#rpmnotes

Key Points (TL;DR)

There are many myths and misconceptions that narrow one's view about psychology and its careers; but there are actually a lot of opportunities.

Keep yourself open to opportunities, be it for training or career, that will help propel you to snatching an RPsy license.

Clinical experience is key. But, do not discount non-clinical experiences as well.

Practice 'SMART' (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound) goal setting for your career.

Choosing a school is dependent on your preferred training, scholastic interests, career goals, personal motivations, and (financial) resources.

Before I begin...

I'd like to first disclose what my biases and limits are, and what potentially could be a matter that you, dear reader, should consider before taking any advice from me. So, here's a little bit about myself...

Firstly, I am a young adult and pretty much novice to the field of psychology. I have gone through two years (and counting) of clinical experience as a licensed psychometrician. I do not declare myself an expert yet, nor do I pride myself as the most reliable person in the field of psychology. This article is written purely in my personal perspective and experiences. That said, I will do my best to offer you up-to-date information and objectivity that may support or criticize my views.

Secondly, I come from a very middle-class family. My parents made just about enough for us to pay the bills, to feed, clothe, and shelter us, and to give us a decent education. I firmly think this disclosure is very important since not everyone has the same privileges in terms of education, opportunity, and resources. There are some career decisions that I have made or experienced because I had the capacity to make them so despite certain critical tradeoffs (like, getting less pay). As of writing, I would say that our status is still the same, even if I make my own profit with my college degree. I will do my best to be considerate about the differing backgrounds among people, especially when it comes to privilege offered by social class.

Lastly, I'd like to emphasize that my word is not gospel and should not be taken easily by those who seek importance or utility to what I will share. The tone I will use will be very personal - as this is my personal blog. Plus, I will be largely biased towards clinical psychology, as it is the field I am in. You may find that some pieces of advice will resonate more with you than others. Conversely, you might find that some pieces of advice may be unhelpful for you. Hence, I welcome any criticism to my personal views and open myself to a healthy discussion. (Feel free to reach me through my Ask page here on my blog.) I highly encourage you, dear reader, to look for more opinions from more seasoned professionals in the field.

Now, on to the article...

The current scene of psychology careers in the Philippines

As I was graduating, it was important for me to look for information about careers in psychology in the country. After all, as you will see later, getting an idea of psychology's zeitgiest (a term used by historians to refer to the salient "mood" or "spirit" of ideas or beliefs of, say, an academic field) this country will inform you in your career goal setting and considering options that will lead you to where you want to be.

Psychology in the Philippines has a lot of stereotypes, myths, and misconceptions brought about by pop psychology spread across the masses. Here are some of the popular ones (and my personal favorites) which you may have already heard from people around you:

"Sa HR mapupunta ang isang Psych grad." ("Psych grads end up in HR [work].")

"Psych ka? Magme-med/Maglo-law ka ba?" ("You study Psych? Are you pursuing med/law?")

"Wala naman masyadong pera/future sa Psych." ("There's no money/future in Psych.")

"Psych? So yung mga baliw yung trabaho mo?" ("Psych? So you work on crazy people?")

And there's plenty more where that came from. Funnily enough, my college friends and I used to do a game where we take a shot of liquor for each myth said to us. (Drink responsibly, kids!) But, as psychology graduates, we know that these aren't completely true.

Now, let's take a look at how we can argue in psychology's defense and dignity and accept what the common person has gotten correctly.

Psychology practice in the Philippines

It's important to note that the term 'psychologist' or 'psychology practitioner' has different meanings in various contexts. Often, we think about psychologists as those who does therapy and plays around with psychological instruments. While this is somewhat true, a more academic language would refer to a 'psychologist' or 'practitioner' as someone who earned their degree in psychology - regardless of specialty - and has built their career in praxis of psychology. As I go along in this section, I'll refer to the 'psychologist' as the latter definition.

Clinical and counselling. In a 2004 article by Cristina Montiel and Lota Teh published in the International Handbook of Psychology, the authors enumerated on and expounded the most popular fields and specializations that psychology practitioners work in. Clinical or counselling practitioners lead in this list, often delving into psychotherapy, interventions, and assessment in various settings -- of which I have had experience on. I think this appears to be only partially true today, which I'll explain in a bit. You would find most practitioners doing their clinical practice in private clinics, hospitals, and schools. It's important to note, however, that most practitioners of this subfield have postgraduate degrees, and - since the year 2014, when Republic Act No. 10029 was enacted - a board license from Philippine Professional Regulation Commission (PRC). These licensed professionals have the names: 'RPsy' for psychologists.

However, bachelor's degree holders were also permitted to practice with their own little license: an 'RPm' or 'registered psychometrician' - which I have. These licensed professionals, get to practice assessment and several other supportive clinical functions - but not psychotherapy. The catch? You legally and ethically need to be supervised by a licensed psychologist. I'd like to get into the nitty-gritty differences and nuances of these two licenses, but I'll save that for another article. In the meantime, you must understand that these two have disparities in terms of their education attainment, clinical skills, and professional autonomy.

During my oath-taking ceremony as a psychometrician in 2018, Dr. Regina Hechanova-Alampay, a known Filipina in the fields of industrial-organizational and community psychology (and the mom of one of my dear friends), stated in her keynote address that the approximate ratio of each RPsy to each Filipino citizen is 1 to 100,000. A 2018 study has pointed this approximation to be accurate. Similarly, my former clinical supervisor approximated that the ratio of RPsy supervisors to RPm supervisees is 1 to 2,000. These numbers are quite a lot! Needless to say, there is a shortage of supply of clinical practitioners for the demand and a large influx of RPm's that have less clinical autonomy. And with an ever-growing relevance and awareness to the field of mental health in the country, these numbers are concerning. But -- hold on. If there are a lot of RPm's being produced yearly, where do they go?

Industrial-organizational and human resources. Montiel and Teh accounted that the second most abundant field in the country is in industrial-organizational (I/O) psychology or human resources (HR). This is where I think most psychology graduates usually end up in after college these days. Daresay, this is the fastest way to earn money as a fresh college graduate. But does that mean that the stereotype is necessarily true? It really depends on the way an employer values the employee and how much one is capable of doing a job. Sometimes, you get paid more, just right, or less.

I/O psychologists or HR practitioners often deal in corporate or organizational settings, often concerned with their person-related matters. They have skills like recruiting talent or labor, assessing worker needs, evaluating individual performances, or developing workers of a company - just to name a few. Do they need a license like an RPsy or RPm? Not necessarily.

You would often find job postings for HR positions that would often "prefer" a psychology graduate with a license, but sometimes "require" it. Therein lies some grey areas about how the professional licenses' stipulations are interpreted. But, let's not get into that just yet. But in my opinion, if people saw the utility of getting a license (which has its own financial costs of acquiring) as a way to improve compensation or marketability in the workforce, then they should get it.

Not all industrial-organizational psychologists, however, delve into the office hours and paper works. Some others go into research - particularly on topics like employee behaviors, group dynamics, and so on. It's important to think that these types of practitioners are just as versatile as other subfields in psychology.

Academia and other niches of psychology. As per Montiel and Teh, another large chunk of practitioners often end up in the academe. They become educators in various levels, researchers, or expert consultants depending on their interest, skill, and reputation. For example, developmental psychologists (or those who specialize in child psychology) get hired in preschools or alternative modes of learning. It was also mentioned briefly that social psychologists often find themselves in the social development sector, like the National Economic Development Agency (NEDA) or the Department for Social Welfare and Development (DSWD). Other common settings for psychology graduates to work in includes government facilities and the military, where their knowledge about human behavior are often found useful.

Research skills are also found useful in areas like market research and analytics. Because psychology graduates have knowledge about fundamentals of statistics and psychological measurement, a lot of these businesses employ their help in order to understand their target market's consumer behaviors and make informed decisions to increase profit. Other information about making a career in business can come be read in a lot of psychoeducational websites, like in Verywell Mind.

Overall, there is a plethora of careers a psychology graduate can delve into, especially for a fresh graduate like yourself. Over time, you would find that certain subfields would resonate more with you than others. You may often wonder which one - or a combination of more - would lead you to your career or personal ambitions. Now that you know how vast a career in psychology can be, it's a matter of choice and planning ahead, which leads me to the next section.

Goal-setting: Which road to take and what to expect

Eyeing the precious RPsy license won't be an easy task. Then again, would the hardships matter if it's worth it anyway? It's important for you, dear reader, to think about how you want to get to that goal.

Should one want to take a straightforward path, she or he would have taken their master's or doctorate studies in clinical or counselling psychology for the following three to five years (with coursework, practicum, and perhaps thesis or dissertation), then take the board exam from the PRC. I have a couple of friends who have done so, and it works for them.

However, for the likes of many of us - myself included - we may not have the same luxury of time or resources to afford us this direct route. Because of many personal needs (ahem-- financial), we may need to find a way to secure these as we go along our road to the RPsy. And how could I forget the costs of postgraduate studies alone? Which is why we'll need to earn or find income.

The best job or experience that can afford you a good head start in clinical psychology is the one closest to it. As my former supervisor, Paula, once said, "Clinical experience is key." For example, you can find psychometricians assisting with psychological assessments in various settings. Others delved into social or community work -- sometimes as a volunteer. The likelihood for one to get accepted in clinical or counselling training programs, like a postgraduate degree or certification training, is increased when one has had a hand on a similar line of work. But this is not to say that any other job is unimportant -- no. There's growing research on the various applications of mental health practice on non-clinical settings, like schools, offices, and even micro-communities. The possibilities are actually numerous. That said, I cannot guarantee how abundant these opportunities are.

There are a few things to consider when looking for a job or a source of income:

In terms of career, what are your yes's, maybe's, and no's? Make individual lists of the occupations you can say these three answers to.

How soon are you planning to achieve an RPsy license? As soon as the next four years? Or, maybe you want to take it slow and say ten?

What job and/or study opportunities are available to you at the moment? How comfortable will the setup be for you?

How much resources and time are available to you for work, study, and personal matters? Which of these do you prioritize more?

How much are you willing or do you need to be compensated to afford such a lifestyle?

As you formulate answers to these questions (especially, the last two), keep in mind that a more effective goal setting follows a 'SMART' process. That is: it is specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound. (More info about this process right here.) Patterning our goals to these dimensions helps us look at ourselves objectively and find an integrated way to live our lives productively.

In my personal experience, after graduating college, I took a two month break to enjoy the fruits of my hard-earned college degree with a "vacation" (which mostly staying home, if I'm being honest). In my mind, I knew that getting a master's degree is a must for me; a ladderized doctorate program was also amenable but I wanted to get that training abroad. But, I wanted to make myself more immersed in the field before I can enter a graduate program. I applied to different jobs - a psychological services consultant (which I primarily wanted), a personal development teacher in senior high, and a research analyst. Luckily, I got the job that I wanted and reaped clinical experience. (I'll write more about my first experiences in the clinic in another post.) A year later, I applied and got into the clinical program of the University of the Philippines. And now, I've been taking coursework on clinical psychology while working as a research associate of a particular office in the same university.

I understand, however, that not everybody could find the "perfect" balance or ideal solution to all of these concerns. In fact, I don't think anyone can -- unless you were blessed with such a life. Why? This is where I reflectively talk about my privilege (as I did at the beginning). Awareness of your own opportunities makes us think fully or subconsciously about our own status in the social system. Whether we like it or not, it affects many of the career - and more broadly, life - decisions depending on where we stand in our lives. Which is why I advocate for practicality. We may not always select the ideal -- but the principle of survival is important, especially in an underdeveloped country like the Philippines. As Montiel and Teh pointed out, poverty and economics have affected psychology practice and it opportunities in the country.

Can goals or plans change? Short answer is 'yes'. There are many reasons why our plans change. It may be because we find ourselves being presented by new or better opportunities. Or perhaps, we discover more personal insights and realizations about the career we want and how to get it. Life can be complex to influence our decisions within or without our control. Whatever the reason is, it is important for one to be able to evaluate one's strengths and weaknesses, limits and boundaries, and our emotions and motivation to keep us going.

Choosing your school: Which one should I go to?

It's very common for a psychology graduate to ask: Where should I get my clinical training? Again, this is dependent on your resources, time, and preferences. Coupled with these is the opportunities (or as Bandura would put it - chance encounters and fortuitous events).

Locally, there are about 60% of schools that offer master's degrees in clinical or counselling psychology as per Commission of Higher Education (CHED). A fewer percentage offers Ph.D. or doctorate equivalent degrees in clinical or counselling psychology, the three most famous being (as per Montiel and Teh): the Ateneo de Manila University, the University of the Philippines, and University of Santo Tomas. However, there is a growing number of urban and rural schools that offer postgraduate studies and attract local aspirants to enroll in their programs. At the top of my mind, St. Louis' University in Baguio City has been regarded as one of the best in developmental psychology (currently considered as a viable alternative to clinical psychology). Likewise, the De La Salle University in Manila, a member of the colloquially regarded "Big Four Universities," is gaining traction for their clinical program very recently.

Focusing on a school's reputation is not enough, however. What, us, clinical psychology hopefuls often look over is the training itself. Circling back to my guide questions on goal setting, preferences often come into play when deciding your training. For most, who prefer a general track in clinical psychology, many schools offer a flexible education to ensure you get the wide knowledge of the field, without undermining the core or essentials. Others may teach clinical psychology in a more specific way, favoring practical experiences like internships over theorizing in the classroom. Factors like faculty composition and expertise, paradigm, and school culture often influence how these training programs are developed. What I find helpful to attain this information is to ask these departments and institutions directly. Another approach is asking a friend taking up a program in that school. No harm in inquiry! Ask away.

Of course, like what I have also emphasized in this article, is the sensitive yet important issue of money. To be specific, your tuition. Clinical training in the Philippines ranges from ₱10,000 to ₱50,000.00 a year. The trend (as I've observed from applying in different schools) is that the more privatized and more "complex" the education, the higher the cost. Public schools often come cheaper than private schools. Consider your capacities for funding your education (including where it comes from) and weigh it with your preferences to make an optimal choice of school or program.

A popular notion among graduate students, or those heading into graduate school, is that public schools, like where I study, often take longer to finish a master's degree than others. Well, there are many factors to this. One is faculty size, for example. How many qualified teachers does the school have that supplies a smooth progression for a graduate student to complete their degrees? Another factor - which many often forget to attribute as well - is the student's motivation. It is not uncommon for a graduate student to fluctuate in wanting to accomplish their degrees. It really depends on how determined one is to see things through (which takes a lot of doing, if I do say so myself).

Overall, choosing a school is much less of an issue when it comes to time, but more so when it comes to practicality. In my opinion, any school that gives you basic competencies, regardless of reputation, is enough. In fact, most of my supervisors did not even settle for their graduate training alone. The field of clinical psychology (much like the other fields) is ever changing and adapting to the times. You often find a lot of trainings, seminars, and specialization programs that practitioners study or enroll in order to keep their practice up to date and ethical. Learning and personal growth, especially as clinicians, should not stop after we receive our degrees and licenses. Again, this calls back to the point of keeping an open eye and open mind on the opportunities that come our way.

--

Now that we discussed the first three tips, I plan to take a break here and let you, dear reader, reflect on things that will help you make your headway to that RPsy license. Do more reading. Ask questions. Seek answers. And explore yourself and the world to get a better sense of the pathway ahead.

First of all, why only six?

Why not ten? Or a hundred, if I say there are a lot?

Well, I could sit here in write about the many anecdotes that evidence my gayness. In fact, I could write a coming-of-age themed book about it now. But, the number six isn't really anything tied with superstition, yet it has its relevance. As hinted earlier, 'six' in Alfred Kinsey's 1948 scale (which measures homosexual feelings and behaviors) is a score that signifies total or utmost homosexuality. And, that's as sentimental and sexy as it gets (at least for me).

Without further ado, here they are...

Lesson 1: Explore, explore, explore!

My first coming out experience was to my then-gay, now-transwoman friend, Pao, in junior year of high school. Pao and I studied in an all-boys Catholic school, so you could just imagine the internal and external conundrum for us queers - closeted or out. We were very close and I considered her (I'm using her current preferred pronouns) to be one of my closest friends because we just get along in many ways and enjoy a lot of pop music and gay anthems together. Although, she had her own clique of queer friends from our batch which she would hang around with way more than myself. Likewise, I had my own barkada - it was all good.

On the week that I finally came out to myself, the first person I wanted to share my latest self-discovery was Pao. I told her about it on a school day after our classes ended. As people were leaving, I approached her and broke the news. Without alerting the straight (we assumed) guys around us, her eyes widened and a smile was shown.

"Ahh, okay!," she said, "So anong nararamdaman mo?" "Masaya. Pero, ano na ang sunod?"

She paused briefly and put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Basta i-explore mo lang yan. Explore ka lang!" A very brief exchange followed shortly of me asking questions and her answering them the way she knows how. Then, she gave me one more smile and a tug on my shoulders, before she picked up her things and left to go home.

I didn't appreciate this piece of advice until I reached college. Granted, high school was a different story with all the institutionalized stigma. I was fortunate to have broken out of that culture and into a university that has a more progressive view on queer identities. I found more acceptance and nonjudgment to be explorative. At 16, it was hard to know where to start.

There are many gateways we can approach a deeper getting-to-know with your queer self. One is being educated. In my freshman year in college, I attended many talks about SOGIE 101. Various experts and advocates have shown me the different dimension our sexualities are integrated. At the time, I knew I was cisgender. I was sure that boys were the sex I had attractions to. And - gosh, there were many ways I maximized my exploration on this, from crushes to casual things. Some regrettable, some enjoyable to remember.

However, my gender expression was what I initially had a struggle with. I wasn't sure if how I wanted to present myself in terms of the gender spectrum. While I knew I was secure about a more "masculine" expression, I often found comfort in being "feminine" as well. It wasn't until I had my therapy and my heart-to-heart with my mentor (a gay therapist, who's in the US now) that I realized that I can be both, and that it depended on who I was with -- such as our social behaviors.

What I am currently exploring further is my sexuality. Dating has been an eye-opener to me because it wasn't something my parents discussed with us as kids or teens. I learned through experience, which I'm sure a lot of queer kids do. But, being adventurous about your sexual and romantic exploration entails accountability and responsibility. I often had to do a lot of trial-and-error to establish my personal limits and boundaries clearly. What I found helpful was to talk to my fellow gay friends back in college. Our heart-to-heart talks seemed to have paid of well.

Exploration is the number one thing us, queers, have to enjoy most of all. After all, when the world is rid of queer-phobias and stigma, you only have yourself to find or make your happiness. As the saying goes, "The world is your oyster." I better hope that you and I find our own pearls. Trust me, as a 23-year old gay man, this is the best thing you will ever do for yourself.

Lesson 2: Coming out to others is not a requirement, but it sometimes helps.

I didn't realize the sensitivity of the coming out experiences of us, queers, until my first encounter back in high school. I'd like to first mention that my coming out to Pao - and subsequently to my closest friends, was brief yet liberating. As a young teen, I immediately thought that coming out was something 100% helpful, hence every queer person should do it. (I also had the mindset that the more people who out themselves strengthens our visibility and, therefore, our pride.)

Needless to say, the mindset that young me had was misguided...

Yes, coming out has its perks; but it also has its risks.

No, coming out isn't something that everyone should do.

Why is that?

When I got my first SOGIE 101 talk (courtesy of my history professor who invited a queer rights advocate), it was the very first time that i heard the words, "Coming out is not a requirement and should be a personal decision - no one else's."

Immediately, I realized past experiences that I witnessed or experienced that deviated from this notion... and ended up regretting some of them. The coming out process is truly personal. It definitely was for me. The process of wanting liberty to be myself - to shed my true rainbow colors in front of my chosen public's eye - was something internally developed. While not purely, it is not regularly motivated by the external rewards of performing the act. Even the definition of "liberation" is subjective. Some people may find that liberty is when they do other ways of integrating their queer identity. Even so, some people may or may not find coming out as important to that integration process.

After all, do straight people come out? Nope.

Will it harm anyone if you prefer not to verbalize your gender identity? I don't think so.

But should one ask one's gender identity anyway? How do we know where our fellow birds of the same feather would be? This was a simple question with a tricky answer. Asking someone's gender identity isn't something to be avoided. In fact, most queer people find the gesture affirming because it entails your own sensitivity to queer communities. But, you often find that queer people who answer this question more comfortably have come into terms with their gender. Conversely, those who have yet to do so, may not refuse to answer you or cloak their answer in heteronormativity. Queer people can and should choose who to come out to. No one else gets to take that opportunity away from them.

What I learned as I met more queer people in my life (or even those who are questioning) is to be more nonjudgmental. To craft a safe space, not only for yourself, but for other queer people around you. And you do that by being knowledgeable (or at least sensitive to) about the process of coming out, and to be respectful of another person's self-identity and decisions. Things like, "I'm here if you want to talk about personal things," is something I've said effectively to open up the conversation. But again, only do so when you know they are ready. In this way, you avoid being the douchebag of outing someone prematurely and uncomfortably. You offer them the respect as they deserve it.

So, my dear queer reader, don't come out unless you are ready to. Until you find a more personal and uplifting reason to do so.

Lesson 3: Your sexuality is only your business - not anyone else's.

In connection to the past lesson, this third one comes with both personal experience with mistakes and delving more into questions I have answered back in college.

The concept of sexuality is actually quite vast. For one, we understand this as an identity. On another, we also construe this as a pattern of acts - not necessarily related to sex or the like. How I understood it was well enough of both - an identity and an act - mainly because I believe that the concepts of actions and identities have an interrelationship. Sometimes, how we know ourselves is how we behave; and other times, we identify ourselves by how we view or label ourselves with. And there are two key things that this idea has brought out to me.

Firstly, when sexuality is yours, it is only yours to begin with. No one else owns it. No one else can shape it, command it, control it. Only you, just you. And the beauty of this is that this makes us feel more in touch with ourselves. Having a stronger sense of self is always helpful when we are searching for authenticity. And this subjectivity is what makes us rainbow unicorns unique. Even if we share commonalities in how we see ourselves as queer people, we often find that the spectrum has a spectrum of individuality within. Too profound? Well, that's how deep it gets, really.

But let's make things a bit more simpler. There are many ways we can own our sexuality. Some of us prefer to express it in certain ways we present or express ourselves, like clothing, language, or mannerisms. No matter how hyperfeminine, androgynous, or hypermasculine we choose to behave, the most important part of them all is the way we feel within. Do you feel good with how you express yourself? Do you find comfort speaking like that? And so on.

On the other hand, some other people explore their sexuality in their attractions, relationships, and sex. This, I think, is a subject for another article, but worthy of explanation here. Another fun thing about queer culture is that we pay neither reward nor ridicule to promiscuity. Most, if not all, believe that it's part of our human nature. And regardless how much of that instinct is expressed by you, you are still considered valid and worthy of celebration. In exploring this side of yourself, you have to ask yourself how much of this side of yourself do you think matters to you. Not everyone finds it to be so, while others find it completely important - and either is perfectly okay! There is no harm in experimenting on what define your sexuality. What matters is how you make your sexuality feel like you - as long as you remain safe and secure.

Secondly, as I have been hinting for the past paragraphs, comes the idea of accountability over what we own. I'll explain more in detail later, but for now, you have to understand that we are not beings simply living just to be. We also have our own responsibilities as human beings, let alone people who belong in our social or cultural spheres.

Moreover, your sexuality is your story to tell. How you want anyone, regardless of intimacy or closeness, would like to perceive you is totally up to you. No one else gains the right to have a say on what you think, do, or say with your body and mind - especially when it has to do with your true self. And regardless if you are queer or not, this should be the standard for everybody.

If and when you come out, understand by heart that you do it for yourself, by yourself, and with yourself. And whether or not you choose to do so, your celebration of yourself must be noted.

Lesson 4: We make or choose our family. And sometimes, they come to us too.

There have been only a few stories I have heard about that had happy coming out stories to their own nuclear families. Often, especially in the traditionally Filipino family, the outcome is being outcast. And there is a vast sea of stories that share common themes of challenges, successes, emotions, and realizations. Like I said, coming out is not a requirement. But if your goal is to liberate yourself for whatever reason or from whoever you think deserves to meet you for you, I cannot guarantee that you will not face challenges, both internally and externally.

In my personal experience, coming out to my family was calculated. I first came out to my brother in my family. I remember doing so over one of my depressive episodes. I wrote down on a piece of paper, "I'm gay," and showed it to him in tears during one of our arguments. While my brother was not necessarily affectionate, I appreciated his acceptance. My female cousin - younger than me - was the second to find out. It was smoother, and didn't take more than five minutes. And to no surprise, she celebrated it. But my mother and father had two different occasions but similar reactions.

"Ang sakit magka-anak na bakla. You need to be successful as Boy Abunda to be a gay person." (in tears)

"Oo, alam ko na! A teacher told me and a classmate [of yours] confirmed it!" (in an angry tone)

There's a whole lot of quotes I could relay, but I choose to focus on these two who came from either of them. You could probably guess which one is which. But two recurring themes here is how much we feel invalidated and that we have conditions set upon us. Hearing these words from them hurt like hell. I'm often a hard rock in emotionally laden situations, but not everyone can be like that. Being made small, unimportant, or even unworthy to be asked about yourself from the people who you once trusted for care creates a dent in our sense of self and individuality. And depending on a lot of things, some of us recover faster than others.

It has been better ever since I came out to my parents. I found that a lot of the times, they're just worried about how life or society would treat us for who we are. In my own way, I try to probe and investigate where they are with tolerance or, even better, acceptance. And I do my best to educate them on things they are still confused or ignorant of in the most polite way. I still love my parents - albeit with complexities. But, I'm fortunate to see (at least one of) them try.

But, if you find yourself not relating to this story, I understand! Not everyone has been fortunate with their own families. Which is why... the power of self-authenticity is we get to gravitate towards the people who we can call our own. A chosen family is better than none at all.

Finding your own chosen family shouldn't be too hard these days, but it will take a little bit of putting yourself out there. I didn't find my own queer niche until I came into college. Granted, the university I attended is a very progressive one, finding your queer friends isn't all too hard if you learn how to express yourself comfortably and - more importantly - ground yourself on self-love and self-appreciation. I met my first group of queer friends when I joined my college org and started doing projects. While we were in it for the work and the advocacy of the org, we all wanted to make friends and have a gay (pun intended) time.

For me, it didn't come out as ideal at the beginning. When I was still discovering my sexuality, I struggled with a lot of insecurities about my image, behavior, and self-worth that I forgot to enjoy things as they are, to enjoy relationships as they bloom. In turn, it made me feel ironically disconnected with the queer people in my community and left me feeling alone to some extent. But later on, I realized that people are there to love me and celebrate me - so why not I do so myself? Later on, I grew closer to my gay friends (and queer-allied friends). I found that they'll always be there for me flaws and all. Even now, while we're on our separate career paths, we still choose to seek each other out through thick or thin - especially in these trying times.

While a lot of us find ourselves to be the lone wolf surviving in the woods - you can't deny that it's a tough life to live. You have to find that emotional support and connection that can cultivate your queerness and help you become a better person in every way possible. And you can do that, with the people around you. Shake away any worries, feel comfortable in your own skin, and go meet the world around you!

Lesson 5: Embrace vulnerability, accountability, and authenticity.

One of my passions as a psychologist-in-training is to help queer people with their queer struggles. Part of the training is for us, trainee therapists, to understand the value of three things: experiencing vulnerability, upholding accountability, and being with authenticity. These three aspects cut across many emotional challenges that people face, regardless of gender identity. And as trainees, we usually have to deal with this ourselves before we even begin teaching this to our clients.

So far, the journey I've had in this was very rocky -- as it should. Many a time, I've been faced with different kinds of challenges as a queer person that affected my personal understanding, my relationships, and even my mental health. The thing that I had the most difficulty grasping is marrying vulnerability and accountability to 'walk' myself towards an authentic life I deem worth living. A lot of the time, I used to redirect blame for my negative emotions in response to challenges to anything - or even anyone - but myself. For example, I used to blame my upbringing in a broken family for the way I learned how to hide my gay-ness from the people closest to me, especially friends. But, I later realized that, just like embracing my choice to come out as gay to my family and friends, I must embrace the emotional experiences that arise from vulnerable moments. In this way, I learn how to understand myself a bit more especially when faced with challenges tied to my identity. Stigma from other people, self-stigma, self-loathing, insecurities, and envy of others who have a "better" queer life than mine. When I acknowledge how I feel as it is, I learn how to respond to the experience with a bit more compassion and effectiveness. Granted, there are matters in which the blame may be redirected elsewhere validly. Yet, we cannot always shake the feeling of taking ownership of our experiences -- regardless of how much agency we have in them. In fact, it might not be the healthiest thing to do.

Insofar as my training goes, I noticed that a lot of the queer clients I've taken under my wing (mostly gay young men) have expressed a similar notion: struggles that root themselves with the fear of embracing their vulnerable selves with accountability. When my queer clients tell me that they refuse to acknowledge the roles of their emotions, their choices, and even their self-concept, I often witness how much suffering they experience. Perhaps this suffering may be stemming from the impasse on a journey towards being "themselves." While I cannot claim any expertise in this matter just yet, I did observe how helping people realize that owning up to vulnerable experiences makes them less afraid to deal with the suffering that comes along with coming out, warranted or not. There is strength in being vulnerable just as there is liberation in accountability. What matters most, I believe, in helping people realize this is that they matter and their experiences -- from the most positive to the most negative -- are key to understanding the essence of living a fulfilling, authentic, queer life.

This process will be one of the most painful parts of the journey. But trust me... it will be the most necessary step into a life that you and I want for our queer selves. Just remember that you are not alone in this.

Lesson 6: Love yourself now more than ever.

I cannot stress this enough. While cliché is an appropriate term to use in this lesson, you can never deny the power of showing yourself the love you deserve from yourself. And I know what you're thinking, "How does one even learn how to do that anyway?" Good question.

There is no single answer to this because all of us are different. We've had our own journeys to get to where we are. What I think underlies a lot, if not all, of these experiences, is the amount of value we put on ourselves. However you wish to do that depends on you. But there are a couple questions you can ask yourself as you decide how you want to practice self-love:

Do I learn something new or enrich something I already knew about myself?

Does this act of self-love add to my value or keep my dignity intact?

Do I do this out of caring for myself as if I were selfless acting this onto others?

Do I feel liberated from my worries and self-doubts, even just by a little?

The more we say yes to each question shows how much our choice of acting in self-love reflects an authentic and liberating one.

Needless to say, a genuine and healthy kind of self-love is a "cure" to many problems we experience inward, We not only prevent ourselves from spiralling down on ourselves, but we also protect and build strength against the adversity of a cold, cruel world. We learn how to navigate through suffering as if it were an experience that's part of the ebb and flow.

Like the fifth lesson, I realized the importance of understanding your own self-worth. Queer people, I believe, are a universal gift. We make magic through our talents and beliefs. And we show compassion through our drive. In one conversation I had with my mentor sometime in 2019, one of the most painfully beautiful things about being queer is that there are things that only we know. Our unique experiences become a beacon for others. Let's keep practicing that through showing ourselves the right kind of love. Who knows, this may also lead you to finding the right love for yourself?

Wrapping it up...

Coming out is a journey. It's not like a light switch that turns off or on and is no in-between (unless you count the dim-lights setting). On this road ahead, we get to have encounters with different people who want to learn about who we are. It's just a matter of making space for them to walk beside us - especially those who choose to do so.