#rozniecki

Introduction - Every Day is Like Christmas After writing three volumes of the LOL at the GOP series, it finally dawned on me why the Republican Party appears to be obsessed with Christmas. For 365 days out of the year, they generously hand out quality material for comedians, writers, talk show hosts, and cartoonists to satirize and laugh about. They’ve been so generous with their commentary, that it’s led many of the before-mentioned professionals to bond more with Doctors Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, in an effort to relax their minds some due to the overwhelmingly large quantity of material they’ve had bestowed upon them. After hearing or reading some of these quotes, even a number of psychics have said, “Not even I saw that crap coming!” The GOP is like Christmas in a way. The party typically invites people onto its lap at a certain time of the year, asks what they want, and responds by saying, “Sure to whatever you said. Okay - next?” The party then places ornaments around a tree which show pictures of what it used to be, while it pretends the likes of Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Dwight Eisenhower are still representative of the party today. Then as the reindeer do the hard work - pulling the GOP around on a sleigh - the party takes full credit for the events and smiles jollily at this. Most of the gifts, like with the GOP’s spending, aren’t needed and won’t last long, but so long as it results in one special day where the party receives people’s votes, that’s all that really matters. That brings me to the fourth installment of this never-ending series. Like with the other three volumes, LOL at the GOP - Volume 4: Guns, Jesus, Corporations, and Fetuses pokes fun at Republican politics and politicians more than telemarketers screw up Polish last names. In this book, you’ll read about: Bill O’Reilly’s belief that marijuana is like Russian roulette, what the GOP’s revised version of the Ten Commandments should be, why some feel that blind people should be allowed to own guns, Pat Robertson’s extensive knowledge on magic gay rings, and so much more! So, get in the Christmas spirit and read all about the party that believes in just one government handout - stupid quotes, all while it stands under the mistletoe with the NRA. Contents Introduction - Every Day is Like Christmas - p. 8 The Obamascare - p. 9 “Obamacare = apartheid” - p. 13 Papa John’s offers greed as a topping - p. 14 To Rush Limbaugh, the Pope + his criticism of capitalism = an Obama orgasm - p. 15 Romney in 47% denial - p. 18 Who’s to blame for the poor Hurricane Katrina response? Just ask Louisiana Republicans… - p. 20 John Boehner changes his name to John Boner - p. 22 When Facebook and stupid political comments collide - p. 24 Pat Robertson educates the world on magic gay rings - p. 31 Pat Robertson was a poet in a former life - p. 33 A Virginia pastor has found the “cure” for homosexuality - stroking horses! - p. 34 Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin simultaneously comes out against gay marriage and our military - p. 34 To one group, gun rights = gay rights - p. 37 In Charleston, West Virginia, pack your floaties and guns before heading to the pool - p. 41 Blind people with guns? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea… - p. 42 “Don’t run with scissors!” Run with guns? That’s another story… - p. 47 Are guns in schools risky? Insurers say, “Well, duh.” - p. 48 “Guns don’t kill people; Skittles do!” - p. 50 Gotcha and Limperdick Square Off (an allegory of the George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin case) - p. 52 More Good Guys With Guns - p. 56 A Lesson on English and Death Threats - p. 61 The Story of Big T: The Man with a Big Truck and a Big Gun - p. 63 Juxtaposing Jesus and pro-gun bumper stickers - p. 66 Believers in the invisible, but not of the observable - p. 67 God spared Boehner as House Speaker…or something… - p. 70 Rick Perry, while singing “Jangle Balls,” signs the “Merry Christmas Bill” into law - p. 71 The GOP’s new Ten Commandments - p. 72 The Top Ten Things More Popular Than the Republican Party - p. 74 Over-analyzing Bush’s paintings - p. 75 To the Republican Party, Ronald Reagan has become like Chuck Norris - p. 78 Clarence Thomas smooth-talking a woman - p. 80 “If I Only Had a Brain” should be the theme song for Maine Republican Ken Fredette - p. 82 When it comes to women, Mitch McConnell can’t make up his mind - p. 83 According to Rick Santorum, the anti-abortion movement is one of “love” - p. 85 Apparently, liberals talk about abortion while in the shower - p. 87 Nothing spells s-e-x-i-s-t like “Fox and Friends” - p. 90 To Bill O’Reilly, marijuana = Russian roulette - p. 93 The Three Degrees of Benghazi - p. 96 Think Benghazi is the biggest political scandal in U.S. history? If so, then there’s a decent chance you don’t know where it’s located… - p. 98 The South Carolina Republican Party calls the IRS “scandal” “Obama’s Gestapo” - p. 99 The GOP hates Obama so much… - p. 101 Racism is over!!! …so says the GOP… - p. 102 Republicans try to woo minorities with history of the semi-ancient variety - p. 104 The Essence of Trickle-Down Economics - p. 110 References - p. 114 Acknowledgements - p. 121 About the Author - p. 123 In paperback, the book was originally $10.50, but with the 5% discount I included, the book is now $9.98. For the time being, the book can be viewed and purchased in paperback at the following link: http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop-volume-4-guns-jesus-corporations-and-fetuses/paperback/product-21580004.html It will become available on other sites in the days and weeks to come. The book is also available in the Kindle format for $2.99 at the following link: http://www.amazon.com/LOL-GOP-Jesus-Corporations-Fetuses-ebook/dp/B00JU3LGBU/ref=la_B00JBQ95LO_1_11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1398280632&sr=1-11 If you have any questions, feel free ask me by either commenting on this post or shooting me an e-mail at [email protected]. I'll do my best to answer any question you have as quickly as I can get around to it. Also, if you've yet to "like" my Facebook business page, and would like to receive regular updates about my writing projects, please go to the following URL and click "like" on the far right-hand side across from my picture: http://www.facebook.com/AuthorCraigRozniecki My new Amazon author page can be viewed at this URL: http://www.amazon.com/author/craig rozniecki Lastly, if you'd like to follow me on my Twitter account, you may do so at this URL - https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki

Contents Introduction - Back With Wisecracks - p. 10 Chapter 1 - Attention Deficit Disorder Wally World is a “shpeshal” kind of place - p. 11 Don’t look too good, ladies. You could get fired for it… - p. 12 A one-track mind - p. 14 Germaphobic Nymphomaniacs - p. 17 Have brown eyes? Then I should trust you, so says a study… - p. 19 High heel enthusiasts rejoice! They don’t cause bunions! - p. 21 Twitter improves writing like alcohol improves decision-making - p. 22 Who’s the most accurate? A psychic, a tarot card reader, or a weatherperson? - p. 25 Christopher Columbus paved the way for a geographically-challenged nation! - p. 26 If you like to swear, come to Ohio! - p. 27 A Rocky Mountain High - Literally! - p. 28 Defending the mustache - p. 30 Chapter 2 - THAT Guy Too “pretty” to be a guy… - p. 32 The Top Ten Groupie Disqualifiers - p. 33 Chapter 3 - The “Bird” is Not the Word. The Word is “Sarcasm.” I’m “just sayin’” that sayin’ “just sayin’” a great deal is fairly annoying… - p. 35 “I’m not an X, but…” - p. 36 “No offense” and “no disrespect” usually mean “offense” and “disrespect” - p. 37 “Get out of your mom’s basement!” - p. 37 “She’s so ‘hot!’” Are you sure about that? - p. 38 Writer says it’s “totally” okay to say “like.” Eh, no, it’s like totally not. - p. 39 Why is gamer now synonymous with nerd? - p. 43 Naming winter storms after random adjectives - p. 44 Chapter 4 - Headbangers Anonymous I’ve got a beef with Meat Loaf - p. 47 “Seven Nation Army” has taken over the sports world - p. 49 A shocking study! Women find men with guitars attractive! Who knew?!? - p. 50 The Top Ten Kayne West-like Baby Names (North) - p. 50 Chapter 5 - Action! Take 33! “My name’s Forrest, Forrest Hump.” - p. 52 If Jason Statham or Liam Neeson starred in a romantic comedy... - p. 52 When a film title makes no sense - The Last Exorcism Part II - p. 53 Hooked on Phonics obviously didn’t work for characters in horror films - p. 54 What if the trailers had been different for these movies? - p. 55 Chapter 6 - The Boob Tube What’s the deal with thin people in fast-food commercials? - p. 58 Word has it that Planet Fitness gym is not a gym… - p. 59 Ryan Lochte has a way with words much like Lance Bass has a way with women – p. 60 Cable News(less) Networks - p. 62 Laffy Taffy has got nothing on Megyn Kelly of Fox News - p. 65 Chapter 7 - Fame, Fortune, and First-Rate Screw-Ups Giving thanks for other people… - p. 67 Celebrities’ New Year’s Resolutions - p. 68 Chapter 8 - Big Sticks and Balls Bo Pelini’s Greatest F-ing Hits - p. 70 Fans go dumb with loyalty - p. 72 Carl Pelini + Marijuana = Bo Pelini’s Saving Grace - p. 73 Joe Theismann man-crushing on LeBron James - p. 73 Awkward Moments with Brent Musburger - p. 75 Bowler strikes himself with a bullet - p. 76 Rick Reilly earns brownie points by misquoting his father-in-law - p. 77 The referee’s quote was, “in essence,” long-winded, yet empty - p. 78 ESPN headline - “RG III does jumping jacks for fans” - p. 79 The Jacksonville Jaguars, like everyone else, should listen to Chuck Norris - p. 79 According to a Yahoo writer, Tim Tebow doesn’t even need to step on the field to help a team - p. 81 God’s conversation with ESPN about Tim Tebow - p. 82 Jason Collins and Tim Tebow are about as similar as Hawaii and Uranus - p. 85 Strange Olympic Sports - p. 88 Chapter 9 - A Special Kind of Stupid A partially black white supremacist gets arrested - p. 90 Homosexuality is all about the magnets, so says a Nigerian student… - p. 92 Detecting gays through tests - brought to you by the gulf nations and ignorance - p. 94 Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson Comes Out Against Coming Out - p. 95 CCTV (China Central Television) goes where no man has gone before and places a positive spin on smog - p. 99 Chapter 10 - I Approve This Message The 24/7 Partisan People - p. 102 The Lazy American - p. 104 Liking the Affordable Care Act more than Obamacare - p. 105 Bob Woodward fears paper airplanes, coloring books, Disney movies, and apologies - p. 106 Australia’s Sarah Palin makes the actual Palin look smart - p. 107 An affair to remember! …if there was one… - p. 111 Petraeus certainly was “all in”… - p. 113 The Top Ten Anthony Weiner Headlines - p. 113 Tweeting His Bulge (a short story about Anthony Weiner’s/Carlos Danger’s sexting ventures) - p. 114 What if other politicians sexted like Weiner? - p. 118 Congress Getting Drunk - I Vote Aye! - p. 119 Powerless Government + A Bong = God - p. 124 Chapter 11 - The Antithesis of Common Sense and Logic “It’s not science; it’s the truth!” - p. 127 Taking scripture and song literally… - p. 131 A little Messiah - p. 133 I smell bacon - no, it’s not the cops. The pig I smell is Pastor Mark Driscoll. - p. 134 Chapter 12 - Santa Claus Wants Some Egg Nog and Herb Brownies Fox News celebrates their annual War on Christmas - p. 137 Christmas with a Ben Stein-ian twist - p. 139 Chapter 13 - Hearts, Emotions and Sh*t/Crap God’s match in ChristianMingle.com is a facepalm - p. 142 In love with yourself? If so, you’re in luck! - p. 144 On Valentine’s Day, “All you need is love,” or something… - p. 146 A Polish Valentine’s Day - p. 147 Men can read women’s minds like newborns can read hieroglyphics - p. 150 So, this is what an angry personal ad sounds like… - p. 151 Looking for the perfect man, ladies? Well, look no more! - p. 155 An author advises people to lie and cheat on their spouses! - p. 157 The Rules of Cheating - p. 160 Chapter 14 - Sexy Time Sex = Confusion - p. 168 Men and women really are from different planets - p. 170 Cosmo knows how to give sex advice like yes-men know how to say no - p. 172 A woman takes the phrase “gets around” to a whole new level - p. 174 References - p. 177 Acknowledgements - p. 189 About the Author - p. 190 In paperback, the book was originally $14.00, but with the 5% discount I included, the book is now $13.30. For the time being, the book can be viewed and purchased in paperback at the following link: http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/the-kind-hearted-smart-aleck-volume-2-the-wisecracks-continue-censored-version/paperback/product-21574207.html It will become available on other sites in the days and weeks to come. The book is also available in the Kindle format for $2.99 at the following link: http://www.amazon.com/Kind-Hearted-Smart-Aleck-Wisecracks-Continue-ebook/dp/B00JU3DFPK/ref=la_B00JBQ95LO_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1398280632&sr=1-9 If you have any questions, feel free ask me by either commenting on this post or shooting me an e-mail at [email protected]. I'll do my best to answer any question you have as quickly as I can get around to it. Also, if you've yet to "like" my Facebook business page, and would like to receive regular updates about my writing projects, please go to the following URL and click "like" on the far right-hand side across from my picture: http://www.facebook.com/AuthorCraigRozniecki My new Amazon author page can be viewed at this URL: http://www.amazon.com/author/craig rozniecki Lastly, if you'd like to follow me on my Twitter account, you may do so at this URL - https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki

Setting: A married couple sitting in their doctor's office Dr. Shihtzu: "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Beelzebub. How are you both doing today?" Joseph and Mary Beelzebub: "Good, and you?" Dr. Shihtzu: "Fine. Thanks for asking. Well, let's get right to it, shall we? I got the test results back and have some wonderful news for the two of you! You're going to have a baby! Congratulations!" Mary: "Really?" Joseph: "Yeah, doc - are you sure?" Dr. Shihtzu: "I'm 100% positive. You two sound less than thrilled. It's pretty common for new parents to be nervous when they first discover they'll be having a baby. However, I have to ask - are you two certain you want to have this baby? We're at an early enough stage where abortion is still a legal option. If you're not wanting to go through that, but don't feel like you're ready to raise a child yet, you could also give the child up for adoption." Joseph: "Abortion is murder, doc! There's no way we'll opt for that!" Mary: "I agree." Dr. Shihtzu: "That's fine. I was just pointing out that it was an option. What do you two want to do then?" Joseph: "Well, I think we want to keep and raise the child ourselves, but just don't think the kid will be ready for the real world quite yet. I think we're both worried about that. Am I right, hun?" Mary: "Oh, absolutely." Dr. Shihtzu: "That's a common worry for new parents as well. Trust me, though - with the guidance of wonderful parents such as yourselves, one day your child will definitely be ready for the real world!" Joseph: "I don't think you're understanding us here. Right after the child is born, we want it to live on its own." Dr. Shihtzu: "I'm confused. So you do want to give the child up for adoption?" Joseph: "No. Right after the baby's born, we want it to go out and get a job, buy a house, make a decent living, and make us proud. Right, honey?" Mary: "That's right, sweetie." Dr. Shihtzu: "Eh, that's not going to be possible, I'm afraid. There would be some serious legal ramifications for that." Joseph: "Look, doc - we just don't want our kid to grow up being a socialist. Any kind of control my wife and I have over his life at any point will be bad. We can't have him growing up being solely dependent on us to survive. He's gotta make it on his own, whether he's 20 years old or 2 minutes old." Dr. Shihtzu: "What about during the child's earliest stages? How will she be able to feed herself? To find shelter? To become educated? To earn money?" Joseph: "I don't know. That's not our problem. She needs to become a responsible, independent adult, and not some moocher that sucks from my wife and I's tits." Dr. Shihtzu: "I beg your pardon?" Joseph: "You heard me..." Mary: "Doc - what are we supposed to do? If we feed our baby, she'll wind up with food stamps! If we buy things for her, she'll always be on welfare! If we provide her shelter, she'll never leave! We're just trying to do the good Christian thing and raise our baby right." Dr. Shihtzu: "By not raising him at all..." Joseph: "Do you gotta problem, doc?" Dr. Shihtzu: "Yes, actually, but that's besides the point. Let me ask you two something - have either of you ever gotten government assistance for anything?" Joseph and Mary: "No!" Dr. Shihtzu: "Never? Have either of you been on Medicaid?" Joseph: "Still am." Dr. Shihtzu: "Have you ever gotten student loans?" Mary: "Yes." Dr. Shihtzu: "Okay then - so you both have received government assistance at certain points in your lives - actually, it sounds like you've received some kind of assistance for pretty much all of your lives..." Joseph: "But that's different..." Mary: "We just don't want our child to grow up like us and have to go through all that we did." Dr. Shihtzu: "That's understandable. How do you feel your lives would be different if your parents did to you what you plan on doing to your child, and letting you go out on your own from day one?" Joseph: "I'd be a better man - stronger, more responsible, and definitely more smarter!" Dr. Shihtzu: "How would you have survived on your own without some form of assistance from your parents?" Joseph: "I would have gotten a job as a doctor, bought a car, bought a house, and..." Dr. Shihtzu: "Where would you have gotten the money necessary for the car and house?" Joseph: "From my high-paying job, of course! You should know that, doc!" Dr. Shihtzu: "Okay - how would you have gotten yourself a job as a doctor without the proper education?" Joseph: "I would have educated myself. Like I said - I'd be way more smarter today if my parents had left me at the hospital!" Dr. Shihtzu: "So, you say you would have bought a car. How would you have driven it? You have to be a few years older than that of a newborn in order legally drive an automobile." Joseph: "I would have found a way." Dr. Shihtzu: "How would you have been able to see over the steering wheel? Been able to place your foot on the gas or the brake?" Joseph: "I'd pray and it would then happen." Dr. Shihtzu: "How big were you as a baby?" Joseph: "A couple pounds. I was born pretty early." Dr. Shihtzu: "So, you're telling me that a two-pound baby such as yourself would have been fine with operating a motor vehicle?" Joseph: "Yeah - definitely!" Dr. Shihtzu: "I'm thinking you'd need more than prayers to accomplish that feat! Alright, well, I honestly can't take much more of this. I think I'm going to need to leave early today, do several shots at a bar, and have a taxi take me home..." Joseph: "A taxi? You socialist!" Dr. Shihtzu: "I wasn't finished. Before I do that, I will be calling an excellent doctor in the area for the two of you. I'm going to request that he gives you both an extremely thorough psychiatric evaluation. After he's completed that, we'll just take things from there - likely at the asylum not far from here…" Joseph: "Wait - psycho what? Evolution?" Dr. Shihtzu: "No, Joseph - in fact, I think you have single-handedly made me rethink things regarding evolution. Anyway, I hope you two have a great rest of your afternoon. That doctor I told you about - Dr. Zap - will be in touch here shortly, and in more ways than one I'm guessing. Take care." This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter: http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop-volume-2-47-awesome-100-of-the-time/paperback/product-20608477.html http://www.amazon.com/LOL-GOP-Volume-Awesome-ebook/dp/B00B1HOZSO/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1368229899&sr=8-10&keywords=craig+rozniecki

Joe Bush: "Do you see that building over there, little Joey?" Joey Bush: "Yeah..." Joe: "I built that!" Joey: "Really? All by yourself?" Joe: "That's right!" Joey: "How long ago was that?" Joe: "Well, your great-grandpa is the one that started it, so it's been around for a while now." Joey: "...and you built that?" Joe: "You betcha! ...and someday, when you're my age, you'll get to tell people the same thing - that you built that!" Joey: "Wow! I'm gonna build a lot of things, aren't I, dad?" Joe: "You bet you are! You already have!" Joey: "I have? Like what, dad?" Joe: "That backpack you wear to school every day - you built that!" Joey: "Really?" Joe: "Yeah - you own it, place it on your back, and put it to work every day, right?" Joey: "That's right!" Joe: "So, you built it! You know that tricycle my mistress and I bought for you? You built that too!" Joey: "I did? I don't remember doing that." Joe: "You rode it, right? It's yours. You built it." Joey: "Did I build the piece of paper I wrote on earlier - in that love note I sent Brian?" Joe: "Say what? Brian?" Joey: "Uh... I mean, Brianne. Yeah - Brianne." Joe: "Ha. I was going to say - you and I would need to talk about that. But yes, you built that piece of paper as well." Joey: "That's so cool! I'm going to tell all my friends!" Joe: "You're a maker, little Joey, just like me. There are makers and takers in this world. There are makers like you and I - ones that take full credit for building things that were passed down to us through the generations, and takers - the ones that don't inherit anything and to whom we pay minimal amounts of money to build things for us. Do you get it?" Joey: "Wait. So, someone else built that building over there, but you built it all by yourself?" Joe: "Exactly!" Joey: "I don't get it…" Joe: "You will someday, my son. You will someday. Just like my dad was proud of me for being his son and giving me his business, I'll one day proudly hand this business over to you and do you know why?" Joey: "Why, dad?" Joe: "Because you built that!" Joey: "Huh? I did?" Joe: "But, of course." Joey: "I still don't get it. Should we get a taxi, so we can meet up with that Stella lady again?" Joe: "No, no. Taxi drivers are takers. They're just mooching off the makers like you and I." Joey: "But did the taxi drivers build the taxis like I built my tricycle?" Joe: "Yes, I suppose so." Joey: "So, you can be a maker and a taker? I'm so confused!" Joe: "Just stop thinking, my son. Just stop thinking like I did many years ago and suddenly, everything will all make sense." Joey: "Okay, dad. I'll stop thinking, just for you." Joe: "That's better. Now let's go grab us some food." Joey: "That we made?" Joe: "No, silly - that someone else made." Joey: "So we're going to be the takers now?" Joe: "Never! I told you to stop thinking, junior." Joey: "Can we at least say we made it?" Joe: "Now you're catching on! Now let's go and get that food!" This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter: http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop-volume-2-47-awesome-100-of-the-time/paperback/product-20608477.html http://www.amazon.com/LOL-GOP-Volume-Awesome-ebook/dp/B00B1HOZSO/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1368229899&sr=8-10&keywords=craig+rozniecki

"This is Will Ferrell, coming to you live from Compton, California, with the premiere of the brand-new game show, Guess Who? In this game, we will try to get to know presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama a little better. For this episode, we asked both of them a series of questions and the three contestants will have to guess which candidate provided us with these very answers. The questions will range from something political to something personal. The two candidates' voices will be masked with a program which makes them both sound like the one, the only Bobcat Goldthwait. Whomever comes up with the most correct answers will win our grand prize - a week's worth of free wings at Hooters! Now, let's meet our contestants. She's single. She's from Compton. Here she is - Melissa! You look familiar, Melissa. Do you happen to work at Hooters?" Melissa: "For going on ten years strong!" Ferrell: "Your folks must be very proud." Melissa: "So are my eleven kids!" Ferrell: "I bet they are. Moving on - we have Jim-Bob from it says 'somewhere down south.' Where is that exactly?" Jim-Bob: "I dunno - you know, south and (bleep)." Ferrell: "Okay then. Lastly, this can't be right. We have Sean Connery and it says 'from your mother's vagina.' So, you're my brother, are you?" Connery: "That's right, Ferrell! ...and that's not all..." Ferrell: "Dare I ask? What else?" Connery: "I met your wife the other night." Ferrell: "Oh really? Where at?" Connery: "At this bar called 'Cheap and Easy.'" Ferrell: "That's only because she works there. Shall we get on with the game?" Connery: "This is going to be easy - just like your wife!" Ferrell: "That was completely uncalled for, Mr. Connery. Okay, Melissa, Jim-Bob, Sean - let's get started, shall we? We're going to hear a series of questions and quotes, and then you'll have to answer who you think said each of these quotes - either Mitt Romney or Barack Obama. After all the questions have been asked, we'll then go through the answers and declare a very lucky winner. Here we go... First question - 'What are your feelings on abortion?'" 1) Goldthwait: "I believe in adding an amendment to the Constitution to outlaw all abortions, even in the cases of rape, incest, the mother's health being in jeopardy, or alien abduction." 2) Goldthwait: "I believe that women should have the right to choose what to do with their bodies when pregnant." Ferrell: "Please answer either Romney or Obama for both quotes. You'll have ten seconds to do so. During these ten seconds, we'll play our theme song - courtesy of George Michael - 'I Want Your Sex.' Good luck." Connery: "Your wife wanted my sex the other night, Ferrell!" Ferrell: "Answer the question. You now have five seconds." Connery: "Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Ferrell: "Okay, now for question #2 - 'What are your thoughts on healthcare reform?'" 1) Goldthwait: "I believe it's the government's duty to make certain that all people have health insurance, so yes - I believe in healthcare reform." 2) Goldthwait: "I believe that government mandating healthcare is not what our Founding Fathers would have ever wanted. It's the first step toward socialism, as it's trampling upon our liberties! That's what it says in the Bible too. Jesus was against people being healthy. That's a fact. Look it up on Wikipedia." Ferrell: "Once again, you'll have ten seconds to mark both quotes with either Romney or Obama." George Michael: "I want your sex. I want you. I want your...sex." Ferrell: "That brings us to question #3 - 'Do you believe in gun control?'" 1) Goldthwait: "I believe the 2nd Amendment is one of our founding principles and think that all people should be allowed to have guns - including felons, blind men, and infants." 2) Goldthwait: "Studies have shown that gun control laws work, so I think it's important that we enforce certain laws to make sure guns don't fall into the wrong hands." Connery: "My gun can't control itself when I'm around your wife, Ferrell, if you know what I mean..." Ferrell: "I've had about enough of you!" Connery: "Your wife told me the other night she could never get enough of me!" Ferrell: "Okay, time's up for answering that question. Here is question #4 - 'True or False - Have you ever lied to the American people?'" 1) Goldthwait: "If I'm being honest, I'd have to say true." 2) Goldthwait: "False. It can't be proven anyway; at least that's what my imaginary friend tells me." George Michael: "It's playing on my mind. It's dancing on my soul. It's taken so much time. So why don't you just let me go. I'd really like to try..." Ferrell: "Now for our fifth and final question - 'Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?'" 1) Goldthwait: "Yes, but only with Will Ferrell's wife." Ferrell: "Dammit, Connery! I told you to cut it out!" Connery: "I told you she was easy, Ferrell, but that wasn't me..." Ferrell: "::sighs:: Okay, we'll go through the quotes one more time. The question was 'Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?'" 1) Goldthwait: "Yes, but only with Will Ferrell's wife." 2) Goldthwait: "No - never. What kind of question is that?" George Michael: "Sex is natural - sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should. Sex is natural - sex is fun. Sex is best when it's one on one..." Ferrell: "Okay, pens down. Now, let me see a show of hands - how many of you answered all five questions?" ::Melissa, Jim-Bob, and Sean raise their hands:: Ferrell: "Okay - that's good. How many of you answered each and every question using Obama's name once as well as Romney's?" ::the three contestants raise their hands again:: Ferrell: "I've just been handed all your answers to either confirm or deny what you all just told me by raising your hands. That's what I figured. I'm sorry, but none of you answered a single question correctly, so I'm afraid I'll be the one getting free wings at Hooters for a week." Melissa: "Eh, what? How's that like possible and stuff?" Jim-Bob: "Y'all don't know whatcha talkin' 'bout! Dat's messed up!" Connery: "What's the story, Ferrell? Did you screw us harder than I screwed your..." Ferrell: "Watch it, Sean! No, the fact of the matter is that each and every quote was said by Mitt Romney. Barack Obama wasn't the source of any of those quotes. So, since all of you answered Romney and Obama for each and every question, I'm afraid none of you will be getting a free week's worth of wings at Hooters." Jim-Bob: "I don't get it. What'd he just say?" Connery: "That's dirty, Ferrell! Dirtier than your..." Ferrell: "Sorry to cut you off, but I'm afraid it's time to wrap this up. Thanks to our three contestants, our audience, our viewers at home, and of course, Mitt Romney. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves and will be back next week to watch a brand-new episode of Guess Who?" This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter: http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop-volume-2-47-awesome-100-of-the-time/paperback/product-20608477.html http://www.amazon.com/LOL-GOP-Volume-Awesome-ebook/dp/B00B1HOZSO/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1368229899&sr=8-10&keywords=craig+rozniecki

Michael Buffer: "Before we get started today, I must go over a few things. As you all know by now when we gave you body cavity searches, cameras are not allowed at this event. Our speaker could be blinded by the flash and as a result, the world could end. Guns are allowed, however. I see a couple of rocket launchers over there. Very nice. How are you doing, junior? Is that too heavy for you? No? That's my boy! Well, since our guest knows everything, there really isn't any need for you to ask the questions. However, as no one else here knows everything, I'm sure our guest will understand us doing so. When any of you ask a question, please be kind, courteous and halfway intelligent. With all of that in mind, I ask that you put your hands together to welcome the man who guides the Republican Party, who makes robes and sandals look cool, who saved every one of us...here is the one, the only, Jesus H. Christ!" JC: "Alright. Far out. I'm ready for my first question. Yes, you over here in the camouflage...Brian, right?" Brian Kumquat: "Wow, you really do know everything! When will I next get laid?" JC: "By a real human?" Kumquat: "Yeah!" JC: "When the Cubs win the World Series, you'll still have several years to wait. Was that your question?" Kumquat: "No. Here's my question... Okay, how do you think we take care of the Muslims over there in the Middle East? Afghanistan? Iraq? Iran? I think we should just bomb them all. What about you?" JC: "Put away your sword. Those who use the sword will die by the sword." (Matthew 26:52) (footnote 25 - I wonder if “sword” is meant to be taken as ambiguous in this scenario and is a way to preach against promiscuity. If men use their “swords” too much, they may die by that very “sword” due to an awful virus of some kind.) Kumquat: "Do you hear that everybody? Jesus wants us to use swords! I only have seven guns. Looks like it's time to stock up on swords too! Thanks, Jesus!" JC: "That's not what I said. I said put your sword back in its place." Kumquat: "But I don't have a sword." JC: "Then put your gun back in its place." Kumquat: "All seven of them?" JC: "As I said, '...for those who live by the sword, die by the sword'." Kumquat: "I don't have a sword!" JC: "Nevermind. Next..." Billy Ray Demolition: "But your Jesus...ness... Muslims are our enemies, both to you and the greatest country in the world - the United States of America! Yee-haw! So, if you don't think we should kill them with swords, what should we do?" JC: "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay.' On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome with good." (Romans 12:17-21) (footnote 26 - Based on these words, I’m going to try a bit harder to become people’s enemy. I may even start holding up signs in the middle of the downtown area, which read, “Will be your enemy for food”. Let’s see if that works…) Demolition: "So, what? You want us to buy them all beers? I brought seven 24-packs of Bud Light for myself today. I suppose I could share maybe four or five of them." JC: "Four or five of the 24-packs? You are a very generous man." Demolition: "No. No. Four or five cans of beer." JC: "I have a feeling I may need four or five 24-packs by the time this is finished." Demolition: "What?" JC: "Nothing. Yes, feel free to offer beer to the enemies." Demolition: "What if they say no? Should we shoot them?" JC: "::sighs:: No. Okay, next question... please..." Jimmy Cracka: "Okay, how about them Democrats? Liberals? They're going to hell, right? They've sinned! Their whole lives are sins! Especially that Hillary Clinton! Am I right or am I right?" JC: "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7) (footnote 27 - Well, shit… Oh, there I go again…) Cracka: "I'm without sin! I believe in you!" JC: "That may be true, but you've still sinned." Cracka: "But them liberals - they're the real sinners, right?" JC: "Why?" Cracka: "Because, they believe in abortion and gay stuff!" JC: "You're going to deny to me that you're a sinner?" Cracka: "Well..." JC: "Remember that time when you stole money from a homeless blind kid to buy some Playgirl magazines?" Cracka: "But..." JC: "Or that time you stole some Bibles and handed them out to homeless blind kids?" Cracka: "Well, I thought..." JC: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Cracka, you're just as much of a sinner as liberals or Democrats. Next question..." Charles Jackpot: "But, you have to admit that Democrats are socialists, right? This is a capitalist country which founded itself upon the fact that if you work hard, you will be successful. Democrats want to re-distribute the wealth. They want to give handouts to people who don't work as hard. That's not right, is it?" JC: "People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." (1 Timothy 6:9-10) (footnote 28 - If “God” were voting in the 2012 presidential election, I think I know which way he/she/it’d lean. He/She/It dislikes liars and people who love money. Worth around $200 million and known to flip-flop more than sheep go baa, Romney’s surely got “God’s” vote!) Jackpot: "Wait. Money is evil? The root of all evil? It's the people with the money who create the jobs in this country, right? They're the ones that work hard to keep this country going, the ones that deserve the tax breaks, the multiple mansions, dozens of cars and several mistresses named Stella, right?" JC: "I assure you: It will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:23-24)(footnote 29 - So, I’ve got a chance then? Nice!) Jackpot: "What if a guy has enough money to fit a camel through the eye of a needle?" JC: "If you or anyone else can fit a camel through the eye of a needle, I will guarantee you a spot in heaven. Knowing first-hand that that's not possible, I suggest you find another way of doing so." Jackpot: "What about a baby camel?" JC: "That would be fine." Jackpot: "Camel cigarettes?" JC: "No." Jackpot: "What if I named a tiny bug camel?" JC: "Please, sir, don't make me sin... Next question..." George Blab: "Alright, so we've already established that the Democrats are socialists and going to hell..." JC: "::sighs:: No, but go on." Blab: "Do you ever notice that they are all quiet about you and their religious beliefs? It's like they're ashamed or something. We Republicans, we want the world to hear how much we love you! When we pray, we want the world to be watching! What was it, on National Prayer Day that the socialist Muslim communist Marxist Kenyan in office prayed in private? What the hell, right?" JC: "And when you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But you, when you pray, enter into your closet, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father which is in secret; and your Father in secret shall reward you openly." (Matthew 6:5-6) (footnote 30 - What if there are other people in the closet as well?) Blab: "Wait...are you saying we have to be homosexuals to pray and preach our love for you?" JC: "When on earth did I say that?" Blab: "You talked about praying in closets and sh*t. I ain't going into no closet! What happens when I come out? I'll go to hell if I'm one of those homosexuals! That's an abomination!" JC: "Who said that?" Blab: "You did!" JC: "I never said that." Blab: "So you really do want us all to be gay?" JC: "I never said that either." Blab: "I don't get it." JC: "...and I doubt you ever will..." Blab: "Huh?" JC: "Precisely... Ladies and gentleman, it has been my pleasure spending time with you today and answering your questions, but I must now go. Before I do, though, I leave you with these words - 'A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another'." (John 13:34) (foonote 31 - Hopefully people don’t take that to mean, “I’m gonna crucify myself and die for your sins!” Yeah, that could pose a few problems…) Kumquat: "Except for the Arabs!" Demolition: "...and Muslims!" Cracka: "...and liberals!" Jackpot: "...and socialists!" Blab: "...and homo people!" Everyone in attendance: "...and women!" JC: "Oh, Jesus H. Christ..." This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter: http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop/paperback/product-20323647.html http://www.amazon.com/LOL-at-the-GOP-ebook/dp/B00B1HOXFO/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1368147044&sr=8-7&keywords=craig+rozniecki

How I love political chain e-mails. You know, the e-mails that are sent to you and 25-50 others from an uncle of yours named Bucky, which portrays a wild conspiracy of a politician being a Martian from Neptune as being factual. I especially love such e-mails when they center around Barack Obama. All I can say is thank the Internet gods for Snopes.com. Snopes fact-checks these very e-mails and allows people such as myself to check on the e-mail's validity and report back to the sender of the e-mail and all its recipients. No, I haven't made too many friends doing this, but I just hope I've been able to positively influence at least one person to fact-check these darn things before sending it to half of the country and Neptune. Of course, I have run into a couple occasions where the sender of the chain email has, upon receiving my fact-checking response, told me that Snopes is liberally-biased. Yeah, that again. I swear, if the source doesn't include Fox News, Rush Limbaugh or The Bible, some conservatives will claim that it's liberally-biased and therefore unreliable. Well, other fact-checkers have fact-checked this claim and guess what? It's false. Snopes is owned by two people - David and Barbara Mikkelson. Barbara is a Canadian citizen and can't take part in the voting process in the United States and David registered as a Republican in 2000, but didn't declare a party affiliation in 2008. (footnote 4 - Rumor has it the dictionary is biased as well. Under the word “bias” in said book, it states, “Us…but please continue to read on and believe what it is we lay before you. Have a nice day.”) What's that the recipe for? Yup - liberal bias! So, just how accurate are these political chain e-mails? It depends on who they're about, but more times than not, they're to some extent false. After perusing the before-mentioned site – Snopes - I have to say some of the numbers are nucking futs. George W. Bush, who was president for 8 years, has 46 such emails being spread about him. Of those, 20 are true and 4 have yet to be determined on the level of truth they contain. So, anywhere from 43.5% to 52.2% of the e-mails concerning Bush are true. (footnote 5 - How I miss him… I wonder if he’s learned how to properly pronounce the word nuclear yet (“nuculer” according to him) or if he’s “misunderestimated” anything recently.) If we do the math, on average, 5.75 such e-mails were spread about Bush per year that he was president. This number is likely even a bit high due to the fact Bush has been out of office the past 3.5 years and some of these e-mails probably began circulating the web in that time-frame. Compare those numbers to Barack Obama. The guy has been in office for 3.5 years and how many political chain e-mails are circulating about him? 116. Of these, only 15 are true, with 97 being false on some level (77 completely false) and 4 have yet to be determined. So anywhere from 83.6% to 87.1% of these e-mails about Obama are at least partially false, with anywhere from 66.4% and 69.8% of them being completely false and only between 12.9% and 16.4% being true. (footnote 6 - I can only imagine what these numbers will look like by the time the election finally rolls around. It will likely reach a point where former President George W. Bush will be unable to count that high. Actually, we’ve probably already reached that number.) If we do the math here like we did with Bush, we come to an average of 33.1 such e-mails being spread about Obama per year that he's been president. Let's put it another way - Bush is -70 compared to Obama on total political chain emails, yet is +4 on truthful e-mails about him. Like I said - nucking futs. So, what are some of these e-mails that are being spread about Obama? Let's find out, shall we? I'll now list some of my favorites of the 77 completely false ones concerning him and give my immediate reactions to them to illustrate just how ridiculous they really are. "Barack Obama has been endorsed for President of the U.S. by the Ku Klux Klan." (footnote 7 - I seriously wonder how it is some people actually believe this nonsense. I may try an experiment, where I spread the word of the Tooth fairy to fellow adults via chain letter e-mails and see if there’s a sudden shift in the public’s overall belief in this fictional…I mean, real living person.) That's right, ladies and gentleman! The Christian White Supremacist group, the Ku Klux Klan, endorsed who would become the first African-American president in U.S. history! It's also been said that women endorse Ike Turner, gays endorse Pat Robertson and meteorologists endorse accuracy! "The Book of Revelation describes the anti-Christ as someone with characteristics matching those of Barack Obama." (footnote 8 - I think someone should just get this over with and name their child antichrist. That way, if they’re in an argument regarding politics, with the other person clamoring on about how one politician in particular is the antichrist, they can come back with, “Eh, no, sorry. The antichrist is right here. That’s my son’s name - antichrist. So, there goes your argument.” It’d also amuse me to hear a teacher call on a student raising his hand to answer a question, - “Yes, antichrist…”) Right... ...because I remember the book of Revelation specifically mentioning the following: "Be forewarned, for this man - the anti-Christ - will deceive and destroy! Be on the lookout for a man who resembles the following - Tall and lanky, with big ears, a nice tan, a funny sounding name, who can't bowl worth sh*t. Amen." "Barack Obama announces every time he claps a child in America dies from gun violence; kid in classroom tells him to stop doing that." (footnote 9 - Kids these days, right? Having just written that, I’m beginning to feel old…) Actually, the child supposedly says, "Well, dumba*s, stop clapping." Yes, a child between the ages of 6 and 11 called the President of the United States a dumba*s and for some strange reason, it received no airplay on cable news or talk radio. That's about as ridiculous as former Vice President, Dick Cheney, going pheasant-hunting and shooting a friend in the face who obviously looked like a pheasant, before telling his friend, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you look so much like a damn pheasant? Where's my Whiskey? Oh yeah, I've had it injected in my arm this whole time. Where's my beer? Oh, in my hand. This is what I call pheasant-hunting! Get up, you pussy!" Wait, I suppose that scenario may be a tad more feasible than the other... "Photograph shows Barack Obama holding a telephone upside down." (footnote 10 - Yeah, many on the far-right like to call President Obama nasty names, such as “elite” and “intellectual” (I wish I received such “insults”), yet alter a picture of him so that it appears as if he doesn’t know how to properly use a telephone. In other words, he’s very intelligent and not afraid to show the public this, yet is also kind of stupid. I get it now…) This is how hip, intelligent people talk on the phone nowadays. It's the in-thing to do. When he attended the Ivy League schools of Harvard and Columbia, this was the one thing his professors were wary about. When they were asked about Obama, they responded with, "Well, he has a brilliant mind, one of the most brilliant minds I've ever taught. He also has a way with people and regardless of their differing viewpoints, of bringing them together. The one thing that has me a little worried, though, is he's yet to learn how to use the telephone. If he doesn't learn soon, it could cause him many problems down the line." "Prophecy that a black man will inhabit the White House 'when pigs fly' ties Obama presidency to swine flu." (footnote 11 - Now, is this with regard to the actual animal responsible for bacon or cops? I hope it’s not the latter. Cops have enough power as it is. The last thing they need is the ability to fly.) The day when I see pigs actually fly is the day I may start buying into some of these things. However, Vegas has just reported that the odds of this occurring are worse than of Cookie Monster blowing Elmo in an adult film, entitled, "Mmm... Let Me Bite Your Cookie!" "Photographs show President Obama using teleprompters to talk to a group of elementary school students." (footnote 12 - It was an incredibly serious speech. Elementary-school students are some of his strongest supporters, so this will pay off come election time.) Obama is also known to use teleprompters when talking to his wife, kids or even when he's talking in his sleep. Teleprompters are a shadow to Obama much like helmets are to blind motorcyclists. "Photograph shows a 'Welcome' sign in Kenya identifying that country as the birthplace of Barack Obama." (footnote 13 - I wonder how many Welcome-to-Mitt-Romney’s-home signs there are. My guess is somewhere between 2 and 146.) What the sign should really say is, "Welcome to Kenya - the birthplace of Barack Obama, who is currently the President of the United States of America. It's amazing he fooled the people of that country saying he's from there when this sign has been up and about ever since he became a Senator of Illinois. Silly Americans." Yeah, Fox News will be all over that! "The Obamas had their dog, Bo, flown in his own airplane to join them on vacation in Maine." (footnote 14 - I knew there had to be one time in recorded history when a flight attendant, upon taking orders for the in-flight meal, asked, “Will that be wet or dry?” Not only did Bo have his own plane - he was the pilot! Spread the word - Bo flew a Boeing - and then say that four-word phrase ten times fast and see where that gets you! "President Obama's November 2010 trip to India will cost U.S. taxpayers $200 million per day." (footnote 15 - $200 million a day? Even if Romney sold himself, that’d be good for just a single day. If I sold myself, that’d be good for just…eh, let’s not even go there…) Considering it was a ten-day trip, if that number were at all accurate, it would total $2 billion - an average of $66,000 per person per day in this country. That's about as much as Mittens Romney makes per day. Oh, I'm being told that number is $57,000. (footnote 16 - Ah, making more in a day than most people make in a year - yeah, he definitely knows how to relate to the average middle-class person in this country. That’d be like hearing Shaquille O’Neal trying to tell little people that he knows exactly what they’re going through.) Sorry, Mitt. My bad. You poor son of a gun, you. From this point forward, when asked what caused our country's debt, you can answer by counting down the top three reasons: 3. Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy, 2. Wars in the Middle East and 1. Obama's trip to India. "Barack Obama uses a Social Security number belonging to a man born in 1890." (footnote 17 - That very number - 1890 - is a special one to far-right Republicans in this country - it’s the year they want to send us back to.) Well, I think I can say for most everybody, even the most die-hard of Republicans, that Barack Obama looks pretty good for being 122 years old, doesn't he? This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter: http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop/paperback/product-20323647.html http://www.amazon.com/LOL-at-the-GOP-ebook/dp/B00B1HOXFO/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1368147044&sr=8-7&keywords=craig+rozniecki

Held by the strings, Never in place, Our head and arms dangling, At their mercy, Guided on the stage, Directed where to go, How to act, What to wear, With each repetition, Performance becomes easier, Practice pays dividends, To a sense of mastery, Held by the strings, Just a puppet in life, How it's time to break free, To find my own path, The strings have broken, My head looking forward, The door is wide open, The master in control. This book can be found at the following two sites (among others) - the paperback version at the former of the two sites and the Kindle version at the latter: http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/penetrating-the-heart-of-life-ambiguous-in-thought-ambivalent-in-feeling/paperback/product-18677501.html http://www.amazon.com/Penetrating-The-Heart-Life-ebook/dp/B00B1F0LIY/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368058544&sr=8-1-fkmr1&keywords=craig+rozniecki