#roustuff

i am 35yo today! maybe i will draw something later for myself :3

I REALLY like Deacon's UP Deathclaw past bc it so reminds me of the days in my youth as a street kid where we romped and stomped and caused chaos all over the city doing all sorts of delinquent things like the hooligans we were--or rather that I was pretending to be so that I could fit in with a crowd. It was a group of homeless kids (kids from 13-75 or something like that). It really wasn't me to be doing those things, and it was such a wild and crazy time of life--looking back on it, it seems like the old me was a completely separate person from who i am now. sure, there were fun parts but overall it was a very negative time that had some serious consequences for me. anyway to tie this all back to my posts prior i really like how the playlist captures that similar state of being in the UP Deathclaw portion (or maybe I'm projecting idk!). i wish i was a writer or musician but i am a drawer so i am just BUZZING with the desire to draw something but the ideas are many and my hands too few!!!!

15 years ago, when I was 20, it felt like I was walking in a dream. My outlook on life was so much more romantic. I felt like a character in a book, and there was always a feeling of surrealism or being in liminal space. I just perceived the world so differently. Even in my mid-20s, life felt like an adventure. Now it just feels like trudging through mundanity and mud. I don't see the world or people through such romantic lenses anymore. I want that old mindset back, but after everything I've been through, from then till now, and how my life is today, I feel like I lost something. Maybe because I'm older I see my flaws more clearly. I express how I feel more openly, but that often leads to me just coming face to face with my shortcomings. How I feel feels wrong--at least before I could blame it on naiveté. Now it just means I'm capricious, hypocritical, and selfish. I always have to apologize. Before life was new, exciting, dangerous. Life is safe now, which is good, but I'll do ten good deeds and ruin them with one mistake. I want to be rewarded for my efforts. I want to go back to when life felt like a dream.

These days I like imagining my sole survivor as Deacon's Barbara from the past 🫠💕

I have question about whats allowed on Tumblr now because I've been gone for years. To my understanding, direct NSFW is not allowed--so no posting of nudity, even in art. But is sexually suggestive content allowed? What about if its censored? If it shows people very suggestively doing things but clothed, is that OK?

I dedicate my second journal publication to deacon fallout