#rosayaps

i hate a lot of things about my body.

for starters, my face is too round and all my facial features are extremely feminine. my hips are wide. i don't have the money to constantly cut my hair in the way i like at the salon, so it is always too big for my own liking.

and then we have my size. i have always been big since i was a kid, but in the past year i gained so much weight and that has made me even more self conscious about how i look. because when you are bigger, everything is different. and again, i can't afford a gym so i don't even have muscle like other butches, for example. this makes me so incredibly self-conscious...

it is so hard to find clothing. to even find myself inside my own style. i am at my best when i look as alternative as i can, but i can't find any inspo on my style on people who look like me because being a fat alternative butch is not deemed "aesthetic" enough, so obviously there are not a lot of visual references for me to think of, at least not at the top of my head.

buying clothes is hard. even second hand. there is rarely anything that fits me, much less anything that fits me AND makes me look... like me. i have been using the same jorts everyday since may whenever i go out because that is truly all i have.

and i know my butchness always needs to make sense for myself, but i am so tired of butches always being depicted as skinny and "twinky" or as extremely muscular. there is obviously nothing wrong with that, but where are the other butches with other types of bodies?

it's like i can't find myself. i can't find myself in the mirror nor in what it's supposed to be my community.

i wish my body was different. thinner.

i my features were different. more sharp.

I want to love my body, i truly want. i want to feel beautiful and handsome and atractive. i want to look in the mirror and recognize my own reflection as a part of myself, not at something that just... is there. i want to smile and be confident. i want to like the pictures my friends take off le. i want to like the pictures i take WITH them. i want to go out and dress in a way that i like.