#romulus augustulus

The peeps he’s beating up are actually stunt men.

No, he hasn’t gone all Hollywood and is beating up movie crew because he doesn’t control his outbursts.

This is promotion to promote the new Arkon IV: The Goblin Pit movie Simon is acting in with Arnold Schwarzburger. You read that right.

And because he showed off his new costume, nobody is even talking about the Christmas tree costume, as Dino the producer dubs it.

The new costume is more multi-functional than the Christmas tree, too. Although that mostly means that he can put a jacket with “dynasty shoulders” on over it for formal occasions and interviews.

As Simon, his girlfriend?, and producer take their seats for the premiere, there’s some exposition about how worried everyone was when Simon disappeared (into the past) and then when he went to Houston for a baseball game.

This is important exposition because it helped me place the annuals in the posting order.

The movie premiere starts.

Its not important to the plot to see the opening scene but c’mon. They dressed Simon in a little devil costume and glued a face mustache and beard to his face. The eyes look good though because they’re his real eyes.

The important part of the premiere scene for the plot is Simon thinking that he’s getting mass approval as a movie star in a way that the West Coast Avengers just can’t understand, doing stuff for altruism reasons they do!

Meanwhile, back at the West Coast Avengers Compound, Mockingbird and Hawkeye are enjoying a bubble bath together.

I think that’s their couple activity. They did a bath together at the end of the Hawkeye miniseries too. That tub was heart-shaped though.

And they deserve a nice bath, all that they’ve been through lately!

Mockingbird: “Man, am I exhausted! I could hole up here for a week!”

Hawkeye: “You said it ‘Bird! Gettin’ lost in time was bad enough, but dyin’ was even worse!”

Such a superhero thing to be able to say that sentence.

Hawkeye finds a chance to brag about how his team beat the East Coast Avengers in the death tournament. Never mind that it was part of an evil scheme to let the Grandmaster steal Death’s power. The important thing is that he sure proved that the West Coast Avengers could hold their own against a team with Captain America and Thor. Although those specific guys beat their opponents with embarrassing ease.

Bubblebath Hawkeye also swings the topic over to what Mockingbird went through when she was trapped in cowboy times and he wants to know whether Phantom Rider did anything to her beyond all the drugging.

Mockingbird lies that Phantom Rider never touched her. Because she doesn’t want Hawkeye to have to live with the knowledge. And also because she doesn’t want anyone to find out she manslaughtered Phantom Rider. And I guess once you start pulling threads, it may come out.

Anyway, the married couple gets frisky in the bath.

But what’s Tony Stark, Iron Man up to at the meanwhile?

Being the bigger man.

Iron Man: “This strongman competition between Iron Man and Wonder Man has got to stop! It’s no good for the team! I’m the senior member, so I’ll take the first steps toward --”

But he finds Simon isn’t in his bungalow and weakening his bigger man plan, he uncharitably decides Simon is doing something with his “blasted movie career”!

So you don’t even know his movie is premiering? So Simon didn’t even invite any of his teammates to the premiere?

Wow.

Wow wow wow.

I was gonna say, you gotta respect his movie career, even if you don’t think a superhero should be doing it. It’s clearly important to him. But Simon is kind of being a dick too.

After the movie premiere, there’s good news as Arkon IV: The Goblin Pit is a big hit with the audience! Everyone wants to shake Simon’s hand and Menachim tells Simon he’d be a shoo-in for Best Supporting Actor if the academy respected fantasy films. Producer Dino tells him hey no problem, they’re all going to make so much money off of Simon’s movie career, Dino will just buy him a little award statuette.

Simon tells him not necessary. The love and adoration of the public is all the aware he needs.

Dino decides strike while the iron is hot and tells Simon about the next movie he’s got lined up.

Dino: “You gonna play-a de opponent from outta space in Rocky V -- you an’a Stallone-a gonna fight it out onna de space shuttle!”

I’m pretty sure I’ve heard a similar joke about how the Rocky franchise would eventually go IN SPACE. Guess its just an easy thing to crack wise about.

Wonder Man: “Gosh, Dino -- I really appreciate it -- but I don’t think that’ll do! You see, I’m a hero in real life, so I won’t be doing any more villains! Could hurt my image!”

Dino is taken aback because when he hired Simon, Simon was willing to do any role just to prove himself. But Simon says times change. He’s proven himself and now he wants a three picture Flash Gordon deal. He says he’ll have his agent contact Dino.

Wow. One movie and he’s already a prima donna.

Dino doesn’t seem that upset though. He just says Simon Williams is gonna go places.

Meanwhile, back at West Coast Avengers Compound, Moon Knight gazing moodily at the Moon through a window.

This is kind of an issue for unwinding after everything that happened.

Pretty sure that joining the West Coast Avengers is inevitable (I mean, he did literally die for them) Moon Knight contemplates that its not too much to imagine that one day he might even fly to the Moon.

Well, the Avengers do go to space sometimes.

But Moon Knight doesn’t want to go to the Moon because it’d be a letdown to know Khonshu as a god and then go to the Moon and see its just dust and craters.

Weird man, Marc Spector. Weird man with odd trains of thought.

Moon Knight’s pilot friend Frenchy shows up for a meeting and Moon Knight lowers the defenses so he can hover the Moon-Chopper over the Compound without the defenses shooting it down.

And basically Moon Knight is breaking up with Frenchy. Basically.

If he’s going to work with the Avengers, the Avengers don’t need another pilot. And its not stated but they probably wouldn’t hire a mercenary like Frenchy just on Moon Knight’s say so. So he wants to basically cut Frenchy loose so he’s not wasting his time hanging around waiting for Marc to call him.

Frenchy is cool with this and saw it coming. As his closest friend, he’s seen that Marc has been at loose ends since love interest Marlene left. And this Avengers thing seems like its the direction he needs right now.

Cool guy, Frenchy.

SCENE TRANSITION BACK TO WONDER MAN

In a limo, his girlfriend? Chris is asking why he bothers staying with the Avengers.

Wonder Man: “You know, Chris, I’ve been wondering that myself! I’m really glad of the break they gave me when I was just starting out, but, it’s kind of like with Dino -- ! I’m world-class now, in both heroism and stardom! I’ve moved to a different league!”

Chris: “Stars do move in a different world from everyone else... but the West Coast Avengers is still a good commercial tie-in for you! I’d ask for a bigger percentage of the merchandising before you decide to cut it off altogether!”

... She... really doesn’t get how superheroes work, does she?

Wonder Man: There’s no merchandising -- not for us, anyway! All the revenues from the Marvel comic and the toys go to charity!”

Chris: “What? Then what’s your net, and how many points is that?”

Wonder Man: “No points -- we all get the same cut! We each get a stipend of $1000 a week!”

Chris: “One G a week? You can get two G’s a day out of Dino after tonight!”

Wonder Man: “Sure, if I could guarantee I’d be on the set whenever he needed me!”

Chris: “Well...?”

Wonder Man: “Well... Let’s see how the Carson Show goes, before I answer that! But the way these crowds are gathering for me tonight, I think I already know the answer...!”

Meanwhile, BACK AT THE COMPOUND again, Hank Pym walks into his lab and whaddayaknow La Espirita is here!

I’d wondered what happened to her after she was left with the Collector!

Apparently, she appeared in Silver Surfer’s solo

Silver Surfer bust into the Collector’s ship to question him about the Elders’ various plots and discovered La Espirita was just hanging around so he agreed to take her back to Earth.

Dropped her off in Albuquerque, in fact.

La Espirita took care of some things and then swung by Los Angeles to check on the West Coast Avengers.

Hank asks her why she didn’t join the team in death when they all drank poison (and I’m still shaking my head at that being a plot point) but she tells him, yeah, she drank poison like all the cool kids but didn’t die of it.

Dr Pym: “What? But even Wonder Man died!”

La Espirita: “I know! There’s something very strange about me, Hank -- I don’t understand it myself -- but since my vision of Carlotta turned out to be crucial to returning the Avengers from the past, I know God has much to teach me still! I plan to enter the wilderness to seek a better understanding!”

Hank decides this is as good a time as any to dump her.

Classy as ever, Hank.

Dr Pym: “Bonita, I can never repay you for what you did for me -- you not only saved my life, but you helped me rebuild it -- I love you for that -- but I’ve come to see -- I don’t love you...!”

La Espirita: “I know that!”

She’s taking this well.

But, she has her own reservations about the relationship. Annnnd, y’know, I’ve never been too sure what exactly she saw in him anyway? And this following conversation implies maybe she was casually trying to convert him?

She asks him, knowing the answer, whether he believes in god.

Hank hems and haws but has to admit that he doesn’t. And La Espirita admits that an atheist isn’t a good match for her so she kind of expected she’d be going on her wilderness quest alone.

Oh my god, its the completely mutual dump! As spoken in legends!

Hank feels bad though and tries to say he’ll still go with her but she tells him his place is with the Avengers “the team you founded and have just found again!”

Good wordplay, La Espirita.

And her place is not with the Avengers. Aww. Dangit.

I mean. Moon Knight is fine. But I was hoping Bonita would stick around.

She gives Hank a kiss and strolls out of the book.

AT LEAST SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE FIRST, GEEZ.

Okay, back at the Wonder Man side of the plot.

Wonder Man appears on the Carson Show, very pleased with the applause he’s receiving.

Chris: “I knew it would be like this, Simon! The moment I thought of casting you in Arkon, I knew you just needed the one break to break through! Stallone was nobody before Rocky, but then it was straight to the top!”

And Simon promises to take her for a night on the town to remember as soon as he finishes the taping.

A journalist asks Wonder Man if he has some big bombshell news, since last time he appeared on the show, he announced his criminal past.

But before Wonder Man can say anything Abomination shoves his way onto the set.

Oh, I’m sorry.

That’s not Abomination.

It’s Tyrannus’ mind trapped in Abomination’s body.

Comics are weird.

For example: minor recurring Hulk villain guy Tyrannus? Who is Yet Another Underground Jerk like Mole Man? Yeah, Tyrannus is actually Romulus Augustulus. If you’re moderately interested in Roman history, you may recognize that as the name of the Last Western Roman Emperor.

YEAH. He’s that guy.

A child emperor that Goth general Odoacer just sort of shooed out of the room when his father Orestes refused payment to the German mercenary armies in Italy.

In history, Romulus Augustulus was given a pension to live on for being such a nice young lad and sent into exile. History is scarce but he probably didn’t cause any further trouble.

IN MARVEL, he was right pissed about the loss of his (pretty illegitimate) throne and became the servant of Pluto (who is a dick in Marvel) who sent him to destroy Merlin. He was stopped by the first Black Knight. And there’s something fitting about Marvel’s Original Character for Arthurian Lore beating up the Last Western Roman Emperor. Anyway, Merlin banished Tyrannus inside the Earth. Where he found the Fountain of Youth.

TRULY BONKERS.

Anyway, this dumb shit for some reason decided to body swap into Abomination and then went ugh this body is way too ugly. But he was stuck with it.

That’s not a tangent. That is literally his motivation for this issue.

Romulus Abomination: “This is your night to shine, manly one! Your night to strut the stage before the world! But I bestrode he world fifteen centuries ago -- and had I not fallen to Merlin, cursed be his name, I would rule it all today! But I did fall to Merlin, and I have recently fallen to the Hulk to be trapped in this grotesque pile of emerald protoplasm -- a body truly called Abomination... and if I cannot rule in glory, then neither will you!”

This is a truly stupid motivation.

Does he attack all movie stars or is Simon just lucky?

Wonder Simon tells everyone to back up to give him room to fight and for Chris to go home so she won’t be in danger.

She’s worried for Simon because Abomination goes toe-to-toe with the Hulk but Wonder Man isn’t impressed.

Gotta say. Makes for hilarious comedic timing.

Romulus Abomination: “You are unimpressed with me, are you? You will be impressed -- and it will be your final impression!”

Simon punches Abomination away and belt jets away for some space and so he can build up ramming speed.

But Abomination tackles him out of the air, shatters his belt jets, and hurtles him into another studio.

David Letterman’s studio, precisely.

So this is another time that Wonder Man appeared on David Letterman’s Late Night show.

That David Letterman wit.

All this getting his ass kicked has blackened one of Wonder Man’s eyes, something Abomination takes note of.

Romulus Abomination: “So -- the man of wonders is not invulnerable!”

Wonder Man: “Wonder Man is still a man, if that’s what you mean -- but the difference between me and invulnerable is too small for you to notice!”

Good line! I mean, you need to stop getting your ass kicked to sell it but good line!

Wonder Man punches Abomination off of him, even manages to stagger him for a moment. But that old self-doubt is boiling up. Abomination gives Hulk a hard time, Hulk gives Wonder Man a hard time. The math don’t look great for him.

And and and, he thought he couldn’t die but the Collector’s poison killed him. He thought he’d gotten strong enough that he could beat Thor but Mjolnir gave Thor an edge. So what if Wonder Man is wrong about being able to beat Abomination?

What if Abomination kills him?

Fear is the mind-killer!

He’s gotten really good at avoiding spiraling into doubt.

Wonder Man announces that a tan will really help Abomination’s self-image problem. And then wraps a stage light around him.

Zing!

Abomination flexes loose from the light but gets electrocuted by the now damaged wire. JUST AS WONDER MAN PLANNED!

With Abomination stunned, Wonder Man is free to go ham on him. VERY HAM!

Except nobody cares.

The camera crew didn’t bother filming any of it, figuring it was just another engineered fight Simon arranged to hype up his movie.

Even when they’re told it was real, a real supervillain really showed up and really beat the shit out of him, nobody cares. They already got footage of him fighting at the engineered fight so... does it matter that nobody got this fight? Really, how many clips do you need, Simon?

And as a dejected Simon watches everyone take off, the gravest insult of all - an old man tells him that he likes the special effects of Jaws on the Universal tour better.

Oof ouch.

Meanwhile, back at the West Coast Avengers Compound, god damn, these two are still chillaxing.

Hawkeye and Mockingbird have moved on from the hot tub to the hot room and are in the sauna room that the compound apparently has.

Geez, I wonder if I can get hired as a West Coast Avenger. The only downside I can think of is that if I don’t quit in time, I’d have to be in Force Works.

ANYWAY, as Hawkeye is telling Mockingbird about all the wild days he had with the East Coast Avengers, but that he prefers leading his own team - problem child #1 walks into the sauna.

He excuses himself when he sees its in use but Hawkeye tells him yes this is definitely not awkward, why don’t you come in so we can discuss your future with the team.

Wonder Man: “And I can guess why -- but I’ll save you the trouble! I came to tell you, Clint, no matter how big I get in this town -- and it’s gonna be very big -- I learned tonight what’s real and what isn’t! An actor plays many parts, but I have one special part to play -- as a part of the West Coast Avengers!”

Aww! I didn’t know how Wonder Man’s ego trip ‘I’m too cool for this team’ thing was gonna end. I figured there’d be drama. Hawkeye or Iron Man would get in a shouting match with him.

Him realizing on his own that he could just be a superpowered celebrity, doing nothing but movies and fake fights, but that it would feel empty -- well, good on Simon for getting his head on straight without it requiring yelling.

And good on him for wanting to stick to the acting thing! It makes him pretty unique and I’d hate to see it get written out.

Next time, West Coast Avengers. Still one more issue before the dates are synced back up. But god damn it the Zodiac. I wouldn’t say I hate those guys but they’re boring.

That “What is Scorpio -- ?” is at least enough of a twist to get me interested though. What is Scorpio indeed.