Lately, on my sleepless nights, I’ve been pondering about love and relationships a lot. I think about all those ”Why are you still single? How is it possible that you’ve never been in a relationship?” questions, and wonder if I’m missing out on being young and in love. And honestly, I don’t know the answer.

For the most part, I’m still not actively searching for a romantic relationship and I try not to long for that one magical day when a prince will come. Not to mention that despite my lack of experience in the field, I’m still grateful to have loved a few good men and got my feelings crushed. I think you learn a lot about yourself when you love someone (or something like that). And no, you don’t need to be in an actual relationship to experience love and heart breaks.

However, whenever I hear stories about lovers, or when I have to support a heartbroken friend, or every time I read poems written about someone, or as simple as seeing old couples being in love (still)… I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever have that. As cheesy as it may sound to you, I wonder if someone will like me enough to write me a love poem. Or a letter will do, too. It probably sounds a wee bit self-centred, yet I wonder if someone has cried/will cry over me. I wonder if someone will actually like my quirks and consciously stay with me because he thinks my flaws complement his.

If love, in essence, is about embracing vulnerability, then I suppose there’s nothing more vulnerable than exposing your feelings, alone. It’s a pity that not all love is reciprocated and perhaps, it’s quite unfortunate that broken hearts don’t really kill you, but in a weird, slightly masochistic way, there’s an odd pleasure in being in an unrequited love. Maybe it’s a way to know that you really, really love the person. Maybe.

Everything That Could’ve Been/Everything You Didn’t Do

"Hey," I said as I took a seat in front of her.

She looked up, her eyes widened in surprise. “I thought you had to do some overtime.”

"Well,… I hate to break traditions," I continued, "and friends come first."

She forced a smile. “You know, most people, they-“

"I’m not most people," I cut in, giving her a warm smile.

She sighed. “Don’t make it any harder than it already is.” Her voice was brittle, it looked as if she was going to cry but I knew she would not do that. She had too much pride in herself to shed a tear in front of a man, not even me.

I recalled the day when I picked her up in the airport, about a year ago. This time for good, she said. I could still relive the joy I felt on that day, one of the best days in my life. I thought about the impromptu trips that we could go to, the after-office drinks we could have now that we’d finally be in the same city, and all the time that we could spend together…

"Lana," I asked, "aren’t you tired of missing out on things?"

She did not respond. Instead she pulled herself closer to me and we hugged. I held her longer than I usually did; there was something sad about this time though I could not really tell what it was.

I watched her walking towards the Departure Gate for probably the hundrendth time. I was about to leave when Lana turned around, looking straight at my direction, at me.

If this were a different world - a world where I would be spontaneous and optimistic - I would take this as my cue to chase her and tell her not to go.

But I chose to stand there, waving my hands, letting her go. Again.

———-

Aren’t you tired of missing out on things? his voice echoed in my head over and over again. Am I not already missing out the most important thing? Then what’s the point of staying? He shouldn’t have come at all, really, if he was only going to ask me rhetorical question like that. He might as well not show up only for the sake of keeping ‘traditions’. Perhaps that way it would be better for the both of us, I could move on with my life and he, he could just get on with his life with Sheila.

I tried to dismiss this pang of jealousy I felt for Sheila because in all fairness, it was always me who went away. I was never a constant in Jeff’s life and so how could I expect him to not fall for her? She had been the one who was always there for him and weren’t we all fall for the one regular figure in our lives? After all, that’s why I fell for Jeff.

I checked my phone, hoping that Jeff would call and asked me not to go. Because I’d do that; because I could be that crazy to drop everything if he had asked me to stay.

I’ve always been fascinated with human relations -be it romantic/sexual attachments, platonic friendships, office relationships, family relations… it’s quite impressive how we humans can have so many connections with each other and how a disturbance in a particular relationship (e.g. conflict or separation) can affect an individual significantly.

So, let’s talk about relationships. Specifically romantic relationships.

I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks and cried over guys (!) before but really, I only have (very) few personal experiences when it comes to romance. I’ve never been asked out (romantically) nor gone on a date with a special someone. I’ve never had a fight with a lover over something principal. I’ve never had to make huge sacrifices for a guy. I’ve been young(er), stupid and I’d go as far as to say I’ve been in love, but I’ve never, ever had a serious relationship.

So, to be perfectly honest, I don’t know how it feels to have someone who is as devoted to you as you are to him/her. Or, as someone who loves less. I have no idea how it’d be to have an “other half” - I have a twinzy and he makes me very happy so I’d guess that having an other half would feel as wonderful, if not MORE. I know how it feels to have your feelings crushed into pieces but I cannot put myself in the shoes of someone who’s just broken up after years of relationship. Do you feel liberated? Or do you feel like a diluted crap being flushed down the toilet? Or does it feel the same like being in an unrequited love? I have not a slightest clue.

Yet somehow, my friends ask me, the most unqualified of all people, for relationship advice. It feels weird, giving up tips I’ve yet tried. At the same time being a neutral observer has given me some insights into the works of Eros.

Here are some advice I’ve gathered as I vicariously live a life full of romance through my friends and families:

1. Express don’t repress. Easier said than done, I know. But seriously, I think most relationship problems (not just the romantic ones, but also in general, human-relationships) stem from our tendency to just ‘guess’ rather than talk things out. Confronting discomfort is hard I know, because we get so used to that discomfort it eventually becomes comfortable. And allow me to paraphrase John Green, maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say because it’s gonna hurt and it’s gonna hurt because it matters. True, true. But precisely because it matters, you have to express it.

2. Don’t try to change a person. Another fundamental problems of humanity: expecting things not as they are. How do you expect an adult to change something that might have been developed since their childhood? Besides, I think change comes from within, if they don’t wanna change, they won’t change. So stop trying to make that happen, it’s NOT gonna happen.

3. Have some dignity. I think everyone who’s ever fall for someone knows that it’s hard to keep yourself together when you’re so head over heels with a person; I’m also not immune to this at times :p so I’m aware how love can be a personality killer. And I know with love and relationships, come sacrifices but there’s a difference between compromising and letting this other person seize total control over you.

4. Two is better than one. Although you refer to being each other’s other “half”, it’s important to still be two independent people. Sometimes “we” is cute, but at some point it gets annoying whenever one person consistently speaks on behalf of the other. Can we make “super cool individually, doubly cool together” a thing? Because it needs to be a thing.

5. Know when to call it off, and call it off. Again, it’s hard to confront discomfort. However, staying in a relationship much longer than it should have is just a recipe for a long-lasting dissatisfaction and unnecessary stress.

6. Being single is not a curse/purgatory/hell/ *insert any negative noun here*. Nothing annoys me the most than people trying to get me into relationships as if there’s something wrong with me being alone. Like, can you not be in the crusade of trying to pair everybody up? Okay, some people get uncomfortable when they’re alone and I have to admit that yes, sometimes, it’s lonely. But why are you so scared of yourself, man? You are the one person who really knows you best, let you have yourself for yourself. So, those who are so afraid to break up or those who are so desperate to partner up, lemme tell you: being single is liveable. Now a lot of people have told me that of course I like being alone because I’ve never been with anyone - well maybe, but I’ve no regrets. Being content with being alone may be an acquired taste; it’s a life skill, and a very useful one that is.

I might be wrong and those might as well be a naive observation. After all, I’m just someone who doesn’t date and prefer friendship-based relationships ;)