Nin Djani

Halfway through 2021.

As someone who has spent the past 18 months mostly at home, with each passing day, I feel this increasing sense of isolation and guilt (for having this privilege to be at home). This week, more countries have added Indonesia into their travel ban lists and though it seems unlikely for me to leave anyway, the travel bans really amplify this bleak reality of being stuck here, for who knows when.

In the past two-three weeks or so, I have been using my social media mainly to spread news about vaccine information, plasma/oxygen needs, donation lines and other Covid-19 relief-related posts. In this age of keyboard warriors, it's easy to feel like you've made a dent by posting and reposting information. And to a certain extent, there's this inspiring energy of solidarity whenever I see public initiatives to help one another to get oxygen/donor, to fundraise for marginalised communities, to support small businesses. But at the same time, there's this undeniable pang of helplessness and disappointment towards the government.

The thing is, while we - the citizens - are frantically trying to survive, to help each other as much as we can with whatever we have, the government keeps on denying the dire crisis saying that everything is under control, that hospitals and doctors are overreacting, that it's the people who are at blame for not staying at home (note: how the fuck can people stay at home without income when there's bills to pay and mouths to feed), that they are not responsible for providing stipend/food because technically we are not in lockdown (karantina/quarantine) but PPKM (mobility restrictions). As if the gaslighting is not enough, there has been plenty of insensitive actions coming from members of parliament, ministers and their relatives. From proposing paid vaccinations (currently the plan is being postponed, but not entirely cancelled yet), to blaming the citizens for the possibility of decreasing foreign investments, to going on a vacation to Japan (for a honeymoon), to admitting that they have spent the PPKM watching soap operas on TV, and perhaps the craziest of all, imposing ethical sanction to investigators who helped expose the former minister of embezzling the Covid-19 bansos (social assistance) - which could possibly dismiss the case entirely.

All my life, I have never expected much from the government (and many/most Indonesians probably share similar sentiments). I mean, growing up, we are used to inefficient system and corrupt officials, that as a result citizen-led initiatives are just so normalized. But this scale of ignorance and anti-science is just... I don't even have the proper word to articulate it. Sure, again, I'm amazed at how natural it is for many Indonesians to form a solidarity effort, to fundraise and all. Maybe it is in our DNA, okay alright, but to have people in power glorifying that spirit as "Indonesian-ness" and make it seem that this crowdfund is proof of our nationalism while they - who have the power to actually do something - sit back at their lavish home and watch soap operas is unacceptable.

I can only hope that they have the decency to see that these victims are not just statistics number, these are real people who did not have to die out of negligence.

I know that writing this won't make much of a difference and if anything, it only adds as yet another rant. About a decade ago, when I decided that I wanted to pursue the arts and creative sector to follow my #passion, I justified the decision by telling myself (and others) that from the decades of prioritizing the science and technology education, we have enough doctors, intellectuals, engineers who can solve things. It's okay for me to be "useless". But now, I have a hard time to make sense of what I do and why I do what I do. Yes, of course, I know that not everyone can be doctors and scientists, and that everyone has their own role, their own unique capabilities. And even if, if I were a doctor, I still would be one little person trying to solve a global pandemic. It would be an impossible job. But still, it feels silly to worry about producing a cutting-edge arts exhibition or a mindblowingly cute and viral music video in a time like this. Again, I know that it is precisely in times of despair, in quarantine, that people need quality content and find solace in arts - whether it's a good book, a soothing music, an inspiring movie, a stunning painting - and so, what I do is not entirely useless, in fact it's probably necessary. It's just that, I wish I could do more. I wish I could help in a more tangible way.

As I'm writing this today (3 July 2021):

- there is an pipe explosion at an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico that causes, literally, a fire in the ocean.

- the daily Covid-19 infection rates in Indonesia is at 27,913 cases.

- at least 265 people has died during their self-isolation in Indonesia as the healthcare system is collapsing and we are facing oxygen crisis.

- every day, for about a month now, I wake up to news that someone I know has passed away, been tested positive, and/or in dire need of ICU/oxygen/plasma donor.

Honestly, just when I thought things could not get any worse but experts has predicted that the worst is yet to come. The Covid-19 wave is estimated to reach its peak here by late August at 400,000 new cases per day. Not gonna lie, feel like it's just a matter of time before the virus gets to me.

I know I am biased by saying this but, Indonesia is truly the worst place to be during a pandemic like this.

First, even after 1,5 years and increasing new cases, there are still so many Covidiots who think that 1) the virus does not exist - it's all a conspiracy!, 2) the vaccines are a scam created by the big pharma, 3) refuse to wear masks and stick to safety protocols, and 4) doctors and nurses must not complain because it's their duty.

Second, could the government be any more incompetent? I believe that part of the reasons why we're at this point is because the government has never taken this pandemic seriously. All they care about was the economy and tourism when people are losing their livelihood. The government kept refusing to opt for a lockdown until it's too late, they were too busy coming up with new names for quarantine measures. And when they do (starting today until the 20th), it's not even in the entire country, but only Java and Bali - as if other island aren't as important although there are spiking cases everywhere. Worst of all, funds that are/were supposed to be allocated for pandemic relief and aids were... believe it or not... embezzeled. A former social minister was discovered to have taken money from this aid, in the total amount of 100 trillion Rupiahs. I cannot even imagine money in that amount. And the government kept saying there was no money for lockdown.

Hospitals are collapsing and refusing patients simply because there aren't enough beds and supplies anymore. To begin with, for an archipelago of this size, we have never had enough doctors and nurses to begin with. But during this time, we have losta around 1,000 medical workers who worked on the frontline and mostly were experts. So, in a desperate attempt, senior-year medical students/junior residents have been deployed and put at risk. It's highly likely that we will lost (or, are already in the way of losing) a generation of doctors, nurses, medical workers, and health experts

In times like this, I genuinely lose respect to all people who disregard the pandemic and keep on putting others at risk. This includes those Covidiots, those who are tested positive but careless enough to not inform anyone they've been in contact with and thereby continue spreading the virus, employers who put their employees at risk by forcing them to put business as usual despite the circumstances, and those privileged-people who think that they could only get infected from their (less-privileged) staff when it was them as the boss who had been travelling, going out for unnecessary purposes, etc.

Surely this experience has put things in perspective for me personally. Unlike last year when there was actually hope and motivation to create something, to learn new things, to look on the bright side, this year it's hard. Almost impossible, even. How am I supposed to plan things for the long-term when I live/work on a day to day basis under all this pressure? Is it even humane to push someone - anyone - to work as if nothing has happened? Yes, we need to adapt and it is during desperate times like this that we all need to look for creative solutions, but we also need time to grief, to process things that are moving way too fast and beyond our control. This culture of immediacy and productivity is simply unattainable when you live on a survival mode.

I keep thinking, wistfully, what if things are different. What if, I did not return to Indonesia when I finished my studies, what if I had stayed in Europe or tried harder to find work elsewhere, build a life there. It's not that I regret my decision to enter the Indonesian creative scene and of course, I am aware of just how much privilege I have, to admit that I actually have (or had) options to leave. But I would be lying if there isn't a part of me that feels this country is robbing me of my supposed-prime years. Again, I'm thankful of what I have managed to do throughout 2020-2021, but man I could've done so much more in this past 1,5 years. As there is no end in sight yet, I don't know if I'll have the energy or time to catch up, by the time this is all over.

At the moment, I don't see any reason to push through. So, yeah maybe this is all on me and I'm just using the pandemic as an excuse for my lack of "fighting spirit". But again, I just don't see the point of producing exhibitions, planning all the plan Bs Cs Ds for when things go awry, risking it all for the sake of content production and to show the world how I've made it through the pandemic as productively and as creatively as possible. It feels so much, too much.

I keep telling myself, "Ask for help. That's all you gotta do, just ask."

That's all I gotta do right? It should be that simple.

And yet, I don't even have the courage to ask. So, writing this now (oversharing on the internet!!!) is as far as it gets. It's silly, I know. But I am also aware - perhaps a little too much - that ultimately, my problems are small and simple.

I know that life is not a competition and that I should not invalidate my own experience, but still, it's hard to admit that you are struggling when there are so many others with more complex problems, who are more vulnerable, who have less privilege and access.

In a perfect world, we would all live in a kinder society. We will not dismiss someone's life just because they are young, single, and live a seemingly comfortable life. We will acknowledge all experiences - no matter how small or big, as valid. We will be mindful, we will lift each other up. We will all be responsible for our happiness so that we don't need to be mean to others just to feel superior. We will help others without being asked. We will ask for help because that is the normal, logical, sensible thing to do.

I know that, in times like this I should be grateful just to be alive, but I gotta admit this: the pandemic is taking its toll on my mental health and it's truly draining to live like this.

Yes, I know that some people are losing their jobs, losing their family and close friends - even losing their lives. So the fact that I still have my job, my family and close friends, and my life is really putting things in perspectives.

Really, I'm sorry for complaining.

But the truth is, I feel like I'm losing grip with life itself. You know, in the past year it gives me so much anxiety to even check my WhatsApp and emails. I can't even explain or pinpoint why it's happening. Simple tasks that used to take me a few hours to get done, now it takes me days or even weeks. I carry this guilt for being slow and unresponsive, for being... unprofessional.

I know that ultimately, what counts is to give your best, but what if "your best" is not good enough?

I feel like I'm letting down my co-workers (who, I'm lucky enough to also call friends since I've no life outside work really.) because I know that they too are busy, they have their lives and other responsibilities, they too are dealing with their own worries. The least I can do is to make their - our - lives easier in one aspect, but I can't even get over myself and do that.

I don't know if it's 100% the pandemic, to be honest. I do know that it's easy to put all the blame on a plague. But I also feel like this is an accummulation of past burnouts and unresolved issues.

I've read pieces about how it's important to put your well being first and to prioritize a reevaluation of your past-current lifestyle, to strive towards mindful living, to not fall into the trap of capitalism once again. But how to do that? How to balance?

I am aware that this issue I'm having right now is valid, but I am rational enough to accept that it's a small problem, in the grand scheme of things and that the world does not revolve around myself and my small problem. As an adult, I have a responsibility to my community and sometimes, that responsibility entails being swift and reachable. So..., how?

A part of me thinks that I should come clean and ask for a space. But for how long? And more importantly, is it even wise to leave for personal break when there are so many things to tend to? Am I being too hard on myself or being lenient?

First, let's establish some things that are NOT news. As always, I am stressed about work - more precisely, about not doing and achieving as much as I should have. I am under pressure of turning 30 in six months with no significant change in any aspect of my life. I have this looming fear of becoming irrelevant and replaced by younger, better, more humble, more flexible, more talented people. I am nowhere near financially thriving - I am struggling just to be stable. I feel like I am wasting my life and nonexistent career path. I am crippled with an immense guilt of not learning to deal with capital F Failure sooner. I KNOW that I SHOULD turn my life around quickly and get my shit together before all opportunities slip away, but wow why am I still here, whining and oversharing on the internet.

I have been re-watching Gilmore Girls. Growing up, when the show was still airing on TV, I did watch some episodes of it and was familiar with the big arc but I was never really into it (I was more into Friends and Sex and the City hahaha). However, sure enough, I took pride in being compared to Rory. When people told me that I reminded them of Rory, the bookish, studious girl from Stars Hollow, I couldn't help but feeling this sense of accomplishment. Like Rory, I also wanted to be a journalist and author. Like Rory, I dreamt to enter Ivy League schools. And I'll admit, I too wanted a strings of cute, devoted boyfriends like Dean, Jess, and so many others haha.

Anyway, in the past year, I've been trying to revisit some old habits that I did in my youth, which I believe contributed to being driven and actually getting things done well. Included as part of this nostalgia was listening and watching stuff that were a big part of the period. Thus, my intention of re-watching Gilmore Girls is simple, I want to study Rory. I want to see this determined girl that I grew up being compared to. I want to see what makes her tick and more importantly, how she copes with the real world as an adult.

And boy. What the fuck.

Watching the show as a 29 year old, I must say that I find Rory Gilmore insufferable. She is a spoiled, entitled brat who thinks the world must revolve around her because she is oh-so-very special. She treats people around her poorly, from her boyfriends, best friends, and especially her family. The fact that she is now stuck as a thirtysomething is actually predictable because she never puts in the work. She expects things to just be handed out to her in a silver spoon and that her rich grandparents will always come to her rescue. No wonder, she doesn't go anywhere when she could've been going places.

Everything that happens to Rory in adulthood can be traced back to her teenage years. Even in the pilot, I had this slight annoyance when she had her mom's staff at the Inn helping her with her school assignment. That's her responsibility? Not to mention the meltdown she had at Chilton when she couldn't take the test because she was late. And don't get me started at how Rory treats Lorelai. That being said, I wish Lorelai was more assertive towards Rory. I think Lorelai tries so hard to be the cool mom but on the way, she excuses many bad behaviours. If only she uses the mom card more often, maybe... Rory wouldn't grow up to be so bratty after all? Of course, it's not entirely Lorelai's fault, I mean Richard and Emily had some fair share of overly indulging Rory, but at least Emily sometimes called Rory out when the snobbery escalated.

Nonetheless, I could not help but to be self aware. Am I turning into Rory Gilmore myself? Have I been a Rory?

Many have pointed out that Rory is such an only child, the ever-pampered baby who never learn how to share and accept failure. Could it be that I am in the same path as hers then?

I always think I'm different from other only children, in the sense that I am to a certain extent self-reliant, but am I though? Haha. Isn't feeling "different from the others" is in a way a form of entitlement and superiority?

Unlike Rory who thinks that some jobs are beneath her, I pride myself in wanting to put in the work, in taking any job no matter how small or big. But is it really? How about some projects I did not put some thoughts into because I felt it wouldn't look so good on my portfolio? How about those easy-money stuff I take purely for the money? Am I still better than Rory? How about this chronic, ongoing mallady in which I feel that I have poor work ethics?

I feel like, with all that goes on with Rory, she deserves it. That being said, do I deserve this anticlimactic journey? Maybe, I mean why not? I am not exempted from reality. Am I plunging into my own downfall?

I know that I have a choice to turn things around, that things can change, that it ain't real until it happens. But I'm running out of optimism. I genuinely thought I'd achieve something by now, something that is my own. I am aware that things like this take process, but it doesn't help to be constantly reminded that I'm going past my prime soon. No more under 25, under 27, under 30. On one hand I realize that this society's obsession with youth is toxic and that most young achievers are incredibly privileged. On the other hand, a part of me feels that I'm just saying that to excuse myself, to justify my own's mediocrity.

There's nothing inherently wrong with being mediocre of course. It's just that with the resources that I was provided with, the opportunities that I had... it's easy to see myself like a failed "investment". I can see it in people's eyes, when I told them about my studies, where I live, my age... there's always that look, that "What are you doing here? You should be doing something big." Is it wrong to want to be doing something small, or am I just too afraid of failing big?