Dec 10, 2013
"Goodnight, Kururugi-senpai. Keep warm."
"Goodnight to you too, Rolo. Sleep wellā¦"
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"Goodnight, Kururugi-senpai. Keep warm."
"Goodnight to you too, Rolo. Sleep wellā¦"
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Rolo nodded his head slowly, the knight's touch feeling both fond and foreign. "Thank you, thank you senpai. I love you. I will always have love for you." He breathed deep, no longer lurching so frequently. "I can't, tell if I'm happy or sadā¦ it's all blended together and everything's coldā¦"
"Letās get you to bedā¦ Then Iāll make you some tea or I can make you something light to eat." Suzaku offered. He wanted to do whatever he could to make sure Rolo was comfortable. "Can you walk? I can carry youā¦"
'He isn't looking too goodā¦ I'd better keep an eye on him so nothing happens.'
Rolo gripped the bucket harshly, his insides feeling strained and burned. His lurches were punctuated, painful and deep, but he'd mostly calmed down at the knight's words and actions. He bowed his head further, now disgusted at his weakness. "Thank you, Kururugi-senpai, you're all I can trust, to take care of Nii-San. Thank you, so muchā¦" He coughed a few times. "I'm sorry, for leaving you so great a burdenā¦ I'll try to do betterā¦" He shuddered, after having told Lelouch that so many times.
"Youāre not leaving any sort of burden on me at allā¦ Iāll be happy to take care of Lelouch when the inevitable happensā¦ Both me and Nunnally will take care of him." Suzaku promised as he rubbed Roloās back to make sure heāll be okay.
Rolo sobbed harsher, drawing a hand to his chest, the heartbeat that miraculously continued. "I, ghā¦ I can't stay with Nii-Sanā¦ I can't stay in heaven with Nii-San, ghā¦ and when I fail him, he's going to fall into a depressionā¦ ghā¦ no one, gh, and no love can save him from, just like you saidā¦ gh. It'll be all my fault- I'm sorry! I'm sorry! gh ā¦I'm sorry!" Rolo pushed away from Suzaku, collapsing on the floor, and began dry heaving uncontrollably.
(I can use this icon for anything jfc)
"Rolo!" Suzaku was alarmed when Rolo had started dry heaving and he was afraid something more unfortunate might happen to him. Quickly, he grabbed a bucket from the closet and a bottled water from the refrigerator before returning to the younger brunet. He carefully had him lean over the bucket so when Rolo eventually vomits, he wonāt spill the contents of his stomach onto the floor.
"Hey Rolo? Try to breatheā¦ Mimic how Iām breathingā¦" Suzaku commanded him, hoping he was listening to him and will follow his advice. He didnāt know if he could help Rolo but he needed to calm him down somehow.
"I wish I hadnāt said those things to youā¦ Iām sorry. So let me make it up to you by saying I feel that Lelouch accepts your words of love deep down. He does put up a defensive type of shield because he doesnāt want anything or anyone to hurt him anymoreā¦" Suzaku paused for a moment before speaking again. "Iām not saying he wonāt fall into depression once you leave usā¦but as long as he has Nunnally and me, heāll eventually be okay. Weāll take care of him, Rolo. Weāll do our damnedest to make him happyā¦. To make him smile again. You have my word."
"Yet, my vision isn't good enough for Nunnally either," Rolo lost the strength in his legs and began sobbing. "and I'm going, to hurt Nii-San, so much. My heart will fail him, each moment is one more distraught beat closer to the destruction of my godā¦ because I'm not good enough to live forever in the time I have leftā¦ I can't spend myself, and it's hurting Nii-Sanā¦! I'm hurting my love, my greatest friend, and my angel and the center of my world. My love for him, he doesn't believe in itā¦"
"Roloā¦ I donāt think itās about your vision not being good enough for Lelouch or Nunnally. They would feel unfair if one of them had vision while the other didnāt, not getting to see all the beautiful things in this world. Another reason is that they feel as though they might be using youā¦ Even if youāre giving one of them your eyes so willinglyā¦"
Suzaku didnāt know whether his words were helping Rolo or making this situation even worse than before. Either way, he felt bad because it was making the younger brunet even more depressed. āI think youāre good enough to live foreverā¦if not as long as you possibly can. We only hurt him because he thinks weāre lying. However we canāt leave Lelouch because heāll have confirmation weāve completely lied and played with his emotions.ā
He had let out a sigh. āWe have to stay with him and tell him how much we love and care for him, Rolo. No matter whatā¦ā
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"But Kururugi-senpai, all I've done is disappoint him, even when I try harder it gets worseā¦ I visited him in the mansion, but it didn't help, and visited here, and even moved inā¦ and I wasn't enough to fill his heart so he wanted a child, which I couldn't give him, because I wasn't good enough, and he doesn't want my vision, I can't make him happy by giving it to his sisterā¦ soon my heart will fail him, and I've written him letters that must be burning blades melting his insides to the metalā¦!"
"You do know why he canāt accept your vision right?" Suzaku asked, before explaining. "He canāt have sight while Nunnally doesnāt. He doesnāt think thatās fair. Surely you must understand that, Roloā¦"
"You fill his heart completely. We all do. If he ever lost you or any of us, heāll feel like his heart isnāt complete. Then heāll slowly fall into a deeper depression. No amount of saving or love can help him when he falls into a depression like thatā¦"
Rolo took the knife from his pocket and cradled it in his fingers. "I don't want to stab anybody anymoreā¦! Especially, not my Nii-San, not my god." His breathing wavered again. "I don't want to bring my malevolence into this heaven, bring my sin, and hurt my godā¦ what do I have to do, to not hurt my Nii-San, not disappoint him, believing my love to be a lie." He snarled the last word, thinking how devastating it would be if his brother's words were lies. "I've already disappointed him enoughā¦"
"You havenāt disappointed him, Rolo. Even if your words hurt, he loves you and he doesnāt want you to feel guilty about this at all." Suzaku mused. "It just takes Lelouch a while to accept our compliments. Especially mine since Iām his husband. Heāll accept yours more quicklyā¦ At least I hope so."
Rolo palmed his eyes hard to rid the tears. "It, doesn't f-feel trueā¦ when he played his violin s-so beautifully, and gave me such a beautiful smile." He kept his gaze at the floor. "I d-don't, Iā¦ I want him to feel happy, butā¦ when I go to my Nii-San, I can't bring myself to hurt him, and tell him those things. I feel evil, even though, I know I'm hurting him more by not telling himā¦" Rolo let a deep, quick breath. "I'm so sad, and nervous, to be around my Nii-San, but he is my greatest loveā¦!"
"I may be his husband but I believe I end up hurting him more than I can even comprehend. So I can understand your feelings very well, Rolo." Suzaku genty rested one of his hands on Roloās shoulder before pulling him into a gentle hug. "I know you love Lelouch and you want to make him happyā¦ It may not seem like itās enough and I know this is terrible advice from me but keep saying these words to himā¦ Eventually, heāll realize theyāre truly words of love from all of us and heāll be happy."