#role changes

anyway, I've got a question. we used to be a system with a strong consistent core/host who was also the original. others would front but it was almost always him fronting and when something that interested him came up he wouldn't be able to keep from fronting.

we went through some personal trauma and began hanging out with some system friends more regularly. and totally by accident, the host stopped fronting altogether. he hasn't seen the front in two years now.

I'm just curious whether you or any of your followers have heard of a situation like this? it isn't a bother to us, it's just been a mystery to us why the sudden shift occurred. we'd had traumatic incidents before with the old system format, and we'd been in contact with other systems, albeit not as closely. this feels more honest to the way we are, but the old way didn't feel BAD either.

sorry for the long message. anyway, have you/anyone following heard of something like this?

Hiya! Our own system has had a few host changes, and while our situation may not be exactly like yours, we do think that sometimes systems will experience a change in hosts for a wide variety of reasons! :3

Your host might have stopped fronting because of the trauma y’all went through. It might have impacted him in a more serious way than other events have or he might have been affected by it differently than the rest of your system! Or maybe his role as host isn’t as necessary for y’all at this point in your life! Sometimes when system members lose roles, or when their role stops being so crucial to their system’s survival and success, they may tend to front a bit less. That’s been the case for our system, at least! >w<

We’ve also heard of some systems having a headmate with the designated role as a mask or chameleon. Basically a headmate who keeps their plurality a secret from others (and sometimes even from themselves!). If this sort of thing sounds like it might describe your host, maybe he stopped fronting as y’all reached a point in your life where you’re more comfortable being open about your systemhood and have found some fellow systems who support and accept your plurality? Just a thought!!

And honestly, system members don’t always have to have a reason to shift or change or stop fronting or start experiencing life differently! Sometimes unexplainable changes might happen, and that’s okay! It doesn’t mean there’s necessarily something wrong or weird going on, especially if your system seems to be managing things well! :3

“Children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Motherhood has been a uniquely challenging experience for me. When I had my kiddos, I took my role as a mom very seriously; raising them has always been my responsibility, with or without the support of their fathers. 

I made poor choices in my relationships and, as a result, I wound up marrying/divorcing 2 men within the span of 23 years. Neither proved to be great dads to my kiddos, which meant I raised both of them singlehandedly. I had to be their nurturer andtheir disciplinarian and finding that balance was really difficult...not impossible, but difficult. 

Other than the usual challenges in their early years, I didn’t have any problems with discipline. My son had a language disorder that required intense support throughout his school career. His teachers, school principal, and everyone else involved in his long-term care praised him and assured me that there were no behavioral problems. At the time I was thankful, but I didn’t think much of it; when there are zero behavioral problems, it’s something you don’t think about until there are.

My daughter has always been an outgoing person and she has a beautiful spirit. Her early years were peaceful and her teachers all praised her for her work and enthusiasm for helping during recess. Sadly, my kiddos never saw us act loving toward each other. My daughter’s father was abusive and used her as a tool for revenge. He relished the idea of undoing everything I did to raise my kiddos properly, with little regard to the long-term effects.

It was when my daughter was 11 or 12 that her father worked harder to alienate her from me. And he succeeded. She eventually decided to live with him, due to his passive parenting methods. There were no consequences for bad behavior and whatever she asked for she got. He even encouraged her to act disrespectfully toward me and that disrespect eventually turned into abuse. 

He passed away a little over a year after she moved in with him and, by then, she’d attempted suicide 3 times. She was self-harming, drinking, smoking, and on anti-depressants. People say that it was all down to being a teenager, but that’s not all it was. Living with a parent who didn’t enforce rules or boundaries affected her ability to trust or respect any authority figure ~ especially me. After her father’s passing, she had to come live with me and, by that time, her mind was well and truly poisoned against me. 

Four years later, we have managed to heal our relationship, but the challenges I faced following her father’s death were tremendous. She continued to self-harm and wound up in the hospital 4 times in one year. After countless police visits, a long list of anti-depressants and 5 counselors, she got pregnant at 16. School, graduation, and getting a GED fell by the wayside. She now lives elsewhere and, although we get along much better now, there’s still a lot of anger and hurt on both sides. 

I would love for us to be more compatible with living under the same roof, but doing so creates more stress for both of us. As a mother, I have learned that I need to know when to take a step back and let my kiddos find their way by themselves. My daughter has a daughter of her own now and she now needs to learn all about being a mom herself. 

In the meantime, I am adapting to the change in my role as a mom. The transition is difficult; it wasn’t long ago that I was the one my kids needed for the many things that only a mom can give. Now, I’m a supportive advisor, focusing more on my life...trying to not freak out over “empty nest syndrome”. 

Sometimes, I’m successful and, others, I would give anything to go back and cuddle my little ones for just a little bit longer. 

Interesting video: Ecofactor: Comcast enters smart thermostat game