#rodrambles

zoey: [did somebody say MEATLOAF?] mira: no. no one did. i'm making hotteok.

...

after dance practice zoey: augh, [i'm so sore from creating my own path] rumi: ...what. mira: what

...

their weapons are the embodiment of their desires i think. rumi with her desire to be a hero to fight the monster within, to emulate her mother figure, to make herself worthy (more on that on my "rumi's sain-geom" post). mira and her gok-do, with longer reach as a protector, keeping a distance but making sure those close to her heart are secure. zoey and her shin-kal, endless possibilities and more than one focus, small but deadly, just the right amount, enough to succeed.

i wonder how they interact with the honmoon. rumi was practically born into it, with celine there to guide her since she was young. we see a really small rumi with her sword, and being able to call to the honmoon's strings, to harmonize with it. she's seen it since she can remember, the rippling waves protecting the world. i wonder how much of it is her mother's inheritance, celine's guidance, and her father's nature. i picture rumi as a spider, particularly attuned to the honmoon and able to accurately pinpoint disturbances in it, good or bad. the strongest presence she is always on the lookout for are mira and zoey; a balm on the closeness she desired. she still does it after the idol awards like a little self soothing ritual. she reaches for celine too, sometimes.

zoey had always felt a rhythm she couldn't quite place, like a metronome that matched her heartbeat. in the long flights to korea, in the long car rides between her parents, she'd tap into the beat and let it guide her pen. i think rumi, under celine's guide, would try and get zoey to meditate and breathe and read, all the theory from hunters past. and zoey is so bored and distracted (what does "emptying her mind" mean? she always has a song playing!) that she just does her own thing in secret when she's alone (she doesn't want to disappoint them any more, doesn't want to be a bother). she writes and freestyles and listens to the beat, lets it wash over her, and then her shin-kal materialize. "unorthodox", celine says. "instinct", rumi replies.

the audition flier mira picks up says "listen to the rhythm of the soul". which is very clearly fluff. she can work with any rhythm, simply letting her body flow with the torrent of emotion she isn't sure how to deal with otherwise. she enjoys dancing, and sometimes gets so lost in it she can feel as if invisible strings help her keep going; take that extra step, stretch a little further, keep her from faltering. rumi says to watch the glow, zoey tells her to listen, but all mira does is feel the warmth envelop her. the breathing helps her relax (rumi's perfection and theory is frustrating, zoey's instinct doesn't sit right either) and all she does is let the strings guide her like they've always had to wrap around the length of her gok-do.

i wonder if mira and zoey changed that. i can imagine zoey wanting to be everything: a marine biologist, a songwriter, an illustrator, a skater, a good friend; something to make her worthwhile.

(she'd learn she is enough no matter what she chooses to do, and her girls remind her whenever they can.)

mira would have wanted to be a dancer, a choreographer, a stylist, a good person. she'd prove her family wrong, she would not be a problem child. she would carve her own path and make sure no one got in her way.

(she'd learn she's always been good, jagged edges and all, and her guard is let down around her girls.)

rumi wants celine to look at her. she wants to be human. she wants her mother. she wants to be close with mira and zoey. rumi learns that all she ever wants are impossible things. she learns to want what has been predisposed for her.

(after the reveal of her patterns and the near end of the world, rumi finally admits to herself that maybe she didn't want it, but she loves her life. as an idol, as a hunter, with mira and zoey. she loves the people around her, present, gone or otherwise. she learns what she wants, and gets it.

i think of zoey growing up in america and being more used to overt shows of physical affection. she'd get hugs from her father's side of the family, kisses on the cheek, playful fighting. i think of her whiplash when bullying at school goes from verbal to physical, when the shoves aren't playful anymore. the strange way her muscles disobey her and for a while she flinches at any sudden movement. i think of her eventually moving to korea and reconciling her identity with such a different culture. she polishes her broken korean and learns of other love languages from her mother's family and from her girls.

i think of her meeting rumi first, who has been touch starved for years. rumi loves hugs and caresses and skinship, but celine cannot bring herself to touch her for long anymore. not since the patterns spread. she's old enough to not need so much attention, anyway. at least celine believes as much. rumi on the other hand has learned to push down the overwhelming urge to hold, to be held. she aches for that pressure. zoey and rumi become attached at the hip, even if rumi never asks for hugs, or initiates them. zoey becomes fluent in rumi-isms and can tell when she needs one.

zoey is the lyricist and as such i think she doesn’t struggle putting her feelings to words; if anything i think she struggles with having too many words. she’s the type to think faster than she speaks and it’s why she gets into rap. her diction is crazy good, even back when she still struggled with the language. her notebooks are filled with thoughts and ideas and everything that crosses her mind, cuz otherwise she gets overwhelmed and cannot focus. it’s how she writes music: throw everything at the wall, see what sticks, then frankenstein a song from all that. she pulls a rubber duck on everyone in her path: rumi, mira, bobby, derpy and sussie, rumi’s teddy bear; once she even called celine at 3 am and she just sat there and listened. zoey cannot for the life of her summarize or reduce her word count, but her girls listen or redirect her, and what else could she need?

mira has a harder time of things. i think she agonizes over words, turns them this way and that, practices conversations in her head. she plans and rehearses, but when the time comes to say it out loud, it still doesn’t come out quite right. eventually she just kind of gives up; she claims to be overly blunt, highly aggressive, but i like to think she just thinks that about herself. call yourself something before others say it, that kind of self defense. her voice is low and her tone is flat, more than once her tone or wording or expression have made people take her the wrong way. she’s frustrated and sad more than angry, but not with her girls. they take their time knowing her, learning her; to be loved is to be seen. and mira has more than one way to express herself; there’s a reason why she’s the choreographer. she expresses herself in actions, gentle touches, freedom of movement, and she knows her girls will listen.

so, ultimately it boils down to rumi having her entire life set up for her since the start. she was always meant to be a hunter, she was always meant to be an idol, and that's that. i've rambled about these already so i won't go into further detail here (pssst go check out #RodRambles).

let's look now at the hunter system as a whole. the very first were three women who sang and used starlit weapons to fend off demons. every generation afterwards we see this pattern repeated, and so there is an assumption that this is predetermined. that is Just How The Honmoon Works (i hope we get to see more about this in the sequel and short movie).

imagine rumi, raised as a warrior, as a public personality, and being told she will have two unconditional female friends to keep the world safe. all good, all settled from the very beginning. and don't get me wrong, i think rumi has the very heroic sense to accept this with nobility and vows to be a protector, a hero. i think she genuinely loves her art and her athleticism, but it's the lack of choice that bothers me.

the hunters are always three human women who sing. but then the idol awards happen and surprise, rumi will remain half demon, so that doesn't seem to bear much weight after all. her weapon is even stronger now, as is the honmoon. they can take breaks when they need to, and rifts are likely rarer.

rumi perfectly embodies "i'm probably trans but i have a job", but then the three month hiatus hits and she's alone (with zoey and mira of course) with her thoughts. she is forced to slow down and grapple with herself, and likely has some revelations (had she thought about her sexuality before? in my head she's bi and in the asexual spectrum, but that's for another post).

i don't think she'd consider herself trans at first. she hasn't suffered from that crippling sense of dysphoria she keeps seeing mentioned, and at most feels somewhat apathetic about it. like, sure, she can be a woman. she's been performing as a woman her whole life, and that's been alright.

but then something would happen, like mira calling her prince instead of princess for once, or zoey calling her handsome for a change, and a little something sparks in her chest. and of course she'd panic about it and hide and fear and feel shame (old patterns are hard to let go of) but zoey and mira expect it by this point, and i like to think rumi knows better and seeks them out.

and they'd talk, and mira being into fashion and zoey having lived in america likely have more experience with non traditional expressions and identities, and rumi would have the safe space to experiment.

rumi grows up thinking of her mother's gak-gung. a bow is rather graceful and unexpectedly powerful, precise and deadly. she grows up thinking of inheritance, of legacy, of bloodlines.

rumi grows up with celine's bedtime stories. she speaks of brave heroes overcoming terrible monsters, and rumi wants to be one. she learns of knights and pictures herself in their stead.

rumi grows up seeing celine return from hunts exhausted. she's tired and alone and rumi thinks she's the most badass person on earth. she wants to help, she wants to be like her to protect the world, to protect her parental figure.

(rumi won't call her mom, celine won't let her. every time she reminds herself it hurts a little less, but it settles a little deeper.)

i wonder how celine felt when rumi first summoned her sword so young. i wonder if she looked at her own ssang-geum and asked herself what had gone wrong. if she had displaced mi-yeong's memory from rumi's mind.

rumi is everything she shouldn't be. she has her father's marks and her guardian's weapon, so she keeps her mother's braid. celine pulls back, thinking distance might help. help what? keep the image of a dead woman alive? at the expense of her child? mi-yeong's child? or is it celine's?

i can imagine celine at the tree, watching rumi kneel before her and present her sword. celine's sword? rumi's. and mi-yeong's death.