I’ve been trying to write this post out for a while now but every time I do, I start second-guessing the things I’m saying and end up feeling insecure about it all and then I just delete the whole thing. I’m not going to do that this time. I’m not going to delete this. I’m going to get out everything I’ve been bottling up for so long.

I am not okay. I haven’t been okay for a very long time. I think it’s some form of anxiety but I haven’t had the time to go to a doctor and see what’s up. I just know that I’m messed up in the head and that the way I feel is not normal. It can’t be normal.

My mind is constantly running through everything I’ve said or done, questioning and doubting and second-guessing every word and action. I can already feel myself doubting what I’m typing but I need to just power through this and say what comes to mind without backpedaling. I’m not going to delete this.

I wish I was more social. I wish I could just start a conversation with my friends, send a message or a text without hyper-analyzing every last word and punctuation mark and emoji. So many times I’ve wanted to just send a message to someone, but I second-guess and doubt myself before I’m done typing it out. I hear that voice in the back of my mind saying “Wow, you sound desperate. Don’t say that, they’ll think you’re weird. They’re just going to think you’re annoying if you message them out of the blue. Nobody wants to talk to you.”

I freeze up. I panic. I end up deleting everything, and never bother to contact anyone. I feel like I’m not a good friend because of that. And I feel like crap for even saying that because now the voice is telling me I sound like I’m begging for attention, like I need someone to swoop in and stroke my ego, saying “You’re a great friend, Robert!” But that’s not what I’m trying to do, I just need to let this out. I need to vent somehow because I’ve been bottling it up for years and I’ve only ever really told a select few people in my life.

This feeling comes and goes, I have high points and low points. And I feel like the low points are getting steadily worse and worse. I tense up and get shaky just debating whether to click “like” on a facebook post or a tweet. The voice in my mind screams at me that I’m not worth anyone’s time, that nobody wants to hear from me, that everything I say is stupid. Everything I do is a mistake. That I need to be so much better than I am before anyone can like me.

And the worst part is that I KNOW it’s all bullshit. I know, logically, that none of that is true. My friends value my company. My family enjoys spending time with me. I know, logically, rationally, that is the truth. But right now the voice is yelling “Look how ARROGANT you sound! You’re so CONCEITED to think that they value you. What and EGOTISTICAL PRICK. Looky here, Robert thinks he’s important! WHAT AN ASSHOLE.”

I’m sick of it. I’m tired. I’m so tired. I haven’t been sleeping well and the voice has been getting louder and louder and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it and I feel like I shouldn’t be asking for help. The voice is telling me that it’s selfish of me to throw my problems out for everyone to see and read. That I’m inconsiderate to ask for help. I don’t deserve it. It’s too troublesome. I’m not worth the time.

I hate it. I hate that for every positive thought I struggle to latch onto, the voice has a dozen rebuttals prepared with ease. The voice is always ready with reasons why I’m wrong. I’m like a bumbling defense attorney scouring through notes, trying to find something to clear my name while the prosecutor sits smugly, knowing he has all the evidence in his favor.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just needed to write it out. I just needed to say something without doubting myself and erasing it all. This is one thing the voice won’t take away from me today.

I’m not going to delete this.