#rob stuff

The first thing I’d like to say is: to those of you who supported and talked to me and endured my screaming--thank you, and I’m sorry.  It wasn’t fair of me to subject you to that, and I don’t think it did anything to help either of us.  Thank you for your endless patience and your care.

To everything else: It was a shock to discover that Becca was polyamorous, however initially I was super supportive--after all at this point it was purely hypothetical.  I mean there was no one she was thinking of as a future partner, right? (At this point she didn’t disclose her full feelings, which I can understand, because even coming out as poly is hard enough!)

But as she and another friend of ours continued to communicate more and more I began to wonder if maybe she hadn’t been entirely forthright with me, and though I was scared, I asked anyways--the answer was obviously: Yes, she had fallen in love with this person and was too scared to tell me.  

My reaction surprised me, because I expected to be going “OH NO” but instead I encouraged it, and actually seemed happy about it--if a little jealous of Becca at times, because said mutual friend was dedicating so much time and communication efforts to her--I kind of felt like an afterthought, or a third wheel (not from Becca, mind you) but everything seemed smooth.

I don’t honestly remember when the first breakdown happened, but something went on between the two of them that in my mind “crossed the line” and I lost my shit--and unfortunately that has been my default state for the past little while.

  Whatever happened (and I think I remember what it was) kind of reset my values to 0, and since then has been a struggle to get it back to where I was.  However that’s not to say that it’s all their fault because I also realized around this time that my anxiety had come back with a vengeance, and it brought its deadbeat friend: Depression.

Things had been getting worse between my dad and I, and my work had gotten more stressful as well.  So with this incident everything just kind of fell to pieces.  This where I started reaching out to people because I was miserable.  However I made it more about Becca and her being poly than it should have been.  Though this relationship change definitely changes things, and though some days are way harder than others--I can’t lay all the blame for my meltdowns on them.  My mental illness plays way more of a role than I wanted to admit at first.  I know this because now that I’m back on medication things have significantly improved.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that despite any of the things I may have said, or implied.  I love both of them and want them to be happy, and want to be happy with them.  I’m not sure exactly what form it’s going to take, and it still scares the ever-loving shit out of me sometimes, but I wanted people to hear it from me: I support Becca in discovering herself, and I support her in her new relationship and the expansion of our relationship.  Those exact feelings might change tomorrow, and I might be scared and moody and angry again--but those are my true feelings.  

Bit of a turn on really