#rl issues

So where I live, there are a lot of problems under the surface. I am gonna be transparent with everyone....I am mentally unwell. (Not in the insane way), I suffer some kind of PTSD that affects my body on normal daily activities like leaving the damn house for appointments and such, I just suddenly get severly ill until it is said I won't go anymore. It has been spaculated that it is a different kind of PTSD that I never knew I had since childhood. hence....it never got treated. I suffer anxieties and depression. Now you could say ´find a therapist´, but that is impossible for me. Where I am, I need to be health insured, otherwise I can't get help, and since my Family and I have been in financial struggles recently not seeing a penny for nearly an entire year around 3 to 4 months ago, the insurance literally is not up do date anymore, meaning I am not insured and I am stuck in hell. On top of that I get often pushed around, not on the internet, but in private life. Since my mental state is such a chaos, I am unable to work like a normal human being. I can't get medication and such. The money we get now is mostly used for food, water and taxes, which we are highly in debt with. There is nothing left for me right now to do.

Coming back to the months we got no money, I always had to fear that we won't have electricity, a home, and internet for long anymore, which put my head into more writer's block than anything.

Instead I have been trying to help my Family differently, in becoming a Twitch Streamer and YouTuber, although I am rather small, I am trying my best, with that said I am 4 days not really in working shape for writing, I look for more alternatives, but it is to support my Family. Family comes first. And I'm sorry.

We had so many private life struggles by now that I am just exhausted and have no clue how long we will last with anything. We also siffered a recent break in at my Great Grandpa's old home we planned to move to, but because everyone took their sweet time and my Mama and I are chronically not capable of moving on our own and depend on help, it all just got worse.

Am I still writing? Yes, but barely. There is too much happening that I can't get in the right headspace, nor have the time to write as I usually did.

Do I want to write? YES. If I could I would. But it is not easy. Not right now. It hasn't been easy since 2023.... And I only hope every month it will get better for us again... But so far....it is not gonna look good.

I did not abandon you all, I just....have no time. I want to have the time, but I just have none. Nothing is simple anymore and I need to help where I can to support my RL right now.

I hope ya'll understand. I did not choose this, I am not lazy, I did not ghost everyone....I just have no time at all. I wish I did. I really, really wish I did....

Do I plan to return? Yes. But first I need to be stable financially and mentally, otherwise it all is for nothing....

Recently with all these problems coming at me and my Family...I feel rather useless, because I am unable to function the way normal people do and I can't even do anything about it, since everything, even your own health, depends on money... Sad, but true. You only matter if you are another donkey with cash to bleed out of you for. Otherwise you can rot in a ditch. That is how I feel, because the more I am in this state, the more I see the truth not many want to see. We are just a wallet, nothing else, you do not make money, you get thrown away like garbage. Who cares if you genuinely need help, but thanks to lack of cash you can't afford it?

And the people that are supposed to help you, tell you pretty lies and try to shove you into a "work for free for hours" building, as if you are too dumb to read the fine print on the pages they give you with "suggesting" that you go there to talk to a psychologist. Then when you read the paper there stands that you can only talk with them for a short while and you are mostly just going there to work for at least 3 hours to 8 without getting paid. Then I can sit on my PC too and just edit videos and streams I made. I don't get paid (yet) for that anyways and it takes me weeks to finish them, because editing, cutting, and making shorts out of over SEVEN HOUR STREAMS is not a piece of cake, especially not when you are happy you have 3 days out of 7 free and can just relax and calm down for a bit. Someone with depression who often lack the motivation to even face the next day, that is a huge feat I get anything at all done. 😳

Like, guys, I need a genuine therapist that has time to talk with me and analyze what the hell I have for issues and how to treat them, not a damn "for free working donkey" job. I am busy enough there with my own crap.

And now the weather here is also in the over 30°C to almost 40°C, doesn't help that my room gets hit by the Sun from at least 15 o'clock to all the way to around 20o'clock and all I have is a small ventilator that blows air, not cools it. So my room is a damn blasting furnace every day that I often fall asleep way too early, just because it is too hot. I am not used to such temperatures. 🥵

Anyways, that is the update, some transparency how FUCKED my life is and why I am gone so long. You can say I am on a hiatus that I never planned nor agreed to, but I am forced into it now and I have no clue when it will end, I just know that I WANT it to end. The hiatus. I never agreed to it. 😓😒

This is also not to make you guys feel bad or anything, you all waited forever for me and I wasn't very active these months. A lot of you asked and I finally had the damn time to reply and tell you what is taking me so long. I felt like I owed you this. Closure, knowledge that I am not gone, but my RL is so in the shitpile that I am forced into a hiatus I might never recover from. I will always try to come back, but if the damn world will let me is another thing entirely.