#rkwl

I'm grieving an old friend who I don't believe I have the right to. Blinded by what I thought was love some time ago, I neglected him, I put him last. It's easy to say I don't regret anything because at the time I committed the act it's exactly what I wanted to do. Safely, I am saying that allowing myself to lose him, is my only regret in this lifetime.

See I was not thinking with my own clear mind. The narcissist I thought I was in love with and was trying so desperately hard to please was like a cloud of the most confusing mist to those long 6 months. I wished my friend was still around when the doom of my ordeal struck. But it was too late.

He did warn me, he warned us all that eventually he'd go completely off the grid and become unreachable. He was always built like that, to wither away into seclusion was expected of him. But at the back of my mind, I hoped that I was special enough to him to be able to have access even when he decided to become inaccessible. I would've, had I not turned away from him first.

It would make a total of 3 three times that I left him, and each one he predicted. So for him, 6 times, because he lived it simply in the knowing it was destined to come. Talk about feeling a dread, twice. I guess he eventually made a choice for everyone who would try to get close to him again. He gave us his distance first. How heartbreaking. I missed him dearly.

I didnt deserve to miss him, I think. Where was I when he was missing me, my warmth and cheer that I knew he craved? I was reserving it solely for that energy sucker when I could've saved my darling from this plunge into eternal solitude that he's so foolishly chosen for his life.