━━━━━━━━━━ THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU BUT YOU DON’T KNOW ━━━━━━━━━━ █ OH JINSEOK | RAP + VOCAL 0:06-1:07, 1:37-2:28 YOU DON’T KNOW for NOVAENT █ 1min 52sec audtape
when he calls nova to set up his audition, they're very specific - rap or singing only. no dancing. nothing over the top. they just want to see the vocal skills he could present them with, nothing more and nothing less. jinseok supposes that in this moment, they know what exactly it is they’re looking for. why they’re looking for it is another question he wants answered, but he won’t get that if he fails.
jinseok isn’t really kidding himself, anyway - he would have accepted the terms of the audition even if they wanted him to balance on a fitness ball while juggling and playing the harmonica.
but he’s kind of glad they don’t because he can’t play the harmonica.
regardless, despite all the elated feelings and the joking around, things aren’t completely perfect. not because he isn’t looking forward to the audition, not because he didn’t want to try out for this company - there was a reason nova was once upon a time his first choice, after all. but it still comes with a feeling of dread and disappointment, and a feeling of guilt. hiding behind his smile is the awkward reminder that he should have been doing this with his twin - they were supposed to get into a company together. train together. debut together.
this is what they’ve been planning for years now, and knowing that, jinseok feels like he’s committed some sort of betrayal. like he’s taking a huge step forward while his brother has to hang back and watch him from the sidelines.
the thing about twins is, it seems like his brother knows before he even tells him.
he always seems to read the way jinseok holds his smile differently, if he’s worried about something or feeling a bit more down than he lets on. because even though people think that jinseok is oblivious, he doesn’t quite wear his heart on his sleeve. he’s a lot more secretive than he lets on, and his brother knows that. he knows what jinseok needs without him having to say it.
that night when hyun is still at practice and jinseok is sitting at the kitchen table alone and staring off into space, he sits across from him. “ did you pick a song yet? let’s practice.”
jinseok smiles, but his lip trembles.
all of them are moving forward.
the thing about rap is, if it doesn’t mean something to you then you might as well be simply reciting something dull. in that moment, a rapper practically becomes an actor without a soul. a sun that fizzled out a long time ago. that’s something that jinseok refuses to become, especially in front of the panel in nova - if they really want to see his skill, they have to see the full extent of it. that includes his heart, laid bare and beating for them to read like a bloody storybook.
as much as he may want to, he puts aside the idea of perhaps writing his own song. making a beat, writing the lyrics, and memorizing them in the time span of just two weeks is difficult, and this audition should show off what he can do, not what he struggles with. he doesn’t want to appear foolish and make them think he bit off more than he could chew - for now, at least. the audition isn’t the place for the possibility of a stumble; if jinseok makes it through, he can go above and beyond trying to impress.
that leaves the choice of a song, one that means something to him and one that he knows well enough to perform.
things always come to jinseok when he’s not thinking about them.
no matter how hard he was putting his brain into the process, trying and failing and reaching for lyrics that would work for him, it just wasn’t working. but the moment that jinseok let himself relax, it’s like the choice was set before him on a dinner plate. loco’s you don’t know talks about his heart and all the things he feels for one jung jaewon and maybe, he thinks, that’s why it’s perfect. it’s strange that a song he hasn’t written himself can resonate so strongly within him.
but it’s a song that came to mind while thinking about him.
( and no one has to know. )
the day of the audition does not bring with it anxiety, but instead, excitement. jinseok has never been the type to get a dose of stage fright when eyes have been on him; instead, with attention he thrives. when his foot taps against the floor, waiting for his turn in the audition room it is not out of nerves but rather, anticipation. he wants to be able to show his spark. the practice he put forth with his brother, late hours into the night when they both really should have been sleeping since they had class the next day.
there’s still the sense of guilt that lingers somewhere in his gut, but they are all moving forward. jinseok has learned these past few days that he, too, needs to take steps on his own.
so he wants to make this all worthwhile. just because he’s auditioning without his brother this time, doesn’t mean that he’s losing him. it doesn’t mean that their dream of debut together can’t come true. these thoughts sound off to the beat of you don’t know, because that’s the only song that jinseok has in his head these days.
it even sounds like the receptionist’s voice works with the rhythm when she calls his name. everything for him right now is about the music, about this. everything is about this audition.
he steps into the room and he’s all smiles, just as he always is - but there’s nothing lurking behind it this time, no guilt and no worries. just a wide smile that shows all his teeth, one that doesn’t fall when he dips his head low for a bow. “ thanks for having me today!” his voice is sure, confident and he looks the panel in the eyes when he speaks. “ i’m oh jinseok, and i have something for you - ah, where did it go -” he starts searching inside the jacket that he’s wearing like he’s lost something, an aha moment and then - he pulls out his thumb and his forefinger, shaped into a heart. “ found it ~” he snickers and drops his hands comfortably to his sides, rocking on his feet.
( he hopes he didn’t mistake the quick smile he thought he saw before a second glance showed only carefully schooled neutrality. )
“ when i called for this audition, they told me you wanted to see what i could offer in terms of rap and vocal, so that’s what i’m going to do - kind of glad you didn’t actually ask me to balance on a fitness ball while playing the harmonica because that would have taken a lot of learning.” he pauses with another quick grin. inwardly, jinseok wonders just how many people joke around with the audition panel before they really begin. he decides it doesn’t really matter - after all, this is his personality. he’s always trying to get people to smile. so he just brushes it off, scratches the back of his head and shrugs. “ still would have done it if you asked, though. but since that’s not what you wanted to see, today, i’m here with loco’s you don’t know.”
there are a lot of things important to rap. there’s knowing the lyrics, judging the flow, but jinseok still feels like having heart in the song is what matters most. he thinks about his brother, because that’s who stayed up late with him to work on this audition. he thinks about his parents, and what they’re going to say by the end.
but most of all, he thinks about jaewon, and so he starts off slow.
it begins with a simple melody. singing isn’t necessarily his focus, but jinseok enjoys it - he can carry the tune in clear tones and closed eyes. the thing about this song is that the singing supplements the rap that comes after; it’s not meant to be the focus but rather, an allusion to sweeter yearning and bottled feelings.
난 오늘밤도 너를 떠올려 니가 모르게 니가 모르게 난 지금 이 순간에도 어김없이 너를 떠올려 니가 모르게 니가 모르게
he doesn’t show any doubt, because these are his real feelings all wrapped up in a song that’s almost meant for him to sing - to rap. and rap is where he really shines, eyes open now and looking at the panel. it’s like this song is for them rather than who it’s really meant for, because that’s something that they’ll never have to know.
오늘도 조용하게 말하지 닿을 수 있다면 오늘도 조용하게 말하지 닿을 수 있다면 어쩔 수 없다는 상황 탓을 하며 괜히 상상해 보는 너와 마주치는 장면 그래 다시 볼 수 있겠지 널 언젠가는 매일 너의 사진들을 확인하는 나와는 다르게 애써 무관심한 척 보낸 말들 더는 아무것도 모른 채 살고 있겠지 노래를 듣게 되도 그냥 지나치겠지 용기를 내고 싶어 마셨던 술 때문에 잃었던 기억 서롤 붙잡고 쳤던 춤 더 빠져들기 싫어서 멈췄던 대화 넌 지금쯤 어떤 상대와 또 인연을 맺고 있을 수도 있어 이기적이지만 그 인연은 아니길 난 빌어
the first verse comes off smooth, natural. he’s practiced it enough to chant it in his sleep, and even though this is loco’s song, jinseok - with his own charm, with his own way, is making it his own. it shows in the way he points at the judges when a line in english comes in the form of lines sung, every time a you is spoken and a one, two, three -
생각했었지 미련을 갖기엔 인생은 너무 짧다고 그런 말을 하기엔 난 아직 어린가 봐 너의 말 한마디에 아무것도 하지 못하고 있는 나를 알기에 걷어내고 싶어 네 마음에 모든 벽 궁금해 그 벽장 속에 모든 것 조금이라도 내가 담겨있을 까 아니면 다른 누군가로 가득 차 있을까 분명히 언젠가는 잊혀지겠지 시간은 가고 이 노래가 남겨지겠지 이 감정을 버리고 싶지 않아서 난 끄적였던 가사들을 이 곳에 다 담았어 넌 지금 나의 모든 것을 벌거벗겨 그래도 난 부끄럽지 않아 당당하게 서있어 하지만 넌 아무것도 보지 못해 지금도 너를 떠올리네 네가 모르게 yeah
he finishes off strong, the second verse punctuated with an english ending. this verse was trickier than the first, with different ways to work his tone and his lyrics - it’s almost like telling a story of hesitation, worry, with different stops and falling tones on certain syllables. but jinseok did his best to convey, and he thinks that he succeeded - he did everything as he practiced those long hours into the night when he should have been sleeping for school.
so with nothing left to give but a smile, jinseok finds himself satisfied. no matter how this turns out, he knows he gave them what he could offer. there would be no regrets.
still, like a normal person, there is hope. there’s a wish deep inside him that the judges can smile for him, too.
