âit would be a lie to say i never think about her. i donât regret ever falling in love with her, and iâm not in pain anymore. but my romantic feelings for her are gone and they will not come back. i do wish her happiness, though. it doesnât mean i donât care about her at all.â
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being surrounded by thousands upon thousands of books had always been relaxing to kang joon, although most people didnât know that fact about him. he didnât seemed like the intellectual type, and honestly his grades had never been the best. when he wasnât fighting, he had been hanging around his friends during his school life. nonetheless books had a calming effect to him. that was probably why he had worked at elysion, the book cafe before (and because of the piano he was allowed to play).Â
during one of his rare free days from training, he somehow felt like visiting a huge bookstore and walked through the tall shelves, while running over the spine of books with his hand. his gaze quickly made out a piano. the tall male curiously shuffled closer. colourful plates made of stone were put together in artistic patterns and covered the whole instrument. the piano seemed to be a exhibit, but a note stated customers were welcome to play it.Â
so the royal trainee sat down, after pulling his hood deep into his face. stretching his long fingers a bit, he gently touched the black and white keys. everytime he got to play a different piano his heart begun to flutter out of excitement. closing his amber coloured eyes, he finally started to play a beautiful, yet sad melody  for others to enjoy.Â
heâs upset. there really isnât much to it; jaehyunâs deflated and as much as heâs trying to look at this as positively as possible, he canât. for some reason heâs embarrassed as well and angry and confused ââ heâs feeling too many things. and he doesnât like it. not one bit.
the results come a little expected, or maybe ââ not really. because a part of jaehyun had hoped that heâd get the modelling offer; had seen it as some sort of alternative path for him to take that didnât have him forcing paper work down his throat for the rest of his life.Â
so he does what heâs best at (and it isnât modelling, clearly) and pulls out a cigarette from his box. heâs not in plain sight, a little further away from the crowd behind him, before he lights the cigarette up and begins to puff. heâs somewhat sure that yerin probably wouldnât be here until a while anyway (and itâs not like this little act of his is a secret from her).
itâs a terrible habit, one he needs to get rid off but itâs the only thing he can think of thatâll keep him sane enough for now. he doesnât like feeling like this ââ so instead he feeds himself nicotine; just enough to pour out the heaviness in his chest.
jinyoung still remembered the salty air, the sand between his toes, yerin twirling around with her wet hair sending drops of water all over him. both laughing, seemingly worriless as they left all of their responsibilities back to the busy and suffocating city of seoul. more often than not, he felt like he did not belong over there, that becoming someone was far too strenuous. but his dreams, they were vivid. so vivid he could almost touch them if he could only stretch out just a little bit more... they were being shaped up as years went by, getting closer and closer to his goal every day. this was the reason why he pulled through exhaustion and financial difficulties, with the hopes that this would one day all be behind him.
but then they left busan and yerin stopped texting. stopped calling. jinyoung tried to distract himself with school, spending ridiculous amount of time in the theater of the library, wishing he would be able to catch a glimpse of her. but without the intent of meeting up, their departments were on opposite sides of the campus and the chances of seeing her were close to none. he knew she had family issues. he never had to go through his parents' divorce, could only imagine what it felt like. yet he'd been by her side all summer despite of it, satisfying himself with the few days they could spend together.
but he wanted more.
was it selfish? he was already dumped once before, yet as painful as it was, at least she dropped the news quickly. yerin's absence was getting heavier by the day and all jinyoung could think about was that she was slowly but surely distancing herself. to spare his feelings, maybe. he did try texting her to ask if this was her way of breaking up with him, but couldn't bring himself to. it felt... final. so he kept sending lame messages asking if things were okay on her side, if she needed anything. he became that person hanging onto a dead relationship. something he never thought possible, but only proved one thing: he loved her. he was in love with her and it hurt. it hurt because he could feel it slipping further away by the minute.
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ÂŤ WAITING HERE FOR EVERMORE Âť
hongdae talent show
performing evermore by hwang man-ik
[00:50 - 01:50 / 02:11 - 03:11]
he'd been convinced by people in his class. as ambitious as jinyoung was, he did not necessarily wish to become famous by using any means. a talent show was exactly the type of lengths he wasn't willing to go to, except the boys had been pestering him for so long that he gave in just to make them stop. his friends were not all drama students, they actually came from various departments and came to know each other over the years through mutual acquaintances and parties, so everyone expected him to perform a scene from whichever play he was currently starring in.
that's also what jinyoung thought, until he changed his mind. all this stuff happening with yerin left him in the worst of moods, barely eating anything let alone sleeping. no matter how much he tried to distract himself, he simply couldn't get her out of his head and this affected even his acting. the scene he practiced was much too out of character for him to perform well under these conditions, and this was when the obsession came about.
a movie, but more specifically, a song. the movie he watched on his first official date with yerin after months of 'what-ifs', followed by their very first kiss. as much as beauty and the beast used to draw a nostalgic smile out of him, it now burned his heart to ashes. perhaps he needed closure. it was still related to acting after all, he did musicals before - they were not his favorites- and evermore was an emotional song which translated his current feelings perfectly.
he walked on stage with a great nervousness and a single red rose in his hand, carefully hidden behind a peaceful expression as he stood in the center, right next to the lee jonghyuk who asked him a couple questions like his name, where he's from and his occupation, all of which jinyoung answered with absolute calm. he told a little bit about the song he chose and how it spoke of  an experience he recently went through. after learning the title, lee jonghyuk nodded knowingly with a small "a girl, yes. i think a lot of people might relate to this." after an exchange of polite greetings, the first notes of the soundtrack were heard and jinyoung hold onto his mic like his life depended on it.
I'll never shake away the pain
I close my eyes but she's still there
I let her steal into my melancholy heart
It's more than I can bear
he starts with his eyes open and his expression solemn, closing his eyes as soon as it says so in the lyrics. he sees yerin's smile, them walking hand in hand on the beach, the night they shared their first kiss. he can feel their love growing all over again inside him and it hurts. it hurts, but it also feels good at the same time.
Now I know she'll never leave me
Even as she runs away
She will still torment me
Calm me, hurt me
Move me, come what may
Wasting in my lonely tower
Waiting by an open door
I'll fool myself, she'll walk right in
And be with me for evermore
unlike the beast, jinyoung has no idea why his belle ran away. she's out of reach with no explanation, never gave him any warning that he might lose her. but as ridiculous as it sounds, she's not gone. she's still very much alive inside him, tearing him apart and leaving him completely defenseless. how can he fight against something he would never want to hurt? if he's to live like this forever, then so be it. he wants to cherish their memories, cherish her. he might grow to think differently over time but right now, as he sings those words, he's determined to keep her forever.
Now I know she'll never leave me
Even as she fades from view
She will still inspire me
Be a part of everything I do
Wasting in my lonely tower
Waiting by an open door
I'll fool myself, she'll walk right in
And as the long, long nights begin
I'll think of all that might have been
he takes a deep breath before the last chorus, aware that this is where the notes get trickier. it requires technique that he might not yet possess but he hopes that his emotion will make up for it and be felt by the audience. there are tears in his eyes as he walks to the front of the stage, throwing the rose he's been holding towards the girl he was locked eyes with. she could be anyone, but right now she represents yerin and he gives her a brief smile before slowly returning to his spot. there are tears forming in his eyes as he belts out the last few words.
jinyoung fell back on top of the large pile of clothes laying on his bed. he spent the last hour rummaging through his clothes hoping to find a nice outfit for his date but as usual, he was held back by high standards he forced on himself. there was nothing he hated more than going out and not looking neat and proper. jinyoung always thought that just because he came from working class parents didn't mean he had to look the part. he always acted above his social status, hoping it would eventually lead him towards higher ranks of society. perhaps that habit came from an inferiority complex. he had to work harder, be better than everyone else just to get equal opportunities.
he settled on an outfit despite not being one hundred percent satisfied, wondering if yerin would find him handsome. if he could pull a smile out of her, that alone would be enough to make his day. it would be the first time they officially went on since december. a lot had changed since then, except his feelings for her. jinyoung couldn't tell exactly what they were. they only kissed once and didn't speak for months after that. the butterflies and excitement of beginnings didn't have a chance to grow and just as he thought he could start dating again, yerin came rushing back into his life. that was when he realized that their story was far from over.
he left about twenty minutes earlier than the amount of time it would take him to get to yeouido. punctuality was important to him. especially for to meet someone like baek yerin. he stood at the spot they agreed upon over text since he had to hang up before they could talk about it. on his way, he came across a flower stand and bought one, holding it tightly in his hand while he waited for the young woman. as clichĂŠ as it sounded, he wanted to make her feel special.
lips stretched into a gentle smile when he finally saw her. "hi."
â YEOUIDO FLOWER FESTIVAL Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
I Need You by Huh Gak & Zia
Performed by Park Jinyoung & Baek Yerin
he's been in a few musicals before but never sang in front of a crowd as park jinyoung. it's stressful beyond imagination. the second he steps on stage, he feels exposed and vulnerable. a lot of eyes are on them, gazes piercing through him as if everyone is able to tell just how fast his heart is beating. he's usually confident in his element. hiding behind a character became easy for him. but there's nowhere to hide right now. he shoots a glance at yerin who's like a fish swimming in water, or so she looks. she might be nervous but jinyoung doesn't notice. he envies her calmness and experience with singing. why did he ever suggest they sing a duet?
but the more he looks at her and the more at ease he feels. he remembers why he wanted to do this. he was caught off guard by an impulse as they passed by this stage last time, asking yerin if she would like to do this with him sometime. it turned into an actual project very quickly. he suspects it's because they both like to spend time together, or at least that's how it is on his side. how he'd like to read her mind... but the idea itself is scary. what if he's disappointed by what her thoughts of him?
they both keep a safe distance, it's what they agreed upon. the lyrics speak of growing feelings of love and of a certain restraint in the way the two lovers still act around each other. it reminds him of this past fall and all things unsaid, feelings left unexplored. perhaps with the arrival of spring, their romance can finally bloom and florish into something beautiful. he looks at yerin and smiles. he would like that, but there's no need to rush anything.
the instrumental starts and jinyoung inhales sharply, trying to talk himself into letting go and appreciating the moment. it's no easy feat for him, who always puts too much pressure on his shoulders. they're doing this for fun. there's no end goal other than enjoy themselves. yerin sings her first notes and he's taken aback by her voice. he's heard it. he knows how good she is but it's different here, on this very stage. her voice sounds a lot softer than usual. he thinks he would never be able to do that. to adapt so easily to his partner and allow them to blend with each other so beautifully. he has a lot to learn still.
Is the word Love still not enough for you?
Is my heart too dangerous?
You have become my everything
the song is not about belting out notes. it's all about sweetness and the first hints of love between two people. they're supposed to act out these feelings, make it look believable to the audience. but as he renders his first line, jinyoung realizes that whatever he's supposed to be acting is unnecessary. everything he needs is right there. eyes fixated on yerin, he soon feels his heart racing and this time it's not because he's performing in front of dozens of people. it's because he's scared she's able to tell that he's being sincere.
when the chorus hits, all he can focus on are their harmonies. his voice is naturally soft yet thick and quite frankly, he can only thank yerin if they sound so good. he wouldn't know how to modulate it as well as she does.
I keep staring at my phone thatâs not even ringing
You are a feel-good excitement to me
january. that's what comes to mind as he sings those lines. he can't recall just how many times he stared expectedly at his phone, wondering if she would contact him. wondering if he should. ever since they met again, he never has to wait anymore.
Please take one step toward me
their eyes meet at the very moment they say those words and jinyoung moves towards her. just one step as the song dictates, which he later sees brought smile to the people who noticed.
If you like me too, come closer to me
I need you
he unconsciously moves even closer and soon there's no more distance between them. he feels his hand brushing against yerin's. his index locks with hers and before he knows it, they're holding hands. in fact, he doesn't realize until the very last notes are heard. they greet the audience one last time and both walk off stage. jinyoung feels lighter now that it's over. he turns to congratulate yerin, see if there's the same sense of accomplishment visible in her eyes. instead his gaze lowers and he finds out they're still holding hands. he doesn't wanna let go.