#rit1

everything is different. I don’t know if it’s good. I’ve been doubting myself a lot lately. my skills as an artist, who I am, the things I say, all of the decisions I’ve made for myself.

but everything is just SO different.

I was up all night doing homework, and it was around 6:30 this morning when I finished, so I smoked a bowl and listened to hozier and enjoyed the sunrise. and then I started thinking about home. All of those hot summer days in a house without air conditioning. Leaving my window open 24/7, and listening to the crickets in the evening. all of those mornings I spent on the front porch with my dad, sharing a bowl and enjoying the quiet before everyone got up. being constantly sunburned, going to swim practice, days at the pool, sunny everyday, all of it.

I know I’m probably never going to get to have that again. Part of me is so happy that I’m out of my parents house. It wasn’t healthy. Living with a drug addict and alcoholic, living in a home full of abuse, isn’t healthy. Being there isn’t healthy. But there’s part of me that misses it. Maybe it’s because things here are getting hard and I don’t know how to handle it. I kinda miss my old life. I was pretty comfortable in my surroundings, I had people, things were okay enough.

Now I honestly just feel alone. maybe it’s because I’m in a city I still don’t know my way around, or because i haven’t been here very long, or I feel like I keep fucking things up with my friends. I feel trapped. I feel like there’s no escape and all I want to be able to do is get out.