13.38 -
Cal: ā¢raises handā¢
Charlie: Yes Cal?
Cal: I have some information. Itās my brother, he canāt dance.
Ethan: Thank you Cal, thatās sensitive as always.
Cal: Youāre welcome.

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13.38 -
Cal: ā¢raises handā¢
Charlie: Yes Cal?
Cal: I have some information. Itās my brother, he canāt dance.
Ethan: Thank you Cal, thatās sensitive as always.
Cal: Youāre welcome.

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Cal Fic: As I Lay Dying...
Itās funny the things that go through your head as youāre dying.
The finality of it hits Cal and he feels a sudden realisation of complete clarity. So this is what itās like mixed with the roaring screaming of nerve endings and his heart stuttering and fluttering in his chest as he feels himself choking on his own blood. He hadnāt seen this coming. He honestly hadnāt.
Heād spent much of his 33 years wondering if people knew on the day they died, if on some level they felt something different, something afoot. Ellisonās boots disappear and Cal lies in a puddle of rainwater and his own disappearing blood. He tries to think. No they donāt know. He didnāt. Nothing amiss today. Your regular Thursday shift work, no evidence jumped out at him proclaiming this would be his last day on earth. He knows it is though. He can feel it in each laboured breath, in the copper on his tounge, sliding down his throat. His chest rattles. Pneumothorax. Heās pretty sure the knife pierced his lung, if not the first time then definitely the second.
āPlease donāt let Ethan find meā he thinks. āPleaseā. āOh Ethan. Iām so sorryā he thinks. āIām so sorry I canāt be here to look after you Nibbles, forgive me.ā
And suddenly he lets himself shake and give into the pain because itās more than heās felt in his whole life and he knows heās in shock and doesnāt even know the worst of it. Itās heroic he supposes. Could have been a worse death, but heās suddenly very aware heās never going to turn 34. Never going to tease his brother again, never treat another patient, drink another pint, see another sunrise. This is it for Caleb Knight. Oh god this is it. And Ethanā¦oh poor Ethan, heās going to be left all alone, and what about when he gets ill? What about then, who looks out for him then?
Cal tries as hard as he can to roll himself over but everythingās starting to go dark now, the edge of his vision begins to fade. He tries to think of the last thing he said to Ethan, right before he sent him off to Alicia, was it something memorable? Or something stupid? Itās disappearing, everythingās disappearing.
He wishes he wasnāt alone. Wishes his brother was with him right now and itās selfish and itās pathetic maybe but Cal needs him more than heās ever needed anyone in his life and he wants his brother. His phone lies opposite and where heās lying he can see it swallowed up by rainy puddles in the night. It lights up green. āEthanā.
Cal canāt make his arm move, he canāt make anything move. He wills it, tries so hard but heās lost too much blood, too much time. The hospital looks so different from down here he thinks. And then heās back with his mom, pushing Ethanās buggy over the hill by their house, āsing to him Caleb, sing to your brotherā¦ā and heās holding Matilda, heās rocking her, kissing her sweet baby forehead, under her chin and making her smile. He can feel the wind in his hair as he holds Emilie as she dies overlooking the beach, āand Cal and I will be doddery old men by then, Calās on his fourth wifeā¦but we come back every year and we look out at the sea and we say āhereās to you mumā. Then Ethan, Ethan at 2, Ethan at 15 all silly horn rimmed glasses and stammer, āleave me alone Calebā, Ethan at 22 in med school, Ethan angry āwhat are you doing here?ā āIām the locumā, Ethan hurt āwho looks out for me Calebā, Ethan punching him āitās about you Cal, itās always about you.ā Ethan fighting for him ānobody touches my brotherā¦ā Rock paper scissors, and Ethanās stupid decision to always go with scissors. The look in his little brotherās eyes when he fixes you with that gaze āiām always going to look at you and think āyeah thatās my brotherā. āYeah and youāve got me for life Nibblesā.
He has, he always will.
A tear makes its way down Calās cheek. Ok. He thinks. Ok Caleb.
Heās not a religious man. He doesnāt know if thereās anything else out there. Heās a realist, a cynic even and heās not making it here. Heās a doctor too and that part knows the grevious nature of the wounds. He feels his life leaving him. Suddenly thereās movement and the sky that was beginning to be swallowed up in black gives way to blurry shapes. Someone is shouting, moving, itās blurry, just shapes and blur but he likes to think itās Ethan. Ethan coming to hold him.
āItās ok Nibblesā he tries to say but nothing comes out but a garbled moan and what he imagines to be a fair amount of blood. āItās ok, Iām ok.ā Someone grabs his hand. Someone holds it in their own, there are hands on him, the blurs stretch in and out, infinite and colourful even in their fade and Cal thinks itās almost the most beautiful thing heās ever seen. Maybe itās Ethan, maybe itās Emilie or his Mom, but they are beautiful and as his eyes close for the final time he has one thought on his mind. āMy safety netās hereā.
Charlie keeps pressure on the horrific mess that is Calās chest, next to him Connieās on her knees in the rain both of them frantic, staring at the young man in horror bleeding out before them.
āKeep those eyes open Calā Charlie shouts, ācome on Cal stay with usā.
Calās too far gone though, he looks up at Charlie like heās not seeing him, or seeing someone else and when his eyes close thereās a ghost of a smile on his face as his chest stops moving. Charlieās seen it all working at Holby heās lost people young and old, brutally, and slowly. This one feels the most wrong.
Somewhere nearby in a puddle Calās phone is ringing. Charlie can just make out the word āNibblesā on the screen.
Connie runs to get help. Charlie does the only thing he can do. He holds Calās hand and sits with him in the rain.
One more episode of their relationship. Not enough rage icons in the world for me to sum up my feelings on this.
Predictions -
Ethan doing a speech at the funeral, I can see him being angry that Cal died protecting him as well as guilty as hell. Heāll probably rage a bit at Cal making everything āall about himā purely because heās so unbelievably sad. Heāll probably mention the Nibbles nickname.
Those balloons will be some sort of Cal memorial thing with everyone writing their attempts to ābe more Calā on a balloon and letting them go.
Charlie will give Ethan some sage advice about how he needs to āsay goodbyeā from the promo when he struggles to go to the funeral and face it.
Ethan pushing Alicia away probably saying something along the lines of āI wasnāt with him when he was dying, he died alone because I was with you...ā
The rest of the team spending approximately one episode sad before moving on to inane other dramas.
Upset, on the edge Ethan. Who will probably do the whole āI need to be back at work to distract meā even though itās too soon,staring at Calās locker, at where Cal died and at his Cal tattoo.
A sad voicemail that Ethan will listen to probably after Calās died from Cal warning him about Roy Ellisonās son.
Will we get a new trailer after Cal dies?
We've seen nearly all the scenes then. Big question I suppose is will I be able to still see the screen and the trailer through the torrent of my bitter devastated bro loving tears?