#rip dave

Bruce: Yes?

Kidnapper: We have your son.

Bruce: *counting his children, and puts his phone on speaker* Uh what?

Kidnapper: The mean sassy one! He called us all fruitloops, he made fun of my tattoos, and he made Dave cry!

Dave: He made fun of my teeth. Its not my fault I can't afford a dentist! Healthcare is expensive!

Danny: Yeah well it smells like you also can't afford toothpaste either!

Dave: *sobs* Stop!

Kidnapper: Please, just come get him! We don't even want money anymore!

Danny: If you don't give them the money they want, at least bring a tube of toothpaste, maybe some toothbrushes, and some mouth wash if possible!

Dave: Pleeeheese take him away!*sobs harder*

Bruce: I'm sorry(?) to tell you, but thats not my son, all my son's are at the table with me.

Kidnapper: So we went through this for nothing?!

Danny: HA! Morons!

Kidnapper: Stop it! Can you take him anyway? Please, we just want him gone!

Bruce: Can't you just untie him and let him go?

Kidnapper: We did! He just sat back down and continued roasting us! And we can't just leave him here!

Danny: *snorts* Yeah, because this is Travis' mom's storage unit. By the way Travis, your mom was hot when she was in her twenties.

Travis: Shut up! And stop looking through my mom's photo albums!

Danny: Dang, your dad was hot too! How can you have two hot parents and still look like Chuck e Cheese got hit by a thirteen wheeler?

Kidnapper: Please? You don't even have to come yourself, just send Batman. Please?

Bruce: I'll...see what I can do?

Kidnapper: Oh thank you! Thank you so much!

Travis: Is he coming to get him?

Kidnapper: No he's sending Batman!

Dave: I don't care if we get beaten up! Anything is better than being tormented by this guy!

Danny: Cool tell Batman to pick me up some Tacos on his way over.

Kidnapper: *hangs up*

Bruce: Tell me I'm not the only one that heard all that.

Steph: *doubled over weezing* Can-Can he keep him?

Jason: *cackling* I'm with Steph on this one!

Dick: I don't know, he sounded super cute.

Tim: So we going to go save them or not?

Bruce: *sighs* Let's go.

Tim: Are we getting him Tacos-

scopOphilic_micromessaging_1653 - scopOphilic1997 presents its micro-messaging series: small, subtle, and often unintentional messages we send and receive verbally and non-verbally. (2026)

Made some messy doodles for romance day (tm). Hope y'all have a good day today.

We are saddened to announce the untimely passing of Dave from HR. Grief counselors or one person with a dodgy certificate will be here if you need someone to talk to. While we can’t confirm any details they haven’t even found the body yet we can confidently say that he died doing what he loved—being a vaguely creepy asshole who slacked off at work making Abstergo Industries the best place to work in North America.

We will be collecting funds for flowers and a card to be sent to his parents for the funeral. If you have any positive memories of Dave, let us know so we can add it to the card. Doubt that.

And, to answer the most pressing question—his cats are just fine. Apollo, Starbuck, and Boomer have all been adopted by our very own Intern Clay! He has promised to give us pictures and updates as he gets them settled and…train them in the Brotherhood? Must be a cat person thing.

(Also, obviously, this week’s sensitivity training has been cancelled in light of Dave’s passing and because we can’t get a hold of the outside speaker.)

- Bree from HR

Good riddance. He was a dick.

- Intern Jaxon

Agreed. Also, very cheap. I offered to sell him “spicy” videos of two of my friends yeah, you know which ones and he REALLY tried to underpay. Look, if I’m going to sell you those vids, you better pay me enough so I can get the hell out of here before they find out and decide test their new shock blades on me.

Anyway, the cats are doing great. If anyone can think of names for them that aren’t from Battlestar Galactica let me know. They’ve already been inducted as novices in the Brotherhood and I’m making them little Levantine-era robes. Apollo is so good at his leap of faith.

De La Soul - Breakadawn (Buhloone Mindstate , 1993)