#rigorous honesty

The man who is now my partner and I were talking one night.  It was probably our third date or so (late March 2014).  And I gave him a very important heads up.  

“I just... I want you to know, that no matter how important this thing between us becomes, you will never be the most important thing in my life.  My recovery and sobriety will always have to come first.”  

He looked at me, but I don’t think he was particularly surprised.  I had talked about the importance of not having dates during times I needed to be at a meeting.  

I continued: “I act like a horribly person when I am not sober.  I am not a horrible human being, but when I am not sober I don’t care what I have to do to drink, drug, or act out.  I will do it, and eventually deal with awful consequences for it.  So I will always put my recovery first.  I will always prioritize my need to attend a meeting, or make a phone call to my sponsor, or leave an event we’re attending together if I feel unsafe and want to drink.  You seem to like me the way I am now, and the best way I can stay being this kind, funny, sassy, compassionate human being is by staying sober.”  

My partner really appreciated my honesty that day.  And now he really has become number two in my priorities.  And he knows this very well.  And sometimes he asks the important questions when I’m struggling - like, “Would this be a good time to call your sponsor?”  Just like I ask him, “Do you need alone time right?”  

Twelve Step programs are, as the book Alcoholics Anonymous says, a program of ‘rigorous honesty.’  

Self-delusion, and other fatal habits

Addiction and self-delusion are inevitable partners. We adjust our thinking and beliefs as required to justify and protect our drugs of choice, whether they’re chemicals, sex or other addictions such as gambling, shopping and so forth. We rationalize our behavior, and become defensive whenever anyone “calls us on our shit.” We avoid confrontation any way we can, by lies, deception, sneaking…

The impeccable warrior employs rigorous honesty to seek truth. Rigorous honesty means actively seeking out the motives underneath your choices and behaviors. It means knowing and owning your agenda. This is the essence of truth seeking. ==Marty Wilde