#rightintheface

I'm sorry for what I said in October, none of it was accurate or true. I would say something about the paranoia I never realized I had until recently but it just feels like an excuse.

You've never been anything less than a great friend. I'm sorry I haven't seen or appreciated that in a long time. I'm sorry I made you feel like you haven't been. I'm sorry I lost valuable time with you because of it. I'm sorry that I've hurt the both of us because I can't check my impulsivity. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt us because I have checked my impusles because of pride or anxiety. I'm sorry that my trust issues fuck things up, I should know you love and care about me by now. There shouldn't be a doubt about it. I'm sorry I made you feel like you ever had anything to apologize for to begin with. You deserve better from me. I'm sorry that you've always deserved better from me.

I miss your voice and I really fucking miss your hugs. I'm desperately wishing for a day when you can finally kick your feet back without a lingering fear or anxiety stirring in the back of your mind. I so fucking hope you can find some peace this year. And I really fucking desperately hope we can make things better than ever between us this year, and I'm sorry I've tried to force that matter for so long.

I don't know how to handle things from here, I haven't known for years. I'm afraid to just let go of the steering wheel and allow things to play out as they will. I'm afraid of time stealing our friendship away. I'm afraid that you're going to crash soon and burn out completely.

Everytime we get to talk, everytime we actually get to see each other, every single moment we get to share is always the highlight of my day, month, and year. You're the best part of my life. You have been since I was 17, and I think you always will be. I wouldn't trade your presence in my life for anything.

Most importantly. You're inspiring as fuck. Like holy shit dude, you kick so much ass. Write an autobiography one day please, because Lord knows I can't tell your story and I have no business trying to anyway.

And finally. Ignore this post. I'm going to forget to take it down. Just read it and ignore it. I'm fine. You're going to be fine soon. We'll both be fine soon enough. This is just the collection of things I've been wanting to say but could never find the opportunity, or courage, I guess, to.