#rideforaids

After biking #200miles #centurion #rideforaids #rfac #tpan #notcute #beard is looking great though. #beards #tiredaf @iamspecialized_road Allez carried me far! Thank you for all that donated to the charity TPAN Test Positive Awareness Network. #gay

*trigger warning* I have a rough history with my body. I was severely sexually abused before the age of 5 and was conditioned to view it's purpose as solely for others' enjoyment and consumption. I have ptsd and still hold a lot of trauma, physically. The abuse still impacts how I see myself and my capacity for healthy relationships. But mostly, I've been trying to get away from my body. Finding my authentic gender expression was a lesser priority for me, most of my life, and I still go to trauma counseling on a weekly basis. Flashbacks don't play. Last year, I connected with my body for the first time through backpacking and training for endurance hiking. Like, 20 mile day hikes and hours of stairs. For months. I learned new skills, went to classes, and studied all there is to know about backpacking through the Pacific Northwest. I started to feel able and more in touch with my body. I began to rely on and connect with my body for the first time in my life. I developed calluses on my hips and shoulders and felt wonderfully sore after workouts. I started to value it's abilities and potential. Backpacking after that much training was a fucking cake walk. I was shocked and had the most amazing experience of my life. I'm so grateful for my body, now, and want to take care of it. I wasn't expecting this profound of an experience but recognize that that definitely was the catalyst for my current transition. I remember unexpectedly bawling when we crossed back into Illinois. That trip changed me. My body and I were starting to communicate and I was falling in love with it. Ive been dealing with a lot of depression this winter and started going to the gym in mid December. I didn't start working out again 'cause testosterone is making me act differently and have heard that assumption from a few folks. It's way deeper than that and kinda invalidates this internal experience for me. I'm not going to sit on a couch and get ripped cause I'm on testosterone as much as any cis dude could. I'm pushing my body. I quit smoking two months ago...after wearing the patch for a year while only smoking after I got off work. Shit got real and feeling wayyy more able with working lungs, again. I was thinking about doing the AT, John Muir trail, or River to River in sections when I went to this fund raising event for Ride for AIDS, Sunday, and met a guy who was talking about why he rides. He tells me he does it because he was physically abused when he was a kid and thought of himself as less than a punching bag, growing up. I had a sinking feeling of "fuuucck. I'm gonna do this, aren't I?" and relied on one of my besties who was there to talk me out of it...She did a horrible job. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be riding 200 miles in mid July, mid transition. By pretty sure, I mean I'm in the process of securing a roadbike, researching prep for ultra distance rides, have started training, and giving up crossaintwiches (I KNOW.) I keep gravitating towards hobbies in which I lose toe nails. So, here I go! It'll be amazing to connect with my body while transitioning in this way but it's going to be much bigger than that for me.