#riavar

art © Catherine Ball (Aristora)

OPEN FILE: APOTHECARY QUARTERS - PERSONAL LOG BEGIN AUDIO PLAYBACK Personal notes for self-development purposes. Mostly to do with situations, phrases and what I am taking them to mean, and things I haven’t entirely worked out yet for some reason. Being Too Hard On Myself People say this to me all the time and I honestly do not understand it. As far as I can understand from an intellectual standpoint, it seems to mean that I should not shoot for perfection in all things, or at least not be displeased with myself to any great degree if I don’t achieve it. I … still can’t entirely work that one out. I want to be the best I can and get things done when people ask them of me, and I do not like it when I for some reason cannot. That seems fairly standard. I’m relatively sure that there is something else about this that I’m missing, and I suspect that it has something to do with workload, but most of the time it eludes me. It seems like I should be pointing out that not two months ago, I slept once every few days at best and subsisted entirely on ration bars because to do otherwise would take time best reserved for getting something useful done. ...Sometimes I still feel rather guilty about not doing that anymore. I may be making people’s points for them. Not that I have told anyone. Go Big Or Go Home This seems to be the motto by which the majority of my family and friends live. Alti with ten tonnes of cookery supplies. Aurrin - and the rest of them - with ‘Mini-Medic’s Miracle Meals Bistro’. (I still do not nerfing believe they let Mychae name the place. The woman has a gift for alliteration but it’s ridiculous and also false advertising. No matter what Mae says about my roast gorak bird or Alti about my Adegan eel pie … for which she apparently intends to blow up every rancor in the galaxy if that is what it takes to ensure I have the appropriate ingredients for it.) And, on a less … pleasant note … Sedryn. I understand his reasons; I do! It just … still hurts. He says he was going to tell me, and he was … but I wonder if he realises what it’s like to feel his emotional output and hear his voice coming from a stranger. I suppose not … although I imagine being confronted with me at the moment is close enough. And to find out about his return that way … because a Force-pattern I didn’t recognise gave off a fraternal-ish concern that I did … I’m already confused enough without that. And I’m no different, in my own low-key way. ...If one can be low-key about going big or going home. So far only three people apart from me know about my unsanctioned trip to Ord Mantell, and two of them were the ones who came to drag me home. It strikes me as ironic that I only went to Carrick with the supply sergeant to get a change of scenery as constantly recommended by my colleagues and friends in hopes that it would give me time to settle myself, only to be shaken yet more. I had just barely regained some mental equilibrium over the situation with Sam - had even taken some steps to ensure that I would not be the sole bearer of responsibility for her (not that I do not like her, but a memory-wiped sentient, droid or not, is not someone with whom I should be overly involved until I have a few of my own issues resolved) - and then Book. I don’t blame her. She wasn’t to know. But I couldn’t go back to the Rest with … I’m trying not to think about it. Garr as my former master? I shudder to think what I learned from that sadist. And then being informed that, while Proteus is dead, the knowledge that I am capable of counteracting his serum and, by association, likely able to counteract a fair amount of Sith alchemy … I suppose I should just be grateful that they do not know about the Aegis, or the vaccine. But if they did… In any case, I do not know what I was thinking but I surmise that a large part of it had to do with Gesh. Solitary research somewhere far away from anyone, so that I would not be caught, pressured, distracted or used; that was the ideal. But … if I had to run, if that was not something I could make myself not do … I could at least go somewhere of my choosing. The fact that I chose to help people, to use my talents and skills for the betterment of others … I suppose that says something. For some reason, healing others settles my head somewhat. So I went to a war zone; the first war zone that came to mind. I didn’t think Rilus would go back there - not for me. I underestimated him. And on the subject of ‘go big or go home’ … Aurrin came up with an interesting suggestion as regards dealing with the fragments of Moyval Gesh that still cause me so much trouble - more and more all the time, given that I do occasionally lapse into very old Sith when I don’t pay attention to what I’m saying. I explained the need to ensure the redemption of those fragment-aspects before I attempt a full integration of them with myself. Rilus doesn’t like the idea because he’s concerned that I will change with these other aspects of personality actively integrated with my own … but at this point, I don’t have a great deal of choice. Fighting against not-so-random attacks from these shreds of construct on my own psyche on top of the cracks forming in the walls between myself and the other … it is affecting my work, and I will not be limited by an accident. This will be resolved, and all I can do is attempt to mitigate the personality changes. I think I have circled back to ‘being too hard on myself’. In any case, Aurrin is well aware that if I fall, I die. He has recommended … a sect that preaches balance, based on the life and experiences of Revan … as a potential place to seek advice on this matter. Rilus doesn’t like that idea either. He’s the only one who knows aside from Aurrin and Mae. The issue is that the fragments themselves are not inherently taint; it is what fully integrating them into my personality would do to me that is the question. I could probably attempt to do it now, without any due precautions, but there is a chance that those aspects would … taint me, somehow - turn me. And then the Flames, and … well, maybe I wouldn’t die. Zai survived worse. I have seen Riavar fight through the Flames to best his own darker nature. But I will not subject those who care for me to the sight of my potential immolation. So I take what precautions I can. If that means speaking to those who seek power through balance of Light and Dark, even if only for advice that is later discarded as ‘what not to do’ … no one else seems to have any better ideas. It will take some time to set up, and beyond Rilus, Aurrin and Mae, no one else needs to hear of this. As far as anyone else is concerned … I will have a vacation. One from which I hope to return healed, stronger … or at least alive. ...But for the moment I am not going to think about it. For the moment, Mini-Medic’s Miracle Meals will serve as its daily special Drelliad-style grazer loaf with mashed potatoes, greens and gravy, and hanza cake for dessert. I’ll do something fancy and Alderaanian next time; this is for the marines who so kindly worked so hard to put the little bistro together, and they do tend to prefer something a little more substantial.

"Ready to go?" He asked, when she appeared in front of him. He made a gesture to the forest behind him, to tell her that they would be going through a short-cut he had found on his way there. Before she gave him an answer he turned around, so she wouldn't see him blushing, and began walking. Slyly he slipped his hand into hers.

An older piece I did- A SWTOR commission for my buddy of his Sith Riavar, and his two twin Zabaraks ; Consular and Assasin. You can watch the shading here.