#rewrittenyouhere

It’s soul crushing  And selfloathing  The bitter taste separate from the sweet

And it’s not about you Or her It’s about me

It’s the disbelief The self betrayal The shame that engulfs me

The nakedness of growing older; the unadulterated fear. You burden the revelation of Death being only a whisper away, a fracture in time, a distant friend waiting on the porch swing. Sometimes it digs its claws into a loved one, a friend, and you’re left reeling and shaken with their absence that once filled rooms, filled you with laughter. Time unwinds with days of unrelenting joy and marvel for life and matches it with days so dull and dark you forget it’s temporary. You give love unconditionally and feel the pain as they give it terms. It questions your inner child, your sanity, your growth, your healing- and wait as it gifts you clarity. You ache for your family, burden the pain they feel; grapple with the disappointment you hope you doesn’t show up at your doorstep. Through it all, though, you relish the moments you do have. You take a second for the sun, lift your arms with the wind, let music fill you with a light that could run a whole city. You breathe, you sob till it cracks your chest in half and there’s no tears left, only broken sounds. You dance, you embrace, and most of all you stay open because with that naked, dreadful revelation that life is devastatingly fleeting: you didn’t live it closed, bitter, and unforgiving. 

Aries: sweet but a psycho  Taurus: never let the other person in on their feelings Gemini: bored too easily, there’s just too many options Cancer: obsessed over someone they’ve never even talked to for too long and missed what was right in front of them Leo: never enough drama  Virgo: no one meets standards Libra: too much of a flirt or overly romantic there’s no in-between  Scorpio: still recovering from past trauma and everyone they’ve tried to feel for hasn’t measured up and is only a distraction Sagittarius: they asked “what are we”  Capricorn: too self-aware and aware of others Aquarius: no one surprises them anymore Pisces: no one measures up to the fantasy in their head

There’s something about being wanted by someone who has someone else in their corner. Maybe it’s the ego stroke or the challenge, but it almost drives you more mad than you seem to make them. It can be like a drug- and then you get addicted to the attention they give you, drink up the words they craft just right to keep you around. You pick excuses like they’re growing in an endless garden just to tell yourself it’s okay and that you’ll be okay, it’ll all work out, maybe even in your favor. Maybe they’ll leave them for you. And it’s that ugly, dark gut feeling you have because you know they won’t. It infiltrates like spilled black ink and leaves you so bitter you hardly recognize yourself- and not only does the anger and resentment grow for them, but you start to hate yourself a little too, because why can't you just let go? You’ll go through these emotions, each one so vastly different but you’ll come out the other side. Because even though you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself, it’s almost like you’re simultaneously stronger than you’ve ever been when you have this revelation- you deserve so much more. Not someone who belongs to someone else. You’re a whole and you deserve every bit of love another has to give, never half, or even almost all- but not really. You teach others how you should be treated. You set the tone. So pick yourself and all the grief you carry up and run. Roll down a hill, stare at the sun, breathe in the salty air, because you’ll start a new chapter with someone more important than anyone else. You.