#resiliencewithin posts

20 years ago we went on our first date. 14 of those years we’ve been married. My mind is boggling at the amount of time that’s passed.

Tonight, we’ll honour the same tradition we have for all 20 of those years, returning to the same restaurant as that first date.* We’re adorable ☺️.

Right now, I’m really happy we’re in a good place as we mark this anniversary (over a twenty year span you’re not be always going to be). I think it helps that individually we’re both in the best place we ever have been. While I don’t believe in the adage that you’ve gotta love yourself first (for most of these years I don’t think we’ve loved ourselves much), it definitely helps. A lot.

I’m physically unwell.

This is preventing me from accomplishing things I was really looking forward to accomplishing. This is making me frustrated, sad and discouraged.

That’s okay.

Today is now a practice day.

Practicing prioritizing rest, practicing listening to my body, practicing accepting and sitting with physical and emotional discomfort.

For my mental health, I am reducing my hours to half-time, which will amount to working 2-3 days a week. Trialing this for 1 year and then we will see.

Thank you 💛.

I think, however, it’s important to point out that the positivity I have right now is something that I fought extremely hard for, and continue to fight extremely hard for every day.

The decades of suffering that my generalized anxiety disorder put me through (beginning at 6 years old) created extremely negative thought habits, trauma, very poor self-image and loads of deeply uncomfortable feelings (including clinical depression). Untangling that and healing has been an uphill battle that I am still climbing. That battle has included over a decade on meds, wondering if death was a better option (passively), struggling to get help, four years of intensive therapy (still in it but less intensively), and two medical leaves.

There may be people out there naturally pre-disposed to positivity but I am not one of them. I fight for it.

“Bitch, you’ve collected all your report card data, you’ve made it through the field trips, you’ve pushed and pushed and pushed— Whhhhhhhy are you still trying to push today???? You feel exhausted, run down, like shit, you’re sniffling, you have a headache. Stay the Fuck home.”

3 days to go

Has a parent been ridiculous? Yes.

But admin is dealing with it. Bless them.

Has anything else happened? Not yet.

But report cards go live tomorrow.

My classroom is mostly packed.

I experienced a happy emotion for the first time in weeks, however briefly (a seedling to be nurtured).

I have more mental capacity tonight then I have had in days.