#renco

"You fucking liar." Sevika slapped Ren on the nape of their neck. 

"Ouch!" they exclaimed as they turned around. 

They were enjoying a game of poker with their coworkers when the woman decided to attack them out of nowhere. She slammed the cards out of Ren's hands before pointing towards the corridor.

"Your room. Now." she demanded. 

Ren sighed before getting up and walking with her. She seemed incredibly angry, her jaw and fists clenched as she walked with steps so loud no doubt even Silco heard them upstairs. Once they both arrived to Ren's office, she slammed the door which made the mechanic jump out of their skin. This was one of the few moments they felt truly in danger when in the presence of Sevika. 

"You wouldn't stay with them, right?" she pointed at Ren. "That's what you said, right?"

"Is this about Silco's birt-"

"Yes, it's about Silco's fucking birthday." Sevika took a deep breath, ready to blow any minute now. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"We just got carried away and-" they tried explaining the situation. 

"Carried away by almost climbing on each other in a booth?" she asked almost as if she couldn't believe what happened. 

"How did you-" their eyes widened. 

"Are you out of your mind?" she raised her voice. "Do you understand what you're getting yourself into?"

"Woah, I don't know what you think happened but I can assure it's nothing like that." Ren raised their hands defensively. 

"Listen to me Ren, and listen good." the woman stepped closer. "I'm saying this for both your sake and Silco's. Whatever it is you're doing, stop it. Silco is not the guy for it. If you try to pursue him, he will close himself up sooner than you could say sorry. And if he gets mad at you, I don't want to be the one carrying out his orders, got it?"

Ren didn't quite know how to answer to that. They knew Silco had trust issues but it couldn't be serious enough to order Sevika to hunt them down, could it? It wasn't how he acted towards them, he was kinder and more vulnerable. Ren saw it, they knew he wouldn't ever turn on them. So they just shook their head. But doubt was planted in their head, whether they liked it or not. 

"I don't think this is any of your business." they said, words sounding harsher than they intended. 

Sevika stared at them for a moment before scoffing. "You're a good person, Ren. Don't get caught up in shit you can't climb out of."

"Respectfully, Sevika," Ren crossed their arms, "you don't know anything about what happened between us. So stay out of it."

She shook her head in a disappointed manner, backing away from the mechanic. The woman headed for the door, only speaking with her back turned to Ren. 

"Do whatever you want." she sighed. "But don't come to me when you get hurt."

She slammed the door as she left. Ren closed their eyes, resting their back against a wall. As they contemplated what Sevika said to them, they slowly slid down until they sat on the floor. Part of them knew that Sevika was right, Silco isn't the type of person who would ever settle down with someone; not after his brother betrayed him. But a shameful part of them believed he could overcome his struggles to pursue something that could make him happy. 

Not that they would want to date Silco, Ren tried to reassure themselves. It has been days since they last saw him but most of their thoughts were occupied by him. For once in their life Ren felt that creating isn't easy because they just couldn't focus on their work. But it wasn't because Ren liked Silco, they told themselves, Ren was simply experiencing sexual attraction. It happens, and it's not the same as love. They didn't love Silco, Ren said to themselves every single day since his birthday. 

But not even their own reassuring words could calm Ren's thoughts down. For the first time in a long time, Ren felt like they needed to confide in someone who they could trust with their life - Babette. They felt a little ashamed for only going to the yordle when something happened to them, but it's not like they could turn to anyone else for advice. So they left The Last Drop, thankfully not running into Sevika again, and began their journey to the brothel. 

With their gaze on the ground, Ren made their way through the Lanes. It was a tad bit cleaner than before, Silco having ordered his men to dispose of anything unwanted from the streets. On their way towards the brothel, Ren spotted some workers changing out pipes and fixing up holes; a part of the filtration system project. But the rest of the city was the same, never holding up to Topside. Buildings creaking, people cussing and foreigners traversing through the streets. 

Soon Ren arrived to the red tinted brothel. On the outside stood a few people who recognized them and let them pass without question. They made their way straight to Babette's office, not really being in the mood to chat with anyone else. After a couple minutes of dodging anyone thinking Ren worked there, they stood outside the yordle's office. Ren took a big breath before walking in. Babette sat at her table but when she looked up her eyes widened in surprise. 

"Ren?" she jumped from her seat. 

"Hey, Babette." they hopped down on the couch. 

She rushed to their side, cigarette forgotten on her table. "Are you alright? I haven't heard from you in so long."

They sighed. "Yeah, I'm fine. I guess."

"Thank Janna Silco didn't hurt you." Babette closed her eyes. 

"He's not that bad, you know." they shrugged. "Actually, I find his company to be pretty endearing."

The woman's mouth fell open, clearly taken aback by their answer. She shook her head, her hands straightening the tired lines under her eyes. She kept silent for a moment, just watching the floor, unmoving. Then she turned to Ren again, eyebrows furrowed and pain visible in her gaze. 

"Do you even hear yourself?" she asked. "Silco infested the streets with shimmer. He rules with an iron fist; say one bad word to him and you might wind up dead the next day."

"But he's also paying to repair the city." Ren countered her. 

"And where do you think that money comes from?" the yordle shook her head disappointingly. 

"Let's just not talk about him for now." they sighed. 

In truth, they did come here to discuss a subject about Silco but after the previous conversation Ren decided not to mention his name again. Babette didn't understand all that went behind the scenes, but how could she? Silco barely let anyone close to himself, yet Ren was able to see his vulnerable side more times than they could count. The thought of that alone made them feel a bit light headed, and stomach twisted in ways they haven't felt before. 

"I wanted to ask for your guidance." they finally managed to say. 

"With what?" she sat down across them. 

"Have you ever been in love?" Ren asked, their voice barely a whisper. 

She stayed silent for a moment, only observing the mechanic. "Where does this come from?"

"Well, I just don't know what it feels like." they shrugged. "Like what are you supposed to feel when you're in love?"

"It's different for everyone." she shook her head. 

"Yeah, but there must be some similarities!" they leaned forward. "Like how do I know the difference between simply wanting to bed someone or... you know, wanting to take it further?"

Babette looked away for a second. She was contemplating her answer and Ren could practically hear the gears turning in her head. Soon she turned back to the mechanic, her gaze filled with mixed emotions. 

"Do you see yourself wanting more than sex?" she questioned. 

Ren hummed, taking a second to answer. They wanted Silco carnally, they came to accept that. But something more? Ren thought back to the moment they accidentally met Silco in the kitchen, how mundane that interaction was. Yes, they could imagine themselves having breakfast with Silco every morning. And staying in his office, simply talking to him for hours on end. Perhaps even hold him, caress his face like he did to them. All of this seemed like such a beautiful picture of the future to the mechanic. It was so beautiful in fact that it scared them. 

Falling in love meant becoming vulnerable all over again. They weren't afraid of what Silco could physically do to them, not anymore at least. But completely opening themselves up to him, knowing he held the power to break them beyond repair, that was too much for Ren. They didn't want to be in love at all, in fact they wanted to tear their heart from their chest and make it stop the uncontrollable beating they feel when someone barely mentioned Silco. 

"I don't know." Ren answered truthfully, their voice sounding like they aged a thousand years. "That's a lot. Too much."

"If your living situation was different, if your brother didn't betray you, would you want it?" Babette asked in a soft tone. 

Ren scoffed, not being able to imagine a world where it didn't happen. But they thought about it. And they thought about it for long. When they were ready with their answer, they clasped their hands and sighed. 

"Maybe." they simply said. 

Babette nodded. She stared at Ren for a long minute, studying their features. There was a certain wise look in her eyes that only creatures who lived past the human age range had. Ren had hoped that she would be able to guide them to which answer they should pick but they knew it wasn't possible. While they felt their heart ache for Silco, their mind would never let them enjoy it for long. Ultimately either Ren or Silco would ruin it because of their past. 

"Is it Silco?" she asked knowingly.

Ren opened their mouth in surprise, then they looked away. They couldn't bare to say no; not to Babette. Lying to her felt morally impossible after all she had done to save the mechanic's life. Instead they sighed, closing their eyes. Ren knew that their reaction was answer enough, no words needed to be spoken. They also knew that Babette already made up her mind and there was no helping it. 

"Don't even think about it." she shook her head, making Ren turn back to her. "Did you even think about what Silco would do to you if he finds out Finn is your brother?" 

The mention of his name took Ren aback. Although they have heard it many times, given that he's a relatively famous Chem-baron, but they never expected to hear his name from Babette. 

"Silco could protect me." they managed to utter. 

"If Finn ever finds out that you're alive, he will come after you." she sighed, looking deep into the mechanic's eyes. "How do you think Silco will feel like if your brother manages to turn the barons against him? Silco might be the most powerful among them, but even he has weaknesses. And believe me, many would turn on him, given the chance."

Ren looked down, staring at the floor. "But if they're afraid of him-"

"Fear often forms into hatred." Babette cut them off. 

"But he's strong." Ren finally looked up. "He can beat them."

"Think of Silco's point of view for a moment." she explained. "You turn out to be Finn's sibling, who is actively hiding from him. If he comes for revenge and you seek Silco's protection, wouldn't it seem that the sole reason you started dating was because you could use him? To protect you from your brother?"

She was right. Silco would think of it as a form of betrayal, and he is never kind to those who betray him. It is the lowest form of action anyone could do in his eyes, Ren knew that well. But he knew what happened to Ren. Would he still refuse to offer protection? The mechanic didn't know. They were thorn between the possibilities. Part of them believed Babette, who had no gain from lying to Ren, but another part of them wanted to believe that Silco was better than that; that Silco thought of Ren as more than just his employee. 

"You don't know him." they whispered. 

"I'm telling you this because I do." the yordle shook her head. "And anyone who has been in his vicinity for a while can attest to this."

Sevika also warned Ren. Just like Babette. The mechanic knew they have known each other for many years now, so both of them have known him. But a stupid little voice told Ren that they didn't know him. Silco didn't open up to them like he did to Ren, they only know of his life's stories because they were present. Even if they weren't in love with him, they had a connection. 

Unable to stand this any longer, Ren stood up. "I need to go."

They headed for the door but Babette's hand caught theirs. "Please be careful, Ren."

Ren only looked back at her over their shoulder. "When am I not?"

She released them and they left. They mindlessly wandered the streets, not looking at anything in particular just in front of themselves. Everything they just talked about was running laps in their mind. Both Babette's and Sevika's words battled with their own opinion of Silco. Then came the question whether or not these feelings would die down if they just had sex with him. Ren didn't want to find out, being afraid of the feelings only becoming stronger. 

That night they barely slept. Ren was plagued by nightmares all night, twisting and turning in their bed. Ultimately they got up hours earlier than they were supposed to. Since they had plenty of time, they decided to take a shower, hoping it would clear their mind. But the thoughts didn't stop, Ren's mind simply refused to stay silent. So once they dried themselves and got dressed, the mechanic headed out to go to work. 

As they entered the Drop, they were met with silence. Most of the staff either just went home, having worked all night, or was still at home sleeping. A couple people were lounging around, mostly trying not to fall asleep and occupying themselves with duties around the bar. But mostly it was silence in there. Ren headed for their workshop, not being in the mood to engage with their co-workers. They entered the office with a sigh, turning the light on and sitting down by their table. 

Ren thought about what useful thing they could potentially make that wasn't already in Silco's possession. They drew out a couple weapon ideas, and some upgrades to existing equipment that Silco's enforcers used. As time passed, their drawings turned from mechanical parts to other things. First they began drawing roses on the edges of the papers to help their thinking process. Soon they tried sketching a new idea but decided that the drawing looked oddly like a familiar eye. Then they began expanding the drawing, adding a long nose, a smooth and slick back hair, scars to the face, and lips curling up in a sly smile. Soon they were left with the image of Silco looking over his shoulder, his sides enveloped in roses. 

Once Ren finished the drawing, they stared at it for a minute. They weren't satisfied with it, thinking that the real deal was much more beautiful than what they could draw. Nonetheless, they folded the paper and pocketed it. What they would do with it, they didn't know yet but they knew that no one could see it. Especially not Silco, so it was safer inside their pocket than standing loose in the office. Now they stared at an empty paper once again. That was until they heard the door open. 

The mechanic turned around with a raised brow, their eyes widening when they saw Silco enter the room. He nonchalantly closed the door behind himself, then strutted over to the desk. Silco didn't even look at Ren as he picked up one of the previous sketches of theirs, inspecting what they drew. He hummed as he put it back, picking up another one. 

"Heard you came in early today." he finally spoke. "Is there a reason for it?"

Ren shrugged, fiddling with their fingers. "Couldn't sleep."

Silco placed the second drawing back and finally looked at Ren. He saw the dark circles under their eyes and the exhausted expression they held. As if he knew what they felt, he nodded. He turned around and headed for the door, his fingers lightly brushing against their shoulder. 

"Come with me." he ordered. 

The mechanic practically jumped from their chair and did as asked. Ren followed him upstairs, their eyes wandering all over his back. His usually slumped position was disregarded and he walked with his back straightened, pride written all over his body language. The mechanic smiled while looking at him. It was as if his whole being was inviting them in. The body tight clothes stretched with each step he took, showing off the few muscles he had on his arms and back. Ren barely caught themselves before they could release a sigh. 

Once they arrived at the office door, Silco opened it and kept it ajar for Ren to walk through. Normally Ren would throw him a wink and call him a gentleman, but today was not one of those days where they felt the need to tease him. Silco immediately noticed the shift in their behavior, as his eyes squinted just slightly. The mechanic sat down on the couch, arms and legs kept close to them. 

Meanwhile Silco walked over to his desk and took two glasses from his drawer. He poured a drink for Ren before pouring one for himself. Then he brought it to the couch and sat down next to the mechanic. They took it with a thankful glance and drank half of it in a sitting. Ren would've drunk all of it were it not for the fact that they needed to keep their mind occupied with an activity, otherwise it would go wondering about Silco in positions that would surely make a piltie shriek in terror. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Silco asked, his voice softer than usual. 

Ren shrugged. "It's not a big deal."

The man watched them for a couple seconds, observing each movement of their body, each spasm of their muscles, anything he could use to understand the situation better. It was simply his nature to watch and examine any and all he talked to. Even now, no one could escape his hawk like gaze; let alone Ren, who he came to know well. 

"No lies." his voice became deeper, and harsher. He wasn't to be played with. 

Ren sighed before taking another sip. They stared at their glass of bourbon, swirling it around while thinking what to say. The fastest route to explain their situation to him was to confess everything they kept in secret, but they couldn't find the bravery in themselves to do that. So as Ren so often does, they ran away from their problem again and decided to only tell Silco half of the truth. 

"I went to Babette yesterday." they started. 

"Babette?" he sounded surprised. "Why would you?"

They shrugged once again. "I guess I just wanted to let her know I was still alive."

Silence again. He knew that wasn't the whole truth. Of course he knew. But he didn't ask again. 

"I always go to her when life throws something my way." they let out a tired chuckle. 

He hummed. "Is it something I could help you with?"

Yes.

"No." Ren shook their head. "It's personal."

Silco kept quiet. The mechanic wondered if he noticed the lie. In truth, it even surprised them. Not once in their life has Ren lied so casually before, yet when it came to this moment, even they almost believed what they said. 

"So what has you so down?" Silco inquired further.

"Well, Babette gave me her honest opinion as always." they answered. "We also talked about you."

They finally looked at Silco. He raised a brow as those words left their mouth, his eyes focused on studying Ren's face. 

"Is that so?" he asked. 

"Yeah." they smiled. "She hates your guts."

Silco let out a huff of amusement. "That she does."

"We had a bit of an argument about you, you could say." they shrugged, looking away. "She thinks you're the worst thing to happen to Zaun, and I disagreed."

Ren looked back at Silco with a sigh. He held a soft gaze, blinking slowly at the mechanic. They forgot how great it was to talk to Silco about their problems; he always seemed so understanding. Even with the lack of emotions on his face, he never once made them feel unwanted. Ren was thankful for his attention but their complicated feelings made this situation a bit less comfortable. 

"You are usually more talkative." he remarked. 

"Not really in the mood to talk today." Ren shrugged. 

Silco hummed. "That's alright. We can stay in silence if you'd prefer."

We can stay in silence. It made Ren's heart flutter when Silco talked about the both of them; it gave them a false sense of hope. 

They nodded. "I would love that." 

And soon the both of them found something to do. Ren was draped over Silco's couch, boots long forgotten on the floor, while the man worked at his desk. At first, the mechanic began reading a book but soon they found - after reading a twenty pages long describtion of a jeweled coat - that Silco's taste in stories does not match theirs at all. It was no surprise, as he mostly owned classics and history books on his shelf. Some of his books were so hefty, Ren audibly gasped at their size. 

Once they realised their distaste of the books, they moved on to find something else to do. Among the books, they found a smaller notebook filled with a game of squares and numbers. They have seen this game before in Piltover, but usually only the upper class played it, so they stayed away from it. As far as they understood, they had to match the numbers from one to nine in the squares in all of the columns. It seemed easy enough, so they grabbed a pen from Silco's desk and began working on the squares. 

Soon they had to realise the game wasn't as easy as they though it was. Ren matched the numbers but in another column the same number would have to go in the same row at the end of the game, making it impossible to finish it. The mechanic couldn't even count how many times they had to restart, before they groaned out of frustration and threw the notebook on the coffee table, accompanied by the pen. 

"This game is stupid." they grumbled. 

Ren heard Silco chuckle, and they sat up to turn around. They gave him an annoyed look, which made his initial smirk wider. He stood up and walked to the couch, taking the notebook from the coffee table and sitting down. Ren moved their legs so he could fit, and instead tucked them underneath themselves; this way they didn't need to put their feet on the ground. He hummed as he looked over what Ren produced on the page. Meanwhile the mechanic scooted over to him, practically looking over his shoulder. 

"See, it's impossible." they groaned. 

"Quite the opposite." Silco smiled. "You seem to grasp the general idea but fail to see how other columns might affect your answer."

"But how should I know?" the mechanic rolled their eyes. "The numbers are not there yet! Do you want me to get magical powers and look into the future or what?"

Silco let out an amused huff before beginning to write down his own answers. They didn't differ much from Ren's however he did make some moves that were unclear to the mechanic. Even with Silco's smarts, it took some time to solve it, so Ren moved themselves closer to the man and rested their head on his shoulder. He tensed at the contact at first but didn't seem to mind it. The man carefully erased all the wrong answers and replaced them. Sometimes he hummed along when he found a good answer.

After a bit of time went by, Silco got so lost in doing more and more puzzles, he subconsciously placed his head on top of Ren's. It was peaceful like this, the two of them so close to each other Ren could practically hear his heartbeat. His presence just made it harder to deny what Ren felt. They didn't want to feel it, not at all, but how could they not when Silco's being just seemed like perfection to them. His eyes, his nose, his hair, his teeth, his throat, the scar, his delicate fingers, his clothes; all of him - perfection. Ren breathed in his cologne and was further captured by the man. For once in their life, Ren was caught in a spider's web that they couldn't escape. And it was all up to Silco what he would do with them. 

The man soon finished with the last bit of puzzle available in the notebook and placed it back on the table. Silco finally realised just how close the two have gotten and pulled away from the mechanic. Ren raised their head, looking up to meet his eyes. He looked down on them, pupil so dilated the seafoam eyes almost got lost in a dark abyss. The mechanic gulped, suddenly feeling like the room was set on fire and needing to escape from it as soon as possible, but before they could do anything, the door slammed open. 

Sevika, prepared to barge in, froze on the doorstep. With eyes widened, she stared at the mechanic. Silco didn't even turn around, seemingly knowing exactly who stood just outside his office. Instead he just waved with his hand, signaling for the woman to come inside. She scoffed before closing the door and walking over to the couch. Only when she was standing next to the sofa, did Silco turn his head. 

"I believe I told you not to disturb me today." he remarked. 

"This is important." Sevika scoffed. 

"Get on with it then." the man sighed. 

She explained the situation to him and Silco listened intensely. Ren only payed attention to half of what they were talking about as they mostly cared about examining Silco's beautiful side profile. They almost wished they had a paper at hand so they could draw it. Although they were truly enraptured by the man's beauty, Ren didn't miss the dirty looks Sevika was giving them. They didn't hold it against her, after all she did warn them just yesterday to not get themselves involved or do anything similar to what they were doing right now. 

"Dismissed." Silco finally finished. 

Sevika eyed Ren for a couple seconds, considering whether to say something or not. When Silco sent her a questioning look though, she grumbled something under her nose and left. The man stared at the door for a moment before turning back to Ren. His gaze immediately softened as he set eyes on the mechanic. 

"I'm afraid my duty calls me." he sighed. 

"I wouldn't dream keeping you away from it." they smiled. 

Silco hummed. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off? You've worked plenty in the morning." 

Ren raised a brow, seeking to see his reasoning hidden in his eyes. But they couldn't find anything. 

"That's not necessary." they shook their head. 

"I insist." he lowered his voice. This was an order. 

The mechanic sighed. "Alright."

Silco nodded and stood up. The sudden breaking of all of their contact almost made Ren whine and reach out to him but thankfully they were able to stop themselves. Once he made his way over to the desk, the mechanic put their boots on. They said their goodbyes before leaving the man's office. 

The walk downstairs was longer than they would've hoped, and it didn't help feeling Sevika's annoyed gaze down their back following them until they left through the main door. Ren gave a curt nod to the guards, before taking a route back to their apartment. On their way home, only one thought plagued their mind - Silco. How close he had been to the mechanic just minutes ago, how they could feel his breath caressing their skin. With each step they took, the drawing in their pocket grew heavier; and soon they couldn't go further anymore. 

Ren stopped in the middle of the road, a few people bumping into them and cursing at the mechanic in doing so. But they didn't care, not when it felt like the world was ceasing to exist around them. Their breath quickened at this feeling; almost as if some invisible force was choking them. All of this was too much; they needed to find a way out, to forget about those stupid feelings for Silco. Only one place came to their mind - the brothel. 

The mechanic practically ran to the building, as if someone was chasing them. In truth, something was in fact chasing them but it just so happened to be their own feelings. Ren was terrified of them, of feeling so strongly for someone. Internally they had beaten themselves up over the fact they hadn't noticed how close they were getting to Silco. Befriending him would've been fine since Ren is all too used to losing their friends; they knew the pain it would inflict on them and were able to ignore it most often than not. But a lover? They were unfamiliar with that pain and it terrified them. More so they were terrified of feeling like such for Silco. They knew it wouldn't end well, neither them or Silco would ever let themselves be so vulnerable. 

Soon they arrived at the brothel, their breath catching up. A few of their former co-workers were standing in the front and waved them over. Ren joined them with intent; that being taking someone to bed tonight. The brothel was not too busy that day though. It didn't surprise them, since most people were still working. Thankfully as time passed by, new faces started to show up and soon a firm hand around their shoulder made Ren turn around. 

"Hello, honey." a tall and muscular woman cooed at them. "How much for a snack like you?"

"Any price for you, sweetheart." they smirked, batting their eyelashes at her. 

The woman grabbed their chin, pulling them closer. "Show me where to go then."

Ren made a show of pressing a kiss to her hand before grabbing it and dragging her into the brothel. They knew exactly how to act around people like her; starting by being submissive then as the act goes on becoming more and more bratty. People like her enjoyed punishing and putting their partners in their place. And Ren knew how to play their cards well to have a satisfying night for the both of them. 

Once they arrived to a room, Ren reached for the curtain separating the hallway from the room and started playing with the material. 

"Should we close this or do you enjoy an audience?" they lowered their voice. 

The woman grabbed them by the throat. "I want you all to myself, darling."

Ren pulled on the fabric with a grin, separating themselves from the outside world. They led her over to the couch placed in the room, breathing in the sweet scent of incense. 

"And what do you want?" they placed their hand on her face, pulling her closer. "I can be anything for you." 

The woman's pupils dilated as she looked down on the mechanic. Only one emotion was present in her eyes and it was lust. She leaned in, her lips pressing to Ren's. At first she tasted them, her tongue circling on their lips and the inside of their mouth. Then the kiss got hungrier and more demanding. Soon the woman pushed Ren down on the couch, licking her lips as she saw the mechanic's flushed state. 

With the woman draped all over them for hours, Ren thought they could stop thinking about Silco for just one moment. But that wasn't the case. With every single touch of her fingers, Ren couldn't help but think about what Silco would do to them. Or with their head between her legs, they couldn't help but imagine crouching under Silco's desk and pleasuring him after a long day. Ren even caught themselves wishing they could moan Silco's name, but catching themselves before they could. 

After the act was over and the woman payed for Ren's services, they stayed in the room for a while. Getting dressed gave them just enough time to think over everything that happened. Ren enjoyed their time with the woman, there was no doubt about that, but as their senses calmed down and they could think straight again, they realised this didn't fix their problem at all. So in order to take some time to themselves they left the brothel through the back door and stayed in the alley for a smoke. 

They sat down on top of a dumpster and lit a cigarette. With their right hand they held the cigarette while their left hand played with the drawing in their pocket. There - hidden in the darkness - Ren closed their eyes and just let their mind wander. They thought about everything and nothing; until they heard the door open beside them. In the corner of their eye, they saw a white silhouette and immediately knew who was standing at the door. 

Oskar leaned against the dumpster. "There you are." he sighed as he looked at Ren. "I haven't seen you for months, then all of a sudden you show up only to hook up with one person and leave the brothel."

"That sums it up, yeah." they huffed some smoke out. "Where's your sister?"

"She fell in love with a girl and felt guilty when she had sex with other people." he shrugged. 

"Huh." Ren nodded. 

Oskar eyed the mechanic for a couple seconds and was prepared to say something but Ren was faster. 

"Have you ever fallen in love?" they asked. 

"Yes." he nodded. "I have a boyfriend."

Ren's eyes widened. "I didn't know that." 

He shrugged. "I don't talk about him much. What's that got to do with anything, though?"

Ren sighed. They were searching for the right words. All of this was still so confusing to them. They knew they were overreacting but having such intense feelings for anyone was quite literally their worst nightmare.

"I just... wonder what it's like." they said, staring into the distance. 

"For me, it's just the best feeling in the world." Oskar smiled. "You seek their presence, they seek yours. When you talk it's like a long lost part of your soul is listening to you. Their presence is just so comforting and life's problems fade away when you're with them."

He talked about love so dreamily. It was strange to Ren. They saw it as a weakness anyone could exploit. There was no place for love in Zaun, they had learnt that long ago. Yet the more Oskar was talking about it, the more Ren began to question their own views. After all, Silco had only made their life better ever since they started working for him. 

"Yeah, it's just beautiful." he finished with a quiet chuckle. "Why are you asking?"

"I think I fell in love." their cigarette burned out and they tossed it to the wall. "And I'm scared."

"Why would you be?" he raised a brow. 

"Because I know that it won't end well." they sighed. "It never does. They all die."

Ren's voice cracked just a little at the end. With thoughts racing back to the night their friends died, they gulped. 

"We all die in the end." Oskar shrugged. 

"Yeah," they released a tired chuckle, "but it does matter how. I can't love him, Oskar. It will end bad. I know it. It's just a matter of time before some shit happens and I can't stop it."

"Ren, I always thought of you as someone who takes their problems head on." he shook his head. "Why are you running from this, then? If you can't stop it, enjoy it!"

"I've been running my whole life!" they raised their voice, finally losing their composure. "From the stupid duties my parents put on me, to running from my life when my own brother betrayed me. I don't know anything else! It was easy to forget my emotions after some time because I knew what to do. But this is... new! I have never felt like this and I don't know how to ignore it!"

"So don't ignore it!" he exclaimed. 

"I can't!" Ren grabbed a handful of their hair, trying to hide their teared up eyes. "I don't know how to love!"

"Of course you do!" he shook his head. "You are full of love, Ren! When you gave advice to us when you weren't required? Or when you gave your lunch away to a starving kid you saw on the street? That's love! Just because it's in a different form it doesn't mean it's an entirely new thing!" 

Ren listened to him, contemplating what he was saying. 

"Sure there are ups and downs but ultimately love is beautiful!" he gently rubbed Ren's arm to make them feel better. "Why are you trying to deny yourself this?"

Why, indeed. Ren didn't have any more arguments to make. Ultimately it came down to their experiences and being afraid to get hurt again. So they raised their head from their hands and turned to face Oskar. 

"And if it doesn't work out?" they whispered. "If I die?"

"You won't." he chuckled. 

Of course, he didn't know the full extent of the story. 

"And even if you do, you'll die knowing you had a good time." Oskar shrugged. "Go for it, Ren. You never know if something works out for you until you actually try it."

They released a cynical huff but nodded along. What he said wasn't a lie. Ren thought about it and wondered whether or not other people's opinions could have influenced their own. 

"That is if he likes me back." they shrugged. 

"Surely if he didn't you wouldn't be in this state." he looked at them knowingly.

It wasn't a lie. Ren was smart enough to see how differently Silco acted with them, yet still they couldn't fathom him showing interest. It simply seemed so foreign from a man of his caliber. But he was capable of love. Jinx was the living example of that; and he loved her dearly. Could they ever be part of their family? Ren wasn't exactly against the idea but it still scared them. 

"Maybe." they managed to mumble. 

Oskar smiled. "So what did we learn today?"

Ren huffed a laugh. "To stop being a bitch and go after that guy?"

"Yep!" he snapped his fingers and offered Ren a wide grin. 

They stayed together for a while before Ren decided to go home. As they left the brothel, the city didn't seem to weigh down on their shoulders anymore. Ren thought about what Oskar said that night. He was mostly right. Their panicked state was uncalled for and they should just take this situation head on. Of course, the looming threat of their brother was still an issue, but Ren believed that they could have a civil conversation about that with Silco. Once they were already together at least. 

Even with all their doubts dismissed, they still couldn't help but feel scared. It was more so being scared of the future than anything but it still made them question themselves. Thankfully sleep took over them before they could overthink this situation any further. Next day they went to work as normal, waking up as usual from a dreamless sleep. 

Once inside, they greeted their co-workers and headed for their office. Ren was still weary to actively seek out Silco but they were sure he would come to them eventually. Whereas Silco didn't, Jinx definitely stopped by. She went on and on about her projects before leaving for her workshop. Sevika also trained with Ren that day, ignoring the conversation that played between them just a couple days ago. According to her, Silco was busy and unavailable for everyone for the day. 

The next few days went by normally. Going to the Drop, working on some projects and occasionally talking with some people on their breaks. Ren slowly fell back to their cycle, the time spent away from Silco helping a little to keep their thoughts straight. They were embarrassed by their own reaction to all of this but could not shake off that single ounce of doubt left in their body. Ultimately they just decided to ignore it, since fighting it just worsened their anxiety. 

As the days passed, Ren grew worried. Silco had barely left the Drop and spent most of his time alone with the paperwork. The mechanic questioned both Sevika and Jinx, and the latter promptly told them how some deranged followers of the guy who attacked Silco a while back, are grouping together and sabotaging his shipments and factories. She also let it slip that some of Ren's co-workers have been attacked on the job by said group. 

"So yeah, he's really angry." Jinx shrugged as she finished, her focus staying on the bomb she was currently making. 

"I can understand that." Ren scoffed. 

"Don'orry," she slurred her words as she rested her head on her hand, "he always figures it out."

They couldn't help being worried. Ren knew how stubborn he could be about his job, often overworking himself in the process. So, after tip-toeing around the issue for a while, Ren decided to pay him a visit.

Ren climbed the stairs with heavy breaths, heart threatening to burst out of their chest. Standing just outside Silco's office, they took a deep breath before knocking on the door. For a moment no sound came from the other side and Ren grew anxious, so they opened it without permission. Silco sat at his desk, back hunched over the papers. He didn't even look up, muttering under his nose as he wrote another sentence down. 

"Silco?" Ren asked after they closed the door. 

The man seemingly jumped a little at the sound. He looked up, expression bewildered. As Ren looked at him, they saw just how tired he looked. Good eye barely open, his eyebags even bigger than usual, and worst of all that lifeless look he gave the mechanic. Ren's heart sunk as they watched his face. Once he realised who entered his office though, he sighed, voice sounding raspier than usual. 

"I'm afraid I can't indulge your parades as of right now." he gestured at his desk. "I'm incredibly busy."

"When was the last time you slept?" the mechanic ignored what he had just said, walking closer to him. 

Silco eyed them for a second, his gaze darkening with each step they took. "I've already told you-"

"I don't care." Ren crossed their arms. "You need to take breaks. Otherwise you will just burn out and hurt yourself in the process."

"I don't have the time to-"

"Please, Silco." they finally crossed the distance between them, standing by the table. "I'm worried about you."

For a split second, his eyes widened before returning to their original state. He slowly leaned back in his chair, his pointer finger tapping the edge of the desk. Ren followed where he pointed and stepped only one foot away from him. They rested their hip against the edge of the desk, waiting for what he had to say. 

"Do you have a cigarette?" he questioned. 

Ren let out a quiet chuckle. "What happened to your cigars?"

"Smoked it." he grumbled, clearly not wanting to admit it. 

"How stressed have you been?" Ren sighed, taking out a pack of cigarettes from their pocket, taking one for themselves. 

They gave him the pack and he opened it with clumsy hands. Ren could see how much he fought not to fall over in this very moment and they could barely keep themselves from just grabbing the man and taking him to his bedroom. Once he finally fished out a cigarette, he reached for his lighter. He brought it to the cigarette, but no matter how much he tried to light it, the lighter simply didn't produce any flames. 

Ren shook their head disapprovingly, before pulling out their matches. "Ren two, Silco zero."

Silco raised his gaze to the mechanic, his eyes not containing any humor. They hopped on the desk to seat themselves, not breaking eye contact with the man. Ren smiled with the cigarette in their mouth as they opened the little box, only to see that there was only one match left. They took it out of the box and showed it to Silco. 

"Only one left." they sighed. 

"We better make good use of it, then." he murmured. 

Silco took the box and the match and lit it. With the cigarette in his mouth, he leaned forward, eyes locked with Ren's. The mechanic also leaned forward, so the end of their cigarettes were almost touching, being ignited by the flame at the same time. Ren's eyes were half lidden as they stared down at him, lost in the different elements of his gaze. One a calming wave, the other a raging fire. Their gaze slowly traveled down to his lips. He held the cigarette in his mouth lazily, half opened so Ren could see part of his teeth. They gulped upon seeing his face illuminated by bright oranges and reds, contrasted with the green of the window.

The man's gaze also shifted to the mechanic's lips, his tightening just slightly at doing so. He leaned forward, the tips of the cigarette touching, and their faces being even closer now. He looked into their eyes again, as he placed his elbow on their thigh, to rest it while holding the match. Cold ran through the mechanic's body at the touch, their breath hitching. Silco's lips curled up ever so slightly, pulling himself closer to Ren. His chest was now touching their knees as he put the flame out. 

Silco was the first to huff out smoke, doing so into Ren's face. They closed their eyes as they inhaled it, lips opening to exhale. In doing so, smoke escaped from their mouth, and Silco breathed it in. The hand that previously rested on their thigh was now slowly inching it's way up Ren's hips. He hummed when he saw the flushed expression on their face, his face leaning even closer to theirs. Only then did Ren feel how close he was to them - too close - and for a split second, panic flashed in their eyes. Silco being ever so observing, immediately noticed and stopped his advances. Ren wished they could've undone their body's reaction as Silco retreated, straightening up in his chair. 

Ren looked away in embarrassment, huffing out some smoke. One moment was perfect, and the next was ruined by their stupid brain. The mechanic wanted to beat themselves up but couldn't do so in front of Silco. He watched them with curious eyes though, his arm still resting next to them on the desk. But ultimately none of them did or said anything. It was just another moment lost between the two. 

"I should get back to work." Silco was the one to break the silence. 

Couple minutes went by since the last time they spoke, their cigarettes being long gone. Yet none of them found the courage to speak of a new topic. That is why Ren couldn't find it in themselves to object. After all, they had wasted Silco's time for nothing. 

"Yeah." they nodded, finally looking the man in the eyes. "Just don't burn out."

His eyes observed them, dissecting each and every one of their movements and words. Clearly he was looking for something, yet Ren didn't feel like they could give it to him. Ultimately though, he hummed. 

"I'll keep it in mind." he answered.

He turned back to the papers, and Ren hopped down from the desk. There were questions left unanswered between them, but Ren didn't find it in themselves to look back at the man as they left the office. They didn't even notice they left their pack of cigarettes with him. 

That night Ren was tossing and turning in their bed, unable to stop the thoughts from racing through their brain. As they opened their eyes from another unsuccessful attempt, their gaze fell on the drawing they did a while back. It was set standing on the kitchen counter, looking over at their couch and with that, looking over at Ren. They squeezed their eyes shut, trying to forget what had happened previously. 

Ren smashed their head against their pillow, groaning as the bad feelings kept flooding their brain. A constant voice in them kept saying how it will end the same as it always does - with Ren's life in shambles. One memory slid it's way into their thoughts; one that Ren would rather forget. The night their brother betrayed them. Finn and his pathetic attempt at murder. They remembered every detail of it like it happened yesterday. 

The night was cold, biting the cheeks of all those who dared stay outside. Ren's parents were in the living room, sitting by the fireplace and chatting about the day's events. They felt tired that night, so they slipped from the room and sneaked into theirs. Only they didn't realise one of their family members were watching from the shadows. Finn - who had supposedly gone to bed an hour ago - stood in the dark of the hallway, watching as Ren closed the door on themselves. 

It was left unlocked as Ren climbed into bed, turning off the light. They nestled in just well, the warmth of the bed bringing some comfort as they still mourned their friends. Ren fought back their tears, sobbing quietly in the deafening silence. Their parents' voices didn't reach their room, so it was only them and their thoughts who kept each other company. Little did they know, in that moment, of the monster that was bearing its claws just outside their door. 

Ren's sobbing died down as the sheer tiredness of the day finally caught up to them. They drifted off, not hearing the door creaking open. As the door slowly opened, two grey eyes stared down at the sleeping child. They almost glowed as the light reflected from them. Finn took a step inside, checking to see if Ren woke up. But they didn't. So he closed the door behind him, and locked it from the inside. His intent was clear, and he didn't plan on letting his sibling escape the embrace of death. 

He sneaked to the bed, looking down upon the child. There was no love to be found behind those piercing eyes. Finn gently pulled the pillow from underneath Ren, then held it to the sky. For just on second, he hesitated. But that second didn't last for long and he struck. The pillow covered Ren's face tightly as they woke up from the sudden force. They screamed, but it drowned out their voice. With their hands, they tried getting ahold of their attacker but it was to no avail. 

They grew desperate as their air slowly ran out. As if divine intervention just hit them, they felt a knife hidden in the attacker's pocket. Ren grabbed the knife and slashed at his arm. A scream came from the attacker and he finally let go of them just for enough time for the child to take the pillow off their face. That's the moment they saw just who their attacker was. Finn looked down on them, eyes wide and demented; bloodlust visible in his expression. His hands moved to grabs Ren's neck, but they slashed again, tears dwelling in their eyes. They didn't know what they were cutting as desperate cries fell from their lips. 

Both of Finn's hands moved to grab the knife and in doing so, Ren slipped from underneath him and fell to the ground. They got on their knees and turned to the door with pupils smaller than a speck of dust. With mouth open, they yelled for the only person that could bring them comfort in this situation. 

"MOM!" the scream ripped from their throat with the power of a tiger. "HEL-"

They couldn't finish as Finn jumped on them again, flipping Ren to their back. He wanted them to look him in the eyes as he finished his almost failed job. Ren tried fighting him off, constantly screaming for their mother. But Finn shut them up with a fierce punch to their face. A crack could be heard on impact and Ren yelled in pain. The attack was followed by a slash on their face, worsening the state of their already broken nose. Blood splashed on their brother's face, making him appear in the dark as a wolf, bearing his teeth at his prey. 

Rattling came from the other side of the door, being followed by shouts of Ren's name. They couldn't answer as Finn raised his hand high, preparing for the coup de grâce. Ren barely had enough time to raise their left hand to stop it, before the knife struck. They screamed out in agony as the weapon pierced through their hand. Finn pressed further. The door rattled louder. Ren cried as the knife was getting closer to their face.

With all their power, they pushed against the knife, their palm touching the hilt of it. Finn grew tired and with sheer strength, he slashed the knife straight through Ren's hand, severing it in half. In doing so, the tip of the knife was close enough to scratch a second wound on their nose. Ren's face was covered in blood, tears and snot, begging their brother to stop. Finn looked down on them with furrowed eyebrows - a moment of hesitation. His eyes flinched at yet another cry of his name. 

As he stood frozen, Ren grabbed the knife from him with their right hand. With adrenaline burning high in their system, they were able to overpower him and flip the positions. Now Finn lied on the floor, eyes wide with fear. Ren screamed bloody murder as they forcefully brought down the knife again and again, teeth bearing and ripping their pray apart. Finn yelped in pain at the continuous impact around his jaw. Ren could only see red as their eyes filled with tears - the only thing washing the blood off their face. 

Then the door burst open. Ren didn't notice as they were stuck in the moment; constantly stabbing at their brother's jaw and face. Only when someone tackled them to the ground did they notice that their parents entered the room. Their father stood above them, his face almost red with anger, spit falling from his mouth as he yelled at Ren. But their head slowly turned to their brother next to them. Ren's mother cried above his shaking body, desperately trying to stop the bleeding. She turned to Ren, her face twisting in agony.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" she screamed at them. "MONSTER."

Ren sobbed as their father's hand tightened around their throat. Their attention was brought back to him. He looked down on the child with no love behind his eyes. Ren cried under the pressure, unintelligible noises escaping from their mouth. Their left hand fell to their side, unable to do anything. Meanwhile their right hand still held tight onto the knife. 

"Please..." Ren begged his father, who squeezed even stronger. 

He didn't answer. Not even when Ren cried out his name. Only a stray teardrop fell from his eyes. He was determined to finish the job, even if it was his own child. Ren wasn't sure what power possessed them in the moment, but with the last bit of air left in them they let out a battle cry and quickly slashed at their father's face. He yelped in pain, winning Ren just enough time to break free and kick him away. They jumped on the bed, then head first burst through the window. 

That night they didn't stop running until they got to Babette. Ren remembered it clearly. All the pain - the agony. Worst of all, they remembered how their family looked upon them; with hatred and fear behind their eyes. A single tear escaped from their eyes as they moved into a fetal position, hugging their own body under the covers. It hurt, even after all this time. And it would continue to hurt for the rest of their life.