#renae

Night out

I am lead through the world by the hands of my own sickness

watching them choke on the spit of their forgiveness

but the scars will arise to their defense

there's no saving the skin tightening in repeated suspense

white-knuckle the wheel in thinking a machine could still betray me

and the engine drowns out through the nods of a baby

their empty hands have already reached into the pile-up backseat

fill the night with silence born from an mispronounced sigh of defeat

when the apple rotted through the core where it fell down

besides a river of blood where that line was meant to drown

they have never taken anything away from me

the ground was already barren between the roots of my family tree

only God knows why angels wait on the shoulder of a country byway

watching from the sidelines where I let my faith decay

and I never stopped it — call it sheer curiosity

ninety-five down the highway like there's something wrong with me

I'm winning in a losing game confession and it'll never be enough

'cause I can take a hit but I'm not that tough

tell me this life's all about knowing when it's time to sink or swim

I'll jump into the river just to illicit a response from him

and all of the angels will drown with me while I run softly out of air

heaven has forsaken the fate of a broken up radio station prayer

'cause I am strangled to death by love

forever listening to a white horse trample the ground above

I can only keep it steady on fractured concrete

the same way I continuously cut the knee on my hometown street

with dirt-covered fingers pressed against the flayed open nerve

— God never gives you more than you deserve

but it's not anyone's fault and I don't need nobody to pull me out

daddy told me that the white horse is something I should do without

so I watched it leave while I begged but it never came back

soaked through with tears until the world went black

woke up with my morality swinging forth from the ceiling beam

I used to be so good but they have made me mean

in between the jaw of a rabid dog 'cause its breath keeps out the cold

and the fear is there but it's getting fucking old

down on floorboards I've worn out by praying on my knees

I'd keep the wolf from the door if I wasn't weak from this disease

their teeth break my scar tissued skin so easy

and I'll lay there steadily bleeding out until they see me

'cause I am strangled to death by love

forever listening to that white horse trample the ground above

I am what they have made me — they will never save me

God will carve unto my body that he wishes he'd never forgave me

all of my bones will grind to dust beneath the weight

my edges sharpened to a knife until decay is all I'm able to create

hold me by the neck and lift my weary feet off the killing floor

I'll beg you to stop and you will bear down to give me more

'cause I've killed myself again

my skin gives so easy — but I didn't know it back then

all of my guts and glory spread throughout the power line valley

no different from a scared child running through the alley

after my daddy said white horses would never find me

I'll beg to the sleeper for a place to hide me

letting in a world of hurt with every straggler I drag home

but when they lay down next to me they'll never feel more alone

and they'll tell me quietly it feels like sleeping next to a dead body

they don't know my momma took me out back and shot me

I bit the bullet with lidded eyes and leaded limbs

corroded away until all my soft spots became cess pools for their sins

the body of a child molded into an afterthought for years to come

praying for a fist to the face to keep it from going numb

my hands are taught to throw a punch so I'll never hold it too tight

I'm winning the losing game by succumbing to every fight

no one will be there awaiting my survival to save me

and God will hate the way I have become what they made me

— 'cause I am strangled to death by love