#remembering things

“I heard you were back, I didn’t believe it,” she said as she pulled a box off the low shelf. “This one’s for Elain. I’ve been keeping people from buying it.”

“I’m not back,” I said, picking the box up with ease and setting it in the cart. “Just on vacation.”

“Of course,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “Shout for me whenever you’re done.”

I walked away, leaving Emerie with a shit eating grin on her face.

I grabbed poinsettias, a glittery golden star, more Christmas lights than Elain needed but I figured it was better to have more than need to come back here. Especially with Emerie grinning the whole time she scanned everything.

“Elain has a tab,” she said. “I can add this to it.”

I pulled my card out of my wallet. “Pay it all.”

“What do you mean?”

“Her tab. And all of this.”

“She’s going to be pissed.”

I shrugged. “She’ll get over it.”

“Between you and me,” Emerie said as she swiped the card. “I’m glad you’re not giving in to that ‘I can do it myself’ nonsense she’s been going on about since Grayson left. She can do it by herself, don’t get me wrong. But she shouldn’t. Besides Cassian and Lucien, Nuala- Elain doesn’t have anyone out here.”

Emerie handed me the card back. The receipt started printing out and I pulled out a few bills and handed it to her. “Think of it as a Christmas present.”

“Az… really-”

“Please. Do whatever you want with it. But accept it, please.”

She relented with a sigh. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Want me to help you bring that to your car?”

“I got it.”

“Merry Christmas, Azriel.”

“Merry Christmas, Em.”

*

I finished putting the lights outside the diner when Elain finished work. She was beaming when we went inside to work on the tree. Noche Buena was a day away, but I wasn’t dreading it. Not with Elain singing along to aguilnaldos better than I ever could. The tree was a nightmare to put together but once it was up, I plugged it in to the extension cord we’d plugged into the outlet where the washer was. Elain was laughing the whole time. She couldn’t reach the top of the tree even with the chair so I lifted her up, hands on her waist. She yelped, kicking me in the stomach and I pretended to drop her.

“I hate you,” she said with a laugh and I held her up higher. She put the star on and I gently set her on her feet.

“You’re welcome,” I replied and she hit my arm.

“Come on, we should get ready for the lights.”

“You mean, you should get ready for the lights. I’m good.”

“Yeah, yeah. Go see what they’re showing on Hallmark. I’m going to take a shower.”

“Whatever you say, boss.”

“Stop that,” she said with a laugh.

I got comfortable on the sofa, putting the tv on but keeping the volume low. Cassian had just landed and was on his way to mom’s house. Feyre and Rhys had gotten there this morning. I replied to their texts and remembered to message Mor and Amren and was surprised at how fast both responded. Mor sent me pictures of her at the beach and Amren sent a picture of the sunrise. Varian had taken her to Dawn for Christmas, because why not? It felt… nice to hear from them, even with the guilt I felt at how much I’d distanced myself from everyone.

“Hey, Az?”

I looked up, locking my phone and putting it in my pocket.

“Hm?”

Her hair was in two dutch braids and she was only wearing a towel… and her bunny slippers.

“Emerie said I didn’t owe her anything. But that can’t be right.”

She was holding her phone in her hand.

“Well, I took care of it.”

“Jesus Christ, Az.”

“What? I was already buying the tree, what harm would it be to take care of the rest? It wasn’t a big deal.”

“It’s a big deal to me!”

“Why?” I found myself leaning forward and Elain only stood straighter, a scowl on her face. “I grew up without money, El. With nothing. By the time I got adopted, I was used to having nothing, you know that. And I can afford to throw my money away on my friends, on the people I care about.”

She reminded me of Nesta for a moment and it dawned on me why Cassian had always had a thing for the eldest Archeron sister. I wished I could take that thought back but damn if Elain didn’t look hot. I felt like an idiot teenager all over again.  

“Just tell me before you do something like that. God, Azriel, I have to keep my books in order.”

She turned on her heel and left me sitting there while she rummaged through her dresser and stormed back into the bathroom.

*

We walked around town in silence, looking at one another every now and then. She’d put on a hat with a pom pom on top and with her coat and scarf, she looked like a marshmallow. A very pink marshmallow.

“What?” she snapped. Her nose was pink, too.

“Are you still mad at me?”

“No.”

“You haven’t said anything to me since before we left.”

“You haven’t said sorry.”

“But I’m not sorry… Well, for upsetting you, yes. I am sorry for upsetting you.”

She sighed. “Come on. I want hot chocolate.”

We bought hot chocolate outside of the only café in town and walked towards the houses and all their lights and ridiculous yard decorations. Elain perked up when one house was playing A Christmas Carol with a projector onto their garage door. She was practically skipping and tugging on my arm to follow her to house after house until we made it to the side of town she grew up on.

“Lucien is home,” she mused, but kept on walking.

“You don’t want to say hi?”

“No.” She was trying not to laugh.

“What?”

She held out her phone to me. She had taken a picture of his yard and wrote ‘Your decorating skills are weak for a rich prick.’ I laughed, handing her the phone back.

“Run!” she shouted and I looked at the front door and saw someone going to open it. I followed after her until we were in front of her parents’ house. It was completely dark save for a light upstairs.

“I haven’t seen them since… Well, they weren’t too happy about Grayson leaving. Even if they think I left him.”

I shook my head and threw an arm around her shoulder.

“It’s their loss.”

She shrugged. We kept on walking this way until we cut through the trees. I used to walk her home from school through here, and even in the dark, I knew my way around. She broke her arm once climbing a tree here. Feyre and Rhys- I shuddered at the thought. They’d almost ruined it for us. Cassian and I cut class and came here to smoke until Elain asked me to stop. But not before she tried it a few times.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked quietly.

“Just… remembering things.”

“Remember that time we came here to hang out and we found my sister and-”

“God, don’t remind me.”

She laughed.

“I miss that… Well, you. Us. Not Feyre and Rhys half naked on the grass.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I miss that, too.”

“So why did you stay away?”

“I…” I didn’t really have an answer.

“I know you went through a lot, Az. And I know your mom was the only thing that kept you here, but… Your mom wasn’t the only person who cared about you.”

“I know that.”

“Grayson was so jealous of you and didn’t believe me that you never answered my texts. That you stopped answering the phone. I didn’t even know where you lived.”

“Elain…”

“Just forget it.”

She shrugged my arm off and walked away, leaving me to follow after her. She didn’t talk to me, even when we ate dinner. She changed into pajamas and shut the lights off before climbing into bed. It was quiet, too quiet for me to sleep. Especially knowing that she was upset and that it was my fault.

“Elain,” I said, afraid to speak too loudly. “Talk to me, please?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. Anything. Everything.”

I heard her sniffle.

“You broke my heart, Az. Is that what you want to hear? Do you know how stupid I felt for ever thinking that you’d stay with me? At first I figured you were just wanting to know what it was like to live on your own, just like Feyre did after what Tamlin and my parents put her through. But Feyre didn’t just shut me out.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“But you did. You did and I settled for Grayson because I figured somehow, he’d help me forget you. But he didn’t. I was just in love with one more person who didn’t love me back.”

“What?” I sat up, looking over to where she was.

“I said-”

“I’ve always loved you Elain. But I wasn’t good for you. Not then. And I was too ashamed of myself to tell anyone where I was, what I was doing. Which is stupid now, but I didn’t know any better then.”

“Where were you?”

“After the first tour overseas, I was living by myself in some shit hole apartment in Velaris while I spent practically every day at therapy. No one knew, only Rhys and Cassian. And when I came to see my mother… I just couldn’t handle being here. It was too much.

“And yes, I should have answered. I should have never let you think I didn’t care about you but I was a mess. You didn’t deserve that.”

I could tell she had sat up. I heard her let out a shaken breath. I heard the floor boards when she got out of bed and watched her walk me until she was right in front of me.

“Do you mean it, that you love me?” she whispered.

“With all my heart.”

Elain leaned forward, wrapping her arms around my neck. When I brought my arms around her, she kissed the top of my head. I could hear her heart racing.

“Elain, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

“Shh… It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” I said and my voice was broken. I was crying. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re here now… That’s what matters.”

She was crying too, I heard it in her voice.

“How can I fix this?”

“There’s nothing to fix, Azriel… I never stopped hoping you’d come back. And I never stopped loving you, and I never will.”

I pulled back enough to look at her and found her smiling. I don’t think she’d ever looked as beautiful as she did right then, even in those ridiculous pink pajamas and tears in her eyes. And I said as much, which made her laugh.

“You’re silly,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said with a laugh. “I guess I am.”

Elain put her hands on my face and leaned forward, brushing her lips against mine. “Stay with me,” she whispered and kissed me again. 

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Aguinaldos are basically our folk music? It’s a gift to whoever we sing them to. My uncle actually showed up at my abuela’s playing guitar and singing. It was amazing. Here are a few so you can get an idea of what they sound like. 

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I’m going to try to update again tonight so tomorrow on Three King’s Day it’s all up but if not- Christmas doesn’t end till the middle of January lol