#relmo

Season One / 2x01 / 2x02 / 2x03 / 2x04 / 2x05

"You know what," Rad said, wiping a glob of Hastune Miku off her shirt. "If the multiversal court wants to hunt down and kill Beluga and Fuck, far be it from me to stop them."

She turned on her heel, flipping off Y/N. "Suck my sack."

Y/N's lip trembled at such a frequency that her nerdy glass shattered. Between the fact that there were shards of glass in her orbs, and that now Jason could never slowly and sensually take them off to reveal how she was secretly pretty, Y/N began to cry.

"Uh, Mom," Misp said, cerulean tears sinking into the holes in their Crocs. Y/N had already disappeared beneath a fountain of her tears, sparkling and shining so brightly that looking at them would permanently burn the retinas of any blonde named Jessica.

"Look kid, your grandparents are great, but they also suck, and I'm sick of bailing them out when they clearly do not want to be," Rad said, pushing the door of Y/N's room open. A wavelet of tears pushed Misp up next to Rad.

"Don't say that," Misp said. "Sure, they're... eccentric. And they hate taxes, and rules and society and having a conscience and doing good for the world, but like... I think it's a bit?"

"Imprisoning gods, breaking multiverse law, reanimating dead parrots to perform Mamma Mia... is a BIT?"

At that moment the wall behind them cracked and shattered outward, blasting Rad and Misp right out of the top floor of UWU Enterprises. The cringe landscape of the My Immortal Dimension spread out below them, and it was in that moment that they realized that the hills and valleys and rivers of limpid tears actually formed a perfect portrait of Gerard Way.

"Huh, that's neato burrito," Misp said, before gravity remembered to do its job and hurl them towards the cringe soil.

"Welp. This is annoying," Rad said, crossing her arms. "Is it still okay for me to blame Beluga and Fuck?"

"Can't blame them if we're dead," Misp said, eyeing the rapidly growing ground. "Cause like, we hit the ground and we're dead. Like dead."

"Nah, I'm immortal I'll be fine," Rad said, picking a congealed glob of Miku that had dried behind her ear. "The whole god thing?"

"Oh right! I forgot," Misp said. "I mean I'm not immortal, but it's chill you'll be fine."

About halfway down the length of UWU Enterprises, it finally clicked for Rad. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"Hm. If only someone could help us."

"Yeah."

"Someone like, oh, I don't know. A president?"

"A president?"

"Maybe? But I don't know any presidents."

"Girl you're not special, neither do I."

At that point, a rift in space and time opened up, a giant pickle slice rebounding off the side of UWU Enterprises. Something flew out of the rift on a jetpack, throwing two ropes to Misp and Rad. They held on, looking up at their savior.

"I know some presidents," Wombat said, the sun shining behind him, silhouetting his marsupial glory.

Season One / 2x01 / 2x02 / 2x03 / 2x04 / 2x05 / 2x06 / 2x07 / 2x08

Wombat did a double triple backflip frontflip and landed expertly on his marsupial toes. Rad was launched out of Ohio and slammed face first into the dusty road, but pushed off with sheer chin strength and righted herself, also striking an Epic Pose. Then Misp came tumbling through, about to form an Epic Pose, when they tripped on their Crocs that were still sticky with Grimace Shake. They smacked into their brother and mom, sending all three sprawling onto the ground.

"Misp you fucking dweebus," Womb groaned, struggling to his feet or paws or whatever. Rad rubbed her head, looking up.

"Where...when... are we?"

A giant election map dominated the sky, clouds proclaiming that putin was stepping down. A darkened town surrounded them, the remains of a former Superwholock empire. The distorted notes of Wendy Williams on the Masked Singer performing Native New Yorker echoed across the ruins.

"We're in November 5th, 2020," Womb said, glancing around at the empty houses. Misp screamed, pointing at something on the ground.

It was a piece of fishing tackle, left in the middle of the road. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be holding a pride flag. Misp walked toward it, eyes so wide they could make Y/N jealous. Just before they could grab it, Womb swatted it away.

"Hey!" Misp kicked Womb. "I was gonna get it."

"You don't want to touch that. I read about it in our grandparent's secret tomes," Womb said, pointing to another abandoned fishing lure further down the street that was wearing a rainbow sticker. "It's... oh god... it's queer bait."

"No!" Misp said, stepping back. "That can't be true! Queer bait isn't real!"

"It's very real," Rad said, kicking a stray queer bait into the shadows. "It caused the downfall of many an empire. You don't fuck with queer bait."

"As long as we steer clear of it, we should find everything we need to save Beluga and Fuck," Womb said. "We just need to build a bomb."

"FUCK YEAH! BOMB!" Misp shouted.

Womb pointed to the sky, "Every midnight, Castiel confesses his love to Dean, and this realm is briefly revived. If we harness all that energy, we can build a bomb big enough that Y/N will have to come to fix the damage herself. While she's distracted, we can find Bel and Fuck and bring them back to the estate."

"Or," Rad said, shrugging in her iconic pose. "We could just go home."

"But Mom..." Misp said. "I really wanted to build a destiel bomb. With womb. I mean also save my grandparents from having their atoms torn apart by Y/N, but mostly I wanted to build a bomb with womb, mom."

"Offspring, the queens and kings of the multiverse sing that oh fuck I can't rhyme that much, well actually, Author!Beluga can't cause he's shit at writing poetry on the spot," Rad said, shaking her head, but in fact, she was not dead, and her favorite color was not red, but she wished she could eat some bread, in bed, and then go to the fictional country from Brandon Sanderson's the Stormlight Archive, Jah Keved.

"...whut?"

Rad knelt down, and patten Misp's mushroom head. "If you want to save your grandparents, that's fine. I won't stop you from building a destiel bomb. But I'm not gonna help you either."

"But Mom, it's Beluga and Fuck," Womb said.

"Yes," Rad said. "They handled themselves before. They can handle themselves without our help."

She turned around, and opened a rift back to the Quarter Family estate. She turned back to her kids. Womb shook his head.

"I'm gonna help Womb with the Destiel Bomb, mom," Misp said. Rad nodded.

"Don't get queerbaited."

-------------------------------------------------

Rad walked back into the manor, her head hung. She had no idea how long she'd been gone, but hopefully Elmo hadn't--

"RAD!" She looked up to the ramparts of her estate and saw... Elmo.

Season One / 2x01 / 2x02 / 2x03 / 2x04 / 2x05 / 2x06 / 2x07

Beluga took another swig of blue milk, burping as he slammed his cup down on the counter.

"Another round, Glup Shitto!" Beluga warbled, raising a fin. Fuck drank the rest of their blue milk by spitting their stomach out of the bend in the 'U', absorbing the milk, and pulling their stomach back in, like a starfish.

Behind them, a wandering group of abandoned smut fics played the Glup Shitto's Cantina Theme, from the very not obscure radio broadcast adaptation of the, now Legends-only canon, limited release comic Glup Shitto's Cantina, the story of the original owner of the cantina from the Clone Wars Season Two Episode Eleven, "Lightsaber Lost," before Ahsoka visited it, Glup Shitto, who actually served Kit Fisto's parents the night they got engaged and eventually gave birth to Kit Fisto. That Glup Shitto.

Glup Shitto slammed two more cups of blue milk down in front of Beluga and Fuck, rolling all seven of his eyes.

"Now that's sixteen blue milks between the two of you," Glup Shitto glupped. "Will you keep that on your ongoing tab?"

"Of course baby girl," Fuck said, winking somehow. They leaned over to Beluga, "And he doesn't even know that a part of his backstory is that his mother, who's Bail Organa's great-great aunt, used to never pay her tab and that's why he has a soft spot for us."

"I cannot wait to see your Disney+ original show in a couple decades," Beluga said, starting his eighth glass of blue milk. Glup Shitto scoffed and moved on to his other customers.

If you asked most people how they were doing while being on the run from a slowly re-awakening pantheon of elder cringe gods, a pantheon that they had personally locked away out of pettiness, most would say they were having a rough time.

But Beluga and Fuck were actually having a fantastic time. Escaping Y/N had become quite easy when they realized that 1) Fuck was 2-dimensional and 2) The bars were actually Styrofoam, since Y/N was so petite and weak and she hadn't yet won over Jason to lift things heavier than .00000001 lbs for her. After that, it had been a quick rift-hop into one of the smallest, most hidden, most obscure corner of the cringeverse--Glup Shitto's Cantina.

"Fuck," Beluga said, suddenly feeling Very Real. "Are we like, bad parents? Like maybe we shouldn't have had kids?"

"We only have one kid and she adopted us," Fuck reminded Beluga. "She really should have thought that one through if she wanted parents so badly."

"But why did she choose us?" Beluga asked, hiccuping. "Do you think she subconsciously realized that we have beef with deities and being one herself it was in her best interest to make friends with us rather than potentially becoming a rival we could lock away behind the rift?"

Fuck blinked, somehow.

"Now I feel Very Real," Fuck said, extending their probuscus to drink more blue milk.

A hologram rang. Or chimed. Or whatever they do in Star Wars idk I'm not that much of a nerd. Glup Shitto answered.

"You're looking for... a weird looking cetacean with a big fucking forehead... and expletive capable of flight...last of their kind?" Glup Shitto shrugged with only three of his shoulders. Five of his eyes turned around to scan the bar.

"Wait a ballsack," Beluga said, tapping Fuck. "You're an expletive capable of flight and..."

Beluga reached his fins up to his melon. "Oh Goncharov. My forehead is really fucking big."

"HEY!" Beluga and Fuck jumped in their seat, Beluga spilling his milk. Glup Shitto stormed over, his legs, arms, eyes, and chins swinging. Beluga and Fuck grabbed each other, too lost in the blue milk sauce to rift-hop back into the wider cringeverse. Glup Shitto towered over them, spittle dripping from both mouths...

...then he walked right past them. Behind them, hidden in the shadows, a sperm whale with a swollen concussion and a Shit with a jetpack sat huddled at a table, with their hoods up. Glup Shitto grabbed them, laughing maniacally.

"No! Please!" the jet-packing Shit pleaded. "Everyone else on my planet is dead!"

Glup Shitto sauntered back to the bar, pausing in front of Fuck and Beluga. "Good news, kids. Once I hand these two over to the Cringe Council, the reward will finally get me enough money to pay off your tab. Funny how the cringeverse provides."

Glup Shitto strode past them, dragging two innocents to their peril. Better people would have told him he had the wrong suspects.

Season One / 2x01 / 2x02 / 2x03 / 2x04

Time did not move linearly, because it never does in Wet Sock. Yes the last episode was the Ides of March. Shut up. It's November 1st, and you know what happens on November--

"Author!Beluga can you shut up?!" Rad shouted, stabbing a femboy catgirl in a maid outfit. "Misp and I are trying to fight our way through UWU Enterprises right now, as we have been for the last SEVEN FUCKING MONTHS cause you can't write this story without a damn HIATUS."

"What was even happening last time Author!Beluga posted?" Misp asked, tripping the physical embodiment of the sound "nya."

C!Misp and C!Rad could not remember, but it had been an Ides of March episode where they killed Hatsune Mik--

"SHUT UP AUTHOR!BELUGA!"

A terrible crack echoed through the tower. Alarms blared out, piercing the air. The employuwuees ahead of them screamed in fear and ran past them, scrambling for the exit. Cold mist flowed down the hallway, chips of ice falling from higher floors.

A frantic Thomas Jefferson ran around the corner, shards of ice poking out of his chest. He grabbed Misp, sliding to the floor.

"We did everything we could uwu." He cried limpid tears. "I'm-I'm sorry. She... she breached containment. I... I should've... I should've been stronger... she's coming..."

"Who? Who is it?" Misp cried, grabbing Thomas Jefferson's face, the light dying from his eyes. She smacked it. No response.

A lilting voice echoed down the hall.

"I~I~I... don't want uhhhh LOT Fooorooor cHRIsmaàss."

Candy canes sprouted from the ground, the pastel walls became red, green, and wintry blue. Misp gasped, "No. Halloween was yesterday."

"Theeeeere is just one Thing, aIIaii Ne-eed."

"Nope." Rad threw her hands up, and turned her back. "Nope. Nope. Not today. Absolutely the fuck not."

"I DOn'T Care abOOUT The PRE-SeNTS. uuuUAUUnderneeth the Chri smas tre eee."

A light glowed at the end of the hallway, ice and snow billowing from its shine.

"I juuust want you for maiy Oh-own. moooOOAOOOAR than you could Eveur Know-ow."

She came into view, her red and white outfit even more terrifying than in pictures.

"Make my wish COOAMMe TRUUuuuuUUEUUEUEUUuuu. UWU."

Rad turned back around, slugging a rocket launcher over her shoulder. "Lemme take care of this."

Mariah Carey floated before mother and daughter, holiday cheer coursing through her veins and shining through her skin.

"AAAAAAAlLLL I wuaAANt, FO-or chuRismAAAaaAAaas... IiiIIIIiiiss....

The rocket launcher fired.

"You-ou-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Nothing remained, except a single shard of candy cane. The force of the blast had vaporized Mariah, breaking the bonds between the molecules making her up until she was nothing more than a cloud of indeterminate particles. The force and energy of the entire sun had been directed at at the elder god, her physical form utterly destroyed. Rad tossed aside the rocket launcher. "I hate that fucking song."

----------------------------------------------------------

Mariah Carey breaching containment had cleared the halls, so reaching Y/N's throne room was pretty easy. Misp almost missed stabbing Hatsune Mikus, but seeing Rad reduce Mariah Carey to mere atoms was pretty fun to watch. Like any elder god she would reform eventually, but at least they had until next November 1st to worry about her.

Rad kicked the door in at Y/N's throne room.

"H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hey," Y/N said, tucking her messy glossy brown hair that went down past her feet behind her ears. "Whowu are youwu? :3"

"We're here to post bail for Beluga and Fuck," Rad said. "We're willing to pay almost any price under $63."

"And 17 cents," Misp added.

"You have slain the demon Mariah Carey, and for that, your friends crimes shall be forgiven," Y/N said, looking up at the bird cages. "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait? Wh-wh-wh-wh-where are they?"

One bird cage hung intact, while the other looked like it had been chewed open. Jackie Kennedy had locked her jaw on one of the bars, furiously snacking.

"They must have--oh no, I'm such a ditz! I left the Jacky Kennedy's in here for one second and-- Y/N began to cry from her orbalescent orbs. She grabbed her iPod touch with a teal case and spoke into it, activating the loudspeaker system.

"Uwu! I know I'm not like other girls, and I know Jason hasn't noticed me yet, but the multiversal criminals Beluga and Fuck have breached containment and must be hunted down and eliminated from existence. PS Jason I'm a better singer than Becky."

"Ohhhh, the episode title was one of those double meaning things," Misp said, nodding. "Love it when they do that."

The author was thankful that c!Misp appreciated his title.

Part One / Part Two / Wom’s Chapter / Part Three/ Wom 2 / Part Four/Part Five / Part Six / Wom 3 / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Wom 4 / Part 10

PREVIOUSLY ON WET SOCK...

“Oh shit,” he said. “Fuck I don’t think we were supposed to let Elmo in.”

“Ohh, right,” Fuck said, their edible also hitting.

“What do you mean ‘not supposed to let Elmo in?’” Rad asked, balling her fists. “What is going on?”

“Well, our musical number got interrupted,” Beluga said. “And the world’s gonna end.”

{insert catchy but mysterious intro}

"The world's gonna end?" Rad asked, raising an eyebrow. Her multicolored orbs watered. "uwu."

"okay but why" Elmo queried.

"Well, we didn't want to tell you this," Beluga said, "but Elmo is--

"Beluga, you're supposed to be in character," Fuck hissed, smacking him with their wing.

"How am I supposed to do that?" Beluga asked.

"Like this," Fuck declared. Their feathers were always messy, but it made them so hot. Everyone at school stayed clear of them, but Y/N couldn't get her mind off of them. But every time Y/N tried to talk to Fuck, she always ended up tripping or dropping something or embarrassing herself.

"Got it," Beluga giggled, his 64 pack glistening with sexy sweat. "Am I doing it right?"

"Close enough," Fuck seethed.

"hey can you tell us what's happening" Elmo said. "i have an appointment with a hot vampire lady with a heart of gold in like an hour. weve been meeting for like fifty chapters and we just made charged eye contact for the first time."

"WAIT I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE?!?!?!" Rad shrieked, tears streaming cutely down her face.

"I'm so sorry babe," Elmo said, running a hand through her black, red, and blue hair that went all the way down to her mid back also she was wearing purple lipstick that matched her violet eyes. "Forgive me."

"Okay whatevs uwu i'll take you back"

"What the HELL is going on here?" Misp shouted, standing in the doorway with a tray of cookies. (AN misp doesn't know that everyone is doing the wattpad thing).

"We're ignoring the lore to dive into a very one-dimensional love story written with noticeably bad grammar and punctuation, stilted prose, impossibly perfect characters and inconsistent plots. Writing like this is of course an important step that most writers go through, as it allows them to explore their creativity and learn the basics of writing. The trouble only comes when a writer is unable to mature past this stage," Beluga said. "Or something idk lol (AN stop telling me this is OOC! This is just my interpretation of the character OWO)

"Is that why you have a 64 pack that glistens in the sun and Fuck's feathers are messy but perfect and Elmo is in a love triangle with our mom and a hot vampire lady?" Misp asked, slowly transforming into the older sibling in high school who is good at sports and popular. "What about Womb?"

"My parents sold him to One Direction for drinking money," Rad said, crying cutely again. Her perfect mascara didn't run down her face tho (AN in this universe mascara doesn't run).

Rad suddenly dropped all of her books. "Oh my gosh I'm so clumsy."

"It's okay, our mom has depression ever since our Dad mysteriously disappeared," Misp said, popping the collar on her varsity jacket.

"Thank you older sibling who is cool and popular," Rad said. "Hey, have you seen Y/N?"

"Y/N?" Misp asked, looking at the camera. "I do see Y/N. Right there."

Rad, and everyone else, looked at the camera. "We see you."

They see Y/N. Y/N can see them. All of them.

"W̷̢̤̲̗̘̝̺̅̒͆̐̋̽Ę̷͉̬͖̝̤̇̽̃̚͝ ̶̡̜͕̳̄̐́̌̃͑ͅS̸͚̘͙͖͗̾̈́̒̆̒̔͌͝͝ͅẺ̵̲͎͎̦́̆͛̕Ȇ̷͔̣̲̦̤̟̙͌͐͋̾͜ ̸̡͇̟͓͎̏̄̾͛Y̷̠̏̽̈̍̋̌̎̚Ȏ̵̢̢͖̜͓̜̩̺̱͉͐̽̈́̍̌̿̚͝͝Ų̸̺͙̝́ ̶̡̟̙̙̱͈̿͐̇̅̇̊̀̚͠Ŷ̴̺̄̈́͐̄̑̒̈́̈́̕/̸̢͈̘̽̽Ṅ̵̢͎͈̣͙̝͔̙̋̎́͗́̀̂"

"Okay, okay, this is getting too weird and meta," Beluga said, smacking the wall and breaking the Wattpad spell. "We need to get back to the plot."

"Oh yeah," Rad said. "Something about the world ending?"

"Yeah that," Fuck said. "It doesn't have to. But it could."

Part One / Part Two / Wom’s Chapter / Part Three/ Wom 2 / Part Four/Part Five / Part Six / Wom 3 / Part Seven / Part Eight / Part Nine / Wom 4 / Part 10 / Part 11

"What just happened to them?!" Elmo shouted, pointing at where Fuck and Beluga had just been.

"The universe finally got tired of their bullshit," Misp said, shrugging. "And now it seems to have... done away with them."

"But what about what they were saying about the apocalypse?" Elmo asked. "And stopping it? Isn't that important?"

"Look, Beluga and Fuck, as much as we love them... well they find it really fun to piss off the universe by breaking its rules," Rad said. "You know, like changing the whole genre of reality when they're bored, cheating death simply by saying "no thanks, have a nice day," reanimating dead parrots to perform the hit Broadway musical and later motion picture Mamma Mia, stitching up holes in reality that threaten to change everything we know and love into something we could never recognize as our true world, being too hot, shoplifting, that kind of stuff."

"So where are they?" Elmo asked. "Shouldn't we go... rescue them?"

"Where are they?" Misp scoffed. "They're probably dead."

"How can they be dead? Aren't they gods?" Elmo asked. Rad's eyes went wide.

"Elmo... there aren't any more gods. They may be powerful, but they're mortal," Rad said. How could Elmo not know that there weren't any more gods? Except for Rad, of course.

"No more... gods?" Elmo asked. "But-

"ANYWAY," Misp interrupted, "if the universe wanted to kill Beluga and Fuck, it could. They're not gods, they're not integral to the fabric of the universe, so it can do whatever it wants with the two of them without harming itself."

"That's a shame," Elmo said. "I can't believe the universe would just get rid of two people like that. It could have learned so much from them. I mean, if I were the universe, I'd just kidnap them, interrogate them, learn everything they've learned in their long lives, and then kill them."

"It doesn't really matter, does it?" Rad asked. "If Beluga and Fuck need our help, Beluga can just write us wherever he needs us to go."

Suddenly, blood began to drip down the wall, oozing out of the crease with the ceiling. The viscous ooze began to curl into wobbly letters.

"What's happening?" Elmo asked, jumping away from the wall.

"Oh my fucking god," Rad groaned. "Beluga is sending us a message when he absolutely does NOT have to."

The blood was drying, permanently staining over the old messages written on the wall long ago.

"What does it say?" Elmo asked, reaching out with a shaky hand.

The blood had formed a single, terrifying word:

"B O O B S"

"What does it mean?" Elmo whimpered.

"Look's like whatever prison Beluga and Fuck are being held in, they've gotten their form of a phone call," Rad said. "And they're using it to prank call us."

"This does give us a clue though," Misp said, pointing to the word. "This might help us narrow down exactly which celestial prison is holding the two of them captive."

"I... oh it's been so long..." Elmo said, closing her eyes. "I can't remember..."

"You won't have to," Rad said, narrowing her eyes. She'd noticed a small smudge of blood towards the bottom of the message. "I know exactly where this is coming from."

She pointed to the smaller inscription:

"Blood message sent via UWU Enterprises tm"

"Oh no," Misp said. "It can't be."

"It can," Rad said, grabbing a can of beans. "The universe didn't take Beluga and Fuck captive. It was a god. An old god."

They were supposed to all be gone. One had evidently gotten loose, and now it had her kind of parents.

"Who?" Elmo asked, backing away.

"Y/N."