#relationshipptsd

I slept better than I have in weeks after fleeing another violent, screaming, frothing-at-the-mouth man. 🚩#1.

And, the dreams didn’t plague me. Last night validated my belief in myself & my trust in my gut. Things were thrown. 🚩#2.

There was yelling. 🚩#3.

Physical obstruction. 🚩#4.

I had to call 911. 🚩#5

(Hats off to them. I hung up when I was mercifully allowed to back away from the danger; but they called me right back to make sure I was ok.)

I keep attracting these irreparably broken, violent & obsessive men. There must be something my body or behavior emits that attracts them to me (or perhaps me to them). I think this is the root of the problem. Until I figure out what invisible beacon blazes from my chest to the skies-I’m doomed to repeat this cycle.

I’m proud of myself for remaining absolutely calm, not returning any of that shit energy. I took it all in (undeservingly) & have thought on it, heavily.

My conclusion is that it’s everything I don’t want, wrapped in a package that obsessively tries to convince me I don’t see what I’m seeing. 🚩#6

A person who obsessively tries to force/demand me to believe they aren’t obsessed & unhinged (weirdly enough). 🚩#7

Those tricks just don’t work on me anymore. When people show me who they are - I believe them.

I’m going to have to figure out how to democratically back away from an insane, obsessive person who quite literally insanely & obsessively insists they aren’t insane or obsessive.....and hand to God - they do not see the irony in this. 🚩#8

The entire situation last night would have never occurred if I’d been listened to right away.

I wasn't. So, I removed myself. Sadly, instead of simply being left to my own devices, I was followed. 🚩#9.

Again, I asked: Leave me alone, please.

The response I met was enduring 20 minutes of pleading & demands (as if anyone who didn’t create me has the right). 🚩#10.

I repeated my request & it was repeatedly ignored. 🚩#11.

I then stated the 2 remaining choices: I am left alone (or) I leave. I was not left alone.....however, mind-numbingly, the choice left was still somehow presented as “shocking” by the chooser. 🚩#12

I’ve never been able to understand why men steadfastly refuse to believe or accept that when I make a statement; that statement is followed by action. I’ve never been a game player. If I offer 2 choices & 1 choice is made, my action follows the remaining choice, accordingly. I do what I say, 100% of the time.

Despite leaving, as that was the choice made, Despite my original requests:

Stop.

Leave me alone.

I have 15 missed calls on my phone. 🚩#13.

8 unanswered text messages. 🚩#14

I responded this morning with yet another request to

Just.

Stop.

To which I received 7 more text messages. 🚩#15

To the normal, average functioning brain, this is unfathomable. There are actual human beings out there who think that “stopping” & “getting yourself back in check” & “leaving me alone” is defined by 15 phone calls & 15 text messages.... all asserting, shockingly, that this is them “stopping.” That “they were just asking* for a favor” (*Yelling). Completely overlooking that all this started by me “asking for a favor” that was declined. 🚩#16

Then I asked a second “favor” after removing myself. It was also declined. Numerous times. 🚩#17.

But, in typical fashion, I’m supposed to immediately rewind & be understanding that I should do the favors being yelled at me over & over & over & over & over & over, because that’s how it’s supposed to work, right? The woman’s requests are ignored & the man’s request is granted despite that, because I’m just misunderstanding a very clear situation. I just don’t live in that world anymore.

I’m told “I’m the only release to work stress” (🚩#18) & the irony, again, chokes me. A whole, complete person doesn’t rely on other people to fix their problems. I was relied upon to do the fixing until there wasn’t a shred of life left in my soul. And now, here I sit. Feeling reminiscent as hell. 🚩#19

Again, I have someone trying to make ME feel like a spendthrift after my saying early on - “Hey, we just did vacation. I’m exhausted. You could just save the money.” But - I was not heard or respected. 🚩#20

I wanted to rest. I had no interest in spending. Still over & over & over & over (unwaveringly obsessive behavior) it’s repeated: Non-refundable. Non-refundable. Non-refundable. Non-refundable. (Definition: guilt trip. guilt trip. guilt trip.) 🚩#21

I may feel guilty if it were my idea. I might feel bad if I hadn’t warned I’m too tired. I’d possibly feel shitty if I hadn’t reminded the spender we’d just spent (likely) too much. I may have felt troubled had I not contributed my rent payment (which isn’t a lot compared to the amount spent; but IS a lot to me). Yet again, in classic fashion, my pleas were ignored. So, also in typical fashion - I feel nothing. I don’t feel guilt because I did the right thing. I don’t feel guilt because that would be feeling something.

I have to escape this.

This will never, ever stop. And, I’ve known that for quite some time. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I have to escape this.

It’s difficult when the people around you are obviously requesting some sort of comfort, yet acting like they aren’t (which I see as pathetic); but they know you’re dead inside & have nothing to offer.

Today he asked for help. STILL asking for help. After 8 months. After everything. I want to SCREAM:

ASK YOUR SWINGER, JIZZJAR OF A NEW G/F FOR HELP!!!!!!!!! Oh, right. She’s likely only good at/for 1 thing & being a solid, contributing member to your life isn’t it.

But what would that solve? What would that do? Would it reset time & give me back the life I deserve? Would I want my real life back knowing I’d have to walk through it with my eyes firmly clenched, knowing deviant shit was going on I couldn’t control & didn’t deserve, knowing I’d be risking my health every single day, knowing how many ppl were worrying about me?

I don’t have the answer to that, despite the answer seeming obvious. That’s how much I miss my lifestyle. My life partner? No. Not at all. But the lifestyle? I can’t even think of it without my guts churning.

Usually when a person with severe relationship PTSD explains the trauma based baggage they carry; people either understand & adjust - or go their own way.

I’m dealing (poorly) with cyclical false claims to understand/adjust; peppered with immediate persecution for inadvertent, trauma-driven behavior. It’s retarding my healing instead of assisting it.

I’m so depressed. I feel like it has come in waves and right now it has hit me so hard. I’m not able to afford my life or take care of myself financially. I hate my jobs. I hate that I can’t find a position as an art teacher. I hate that the men who broke my heart are doing better than me. (I can only pray they go bald soon).

My friends and I are on different schedules so I’m alone majority of the time.

My boyfriend is working twice as hard just so we can function.

I’m alone and poor and I hate that this is my life.