Have you ever had that thought where you wished you were in someone else's shoe? Wishing that you were as happy or successful or smart as someone else that you know? Well for me, for the longest time I finally want to admit that.... I do.
Browsing through my facebook news feed is just as painful as I am happy knowing the current lives of my friends and people that I used to know or barely know. It presents me the pictures, statuses and videos of their eventful lives, achievements, relationships, families, smiles, and everything sweet and honey-like. And like a possessive girlfriend or boyfriend to a partner, I crave to know what is happening in their lives whilst at the same time, I wish I didn't know. Because realising that those people you used to laugh with, tell stories with, and live with, their worlds can still and will still revolve without you.
Regret and jealousy always come together with it. I find myself thinking that I want to be in pisay, finish that 4 year scholarship, get to UP and have as much fun and achievements as everyone I see. I find myself wishing that I could have a special someone just like the friends and the people who had problems I used to hear and console. I caught myself wishing I had that big group of high school friends and the childhood elementary school friends that I could have invited to my 18th, have catch up sessions with every now and then, maybe go to the same university and courses. I caught myself yearning to be with my family again, with my cousins, my aunts and my lola during birthdays, Christmas, Lenten season, New Year, my first day to uni, when my exam results are released, my last day of high school, my graduation day. I caught myself yearning to be able to visit my grandpas at their graves during All Soul's Day, their birthdays and their death anniversaries.
Despite all that I have achieved in this country and every single second I've spent making the best out of this blessing, no matter what I do, I'm tired of denying of the hole in my heart that's left. It's not the same as losing someone forever and knowing you will never see them again. But the pain is still there. And it's just as painful wishing for something you can't ever have back or experience again. I came to Australia thinking a new life is full of excitement and adventure and the 'first times' again. But then I realised how incredibly true what Barney Stinson has said, "Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends (and family) are there to see it."
