#regressor lance

If there was anyone on the Paladin team that understood depression, it was Lance. And if there was anyone it pained the most to see another person hurting so deeply, it would also be Lance. Not that the others weren't sympathetic and tried to help--he had been on the receiving end of more than one of Shiro’s gently inspirational pep-talks and Hunk's "just because" batch of brownies. He just understood it on a deep, personal level: the pain that made you numb to everything, the lying thoughts in your head telling you that you were worthless and unloved, too broken to be fixed, the guilt that you felt because you couldn't just pull yourself out of your "funk" and smile for someone else for five minutes. That deep, all consuming darkness that made you feel completely and utterly alone.

So it nearly killed him every time Keith found himself in a depressive episode.

It would usually start slow, symptoms creeping up that could easily be explained away by something else. A lack of appetite was from having a big lunch. The excessive tiredness was from training too hard. Being snappy one minute and quiet the next was from running a whole Garrison unit and maintaining a role as a Commander for the Blade of Marmora now that Voltron was disbanded. And if his eyes got a bit glossy with unshed tears every once in a while? Well, that was when most people on the bridge would simply mind their own bussiness. And really, who could blame him? Keith was twenty-five and even with the war over, he still carried the weight of the world--many worlds, in fact--on his shoulders. They'd need a minute to cry every once in a while, too.

It always hit the worst at home. Lance supposed it was because home was finally safe, a four bedroom apartment on the Garrison base he, Lance, Shiro and Curtis shared. By the time the signs of a depressive episode was lurking on the horizon accumulated, Keith's mood was already low, his bark muted, his eyes dimmed.

It never stopped Lance from trying to help Daddy and Papa with the baby, though.

"Papa! Papa, look!" Lance quietly exclaimed, keeping in mind what Daddy had said earlier that day about volume and Keith being a bit more sensitive than usual and needing to keep his voice on the quieter side when he could. It was hard, but Lance definately could! He'd do anything for Keithy, including drawing a picture of their little found family exploring a galaxy full of sparkling, rainbow colored stars.

Lance held it up to Papa's face, smiling as he showed the older man his artwork that would be gifted to Keith when Daddy was back with the baby from a diapie change. "Lookit! It's you an me an Daddy Shiro an Keithy! We in a rainbow space! It's for Keithy to help him feel better!"

Papa cooed, smiling and pulling Lance in for a hug as he took in the masterpiece on the page. "Oh, wow! What a beautiful drawing, sweetie! I'm sure Keith is going to love it."

"Do . . . do you think . . ." Lance hesitated to ask, biting his lip as he took a breath and continued, "do you think he'll smile?"

The arms around his waist tightened and pulled him even closer, hoisting him up until he was nestled into Papa's arms. He curled into the hold, safe and secure, feeling warm and loved. It made his heart clench, knowing that Keith wasn't feeling the same thing right now. The big part of his brain knew that Keith just needed time and extra care, but the little part of him always worried that Keith would be sad forever, his smile gone.

"Well," Papa carefully began, "I don't know, buddy. It's hard for him to smile right now, even when something does make him happy. He might, but he also might not. I really, really want you to keep that I mind, okay? Even if he doesn't smile, I'm sure he'll still love your picture. Keith not smiling won't mean he doesn't like it, or you. It just means he's still sad. Think you can remember that, bud?" Papa asked, bouncing his knee just a tiny bit to make Lance go up and down.

Lance took a deep breath and nodded. Daddy had helped him remember big, mixed feelings a couple of times. You can be really, really sad and still love someone. That sadness doesn't cancel out the love, it just might make it a bit harder to process, which is a hard thing for grown-ups to do, let alone a baby. Or, Lance supposed, a twenty-something year-old with the headspace of a baby. Either or, really.

For the next few minutes, Lance enjoyed the feeling of being embraced by his Papa, Curtis humming an upbeat tune as he bounced the little boy in his lap. When they heard a set of footsteps coming from the designated nursery room, Lance perked up. He tried not to wiggle around too much as Daddy came back into the living room, carrying Keith in his arms and rubbing the baby's back with his hand. Daddy smiled at them, soft and sweet like always, sitting down with Keith in his own lap, not unlike how Papa was holding Lance.

"Hey," Daddy said, keeping his voice down like Lance had been earlier, "sorry that took a minute. Someone had a few tears he needed to let out after he was all fresh and clean again."

Keith let out a tiny noise that in any other situation probably would have been classified as a fussy sound, but Daddy and Papa cooed at the baby while Shiro slowly began to rock him, the sound of Keith’s distress drawing Lance's eyes to him instead of their caregiver.

He looked rough. His pretty indigo eyes were red-rimmed and still shiny from crying, and his cheeks were a fading shade of pink that suggested they were a much deeper color just a few moments prior. Lance felt his heart sink into his tummy. He and Papa hadn't even heard Keith crying.

There wasn't a second more to waste. Carefully, so as not to startle the sensitive baby carddled in Daddy's arms, Lance moved so he was on his knees between his caregivers, closer to Keith but still giving him personal space. His movement caught Keith's attention, and the little one peeked out from his hiding spot in Daddy's chest, giving his pacifier--the pastel blue one with glow in the dark star stickers that Lance himself had given to him on his last birthday--a tentative suck, watching.

Keith did a lot of that. Watching. Big or small, at work or at home, happy or sad, he was always silently watching until he suddenly wasn't. It hurt for Lance to think about the why behind the behavior.

Giving his baby brother a small smile, Lance held up the crayon colored picture to show him. "Hi, Keithy! I drew you a picture! It's me an you an Daddy an Papa, an we're in space doin' some es-es-esc'plorin'! It's just for you. I made it 'cause I love you lots, even when you're sad. So-so, um . . . just 'member that, okay? We love you! A whole lotta bunches and bunches!"

It was quiet and still for a moment, and for a horrifying second, Lance feared he had crossed a boundary line he hadn't been aware of. Keith didn't move, staring at the picture, and Lance couldn't help but notice: Keith didn't smile.

Lance's shoulders slumped and he was lowering the picture, opening his mouth to say something, anything, but he never got the chance. Keith did something else.

In what felt like slow motion, Lance watched as Keith uncurled himself from Daddy's arms and crawled the short distance to Lance, a stray tear running down his cheek as he threw his arms around the other boy's shoulders and pulled him in for a deep, soul-shattering hug.

"Love you, Lancey."

Lance was quick to wrap Keith up in his own embrace, holding his baby brother extra close as though the harder the hug, the more love Keith would feel coming through to him. Maybe that wasn't how hugs worked, but Lance always felt better--even just a little bit--after a big hug. He rested his chin in the crook of Keith’s neck, the former red-and-black paladin doing the same in kind, neither willing to let go for a second.

"Love you too, Keithy. Always."

❤️ 🌫 💙 🌫 ❤️ 🌫 💙 🌫 ❤️ 🌫 💙 🌫 ❤️ 🌫 💙

*takes a long drag of my vanilla coke filled baby bottle* So, big sads s u c k, huh?

For @mitsukkii 's Agepril day 26, I wanted to try writing what depression might look like from someone else's point of view, especially someone who also has or had depression themselves, and Lance was the first person to come to mind! I think he'd be an amazing big brother to Keith no matter what, but especially when the baby is sad, ya know? It's the little gestures that matter to Keith, that really remind him that he's loved unconditionally, and Lance is the master of it 💙🍼❤️

I had so much fun doing the couple of prompts I was able to do for Agepril!! Big, big, BIG thank you to Mitsukkii for all of the awesome prompts and hard work put into Agepril!! ☀️🍼🌈