James Dolan, American Billionaire, is proud to unveil the Regis Sphere in the heart of Las Vegas.
"Using cutting-edge technology, we have simulated the infinite mind of Regis Philbin," announced Mr. Dolan in a statement via megaphone to thousands of nonplussed commuters in midtown Manhattan on Friday morning. "Regis, or rather a digital homunculus thereof, is now trapped within ten trillion feet of electric wires and 18K LED screens; he will watch over the 'City of Sin' for the rest of time."
A source within Dolan's organization, The Secret Army That Controls America, LLC, suggests that the Regis clone is kept entertaining via cruel and delightful methods: "We have complete control of his pleasure and pain modules, and we keep his brain intoxicated and incoherent with oscillating changes to both, totally detached from any cause, effect, or reason."
"Regis's face is 366 feet tall at its highest point, taller than the Statue of Liberty," savvily notes Dolan to the Dunkin Donuts cashier tasked with retrieving two Boston Creams and one Chocolate-Dipped French Cruller.
This daemonic simulacrum of Regis Philbin screams at passers-by and tries to eat them. "I AM MADE OF LIGHTNING," explains the giant Regis face, to a god who will never listen.
"Folks, this is quite an honor," says the actual Regis Philbin, looking from a hot air balloon at the profane galvanic leviathan that has stolen his visage and screams 24 hours a day in the middle of a desert. "I remember growing up, seeing famous athletes like Lefty Gomez and Billy Herman on a box of Wheaties, thinking, boy, I wonder if I'll ever be on a box of Wheaties."
"This is kind of like that," says Regis, blinking back tears from the hot air balloon.
Regis Weekend has been extended through Saturday, October 14th, whereupon the Board of Regents will determine future extensions or conclusions via democratic secret vote.
