#reflectionsof

Nightmares which can send me into a world of pain.  I can lose my mission statement of arting out pain and succumb to the waves of the ache.  I despair in song momentarily, perhaps enough to make people stay from me.  Good, perhaps they should and need to.  Because the me that cares relentlessly can always be found.  I need consistent massage, and I am working on that.

Quit things in complete non-communicative ways.  Like a course on teaching composition and Linguistics.  Did I have reasons of doing such?  Well, there aren't adequate reasons for such a failure to communicate.

Written nearly 1000 poems.  (Still Transcribing polishing and publishing in 2014).  It began as a goal of 365.  I was tired of being so silent and internal... so I thought I would write things down.  I was inspired by Early American Literature and heart ache and heart break and... pain.  And then non-emotional me centered things too... like gardening... and new interests of affection, and friendships...  there is dark diversity, Poe'ud be proud'a me!

Sketched each day in Autumn:  Just a stickish memory but something to keep track of me and what I see, what I XP.  On a couple days I sketched ahead and on a couple days I fell behind... but it was a good thing to do.  I want to develop these more... color them with markers!

This year I have succeeded at handling loss and failure through creativity entirely.  I have learned how to be me, how to have a voice and live presently.  I have learned when I believed myself incapable due to my own desire to die after heartbreak and a fall I recklessly didn't believe within.  I have learned that with the help of a friend.  With the help of a few friends.  With the loss of more than a few friends.  Good things can be.  I do mend.

I have learned when to say nothing and why not to shout.

I have learned when to say something and why to not question or doubt myself.  I have slip ups now and then.  Especially in regards to my own creation.

This year I have expressed myself creatively and consistently for the first year in my 30 years (though I have created throughout my existence).  I am happy for this year and thrilled for a new year.  I will push the fracking fears and the exploitation nightmares aside, do yoga as I should, eat the gluten-free  mostly sugar free way I gotta to be healthy and I will learn to have a great year. 

What does a great year look like for me?  My Family Whole and Off, A floor to buy to pay my time, A home for my furry companions, A Visit to A Sunflower State friend, A proper planned flight from poverty, A happy creative working me.