#redundant.

I wish everyone who celebrates a delightful Pride Month; may all of you feel loved and accepted.

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It's been said many times that the definition of "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. And while I'm pretty sure it's not actually the definition, it certainly makes a good point. I keep doing the same thing, expecting him to change, which is making me insane. In fact, I've done some insane things because of it, so I completely agree with the statement. But rather than state the obvious, it would be much more helpful if someone told me how to cure this madness. I suppose there's just, "stop" but since when has insanity been a voluntary thing? This weekend I let my past violently collide with my present. The part of my past I swore I would keep there, just like I've sworn it dozens of times before. I don't care to count how many times I've said, "I'm done" only to fall right back in to it. And I can't seem to figure out why I keep letting it happen. I've never been one who is drawn to pain; I don't believe I purposefully punish myself, and yet, that's the best way to describe what I'm doing by constantly letting him in my life. I wonder if I am still in love with him. My instincts say yes, but truthfully, that just doesn't make sense. I say that because it has gotten to a point where I am not surprised by anything he does. I know his routines, I know his tricks-- I let him do them constantly. I'd love to say that I'm not hurt by them, but I can't. However, I can say that I've come to expect it and may be a bit numb to it. For instance, how he kept his visiting me a secret. It's certainly interesting how he updates his Facebook on everything from what's on TV to how many green teas he had, but he was very careful not to mention me or Park City for a whole weekend and he conveniently deleted comments people made that might cause others to think we were together. But that is so him: to spend time with me, tell me I'm beautiful, tell me he's so happy to be with me, to want to hold me all night, and give me little kisses and hold my hand all day, to brainstorm ways to give up everything and move to Park City to start over, and to do it all in secret so that a handful of other girls he's currently flirting with won't know about me or question him on my significance. It's odd, because we really did have a great weekend. No fights, no arguments, just fun. But now that he's gone, it's like the wool has been lifted. Now that I don't have his charms, his smooth talking, and his comfortable smell hypnotizing me, now that I'm sitting and reflecting, I'm not mad, I'm not sad. I'm just, I don't know. I guess I'm disappointed that he just won't change. I think it's possible for people to change, but he just won't. But what really confuses me, causes me to can dizzy lost in thought is trying to figure out why. Why does he text me out of the blue to tell me he misses me? Why does he Skype me because he just has to see me? Why can't he let me be gone, let me move on? And more importantly, why do I let him? Maybe people can't change, because clearly, I haven't. He kept talking about looking into transferring to Park City, but I don't believe he would move here to be with me. I think he would want to move here to start over, maybe he thinks that if I can do it, he can do it. But if that's the case, then why not choose a place that's not here? He can start over anywhere. I left Tucson so that I could separate myself from this situation, my attempt at changing, so him moving here, and not moving here to be with me, would lead me to do the same things, I'm sure, settling for the part of him that I could have, when he'd let me have it. He'd never stop talking to whatever girls he's stringing along in Tucson, he'd never stop "networking" with new girls in this city. I know he's not capable of loving me completely and faithfully, so why is it that I keep letting him come around, if I know there is no future for us? I have way more questions than answers, and no hope of solving anything because there's just no rationality to this whole mess. I won't say "I'm done" again, because I know better. But I can be hopeful that I can be strong enough to figure out just what is happening, why it is happening, and how I'm going to let it effect my life. I'm scared of it's impact because I literally can't picture myself with anyone else. I can't picture myself with him, either. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship. What does that mean? After Courtney, after Zach, I just don't seem to have any interest investing anytime in anyone else, and it doesn't feel like that feeling will ever go away. Here's to hoping that if I meet someone this whole thing won't prevent me from being happy, that it will make me cautious, not closed off. Time to try and turn it all off and move forward.

Hot tea is hot.

BlackSheep: Best. Answer. Ever.

WHAT?!!?!