#redla

Right after high school comes college. And before you go to college, of course you have to undergo some processes. Some schools only require students to enroll but for the top universities, you will have to apply before you can take an admission test and enroll once you pass the test.

Everybody wanted to go to the top universities so as early as 3 months before our high school graduation, we were all busy filling out application forms and reviewing for entrance exams. Most of my classmates applied for University of the Philippines, the top university…in the Philippines. Yeah it sounds quite redundant but that’s really the name of that university. I thought about censoring it by putting a fictitious school name but it won’t make sense because it’s so obvious I know you’ll be able to guess the real school name right away so there.

– ISKOLAR NG BAYAN –

UP is actually a state university so it’s under the government and not a private institution. Having that said, it also means UP students only have to pay a smaller amount compared to others since the government pays for most part of the tuition fee using the taxes. That’s why UP students are called “Iskolar ng Bayan” or scholars of the country, same with the students from other state universities like Polytechnic University of the Philippines (PUP) and many more.

If you think it’s like a scholarship for the poor but intellectually gifted students, you’re right but since it’s the top performing school in the entire country, even rich kids want to study in UP. But of course you have to prove that you’re worthy to become a UP student. That means you have to pass the entrance exam. And not only that, the passing score depends on the location of the UP campus where you want to study. Since Quezon City and Manila are the most populated areas in the Philippines, UP Diliman set the highest passing score that you need to obtain before you can enroll, followed by UP Manila and other UP campuses in other parts of the Philippines.

If you think that’s hard enough, there’s another twist: If the course you want to take up is a “quota course”, that means there is only a limited number of students that they can accommodate, so to make sure you can make it, you need to get a high score. If you chose a quota course and got the passing score for your desired UP campus but didn’t make it to the quota, you will either be placed on the waiting list or the bye-bye list. But it’s very rare that people who get placed on the waiting list eventually get accepted. Most of the time it still ends up being bye-bye for both. Pretty hurts huh.

I knew I wasn’t intelligent enough to pass the UP College Admission Test (UPCAT) but during that time, although I wanted to go to college and finish my studies, I wasn’t interested in looking for other schools because I still didn’t know what course to take up in college. Since everyone applied for UP, I also filled out the form for UP.

– COURSE AND CHOICE OF CAMPUS –

I knew I wanted to become either a doctor or a journalist, but I thought even if I studied in UP, the expenses would still be high because come on. Medicine. When I thought about being a journalist, I knew I wasn’t good enough for that course. Anyway I still chose a pre-med course as my first choice and journalism as my 2nd choice. Funniest thing of all? I chose UP Diliman as my 1st choice of campus and UP Manila as my 2nd choice. And again, I knew I was being too ambitious but then again, I didn’t care that much about passing or failing during that time. I thought that if I falied I would just look for another school. As simple as that.

Since most of my classmates were rich kids, some of them even went to review centers and paid a huge amount for that. Well, my friends found a free college entrance exam review center so they invited me to join them every weekend. But I went there not because I was serious about UPCAT but rather because I simply wanted to be with my friends.

– STRUGGLE OF RECOGNIZING PEOPLE –

It was actually an awesome experience because the volunteer instructors were nice, friendly and funny and they provided everything we needed–good learning environment, review materials, and new friends from other schools. Don’t ask me who they are though. My short-term memory makes it hard for me to remember people’s names and faces. One time while “Lyn” and I were waiting for a jeep to ride home somebody waved at us. Well I didn’t recognize the person so I thought she was only waving at Lyn and I didn’t wave back. I was surprised when Lyn hit me with her elbow and told me I was being rude. I asked her why and she said the girl was one of our fellow reviwees at the center. I still didn’t recognize her though.

But I recognized another person we bumped into. It was The Third One. I pretended I didn’t see The Third One because I thought The Third One had already forgotten about me as it’s been too long since the last time we’ve seen each other. But I was wrong. The Third One looked me in the eyes and smiled at me the moment our eyes met, and The Third One seemed to be just as delighted and surprised as I was since we didn’t expect to see each other again. What a small world indeed. I never thought The Third One will go to the same review center. The Third One then said “Hey,” and I said the same thing. The Third One still seemed to be the nice and intelligent and good-looking person I have known when I was in grade 5, only more good-looking and less shy. It was awkward but it became more awkward when The Third One tapped the other person beside The Third One and introduced me. From “more” awkward it became “most” awkward when I heard The Third One tell the other person a lot of stuff like I was the most intelligent student in our class and that I was very nice as they walked the other way. I wanted to shout, “No I wasn’t!” at the other person but I didn’t want to catch a lot of attention from other people so I just walked the other way in embarrassment and pretended I didn’t hear anything.

– DOREEN –

No. We’re not going to talk about a girl named Doreen.

It was a hot day so when we had our lunch break, my friends & I searched around for cold drinks. We found a small cafeteria which sold meals and soda but the weather was so hot the soda didn’t satisfy us. Good thing we saw a man selling ice scramble so we bought it.

If you don’t know what ice scramble is, go back to your planet again. Jk it’s composed of crushed ice, chocolate syrup, powedered milk and condensed milk. It’s usually being sold outside schools or by the road side or anywhere there are many people. Having that said, ice scramble vendors use a bike with a side car so they can easily go from one place to another. The typical serving is one small plastic cup and you can use a straw or a small plastic spoon to drink/eat it.

Now Doreen was the brand name of the condensed milk being used by the vendor from which we always bought ice scramble. It’s cheaper compared to famous brands but it’s so delicious “Jane” always asked the vendor to put more milk into her cup (Note: This is an unpaid advertisement).

She got so addicted to it there were times when she even grabbed the milk can by herself and poured almost all of the milk into her cup. And yes, during those times we felt so embarrassed and wanted to deny that she was our friend or that we knew her in the first place but it was too late. Lynn always scolded her every time she did that and told her she should pay extra for that but she just laughed it off and apologized to the vendor. Good thing the vendor was a nice man so he didn’t mind.

And because of that, we called ice scramble “Doreen”. And we called the vendor “Doreen” as well even though he’s a guy.

– SPORTS FEST & GRADUATION –

Yep, I also couldn’t believe it was more than just review and having new friends and Doreen. On our last day we had a sports fest for which we even composed our chants and made a banner for each team.

There were 4 teams and each team had a corresponding color. As usual, there were the colors blue, yellow, green, and red. My friends and I were on the red team. We had to think about our team names associated with each color and the other teams came up with formal team names while the other teams came up with funny names. Unfortunately, our team was one of the latter. No, it was actually worse because our team name is something you wouldn’t even want to introduce if you’re a formal person, but not to the extent that it’s rated SPG. It’s just quite embarrassing and funny at the same time.

Our team name? “REDla”.

If you’re not a Filipino, let me explain this to you. “REDla” was derived from the Tagalog word “regla” which means “menstruation” in English. We were red team and blood is red so yeah, REDla. So witty, huh. Thumbs up on that part for whoever came up with that name. But dude it’s gross.

A typical sports fest in the Philippines is comprised of basketball and volleyball but we included The Amazing Race, quizbee, and a popular street game in the Philippines called Patintero. We won the 3rd place overall but we felt like we were still the champion because it was a very fun and memorable experience starting from the chant up to the games and awarding ceremony. It was as if we came there just to have fun and play like we used to do when we were small kids.

After the sportsfest came the graduation ceremony and it was held on the same basketball court of the school. No seats aside from the bleachers, no decorations, no sign/banner indicating that it was a graduation ceremony. It was very simple yet it was so special and memorable. We got certificates for completing the review and the outsanding reviewees got medals. I got a medal for being the 20th most excellent student out of 150 but I don’t believe it. LOL. Maybe my guessing powers just worked well during practice exams so I got high scores.

– MOMENT OF TRUTH –

And the exam day came. My father and I woke up at 3:30 AM to prepare because we live far from UP. I didn’t want my father to make extra effort to accompany me because I thought I was just going to waste his time if I didn’t pass, but I had no choice because I didn’t know the way to UP Diliman.

The exam started at around 6:30 or 7AM and I was feeling very nervous. As expected, the exam was hard but what made it harder is that I was sick during that time. Well I only had cough and colds, but they were (and still are) my worst enemies ever. I can go to school, take an exam and live a normal life if I have fever but cough and colds? Man, they make me want to pull all of my hair off my head because I find it really hard to concentrate.

So I took the exam while wiping snot off my nose, covering my mouth with my handkerchief every minute and shivering to death because of the very low temperature of the air conditioning unit in the room.

At that very moment I knew I wouldn’t pass but still I prayed every night after the exam. I prayed to pass but I also prayed that I would learn to accept whatever the result will be. Everyday I thought about the reason I wanted to pass and if it was enough to motivate me to do my best when I took the exam. And that was only to please my parents and nothing else.

If I was only thinking about myself, I knew I wouldn’t want to be a UP student. I mean of course it would be nice to pay less for the tuition fee and prove to yourself that you can pass UPCAT, but I thought I wouldn’t be able to take too much pressure and recognition. Because here in the Philippines, when you’re a UP student, people think very highly of you. They think you’re Einstein or a Demigod or anything like that. And because of that, they expect a lot from you and that you can do anything. And I can’t do that.

It’s just too ironic to think that those are the same reasons that will please my parents. I thought that if I pass the exam they would be more proud of me and they will be the happiest parents in the world. And that’s the number one reason I wanted to pass UPCAT–to make them feel that all of their efforts to raise me are worth it.

I know I made them proud each time I went up the stage with them to accept medals and certificates since day care until high school, but I wanted to give them more because despite all of our problems especially when it comes to money, when people congratulate and compliment my parents for raising intelligent children with good manners and are very down to earth, I can see how happy they are, like they’re the richest and luckiest people in the world–and I live for those moments.

By the way I also want to take this opportunity to apologize if from the beginning I’ve been talking about my accomplishments and achievements in life. I don’t mean to brag but I feel like I’m always bragging about it so I’m really sorry. I guess it’s because I don’t like talking about it in person so the internet is the only place where I feel free to be proud of myself, simply because no one is reading whatever nonsense I am posting. Or perhaps if you’re reading this, at least you don’t know me personally. Ha.

– AS EXPECTED –

I didn’t want to keep my parents’ hopes high so whenever somebody brought up UPCAT results into the conversation, I always mentioned a disclaimer that I won’t pass the exam because it was very hard. But of course, being the supoortive parents that they are, they always said something like, “Who knows? Maybe you can pass”. And I just sank back at my chair and wished they’d be able to accept the result as well when the day comes.

After about 2 months, the results were out. I still remember that day. I was still in deep sleep as it was only just about 6AM but I got disturbed when I suddenly heard my neighbor’s mom screaming outside our house about the results. And no. I didn’t make it. She was telling my mom that I didn’t pass the exam and that her daughter didn’t pass the exam as well.

I heard my mom ask again if there was already a result and my neighbor’s mom said yes, she saw it on the internet. After that, all my mom managed to say was, “Sayang naman”. I heard their conversation clearly since my room is just adjacent to the terrace. The news fully woke me up but I didn’t feel like doing or saying anything so I just stayed on my bed with my eyes closed and pretended I was still sleeping.

I knew I wouldn’t pass but the way my neighbor brought up the news was quite exacerbating because it was as if she really intended the other neighbors to hear that I didn’t pass the exam by shouting about it all over the street and although she also said that her daughter didn’t pass as well, she really highlighted my name and it sounded as if she was trying to prove a certain point. Whatever that freaking point is.

When I transferred to another school in grade 4 since we moved to the far-flung house, I became classmates with her daughter in section 1. I can’t deny that her daughter is also intelligent and certainly more outgoing and friendly than I am, but ever since then her mom and younger siblings always seemed to compare us. It continued in high school even though we went to different schools and most especially in college since we studied at the same university (although in different campus locations), which totally doesn’t make sense to me because we’re different from each other and just because we studied in the same school and section in grade 4 doesn’t mean we were supposed to compete with each other.

Anyway her daughter is nice to me and she never fails to call my attention just to greet me on the rare occasions that I went outside the house. It’s just that I really suck at being human to the point I just smile back without saying anything and look away from her almost instantly without even knowing if she saw me smile back at her. Most probably she thinks I’m always ignoring her but I don’t care. I don’t have hard feelings towards her. It’s just that I’m really too alien to deal with such situations. Anyway she still greets me up to this time whenever she sees me and I’m fine with that as long as she’s fine about me just smiling back at her (if ever she sees that).

I went out of my room 3 hours later when I was ready to hear what my family would say. My mom brought up the news immediately and told me I didn’t pass, but she made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal at all. I knew she was quite disappointed but she told me it was okay and that at least I did my best. I never said anything at first. I knew I should say something or show any facial expression that will let them know how I felt about it, but I was simply at a loss for words and any reaction. After a few minutes, all I managed to say was, “I told you I won’t pass”.

When my elder sister found out about it she couldn’t believe it and I knew she felt more disappointed because she really expected I would pass. I don’t know why, but I think it’s not normal for the eldest child to be more conscious about her sibling’s academic-related stuff than the parents themselves. My parents didn’t care what grades I got but my elder sister always monitored how I was doing at school as if she was my mom. Perhaps that’s because she graduated as Salutatorian in high school and she was supposed to graduate with honors in college as well of she didn’t shift from Mass Communication to Nursing so the pressure is on. Aside from that, she was the one who paid for my tuition fee when I was in high school. Anyway she didn’t express her disappointment towards me but rather towards UP. I know it’s funny because she was obviously just trying to make me feel better. Anyway I didn’t feel bad about it. At some point.

– WHEN REALITY SINKS IN –

As I have said earlier, I didn’t care about passing nor failing UPCAT. And if I was only thinking about myself, I really wouldn’t want to be a UP student. But family always weighs heavier than oneself I guess. Not just literally but also when it comes to value and level of priority.

Everytime I thought about myself not passing UPCAT, and what our neighbors and my classmates would think, I didn’t feel anything. But everytime I thought about the Php 500 my parents worked hard for just so I can pay for the entrance exam fee, and the sacrifice my father made just to accompany me on the exam day instead of going to work, as well as my family’s exprctations which I have crushed, I felt like I was the biggest disappointment in the whole universe. I know it’s exaggerated but that’s really how I felt during that time. The only thing I was thankful for was my talent to hide my emotions and stop myself from saying anything that will make people think how badly I got affected by it.

I was almost about to completely convince myself that I really didn’t deserve to pass the exam because 1) it was really difficult; 2) I was sick when I took the exam; and 3) picking UP Diliman and Manila + quota course as my choices in my application form was a very ambitious move, however when I saw my scores, I found out that I could have made it to UP Baguio or Los Banos if those were the campuses I chose. But it was too late. So I became more frustrated at myself and that feeling lasted from November that year until April of the year that followed. Heck, I swear I was like someone who went through a breakup or someone who was mourning over a dead person.

https://toyhou.se/~bulletins/1834462.tw-content-purge-is-complete

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i’ll post some asks about this topic below ! to sum it up quickly redla had unmarked/public vore on her pages because she believed it to be sfw

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