#redjey

I feel like I look nice today even though I really need a haircut

I don’t know what it is lately, but I’ve been exceptionally down, especially tonight.  Today was fine, slept through this afternoon, and suddenly everything just felt really dull, boring - part of the reason I’m even doing this is just so I can fucking do at least something. I tried gaming, gave up. Tried streaming, only two people showed, neither of which talked, one of whom makes me anxious as fuck when he looks at my art. Now I’m just sitting and thinking as I wait for laundry, and ugh.

Why can’t shit be easier. Lately I see a lot of my friends and their lives, and I just wish I could be there. While I’m living at school, I have no local friends, my roommate has been gone for a month now, and all I do is sit on my laptop and waste the days away with tumblr and youtube, barely even doing schoolwork, just waiting for a time where I’m in a better place. I have absolutely no motivation to draw either, I’m excited for my art class next semester, but now I feel like I’m completely lost. All of the people I’m in contact with who draw it feels like either give me no feedback, or just ignore me outright. I was even in a group full of a lot of artists, and I was hardly acknowledged (granted, it wasn’t an art group, but at least half of the people there were artists, and made the topic art every now and then). Then there’s also no motivation to exercise. I’ve been thinking of going vegetarian so I stop eating shit, and I’ve avoided red meat and pork for around a month now, but I don’t know. I feel fat and I fucking hate it. I feel inadequate and I fucking hate it. I can’t even win matches of League consistently anymore.

Why does luck exist? While I sit on my ass and have no motivation to do anything, I hear about my friends going out. They always bring it up when I talk to them. I just don’t fucking care sometimes. It’s always them being stupid and irresponsible and it pisses me off. I’m upset with some of the stuff they do to themselves, and just as jealous that I’m not able to just enjoy those activities or be a part of it without worrying about my own safety. Seeing local friends, getting either drunk or high, getting laid; having the mere ability to go places is something I lack right now, and my local friends and I just aren’t similar enough. I’ve slowly been coming out to them, as I thought it would change things if I was more myself, but it hasn’t done shit. They’re the same, immature and obnoxious at times, and as much as I’d love to just find new ones, I just can’t. Why couldn’t I have grown up in fucking Cali? Half the people I know live there I swear to christ. I just had to grow up in Suburban MN, I just had to lose the only local friend who would’ve grown up to be my age at six to a fucking brain tumor, and settled for the friends I have now. All it’s managed to do is make my cynical. Who the fuck even lives here? I keep looking on forums for fandoms and stuff I like to maybe get in contact with local people, and admittedly maybe some friends with benefits because having a relationship separated by 1000 miles leaves things to be desired, and there’s fucking no one. All I’ve found so far is a 16 year old who lives 30 minutes away with no transportation, a 19 year old who lives an hour away with no transportation, and a fucking 14 year old who lives 3 hours north anyways. I talked with someone in the cities near me who seemed reasonable and mature, but he said his life’s too hectic. Denied again. Yet my friends are fine, go out and see others, and I just sit here staring at my fucking computer. I don’t even have friends at this school. I had two, and they both just up and left for leave of absence. One had depression, don’t even know what the other one had, but apparently he’s back here anyways and just not doing class, but hasn’t talked to me or apologized for leaving in the middle of a fucking scene for acting he was supposed to work on with me. And my new partner in acting is a lazy piece of shit who just argues with the teacher over doing two hours of work outside of class like she’s never fucking taken a college course. 

I have no clue what I’m doing with my life right now. Next spring I’m going to finish college, a fucking bachelor’s at 19, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I want to get out of my home but I don’t know where to go. No one lives nearby. Sometimes I also feel like I just wasted my life on school. I could’ve stayed in high school, come out then, met some local guys maybe, but I left high school and went to college when I could, and didn’t even finish all my courses there to graduate because one of my professors was a fucking prick and failed me on purpose (tenure is disgusting, go fuck yourself, Lynette).

Other than helping people with computer problems, I feel like I’ve done literally nothing lately. I used to just help people with emotional problems, but I had to stop. Too many fucking sleepless nights and gallstone issues, too little “thank yous”. I even remember going to therapy last fall, just hoping that maybe, maybe I could get diagnosed with something and have an answer for the source of all my doubts and problems and insecurities, but all I did was talk with my therapist and slowly discover how shitty things really were for me. Nothing for me here, complicated relationship with my family that I don’t ever see getting completely fixed, and years of lacking sleep to the point of hallucinations that I started fixing in the fall, but went right back to fucking it up. I got three hours of sleep last night.

That seems really strange...any game that is being easily digitally distributed shouldn’t qualify for any sort of collector’s status imo. Collector’s implies it’s something that can be collected/maintined. 

he apparently became huge furry trash in the ~2 years we didn’t talk