Candid shot on a quiet night with much contemplation.Â
What am I to do with my life and how do I want to use it to bring light to the lives of others? I mean....God keeps waking my black ass up everyday and it MUST be for something, or else He wouldn’t bother, right?Â
So I had to list out to myself what I want, not apologize for what that list comprised of and keep it moving.Â
I want to love, first myself, and then allow myself to be loved by an outer entity that loves me just as much as I love me. I want to love myself deeply, even when it seems like I am failing or that I took the wrong fork in the road, I must still see myself and WORTHY, know that all humans are flawed and that it is OK to go back to the drawing board. Mistakes are blueprints for well learned lessons. I want to look the mirror and love what I see - make up or bare face, clothed and naked, flawless or blemished. Every inch of me carries a story and contributes to the variety of my existence.
In the form of money? Of course! I am not going to be one of those people that says they could live under Wacker Drive as long as they are happy. Fuck that. Show me the money. But, in addition to that, I want wealth of spirit. For a woman with a weakened spirit and a hefty bank account is still an impoverished being. I want to purchase experiences, memories, long-lasting imprints on the earth rather than a collection of material things. I want to wake up among as much of God’s creation as I possibly can rather than spend my time walking the empty halls of a mansion. I want to walk barefoot in Mali. Feel the sun on my back as I tip toe through Robben Island, and feel the wind blow through my hair as I wheel down the Wall of China. The more you touch humanity, the more you find pieces of God.
....that surpasses all understanding. I want to navigate my perspective. I want myself, not my circumstances, to determine how much pressure goes into my heart and mind. Can I still see beauty when the world says I am ugly? Can I see a good heart when the masses call me a witch? Can I see graciousness when all others see disgrace? Can I be AND REMAIN at peace with the woman I was, have become and am becoming? True peace is something whose definition is always evolving. No one ever ‘arrives’ but goes through journey after journey. Arrival is the end of life.Â