Bi people have a lot of jokes about being unicorns - "rare" creatures that some people, gay and straight, swear don't actually exist. We don't have the hottest-button issues in the LGBTQ+ community...but there are still a lot of misconceptions and misunderstandings when it comes to what it means to be bisexual.
So what's the best thing to do when you don't know or understand something? Ask someone who does!
To wrap up Pride Month 2022, we asked bisexual people on Reddit what they wished more people knew about the B in LGBTQ+ - Here are the eight responses that appeared over and over.
First of all: Yes, we do exist.
"We exist. Even when you tell someone you're bi, they tend to just see you as gay or straight (depending on their preconceived notions, the gender of your partner, etc.)
"Bisexuals exist and we are actually bisexual. Really."
From the drop, bisexual people have a difficult time even making people remember that the B is in LGBT for a reason - bi erasure, which is what happens when people look at who a person is dating or attracted to in one instance and assumes their sexuality to be either gay or straight.
"I feel people still need to know bisexuality exists and it's not a choice. Yes from the outside bisexuals appear to be "choosing " between being gay or straight. But that's not how it works.
"Sometimes I wish it did work like that."
And it's not a phase. We're not "confused."
"My (45f) pet peeve is hearing "Bi for now, gay for later". Just NO. Bisexuals are always Bi. I understand some homosexuals say they're Bi on their journey to being gay, but I wish it would stop. Because now I have to constantly "prove" I'm bi, and not gay or straight, to people who just "know" I'm in the discovery phase of my sexuality.
"Hell no I'm not - I've known I'm bi for 30 years, I'm not changing."
That narrative - that there are no bisexuals, just confused people who don't yet know whether they're gay or straight, also gets tossed around a lot, and it's frustrating how people will willfully misinterpret an experience that so many people have in common, simply because they don't understand it.
"Bisexual people are not less allowed than straight and gays to make mistakes or change their mind. Leaving you for a man (if you're a f) or the opposite does NOT mean your ex was "gay/straight all along". (There's exceptions, but that's not the rule.)"
"I'm sure it's been said here multiple times but I'll say it again anyway: Bisexuality is not a phase. We aren't "really closeted." We aren't experimenting. We are human and we are valid just like every other person in the world."
"We're all looking for the right someone, we're just lucky that we get to look past gender. People don't understand...they think I'm one or the other and will eventually "figure it out." Well I eventually will figure it out but it's not that I'm gay or straight, it's that I've found the right person."
Bisexuality is a spectrum; it's not always 50/50.
"Bisexual doesn't mean only attracted to two genders - look up the Robyn Ochs definition for a better idea of how many of us define it."
We won't make you look it up - here it is:
"For me, the bi in bisexual refers to the potential for attraction to people with genders similar to and different from my own."
That quotation is an excellent starting point - and it's also an important distinction to make, because there are many people who have the mistaken belief that people who are bi won't date trans or nonbinary people because of the whole "two genders" thing..
But notice, that definition doesn't say "male and female;" it doesn't even say "two genders;" it says "genders similar to and different from my own." That distinction in no way excludes trans or nonbinary people. It also doesn't limit how many genders you can be attracted to - and that's different for everyone.
These comments can offer even more clarification on what being bisexual can mean on an individual level:
"Bisexuality isn't "between" gay and straight. It's a whole orientation of its own."
"Bisexuality is NOT 50/50 and is NOT necessarily constant."
"It's an incredibly wide spectrum of attraction that can ebb and flow throughout your life, while for others the amount they are attracted to either sex stays the same. Even someone with an attraction split of 99/1 is still bisexual. "
If you'd like to learn more about this concept, there's something called the Kinsey Scale that many people learn about first as a jumping off point for their understanding. The community has since largely concluded that the Kinsey scale is an oversimplified concept, however, because it implies that your level of attraction to different genders stays constant - which is not true to the experience of most bisexual people.
Now people are more likely to reccommend a different one:
"The thing I would want people to understand is the Bi-cycle. It's the thing I wish I had known about when I was younger. Because I didn't know about it, I would dismiss a lot of my homoromantic emotions, attempting to explain them away or ignore them completely because "it's just a phase."
"An understanding of the Bi-cycle could be especially useful for someone who repeatedly finds themself questioning their sexuality. It would also be useful knowledge for those trying to provide support for someone who was either questioning their sexuality or who just came out as Bi."
To put it in simple terms, the "bi-cycle" referrs to the fluidity of sexual attraction when you're bisexual; many bi people report that they have different levels of attraction to males, females, and nonbinary people at different times, and not always in tandem with one another.
It's a concept that confuses many kids who are questioning, because it can mean that on some days, you feel solely attracted to the opposite sex, but then on others, you feel attracted to only the same sex but still a TINY bit attracted to the opposite (and on others, you experience attraction to almost all of them, even genders you had never considered before.)
If you would like to read a more in-depth article on what it's like to experience the bi-cycle, you can find one here.
No, we're NOT more likely to cheat on you.
"Attraction has nothing to do with commitment. A straight main is still sexually attracted to women even if he's in a committed relationship with a woman already. The fact that women still attract him does not equal a likelihood for infidelity.
"In the same way, being attracted to more than one gender doesn't equal a likelihood for infidelity.
"Cheating is an individual thing. Some people suck, and it has nothing to do with sexual attraction."
Bisexuality does not equal promiscuity, and frankly, none of us are really sure where that stereotype came from. A bi person is no more likely to cheat than a straight or gay person.
"Something I've seen partners worry about with me is the insecurity that one gender will never satisfy me enough and that I'll end up cheating on my partner with whatever gender they aren't."
I guess that's where the stereotype came from, but it's nonsense.
"A threesome isn't the first thing that comes to my mind."
Look, some of bi people might be interested in a threesome, but it's very, very annoying when people make that assumption right out of the gate. Please don't bring it up on the first date. We're begging. It's so awkward.
Just because we CAN be attracted to anyone doesn't mean we're attracted to EVERYONE
"We're not all promiscuous and polyamorous.
but some of us are, and it's just not a "bi thing", it's another type of preference."
Polyamory refers to the practice of having more than one partner at a time. It can take many forms, from an open relationship to "thruples" to groups of friends that are occasionally romantic and have occasional casual sex with one another. It's not considered cheating if everyone in the relationship consents, and there are many happy, healthy polyamorous relationships out there.
However, not all bisexual people want them - being polyamorous is still considered relatively less common than wanting to be monogamous, and unless a person indicates such, you shouldn't assume that a person is poly just because they're bi.
"Just because I told you I'm bi does not mean I want to bang you. Bi folk have self control.
"Also: Being bi does not mean twice as many dating partners. In fact, it often means less than straight or gay folks."
Yeah, speaking of which...
We get hate from both sides of the aisle: Gay and straight.
"There's not twice the options, there's less than half coz of biphobia."
Yeah, speaking of that, this is another big issue.
Bisexual people may have the "privelage" of occasionally experiencing less homophobia because they're often in heterosexual relationships, but they also have the disadvantage of experiencing biphobia from within the gay community - many gay people who don't swear that we're "just going through a phase" will swear that we're somehow "hurting the gay cause" by ever choosing to date someone of the opposite gender.
Others will refuse to date us because they think we'll cheat - or even just because they don't like the idea of being with someone who's been with a gender that isn't theirs.
"Put simply - I'm not a threat to you.
"I've had previously interested lesbians immediately act insecure and ask a battery of gatekeeping questions once they hear that I'm bi rather than another lesbian ('what if you lose interest and cheat with a guy?' 'have you ever dated a girl before??' 'Okay, but how recently?')
"I've also heard the 'oh haha cool but don't get a crush on me!' stuff from straight women I've never had an inkling of interest in.
We're normal people. I am the same person I was before you found out what my sexuality is."
Oh yeah, forgot to mention the other part, where straight people of our own gender will be uncomfortable being our friends because they assume we're attracted to them. That's also not fun.
"None acceptance!! Straight community thinks I'm too gay, gay community thinks I'm too straight. I'm a man with no country. It's very lonely and hurtful."
For some reason (probably sexism), when people DO assume that we're "going through a phase" bi girls usually hear something to the effect of "you just haven't met the right man yet," while bi guys are far more likely to hear something more along the lines of, "just a stop on the way to gaytown."
(Notice how everyone assumes you'll eventually end up wanting to be with a man?)
But bi guys are also far more likely to simply give into the pressure and "pick a side," hiding their true sexuality due to the stigma. It's the same brand of toxic masculinity that decided that women could wear pants back in the 50s, but men are STILL gonna get weird looks for wearing a skirt.
"As a bi guy from the baby boomer generation, I want everyone to know that there really are bi guys from the Dark Ages still walking among you! While I'm thrilled to meet (online) so many great bi+ humans from the later gens, it's very difficult to connect with those in my age group. A lot of us didn't/couldn't/gave up on the fight to be bi in either straight or gay ASSUMED relationships. What we do/did should not be called "passing" but rather "surviving."
"64M here, been out as bi since 1980...I was with the same straight woman for 28 years til cancer took her. I was lucky in that she was cool with the fact of my being bi, right from the get-go - she never fell into that nonsense of worrying that I might cheat on her with men - but it was incredible how quickly old friends (who'd known I was bi for years) just forgot the fact of my sexuality after she and I had been together a while. I got fed up of having to remind them that being with her hadn't 'cured' me! :D "
It's also the same brand of toxic masculinity that decided lesbians were okay, but only in porn for dudes (which...ew.)
"How hard it can be witnessing women's bisexuality celebrated and encouraged as a result of it being fetishized whereas the experience can be quite the opposite for men.
"I've had women (potential partners) distance themselves from me after I opened up and disclosed that I've had experiences with men. Some women I've managed to have an open discourse with and they have been honest that the thought of being with a guy who has messed about with another guy evoked feelings of disgust. Most of the time they wasn't really even sure why and felt guilty upon reflection as some of those women were bisexual themselves."
"Then alongside that over the years through the platonic relationships I've had with females I've heard phrases far too often that are homophobic in nature, pertaining to the fact that they couldn't imagine being dominated by a man who's [had sex with a man] and saying they're into more "manly men." There seems to be a perpetuation of men's sexuality being rigid, either gay or straight and if he's "bi" then also be careful because he's probably just a closet gay."
We wish we had more clear representation
A lot of our issues with stigma against bi men does, ironically, have to do with that whole porn thing - because straight men in board rooms think it's hot, they're more likely to say yes to a female character being bisexual than a male character, and thus, you don't SEE a lot of male characters who are bi, and therefore when you actually meet one, you might be more surprised.
This is also true for the bisexual community as a whole in relation to the rest of the LGBTQ+ community - because we're heard less often (thanks to the dual-sided stigma) and have a sexuality that can be more difficult to explain (see whole article above), people in media often simply won't bother trying - which only perpetuates the cycle of stigma and misunderstanding.
"When I was a kid I developed crushes on both genders and didn't realize something was "wrong" with me until society pointed it out."
One of the ways society points that out is by NOT pointing out bisexuality when it occurs - because it's true that you can't SEE someone being bisexual in most relationships. If a kid is unaware that being bisexual is a thing, they might have an incredibly long and unnecessary existential crisis wondering if they're gay or straight every other week (you know, because of the whole bi-cycle thing) until they find out.
I'm speaking from experience there. I KNEW I was bi by the time I was thirteen, but I did not UNDERSTAND that I was bi until I was nineteen, because I had no idea what it looked like. If bisexual people had been allowed to be honest about their expereinces in media when I was younger, I would have eventually seen myself in one of those characters and figured it out much quicker.
And on top of that, other people would understand it much quicker too - and there might be less call for articles like these.
"Not having enough representation hurts...People don't understand that when I'm with a man I'm not gay or that when I'm with a woman I'm not straight.
"Whether we talk about it or not, being part of the LGBTQIA+ community affects every single part of our lives. Our society is just so aggressively straight and cis that to be anything else automatically makes you an outsider/other."
