#redacted imp!james

“Why are you laughing? You’re laughing at me? [...] I didn’t mean to be spilling out like that. [...] It makes it a little harder.. to keep the thoughts in. Not with everyone. Not with almost anyone.. actually. But with you, definitely with you.” He’s so cute when he was whining, I would’ve kissed the pout off his face. 

"You feel.. home." Connecting this to James' line in his audio from the Past/Present anthology, where he describes his powers as a bond/link to his partner, whom he also calls his home. SCREAMING

“There’s a lot of feelings.. in magic.” I’ve always jumped to the idea of James’ fear when he cut off the telepathic link between him and his partner, but it also makes sense that he did that because of what could’ve happened if he hadn’t and allowed his feelings to amplify his powers. Or possibly because his emotions are influencing his thoughts too much, it causes his focus and their link to waver, which ends up with the bond cutting off on its own.

[I wonder if telepath magic is influenced by whoever they’re connected with? In an unrelated note, I] 

"My heart reaches out to yours." And you say that you’re not sweet?? My brain has a problem where it turns happy things into bad even when they’re 100% made out of good things. Because imagine James (from the canon universe) yearning for his partner and vice versa. No matter what he does, his powers can’t reach them. He can’t feel their warmth.

"I know you like hearing my thoughts." I did a silly dance when he said this. This may be a role reversal AU but parts of their character are still true or connected to their canon universe counterpart. I've mentioned in the past that I thought about how his partner likes their link or telepathic bond because it serves as an anchor for both of them, and it makes me happy because I was able to understand their characters even when James only had two audios. Also them asking James and Fooliverse!James if he could go inside their head/use their link.

"You're sweet. Very sweet. Sweeter than you should be with me." I couldn't think of anything other than his line in his Imperium audio, "I know we aren't perfect for each other. I know I might not be everything you ever wanted.” And we can even connect these two lines to James’ Past/Springback audio, where he implied that the things he’s done for his job are things he isn’t proud of. 

“Because I’m not sweet.” HUH?! Then what do you call what happened a few minutes ago when you called me your home? About how safe you feel?? Did calling me your home mean nothing to you??? /j Also did a silly dance on this one. In a few of my entries for the waiting-for-a-James-audio day count, I’ve talked about how and why I think these two wouldn’t get a divorce. Although I said that James would’ve left if he thought he wasn’t fulfilling his role in their relationship, that doesn’t mean he didn’t have those thoughts. I can imagine them talking about this. 

But the reason why the breakup wouldn’t push through is connected to what Imperium!James said: “[But I can make you happy.] And I wanted so badly for the chance to try. But I couldn't even be honest about my powers." And another one from the same audio: “I’ve spent years thinking about you. And missing you. And kicking myself for wasting my chance.. to carve out some shred of happiness with you. I’m done wasting time, never again.” This brings us back to another line from his Imperium audio that I mentioned earlier, James acknowledged both of their imperfections but he still chose to be with them. There’s room for growth. He knows that relationships aren’t perfect and no matter how compatible you are with your partner, there’ll always be bumps in the road. I know this relationship has two people in it, just because James wouldn’t ask for a divorce doesn’t mean his partner shares the same thoughts and feelings. Remember how they reacted right after James explained the situation? Instead of screaming at him or running away again, they asked him if he could enter their mind. Even when they’ve been hurt so much, they still want to be with James. Thus, backing up my claim to give these two a happy ending where they’re together, happy, and alive. I rest my case, Your Honour.

“You.. you let yourself feel.. everything.” At first, my reaction here was that James must admire his partner for wearing their heart on their sleeve and being an empath. But I realized that it’s bigger than that. James from the canon line sees emotions as a liability so I understood why Fooliverse!James said those things about his partner. How their presence brings comfort and safety. That he gets to feel with them around. That the feelings are lighter and walls are shorter. ALSO! To have your partner welcome your emotions and not call you dramatic or overly sensitive?

“..I don’t know. What was I saying?” Me, after including long side stories in between the things I’m talking about. Listening to him trying to explain how his powers and magic work is like hearing myself explain something to someone by translating how I understood something with words that would help them understand.

“And I have to know where I am so I know.. what feelings.. I can feel right then. ‘Cause sometimes.. I just can’t, you know? [...]  But you, you can. You do. You do all the time. All of it. And that’s really cool.” All I could think about when I heard these lines was James from the canon universe. His technique of segregating his feelings to get better control over his powers is incorporated into how he acts and thinks. It can also go the other way around where he’s so accustomed to separating personal and work stuff that. He found a technique that helps with his powers because he’s accustomed to separating personal and work stuff; even with general things, he knows when to hold back and when to say things, how to do it, and when he should do it. And that’s why he commends his partner and their approach with feelings. He’s used to putting things aside because it’s something he can’t afford to feel at the moment, and he just doesn’t get to process things in a healthy way.

“..love you.. I love you so much.. Can I come hold you for a sec?” This man invented consent. Not only does he ask for permission when using his powers on them, he does it when he wants to touch them (in both Fooliverse and Imperium audios) or enter the space around them (in the Past/Present anthology audio). Also, I imagined his partner sitting on his lap but it could also be reversed where James is the one sitting on their lap.

“Are you sure? I know. It’s just.. It’s- It’s kind of a mess up here right now.” This. I am in tears. This is how you know they love him. They don’t mind that he’s high off his ass or that he’s unintentionally spewing his thoughts. This is a great display of the phrase: ‘I don’t like you because you’re cute/handsome/beautiful. You’re cute/handsome/beautiful because I like you.” His partner is the kind of person who doesn’t flaws as what they are, I don’t know how to word this right. If you’re someone who’s worried about your scars, pimples, stretch marks, body fat, crooked/missing teeth, or other insecurities, they wouldn’t judge or berate you for it. If you ask them how you look, they’d just answer with “You look great!” or “Looking like the love of my life.” They don’t mean to disregard your feelings towards them. No one can tell me otherwise because remember how the Imperium audio went? Sure, they were afraid of Imperium!James at first, but that’s because of their previous encounters with Empowered people. When they were reminded of who was in front of them, that fear went away. Even if the man grew another set of arms or lost one of his sense, they’d still love him. Also, here’s the obligatory comment about how much his partner really likes their telepathic link. (insert sounds of delightful squealing in the distance)

[The power this man has over me. He’s just giggling, humming, and acting silly while I’m over here going crazy with my happiness meter going off the roof! Also, Fooliverse!James and I are the worst combination to have a conversation with. Another also, I’m so happy. I will never get tired of hearing him laugh.]

“[Hi… Hello? Pardon our dust.]” Did another silly dance on this part. Because what are the chances that one of my headcanons ends up coming true? The wording is different but the vibes are there, so I’m still counting that. (A post I made about their telepathic link and their awkward first time trying it out.)

“[You never hurt. No hurt. Just.. good. Good.. feelings. Warm.. home.]” Is it possible to cry tears of both joy and sadness?

“[Up.. Up.. Higher.. You make me.. higher. You make me higher. You take me.. Higher. Up.. Up.. Up.. Lifted, weightless, buzzing, and warm, and high. That’s you. That’s what you feel like. Easy, warm. I can feel all the feelings with you. They’re not too much. They’re lighter with you. Everything’s lighter with you. Higher with you.]” This bit is supposed to be longer if I included the first part of his description. Just when I thought my feelings for James were at their fullest, he made me love him even more when he described his feelings for his partner/how they make him feel. It sounds like that satisfying feeling when you’re at the beach and the sun is shining just right. You’re just lying on the sand, soaking up the warmth of the sun and the cooling feeling of the water from the waves. Also, this part reminded me of Imperium!James’ confession where he had them feel his heart. 

Connecting the line (specifically the “[I can feel all the feelings with you.]” from the previous paragraph to another from the Fooliverse audio (“[I feel less.. tight. Some of that’s squeezes just- looser, lighter, slower, and.. lower, and warmer. And the walls.. are shorter. And the water’s higher.]”) and a line from James’ Past/Present audio (“I haven’t been there when you needed me. And I haven’t given myself the space to admit when I needed you.”) And maybe include the yearning we could hear from Imperium!James’ voice when he hugged back his listener.

The "Up" or "Higher" reference to James’ Imperium audio ("Down" or "Deeper") is even more special when you think about the meaning of the words; who they’re for and why they’re spoken. Imperium!James says, “We need to go.. down. We’re at the top. We are at the stars. We need to go down. [...] But we can’t lose the sky completely. We’ll bind your mind to the clouds.” He’s separating them from their thoughts so that they won’t be consumed by them. He also reminds them to “not lose the sky completely” because even if they are separated, the thoughts are still there. They still need to be addressed. 

“[Down here. Where nothing else matters. Where there’s just the gravity holding you tight, squeezing you gently, kneading your skin, massaging into your muscles, pressing deep.. deep.. down.. Down..]” What I got from this description by Imperium!James is the feeling you get when you’re underwater. The pressing and gentle squeezing. While Fooliverse!James is talking about making your feelings and thoughts lighter so that they won’t bind you to the ground with tall walls, Imperium!James’ is about getting yourself out of your head, separating you and your thoughts, and focusing on yourself. But what's fascinating is that both lower your walls enough that you're able to breath, think, and feel without constriction.

[I don’t know if I already wrote this thought down and just forgot where I inserted it. It makes me sad to think about how harsh the Imperium is when Imperium!James’ listener’s first instinct is to run away from him after learning he’s Empowered, even though they’ve known each other for so long. Also, we gotta remember that Imperium!James’ audio has a spicier version so the “down, down, down” part can signify another thing. wink wonk.]

“[Warm lips.. You kissed me. Kissing.. Kissing back.]” I do not know what came over Erik but we need it to happen more often. holy shit that makeout sesh was HOT. I am embarrassed to admit that in James’ Imperium audio, I would skip to their kiss at the end before listening to the beginning because I would fall asleep before I reached that part.

“[I’m hungry..]” Me too, Fooliverse!James, me too. This audio was released when I was buried with projects and reviewing for exams so there was a lot of late nights and it doesn’t help that I become conscious of my hunger whenever I get to this part of the audio XD Also, his partner continuing the kiss even though Fooliverse!James thought he ruined the vibe, they know their priorities.

My Current Thoughts About James and his partner (a character analysis of sorts)

A/N: This is where I heavily emphasize the warning at the start of this post. A lot of the things I say beyond this point are opinions/observations , meaning they are subjective. There are parts where I mention lines from an audio, just like with what I did in the reaction part of this post. I tried to make this as organized as I could by making points and then inserting the explanations below it. But the explanations are the part that’s making this section messy so I apologize for that. I tried to word my explanations in a way that wouldn’t cause any misunderstanding.

James and his partner are avoidants.

Not entirely James and mostly his partner. From an avoidant person to another, I related to everything they did in the audio of James leaving. And that's where the part I began to like James; I was (still am) projecting the ideal partner that I want to James. And I really like the way he handled the situation. I grew up in a household that lets their anger take control more often and way too easily. So, hearing James handle the situation the way he did; with gentleness while remaining firm with his choice. He wasn't aggressive with the way he was trying to convince his partner to talk, knowing they were already trying to hide away until the situation goes away somehow. 

As for James, it's how he doesn't want to vocalize his fear. Regardless if he acknowledges the fear of being left by his partner or not, if someone other than him acknowledges the thought, then it becomes more real. By not thinking or talking about it, he avoids the thoughts and feelings that come with it. When he avoids it then it won't come true. This is one of the traits he has no matter which universe; in the Imperium audio, he was taken before he could tell his partner (but would-be childhood friend) his feelings which he admits the reason being that he was afraid of ruining their friendship. And because of his opinion about emotions, he never admitted the magnitude of how much he needed his partner until the conversation in his audio from the Past/Present anthology. ("Most of the time, in most aspects of my life, I can't.. I can't let my emotions weigh in that heavily. They're a liability. I can't keep that part open and still do what needs to be done.")

James' job and their marriage

I can’t blame James for craving and enjoying the validation. It has nothing to do with his partner or their relationship. The idea falls into the logic of why judges/critics must be knowledgeable in the field they’re in. A compliment from an ordinary person is different from the one you get from a professional.  “I liked being the person people needed. The person they couldn’t replace. The person they needed.”

But another reason why I can’t blame him for being invested in his work is because personally, I wouldn’t ask my partner to choose between me and their work. Then what about his line: “I’ve asked too much. I’ve asked you to give up too much. It’s not fair to you. And it’s not enough to.. hand wave it away by saying, ‘Thank you’, and ‘I love you, I’m sorry’. I’ve already said those things and I’ve meant them. But then, I’ve just.. done the next job.”?

I won’t say that this is how life is because that seems dismissive to me. This is what can happen when you choose both. Regardless if these two got into this relationship with the mindset that they could handle whatever challenge that would come, it would not lessen the difficulty or the hurt. No matter how many jobs James has already taken, the pain of not being with your lover will still be there. I couldn’t say the rest of what I wanted to say because I realized that I was minimizing the pain that I felt. If I was his partner, my mind would be screaming and I would be in agony. I would want to be selfish for once and wish he would choose me over his job.

I know I said I wouldn’t ask my partner to do that, but there’s a difference between would and could. That’s why I’ll stay quiet and wish him safety. Because if I did all those things and acted selfishly, it would hurt even more. Because his job isn’t about validation anymore. Because if he stayed, we wouldn’t have a world to build our life in. But if I was more insecure, I would’ve taken offense by his choice. I would’ve thought he kept choosing his job because I was less important. But I’m not, and that’s because I know James. That’s how I imagined his partner reacted. They have known James long enough to understand and trust his choice, to feel the sincerity of his words. I don’t think I worded this part the way I wanted it to come out but I hope a part of the thought was able to come across clearly. 

Connecting the line from Fooliverse!James (“Are you sure? I know. It’s just.. It’s- It’s kind of a mess up here right now.”) to the one from James’ audio in the Past/Present anthology, “Are you sure? You want me in?” It’s not just James who feels safe around his partner. Even with how upset they were with the news of him leaving, there’s no one else they’d run to for comfort but James.

[The crying went from level one to level ten at this part of the audio. And then James talks about the hurt his partner feels because of him and his job, and he slips up. My heart aches for these two.]

Miscellaneous

One of the things I love that some troupes have is the lost time. And it is a recurring theme with James and his partner, no matter which universe they’re in.