i genuinely hate my source. like i actually despise what i remember.
because i see all of these other dc fictives or fictionkins, batfam sourced ppl with happy memories. who actually miss their version of me. who were loving and loved in return and i just.
what do you mean most dicks miss me?? what do you mean there are bruce’s that love their kids?? wdym there’s damian’s who remember us being brothers.
i fucking hate this.
i want to love them. i want to interact and reach out because i miss them. but, i can’t see a dick or damian blog without my heart stopping. i can’t see a bruce interacting with other family members and caring about them without thinking liar liar liar liar.
because in my memories?
dick threatened to put me into arkham after replacing me with damian & ignoring me for months.
jason almost killed me in the tower and i barely survived, he never stopped calling me pretender.
damian almost succeeded at murdering me multiple times, and i had to catch myself after he cut my line - he’d leave bruises and always make me feel unwelcome.
BRUCE WOULD THINK I WAS JASON AND THATS THE ONLY WAY I GOT LOVE FROM HIM FUCKING EVER. and when he didn’t think i was jason? it was a business and professional relationship even though i wanted him to be my dad more than anything. i remember him throwing me down onto the mats in the cave until my back was black and blue and i could barely see because i was crying so much.
i remember being a tool for them. not a son or a brother. even though i loved them more than anything in the world, i was nothing.
it’s not fair that when someone i used to love interacts with my blog i feel a cold sweat and a need to run. it’s not fair. i’m so tired.
to any batfam fictives or fictionkins who see this:
i’m sorry. i want to interact with and care for you but i don’t know how. i can’t imagine myself being loveable, wanted, or - anything like that.
