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"Talk to me about what I’m feeling and thinking, please"
"Bids can also be hard to decipher when the bidder doesn’t acknowledge his or her own needs for connection. When that happens, bids can get disguised as something else - usually anger or sadness"
When bids for an emotional connection, security, and stress relief are not satisfied, crying fits, temper tantrums, sassiness and belligerence are possible outcomes (p.34).
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Turning toward (leads to more bidding and responding, growth and development in a relationship):
— nearly passive (nodding)
— low energy (“okay” “sure”)
— attentive (validation, opinions, thoughts, feelings, questions)
— high energy (full focus, enthusiasm, empathy)
This has the most positive results because it tells the other person you hear them, are interested in and understand them (or would like to), they are on your side, would like to help you (whether they can or not), be with you (whether they can or not), and accept you (even if they don’t accept all your behavior)
(p.37-40).
Activity: Helpful Feeling Words
Sometimes it can be frustrating to find the right words to describe how you are feeling. All the words in this list can help you describe how you are feeling to your partner and help you both understand where each other is coming from (p.76-78).
