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@connectionsmatter
Whether people are struggling to save a marriage, to cooperate in a family crisis, or to build rapport with a difficult boss, they usually have one thing in common: They need to share emotional information that can help them feel connected
The Relationship Cure by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. (p.3).
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What is Bidding?
Everyone wants to feel understood and cared for. In order to feel this way, bids or units of “emotional communication” are exchanged; this is very important for improving relationships, especially with a significant other.
Bidding with each other is a means of trying to feel connected to each other.
How you respond to these bids are very important as well. You can have either a “positive or negative reaction” to these bids. Positive reactions are the best way to communicate with others, because it shows respect and that you have love for the other person (p.4-5).
We now know that people who react positively to one another’s bids have greater access to expressions of humor, affection, and interest during arguments.
The Relationship Cure by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. (p.5).Â
The Pursuit of Attention
The result of parents not responding or pay attention to their child’s means of trying to connect (by bidding) is that the child will likely experience more negative emotions, less academic success, and have more problems with their health than if their parents were trying to connect with them and responding to their bids.
This is also called unrequited turning.
This also happens in marriages and other relationships, and the person who is being turned away will get used to not being connected with and eventually give up trying (p.18-19).
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How You Grow Up Affects Relationships
The foundation of all the bonds and relationships of children is the relationship bond between their parents. The temperament of the child is also important, but parents or the primary caregivers either consciously or unconsciously teach their children about relationships starting at home (p.19-20).
First marriages now face a 50-50 chance of divorce within a 40 year period. Divorce rates among second marriages are 10% higher.
The Relationship Cure by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. (p.22).
Being unhappily married can raise your chances of getting sick by more than 35% and shorten your life by an average of 4 years.
This stress can develop depression, substance abuse, high blood pressure, heart disease, and affects your immune system negatively making cancer and disease more of a possibility.Â
Stress coming from unhappy relationships can affect the family as well, resulting in negative physical and psychological effects for the children, such as getting colds and the flu more often, rejection by peers, depression, bad behavior, and bad grades, skipping school, and aggression.Â
The Relationship Cure by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. (p.22).Â
If both parties are willing to hang in there, pay attention, and change direction when they make mistakes, chances are they can improve the relationship. Having to apologize, make adjustments, or patch things up is not a sign of a bad fit. It’s a sign that people value one another and are willing to work through the rough spots to stick together. It is by weathering conflicts that marriages, families, friendships and work teams grow strong
The Relationship Cure by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. (p.26).
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Playful Bidding
It is important to find the right amount humor during everyday conversations, especially during arguments. This does not mean laughing or making jokes while the other person is trying to explain to you how they feel or say a problem they have… This means “turning enthusiastically” or replying with good humor during conversations with your significant other. This creates a reservoir of “goodwill and affection”, which makes for happier relationships and a good way to solve existing issues (p.29).
Hierarchy of Needs
A hierarchy of needs in relationships is basically a list of needs for emotional connections. At the top of these lists usually come things that need minimal “time, attention, risk” and “intimacy”. The intensity of emotional needs grows stronger towards bottom of the list.
Here is an example made for friendship:
—  Light conversation or “small talk”
—  Humor
—  Friendly gossip
—  Affection
—  Support
—  Problem solving
—  Connection around heartfelt subjects like future goals, worries, values, meaning
(p. 30).
Activity: Things To Do With Your Partner
This list can help you find activities to do with or for your partner. Doing thing together makes your emotional connection stronger by making you both learn more about each other (p.230-233).
Activity: Rituals of Connection
These rituals can establish stronger bonds between you and your partner. By making rituals with each other, you can make sure that you and your partner are putting in efforts to demonstrate care and affection (p.240-244).
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Different Types of Bids
—  Thoughts
—  Feelings
—  Observations
—  Opinions
—  Invitations
—  Non verbal (example: affectionate touching, facial expressions, playful touching, affiliating gestures, vocalizing)
—  VerbalÂ
(p.31)