#rebelcaptainsmutweekend

He should probably ask before touching her, but he reaches out before he thinks about it, touches the inside of her forearm, drawing her attention. She says nothing from where she stands behind Bodhi’s seat, and he jerks his head back towards the small room at the back of the cockpit. He had inspected it when they first stole this ship, a small room for napping in and not much more, but it will do for a private conversation.

She gives a nod, her gaze flicking back towards the space they’re flying through, and then she turns, walking past him and towards the shut door. He’s a half step behind, and when she opens it, he catches the door, closing it behind them quietly. He doesn’t need anyone else to ask, to know that they disappeared… what he has to say to her, it involves no one else. 

Jyn walks all the way into the room, which doesn’t give them more than two steps between them, but she leans back against the wall, her hands on her hips. She looks like she’s ready fight a war, which is more or less what they’re doing, and he knows they need to plan out what they’re going to do, knows they need to make a plan, because once they land, they’ll be short on time… but he has something to say first, and she seems to know that, because she’s waiting, listening.

“Jyn, I have to tell you something,” he says, and he doesn’t know how to get out the words, but suddenly, her face is falling, and she looks… upset. Why would she look upset?

“Cassian, you don’t have to tell me anything. What happened, what happened on Eadu, after, and-”

She thinks this is about her father, and yeah, he has apologies to make, sort of, but not really. He was doing his duty, was following orders, and broken them for her. Galen Erso’s fate was sealed long before they landed on that planet… he won’t rehash out things they’ve already fought about.

“No, it’s not about that-”

“You don’t have to say anything,” she says, and she takes a step forward, her eyes looking up at him, up into his soul. “Cassian… you don’t have to explain anything to me.”

He thinks, were it anyone else, that that would mean he didn’t owe them an explanation… or that they didn’t care for one. Looking at her now, though, Cassian realizes that she understands him. He doesn’t have to explain, because she already gets it. Anything he could try to apologize for, any debt he owes her… she already knows. She knows him, knows his pain, heard his confession out there…

There’s only one thing he’s keeping from her, and he plans to tell her now.

“Then there’s something I need to show you.”

The words are past his lips before he can think it through, and she takes in a breath, then gives a nod, her hands shifting from her hips to hang loosely at her sides. He can see her hand hovering over where her blaster is, but it’s not like she’s going for it… more like, she doesn’t know what to do with herself, like she feels out of her element.

Cassian feels much the same, and that gives him encouragement, the idea that she feels just as exposed, as vulnerable as he does.

Taking in a deep breath, he steps forward, two steps until he’s practically hovering over her, and it reminds him of just a few hours ago, before they had left Base, when he had lingered so close, he could smell she had had a shower before the meeting, and now, he can smell the leather of the holster, the oil from cleaning the blaster. He looks down at her for the longest time, and she looks up at him, and she-

She doesn’t pull away. He enters her space, and she doesn’t pull away.

His lips press to hers, and he’s ready for her to push him back, but instead, she pushes in, pushes against him with her kiss, and he folds immediately. His hands go to her waist as he half stumbles back, but she comes with him, moves with him until his back hits the wall, and he’s surprised that she’s with him, that she’s still kissing him, but he goes with it all the same.

Her lips pull away from his just as he goes to part his mouth, to kiss her deeper, and her eyes are wide, breath coming in and out hard. He searches her face for some explanation, but he doesn’t know what her question is, doesn’t even know what she wants from him. 

All he had wanted was to kiss her, to kiss her just once, to tell her how he felt, and she had kissed him back - she let him kiss her, and she kissed him back, and that means something, that has to mean something, but he isn’t sure what, and now she’s just looking at him, reading him, and he doesn’t know what to say, what to do.

“What does this mean?” she asks, and he doesn’t have an answer, not unless he tells her how he feels, but suddenly, he’s scared… he’s scared to use those precious words. They’ve never passed his lips, and he’s scared now to say them.

“Trust goes both ways,” he says, and he’s copying her words, but with them, he’s telling her that he trusts her. “This means that I’m with you, until the end. That you are… that you are home.”

She looks almost stricken, like he had slapped her, rather than confessing his feelings, and she shakes her head twice, lips pressing together as she swallows.

“We’re going to die. You know that, right? Most of us are going to die - if we’re lucky, Bodhi will get back with the plans, but-”

“Then I’m dying with no regrets,” he confesses, and he pushes off from the wall, his hand going to her face, to cradle her cheek, some of her hair coming loose from the bun. “It means that I’m going to die, making sure you get off that planet, that you completed the mission.”

“I’m not leaving you behind,” she says, and he shakes his head, smiling sadly.

“You’re going to live. I’m going to make sure that you live.”

“Only if you come with me…”

Their hands are pulling at each others clothes, her vest coming off her frame, his shirt tugging out of his pants, and when he presses her to the door, he forgets to be quiet, forgets to silence her moans. They can probably hear them on the other side of the door, but then she kisses him again, her fingers tangle in the hair on the back of his head, and he can’t remember to care.

He knows he shouldn’t do this, knows he should be planning the assault, knows he should be talking to their team, but he can’t pull himself from her. His hands dip lower, into the back of her pants, and she tilts her head up, exposing her throat as one leg goes around his waist. 

He spends his last few hours pressed against her, between her legs, her taste on his tongue, her fingers in his hair, and he promises to her, vows between kisses, that he will always be with her.

It’s beautiful, in an eerie way, how the Death Star sends a beam of energy, enough to destroy a planet, and it touches down across the ocean. The waves are still falling onto the beach, and he can see it, the wave of power heading their way, but he isn’t afraid. He isn’t afraid as he holds her hand, as he feels the peace hit him.

“You can still run,” he tells her, and he finally looks at Jyn, standing beside him.

She gives a shrug, a half smile on her lips as she looks away from the view before them, looks to him. “I told you - together, or not at all.”

He gives a nod, then glances back over his shoulder. So many died, so many sacrificed… but the plans were sent. He knows that, believes that… they didn’t die in vain.

“You’re going to be stuck with me for all eternity, then,” he says, and she laughs, she laughs and it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

“Jyn, I-”

“Can you two hurry up already?” 

Melshi is standing there at the bottom of the shuttle, and it’s ready to take off, the last of the wounded loaded onto their escape ship, and Jyn gives a nod. They have more time than they did on Jedha, but there’s no point in pushing it to the edge.

“We’ll face it together,” she says, and yeah, he likes the sound of that.

“Are you with me?” he asks, and he’s taking a half step towards the shuttle, the bacta patch on his injury only doing so much to soothe the pain.

“All the way.”

She always made him feel like a new man, looked at him like he was forgiven, like his weight wasn’t carrying him down, looked at him like she knew him, knew his soul, and he-

“It hurts to relax,” he gasps, and that means something, is a hint, that something deep within his muscles is too tense from the cold. Everything around the base, it feels like he’s constantly on edge, teeth chattering, fists clenched, and it has transferred into his back, to the point he can’t even try to relax.

“Then you’re not trying hard enough,” Jyn says. She’s sitting on his ass, where she always sits, and there’s warm blankets tucked all around him, even around his neck, and her hands are gliding up and over the skin, a warming oil on her fingers, so with each pass, it warms the muscles underneath. “You have to let go, Cassian. I know it’s cold, but it’s going to stay cold.”

It takes another ten minutes before she finally gets a knot out of his lower back, and when her hands release, cold fills him... but so does relaxation. His teeth chatter a little, no longer being clenched, and Jyn slides off his back, moving to pull off the blankets.

“Alright, come on,” she says, and she moves to the fresher door, pulling it open. She’s already turning the knobs, and water begins to pour out. Her hands are on her clothes next, tugging them off, and Cassian pushes down his pants and his socks, following after Jyn until they’re both in the shower.

The water is hot, so hot it almost burns, but she nudges it down just enough that, after having the main knot in his back released, he’s able to finally feel warm without being so tense.

“Just relax,” Jyn says again, and he knows she’s in here with him, pressed behind him. Her hands mess with the head, turning it so that it’s hitting Cassian’s shoulders as he leans against the wall, and Jyn then rubs at his lower back again, trying to stretch out the muscles.

It takes time, so much time, but Jyn doesn’t complain, and with each pass, more of the tension fades, more of the stress relaxes, until finally, Cassian feels nearly boneless, Jyn now standing in front of him, his head on her shoulder, and his weight bending down onto hers.

“I’ve got you,” she promises, and Jyn is leaning back against the fresher wall, the water still hitting his back. He’s entirely out of it, even better than he is after an orgasm, and he gives a nod, his face pressed into her neck.

“Thank you,” he whispers, and she runs her fingers into his hair. There’s still soap in there, and she’s running her nails over his scalp, but they’re in no rush to get out. Not until the water goes cold.

“Always, Cassian. You know I’m happy to do this for you.”

He lets out a noise, and she hushes him, her fingers running over his neck, working at the muscles there. They are not from an old injury, are instead a product of long desk work, but she massages them all the same.

He’s half asleep where he stands, the only thing he can feel being Jyn’s hands on his body, and the water hitting his back.