#reaperrants

And he swears up and down that before Hell, he had a damn near perfect memory but 70 years in Hell will screw something up about you, if not everything.

Why do you think they document every case with time cards and why he carries a journal around? It’s because without it, he’d genuinely would not remember a lot of shit. If it isn’t written down, to Edwin, it’s almost like it never happened. And not to mention how I think he’s terrible with names too. He confused Charles’s name with so many things for years, and only just recently got better at remembering them. And Charles never really got pissed off or faulted Edwin for it, because at the end of the day, Edwin is REMEMBERING.

He genuinely panics about the passage of time too. Quickest way to get him in a dissociative shutdown? Manipulate the clocks around him to have passed faster than they should, you will have him actually having a panic attack over it. His concept of time was so fucked in Hell, he prefers to have a clock or some kind of watch with him to keep track of time. Because he knows if he didn’t, after he finished a book or solved a case, he wouldn’t know if 20 minutes or 20 years had passed.

The memories were fuzzy for the longest that when Edwin finally felt safe, felt adored and appreciated and loved and cared for, THAT’S when the memories starting becoming clearer. And trust, it was not pretty in the slightest. Like Charles could do something or say something so small and it’d make Edwin freeze up for a good ten minutes. Like not blinking, an entirely unresponsive demeanor and it’d make Charles panic and when Edwin snapped out of it, he wouldn’t have a single clue what actually caused it. It could’ve been a smell, it could’ve been a doll head, it could’ve been a certain screech from a monster, he wouldn’t know. He never really knows.

I wish we would talk more about how 70 years in Hell would’ve fucked Edwin up so much because ghosts appear to have a subconscious, and if you have a subconscious, you have a psyche. And 70 years in HELL would’ve caused permanent damage to just about ANYONE’S psyche.

Maybe I’m remembering the books wrong but I always used to think it was the weirdest thing on the planet that most of the demigods had body problems before going to the camps.

Leo was underweight, Percy got sick easily (if I can remember?), whatever Nico had going on, etc etc. And I thought it was the weirdest thing ever but now I actually have an idea for it.

What if it’s actually NOT that uncommon for demigods to have issues with their health and bodies before coming to their camps? And this is because most of the time demigods aren’t found is because they’re unconsciously suppressing their abilities? It’s like letting water build up in a pipe, eventually, that pipe is going to slowly break down.

It’s why demigods any older than teenagers/adults are rarely found. By then, the pressure from constantly repressing their abilities have already killed them. Compared to other demigods, using their abilities their parents gave them makes them happier, healthier, etc. (Percy who had an horrible immune system before Camp Halfblood vs damn near rarely getting sick EVER.)

And yes, this all circles back to Leo. Leo who is scrawny and underweight. Leo who I think gets constant migraines, hands that shake easily, gets hot or cold flashes, etc. Who has constant fatigue and appetite issues. Hear me out. Most of that can be traced back to his time in foster care BUT what if it’s also because he was actively suppressing his ability to control fire? And it was LITERALLY weighing him down?

So when Leo FINALLY accepts his fire as apart of him? When he finally accepts that his mother dying was NOT his fault? When he FINALLY learns to love himself and apologizes to himself for constantly keeping himself in pain, all of the sudden, he’s…lighter. Happier. He’s using his power and it’s fucking great. His muscles stop aching all of the time, he sleeps deeper, his hands stop shaking, and all of the food he’s eating actually tastes wonderful.

what if I told you that in this AU, John Walker is a recently divorced military veteran who guy dishonorably discharged for something he does NOT want to talk about.

What if I told you after his wife won the lawsuit and the custody battle, he comes across an apartment looking for a new roommate to have. He finds the weird apartment listing of requirements: “must be cool with loud voices at night, lots of tech equipment, fake blood and occasional group projects. rent negotiable.”

When he goes there — he meets Yelena Belova, a blonde Slavic girl who laughs just as quickly as she turns to anger. A dry and sarcastic woman named Ava Starr, James “Bucky” Barnes who’s more quiet out of the bunch, and Robert “Bob” Reynolds — a brunette man in baggier clothes who seemed more reserved and actually antagonized John on his first day.

Which is why I am of the opinion that Caleo could not be a good ship because Calypso could mostly likely only do one of these things. Two if she’s having a bad day. NOW before we start cheering or start throwing the tomatoes, let me explain. (From an unbiased point of view.)

But Leo needs someone who’s gonna challenge him. Not too much that he’ll go out of his way just to defy you on something but enough to keep himself motivated. He’s quick with his remarks, he’s gotta have someone who can throw it back just as quickly. And I can’t emphasize this enough, someone who will match his crazy. This little dude is honestly low-key batshit insane and to have a healthy relationship, he needs someone who can understand it and match it.

And I’m going to tell you why I believe Calyspo cannot do all of these things:

1. His intelligence.

While I do believe Calyspo is very intelligent (she’s a goddess after all) and could match Leo on that, there’s a difference between raw intellect and thought process. In the books, Calyspo literally states that Leo treats every situation like a problem to be fixed. While she wasn’t completely off the bat and Leo does have a problem with doing that, she didn’t both trying to figure out exactly WHY and how to meet him in that level.

Patterns make sense to Leo. The one way to tell that the cogs in his brain are working at top speed is when he gets that look in his eyes and rolls up his sleeves and gets ready to work. A high to him is solving what was actually wrong with something and managing to fix it. And as a coping skill, he applies this logic to real life. And it makes it so much intense and harder for him because his emotions are involved.

Calyspo, unfortunately, is still just a goddess at the end of the day. Or at least, was one. She can’t relate to Leo’s thought process, why things connect the way it does. She doesn’t think in patterns like him. They have two very different ways of looking at things, and this isn’t to say Leo needs someone who thinks like him. He needs someone who can UNDERSTAND how he thinks and Calyspo clearly can’t if she made a comment like that.

Two, his humor.

One thing I couldn’t see them actually connecting on his humor. Not saying Calyspo doesn’t have a sense of humor, no. She has a different sense of humor and Leo’s sense of humor is the akin to flirting with someone not because he wants them but because he finds it hilarious.

But Leo’s WHOLE thing is humor. That’s the one thing he uses on a day to day basis to connect with people. (Which is a whole issue on its own when he starts thinking that’s all he’s good for but we will get back to that.) A relationship with Leo, you gotta connect via humor. If he talks shit, you need to be able to talk shit back. I cannot emphasize on how having similar senses of humor is so important for a relationship, ESPECIALLY one with Leo “will joke than talk about his feelings” Valdez. You have to at least have similar senses of humor and he and Calyspo have two different sense of what’s funny and what isn’t.

Leo is the type to insult someone he loves for fun. And Calyspo will straight up kill him for that (/hj).

Three, his crazy.

I said Calyspo could match Leo’s crazy on a bad day. I was not lying. The point is — Calyspo is mostly stable and being in a relationship with Leo would lead to them not only disagreeing over plenty but miscommunication after miscommunication. I fear their relationship would be nothing but miscommunications which leads to fighting with leads to built up resentment in the relationship. You see where I’m going with this?

And it feels like (correct me if I’m wrong) that Leo is constantly walking this tight rope of genius and madness. Always on the verge of letting his emotions consume him or his thoughts get too much, I swear he said something in the book about not liking being left alone with his thoughts too much but maybe I’m wrong. Idk. 🤷

But like I was saying, Leo’s the type to walk this tight rope so long as people applaud. So long as people still see him as useful and worth keeping around, even if it’s slowly chipping away at his will, his health and his sanity.

And I don’t think he needs someone to help him walk this tight rope. He’s been doing this for a long time, he knows how not to fall. But sometimes, he’ll just…stand there and wait for a wind to swing him one side or the other. (Much like how he is about his life, Leo is careless.) He’d need someone to help him see that at least turning this tightrope into a bridge so it’s easier to walk is an option. Someone to challenge him just enough that he’ll do it and start drawing the blueprints the next time he tries to walk it.

Hmm. I wonder who’s the best at understanding how Leo thinks and giving him complete control in his environment, good at reigning him back, convincing him that he’s worth more than he presents himself as, and motivating him by just challenging him enough that by the time he realizes what happened, he already made something wonderful. I wonder who. (ahem ahem, Jason Grace, ahem.)

But this isn’t a valgrace post. Rick trying to use Calyspo as a bandaid for Leo’s issues we should’ve seen him get to work through ASIDE (not to mention age gap), realistically speaking, even if that was not the case — Calyspo and Leo could not be in a relationship. Even if they got into one, they would not be able to last very long. They could be friends but they’d quite literally tear each other apart in a relationship/hj

like imagine how simon even figured this out. he’s trying to pull his own weight on the hail mary, when he accidentally cuts himself on some mechanism. those voices in his head, he’s almost grown used to all of them. they’re chattering and talking and telling him that he needs to go back to the ocean of blood (yeah FUCK THAT), normal stuff. for him. hell, he’d even say he’s found comfort the constant voices. now when grace sees him just nodding or shaking his head to seemingly nothing, he doesn’t bat an eye at it.

he curses and grace immediately goes over and before he can even start fussing, simon says he’s okay and it’s just a surface level wound. it wasn’t even bleeding that bad by his standards. he’ll just go disinfect and clean and bandage it, and then he’ll be right back to work. he’s walks away, closes himself in the bathroom. he’s about to patch himself up when the blood just…rises. literally rises. in small little warbled bubbles. but the gravity’s on the ship, so it can’t be the low gravity. he hears those voices getting louder and louder and he feels his breathing quicken and oh god why did it have to be blood, hasn’t he seen enough fucking blood, he doesn’t want to go back, please, he doesn’t want to go back—

enter ryland grace, coming in to check on simon when simon yelps and the blood zooms past. it nearly cuts grace but grace dodges it in time and it lands as a jagged piece in the wall. they both hear rocky yell, “IS GRACE AND SIMON OKAY, QUESTION?!” and grace yells, “yeah buddy, we’re fine! were okay!” they are NOT.

grace so clearly thinks simon NEEDS to experiment with these newfound abilities because this is everything against when he’s learned while simon doesn’t want to go near it with a ten foot pole. why would he? he’s seen enough blood in his lifetime. he doesn’t want to give that giant eel monster the satisfaction, regardless of it being apart of him now. but he can feel the ability like an itch if he doesn’t use it. annoyingly persistent and chipping away at his stubbornness and fear by the day. paired with those voices? yeah.

so when simon finally agrees, grace is ecstatic. he hasn’t had something as wonderful as this since astrophage! he makes himself a very willing test subject (since where else is simon supposed to get blood), simon scared to even do so not just because of the goddamn horror he experienced but the idea that he could kill grace if he makes one wrong move. one wrong flick of the wrist or passing thought and he could fucking explode the guy’s brain stem. so he’s says no, at first.

no—he needs to practice on himself first. he doesn’t even have a good idea of human anatomy, he just can…feel it. and hear it. like rocky can hear grace’s heartbeat, but simon can feel the blood going into grace’s heart. he can hear every breath he takes and feel his lungs expanding, and those goddamn voices in his head reminds him that he knows almost instinctively how to steal the breath out of those lungs without grace ever knowing he was holding it captive.

he starts with slow things. healing cuts or bruises, playing around with his own blood and body. then, slowing a heartbeat, slowing a pulse, calming chemicals in the brain, anatomy study. then, knocking grace out. reducing oxygen and blood flow, a painless ticket to unconsciousness. and it’s slow, but simon gets more comfortable. he gets a little more accepting of this part of him, just like the recent teeth on the side of his face or the webbed ears. just another thing he has, another thing he can do.