Realizing What You Need
Starting over is never easy; sometimes it takes a dramatic change in one's life to step back and reevaluate your life. I had this moment a few weeks ago when I was sitting at my doctors office after hearing the news that I had miscarried my child.The last ten years of my life had flashed before me and asked myself the simple question that everyone was asking, was I ok? In my head I processed it slowly. That word ok? I felt slightly crampy, my emotions were what you would expect saddens, anger at myself, guilt. Since I learned I was pregnant I had this looming feeling that something was off or something that was wrong. I couldn’t explain it to my fiancé after all. I didn’t want him feeling like I didn’t want a child with him. That was not the case, in this moment I had to rethink everything. Was I happy ? I have a great family of three beautiful children,one soon to be step son,and an incredible husband to be, we have a roof over our head, food in our bellies, and yet I wasn’t fulfilled but I didn’t know what I was lacking.
The more and more I thought about it my biggest stress is that as it always has been, money. I make decent money as a full time pet stylist at a small privately owned boarding and grooming facility and I enjoyed my job, but it wasn’t my dream. When I had graduated high school ten years ago everyone asked where do you see yourself in that time, without hesitation I would also say I will be a fashion designer with my own brand that I was sure of. I laugh at thinking about that now, I still sew once and awhile but I feel as if that dream has died. I have always had a passion for business with a million ideas running through my mind at any given moment of my next big venture. I was always taught to go for my dreams but burdened by the fear of being penniless. I came up with the plan of having a stable job until I can save up enough to start my line sooner than I thought that stable job would turn into a career I didn’t intend to have. Don’t get me wrong I loved my job as a groomer. I adored my clients and their owners and it allowed me to meet some amazing people.
This job though as much as I love and cherish it has taken me down a path I did not expect and now almost 30 having me questioning what I have done with my life. There I was with my legs crossed, my mask on as I am waiting to make a follow up appointment thinking something has to change, I had this all planned that I was going to keep grooming til I gave birth and until We had saved up to get a house I finally saw the flaw in my planning and my lists, I was putting my life on hold until I have reach some step that may never happen. No more I said almost brought to tears I am going in afraid, something that stuck with me after reading and listening to Tina Black’s Be series, I have always been terrified to not have a “stable job” a “9-5” so to speak. It wasn’t that I was afraid to not be able to make the money but I guess what others will think. I have always had many sources or income and ways to make money.
Before Covid 19 I had gone part time to focus on my speed dating business that was a flop for the sheer fact of the effort I was putting in. I had decided In this moment of vulnerability that I had nowhere to go but up, this is my restart I need to choose something and stick to it. Since then I have reached out and asked for the help I need more than I have realized I am in the process of trying to find a mentor and life coach. For the last few years I have been listening to podcasts and reading books about powerful successful people that I wanted to be like, and the most disheartening thing is seeing these incredible people have been established they are in their peaks. All the people I aspired to be were close to my end goal and I have been scared to jump in.
The biggest question for me that has stopped me was, where do I begin? How do I start this journey? Being a type of person that puts my whole heart into things with almost perfectionist tendencies, what type of job could I do that would allow me to work from home and spend the most time with my growing family? I am sure almost everyone has looked up how to work from home at one point or another in their life. The most common ‘easy answer’ is starting a blog, that just made me laugh out loud, anyone that knows me knows I am terrible at two things spelling and well the english language most days it's hard enough for me to not write a sentence without ….. And shit attached to the end of it. Even in that simple factor of a blog it wasn’t that simple, if you google how to start a blog you get bombarded with ads and so many people telling stories how they have made so much by just blogging on spaces like blue host or things like that. All I knew is that isn’t what I wanted I didn’t want to become someone that just advertises for a company just to make a quick buck if I was going into this I want to help others that are in a same boat as me struggling to make their dreams come true and still have it all, a family, a home, and peace of mind knowing that you are fulfilled in all aspects of life. I may completely fail at this, maybe this will just be something to read for a quick laugh or maybe you might relate to something I say or cover. Well this is Ann just a mom trying to just have it all.
