August 20th 2017 11:44pm

 Lets start this on a positive note. On a positive meditation. Which is: It’s always good to go with your gut. Sometimes you may doubt your gut. You may, and probably will think things like: “Well shit. I really feel, and think that this is a good idea, but I also feel a crippling sense of doubt.”

I think, this is normal. There’s an idea that going with your gut comes with an utter sense of purpose and zero doubt about what you’re doing. NOT TRUE. Nope, nope, nope.

Just how not going with your gut may produce a sense of doubt, it goes the other way too. The only difference is, you untimely feel more grounded about going with your gut.

The plan was to go cliff jumping today with my very dear friend Alder. However, my psychiatrist sort of called me out on my bullshit. Like “How is this going to help with your compulsivity?”

So I asked my dad to take us to this little island that I’ve wanted to explore. Honestly, I felt wracked with a sort of sadness and anticipitory-regret, contemplating when I’ll get a chance to do this local cliff jump. Counting the days I have left in the summer when I’ll be in the area. To get it done. I was convinced I wasn’t going to enjoy myself.

When we were dropped off at the dock, a ferry was just about to go and I said to Alder “I kind of just want to say “screw you family” and go take the ferry back and go cliff jumping. What do you think?”

“Well, I’m not new to the whole “screw you family” thing and cliff jumping is fun but I don’t really care. What do you want to do?”

What do I want to do?

My gut… I wanted to not lie to my parents and explore the island no matter how hard my impulsivity and obsessive mind was dragging me the other way.

Let me tell you, it was HARD to say “Well. Let’s just wait for an hour at least. For the next ferry.”

But I am so, so, so, glad I did.

We got this freakin’ massive ice cream, talked to some locals, and began our walk.

We walked to ancient tree, frolicked around, kicked a random exercise ball around, meditated (I did at least).

Once all that was done, we were deciding wether to go on a massive hike or go home and maybe do the local cliff jump.

Again, a chance to follow my gut or otherwise.

So, I decided that the hike was probably a fair but to do with calories, and I just wanted to “head home.”

But, as we were walking down the trail I thought of doing the local cliff jump, and how that felt like a defeat. I wouldn’t be doing it out of joy, but because I need it to feel like I “can enjoy my summer” or something like that.

So, I thought, “Well. Maybe it’s not just one obsession or another. The walking or the jumping. Maybe I can find something else.”

Long story short, we went looking for a beach and a lady gave us a ride to a dock. Which of course got me all nervous thinking “Backflips anyone?” BUT, I was able to manage my thoughts. I was able to be like “Y’know what? No. N, fucking no. I’m not going to do anything thats remotely an obsessive thing, that I don’t feel happy or good about. Not if I’m sure. So I didn’t. And Y’know what? I didn’t do one backflip, or backdive, or dangerous thing, (I did jump off of a little rock into mystery waters but that was fine I’m sure) but swimming through the water, diving under a little, smiling, doing front crawl, wrestling on docks with Alder, I felt brave.

That was cool. That was really really cool.

So much so, that on the way back when we got a ride from these other people and they said “Nice swimming today.” I said “Thank you.” Before awkwardly mumbling out, because I realized the error of my ways. No Margo, they were commenting on the water overall, not your fun (front)dives and graceful front crawl. But, I was proud.

I really, really, like Alder. He can empathize with my mind getting “stuck on things” he thinks it may be the ADD, and I don’t feel like I need to “pretend” around him. I’m never trying to please him, (Except to make sure he’s rested and has food. Good island Italian by the way) I don’t feel like I need to put on a face. I can stop and read an infographic about water management and he’ll read it with me.

Today, the sun, the water, the nature, the laughter, the freedom, that esscence of exactly what I’m after, today (Well yesterday) was my best summer day so far.

July 23rd 2017

4:36pm

I’m writing now because I’m going to baby sit with my sister soon and I won’t be able to write when I get back around 10pm. It’s straight to bed with me. I need my freakin’ sleep.

I’m pretty sure I have a dopamine deficiency. I’ve been self medicating for a long time by giving into obsessive behaviors and impulses that cause dopamine release. Namely exercise, tree climbing, building climbing, jumping large and risky gaps, log walking, dangerous thing doing.

Now not all of those things listed are “bad” per say, but when I can’t relax until the thing is “done” or I convinced myself that climbing this specific tree is the only thing that will make me feel “normal” and allow me to enjoy the rest of my day, it’s kind of a life drainer.

How am I supposed to do the things I want to do when I’m constantly dancing around obstacles in my surroundings? Various locations where I may or may not climb a certain tree/jump a certain gap/ run up a certain set of stairs. Part of me really wants to do the thing and part of me is scared to do the thing and part of me is scared of feeling powerless over the impulse to do the thing.

So I avoid it, or give in, or somewhere in between.

Usually my brain fixates on one thing. For a long time it was this jump between two concrete strips , now that I’m farther away from the location of the jump I fixated on a tree climb for a while. Now, it’s more convenient for me to fixate on this other specific tree closer to my residence so that’s what my brain is fixated on.

When are you going to do it?

When are you going to be alone at the beach so you can climb it?

Stop running away from it!

It’ll feel so good to be in the tree, high off the grounds over some sharp rocks, one with nature.

excetera excetera...

For those who are reading this wondering, when I give into the obsession I actually do feel better. For a short time. Then the reliance on doing the behaviors though becomes stronger and the voices become stronger and soon I’m wasting my hours trying to feed some insatiable beast.

It’s very much a tolerance building thing.

When I get close to doing the behavior, but not quite it absolutely tortures me. I berate myself, get down on myself, become incredibly anxious and depressed until the behavior is done.

July 25th 2017

11:02pm

I went and did babysitting. It was kind of an anxiety fest. I ended up on the roof. Trying to scare the kids for fun question mark.

On the 24th I went for yoga (ran there because I was going to be late question mark) and impulsively climbed a tree.

Anyways, today was awesome. I went for a great hike. It was like, three hours, but whatever. Okay, maybe less. 10:30...11:30...12:30.... whatever it doesn’t matter. It was fun and even though I wanted to restrict, I didn’t. At dinner, I admitted I was hungry and ate for my hunger level. And then we went swimming. Even though it would’ve been a beautiful day for a cliff jump I didn’t. To challenge it I guess. It must come from within. The desire for change, and the genuine desire to do things. And by within I mean from your heart not your brain.

You know what a beautiful thing is? Eating with your hunger cues. It’s amazing. It truly is.

Today, after a long day of fun hiking and running around downtown to go to this exercise group I was really hungry. At the exercise group. (For people that struggle with compulsive exercise, not really an exercise class ya doofuses) I was having a hard time concentrating, and felt like restricting more, but luckily I got myself an apple and milk.

At home my parents suggested I have another fish taco. I was like “Okay.” but as soon as I put it on my plate I felt anxious.

I got up afterwards to feed the cat, but as soon as I did I felt hungry again.

I could’ve been like “Nah.” but instead I was like “Yah.” and I ate the 3rd fish taco!

I felt nice and satiated afterwards, and y’know what? I had so much more energy to go swimming and play with my siblings. I felt a lot happier and stronger over all.

Exercise is great! But only if you eat food so you can be strong!

“I can honestly say that I love you, but i’m not in love with you anymore.”

Would that it could be that easy for all of us.  The sad, stupid, melodramatic truth is that not only do I love you, S, but that I never got out of love with you. This shouldn’t be news to me.  You have said as much before.  But a part of me, a hopelessly hopeful part still believed that maybe someday that I would have you back in my life.  

12/20/16 S, I love you. In a not-just-friends, heart-broken-for-you kind of way.

It was true then and it is true now.   

“I don’t think love really goes it away if you truly someone; it just changes shape and color.”

You’re right. But my love doesn’t have the decency to change from its hurtful burden to something I can experience cleanly and without complications.  Its home has changed but the edges of my love, now angular and jagged, chafe and scratch against their housing. No my love is exactly how it used to be, only lonelier.  

9/21/16 “Alone” might be a little melodramatic but her absence was a powerful loss. ... I can see the scars from the lashings I took.

We both point our fingers at elements of our failed relationship and assess blame:

5/16/2015 Unobtainable. She, S, - my lover - despite being present at the house, near me in proximity and at the core of my heart, is out of reach.  We share a home, sleep together, and say we love each other - a prayer perhaps - but, for as much as we can connect on an intimate level, we may as well just refer to each other as roommates.

No chains or walls or beasts to slay stand between me and my lover’s heart. Instead at the diner of her soul I stand behind a velvet rope and a sign that, in swooping script, reads: “Reserved.” And I, the gentleman, dare not traverse this barrier, the lady lost, sits at the bar await my company but is unsure how to extend an invitation.  She seems to exist somewhere beyond my grasp as we share a meal at the dinner table. We are very familiar strangers.

5/16/16 I don’t really know who she is anymore.  I’m not sure I ever knew.  ... To be honest, I am not sure if my relationship will weather the storm. ... Only time will tell, as always, and I haven’t yet given up.

5/31/16 My relationship with S is struggling. ... This could mean a breakup and even further changes in my plans. Why is it that my life is always in a state of almost? “If I could just get....” seems to be my mantra. Always struggling, always drowning, always searching. 

12/20/16 You. Left. And blamed me for your leaving. And used her as your justification. Our relationship deteriorated because of your problems that you didn’t decide to confront directly until they destroyed us.  You will never understand your part in this. 

She has her own perspective and we will likely never see eye to eye on the situation.  But the truth is it doesn’t matter who has the better view as the fact of what we see is that we are no longer together and we won’t find ourselves together again. 

“I’m not in love with you anymore.....it changes shape.”

I think it is time that I do something I thought I had done but realized that I had not.  I need more distance from this if I am ever going to let go of this hope.

5/22/17 How long can it go before we stop calling it hope and start calling it foolishness?

October 13th 2016

4:45pm

August 18th 

11:10pm

Yuki is coming over tomorrow, for a couple of nights I think. My family is looking forward too it. My mum called her “sweetie” on the phone while arranging travel details. Which is exciting, and kind of nerve wracking. I still, and probably always will, have romantic feelings towards her. That’s not the sort of thing you can turn off. So, when we hug, hang out, go for night walks, whatever, I feel like man more, and want to put my arm around her. 

I can’t fight those feelings. I have to accept them, and let them wash over me, but try not to dwell on them too much. They are just emotions, they are what they are. Distressing as they might be. 

I was FUH-reakin’ out about my gender identity today. Super OCD type thoughts. Am I trans? And I gender fluid? Why am I not exploring my sexual identity? Am I scared to wear men’s clothes?

Keep in mind, this was after I had just run 26klm. Indeed. It was half-marathon day. And give into OCD plank day on the way day. Oh hey. Anyways, I was super disoriented after that. Getting chills, feeling lightheaded and completely spent. I’m much better now. 

It was not long after I told my mum (sitting on the picnic bench, facing out, while she swung on one of those canopied bench swings) I might be gender fluid or gender neutral, and she was telling me comforting things, that I realized I REALLY wasn’t thinking straight.

I had just eaten like 8 instant potstickers. This is not something I would usually do. I was not cognitive-ing normal enough to be aware of awful, bad processed calories. Oh me. Not only that, but my gender identity was up in the air like it never usually is, causing me great amounts of distress like it never usually is. My world was big and distant and I wasn’t processing it, and making decisions constantly like I usually am. I seemed to be forgetting myself. 

Then I realized last night I forgot my meds. 

“Do you think one missed dose could make this much of a difference?” I asked my mum.

“Oh yahhh!” She responded assuredly, with the tone of an experienced nurse who told an anxious woman she’s sure she’s pregnant. 

I was skeptical; what does she know about mood stabilizers? But I followed her instructions and took my missed dose.

Within an hour I was feeling better. I had settled and calmed down.

Was it the meds? Food? The power of suggestion? Coming down from a massive run? Perhaps a combination, I kept moving, drank lots of water and was alright.

We went, got pizza and went for a swim. I have this weird thing where I feel the need to do dangerous things in the water. Like dive down into a crack between the rocks where there is like a 8% chance I could get stuck and drown. I don’t know. Please lord let me be smarter. Or swim far away, so my parents call me back.

This stuff, this OCD distracts from who I’m meant to be. It drains me of creativity. I saw an article about a past public speaking competitor who won a national award and is now traveling with $5000 in prize money to some huge competition and I thought to myself: “What am I doing with my life?”

Like. I never used to run, or exercise. I love it now, not going to give it up, but this obsessiveness must stop, it can’t occupy my mind. It evaporates my organic creativity and passion. When I go for a walk with my sister and get sidetracked in the underbrush (Like I did heh...heh... good thing she was there to turn me around.) It should be purely for adventure, not CALORIES goddamn it! My mum tells me to turn around during swimming today: “Your trying to exercise!” She was wrong for once about that, actually. It was more/adventure with a pinch of seeing an obsessive relief. 

Yoga tomorrow, sleep in like 45min. Realistically. I’m tired.

Ps: I love how my parents look out for me, warn me of the dangers of cold water. But, I’ve got to start looking out for myself. Lest I perish in a turbulent water of regret.

August 11th 2016

11:22pm

I must sleep. I don’t know why I’m egging my sister on by telling her to watch an episode of Chef’s table. I must take a little step. One step at a time. That’s how I started that exercise thing right, right? Running around the block. That’s all I could take. 

Today, I ran 23klm. A little over half marathon. I mean... maybe 10 minutes of that was plank, checking direction, calling my dad at a merciful bakery (that let me use a phone, which I got sort of sweaty) to tell him I’m going to be longer than expected, and nervously eating a gel packet that I thought I wasn’t going to eat, but felt compelled too after thinking about obsessive planking. 

Man, what a run. Up, down, around. No cutting corners. I thought it would take me 2 hours. It took me 3.5hours. It was long, grinding. Have you ever seen a road that never ends? Isn’t it funny how the same road you drive along seems to stretch to eternity? How landmarks are missed and how thankful you are when you see you didn’t miss a road. Up down. This wasn’t your average half marathon. It was a half marathon of hills, and dirt, and slow jog and push and lovely. 

When it was done, I was exhausted and exhilarated. I ate. I probably didn’t even eat enough! Okay 500 calories for breakfast. 400 calorie energy ball. 100 calorie of cookie. 200 calorie snacks 120 calories fruit 300 calories more snack. 500 calories dinner. Oh! 300 calories energy drink. This is all overestimation. Okay, like 2400 calories. I need 1500 calories. I burnt 1200 calories. So... that’s still like a 200 deficit. I think. I don’t know. 

I also did a poetry reading in a beautiful garden. I’m glad I reached out and asked for chance to do so. I did and read some slam poems/poems one I wrote the night before. The man in charge’s nerdy boy exclaimed I got a “free cookie!” that he was selling. Then I watched others read underneath the wind and green trees. And at the end I was called up again for an encore by the man in charge. I messed up, but recovered quickly.