Blog: The first message.
Remember the old days when we women waited for the man to make the first move or send the first message? Or go back even further when women didn't even have a say in who they would be with? Well that rule- along with many of the rules of dating- have been turned on their head in the last generation or so. Now many men actually like it when a woman sends the first message. And the women like the power of doing so, of being the instigator. But I'm not one of those women. Not because I'm necessarily old fashioned (though a guy who opens doors for you, holds your chair out for you etc is quite nice) but more so because of the pressure that first message presents. As one article said "online dating is a little like gaming. Writing a message and getting a girl to reply is the final battle with the boss. In order to win, you’ll need all the knowledge, strength, and skill you’ve acquired so far." (1) I know this may sound petty but I loathe the boring "hey" or "hi" message because all too often they seem to result in stilted conversations like this with T on Oasis Active: T: Hey. Me: Hi, how are you? T: Good, you? Me: Yeah good too. Two days later: T: Hows things? Me: Pretty good, yourself? Glad its almost the weekend. T: Can't complain. Next day: T: Hi. Me: Hi. Three days later: T: hey. Me: Hi, how was your weekend? T: good, yours? Me: Yeah good, [i did X and y], what did you get up to? Two days later: T: Hi. Me: Hi back. Ugh. Whereas if T had opened with introducing himself or asking questions that showed he'd read my bio or wanted to know more about me or loved a bit of banter then I'm fairly certain the convo would have gone better. Like this one with J on Tinder: J: Hi there A, my name's J. I think the beers half full not half empty. And your eye reminds me of my favourite blow up sex doll, God rest her soul. Me: Hi J, nice to meet you. I couldn't agree more on the beer. I'm sorry to hear that something happened to your blow up doll. Don't tell anyone but my eyes were in fact copied for a line of sex dolls but they were unicorns so I'm not sure you had that one. Dare I ask what happened to your doll? J: It's still quite traumatising for me but it turns out sex blow up dolls do not double as pool toys. :( Yes it's a weird opening but that chat provided me with laughter and banter for ages. My problem is I'm great with joking/flirting/chatting when someone else starts it and/or I'm not super paranoid about meeting them but I'm not so great at starting it (unless it's one of the cases where I'm trying to get revenge on fuckboys by using shit pickup lines). I know that a witty starter, finding common ground, showing the kind of person you are, and selling yourself would be great but does it mean I can do it? (Spoiler alert: that's a big fat hells no.) So how *do* we write the perfect first message? I made a poll on Twitter and yahoo answers and asked a bunch of my single FB friends (male and female) where I asked two questions. 1) Would you prefer a a) funny, b) direct sex or c) serious first message? 77% said funny, followed by 16% the direct approach and 7% serious. And 2) In a first message is it more important to a) compliment their looks, b) connect to their personality or c) use common ground? For this one I'm going to tell you the male and female responses. Men said 58% compliment their looks, 35% compliment their personality and 7% common ground. Females were 64% personality, 21% common ground, and 15% looks. But as I've pretty much clearly stated I'm paranoid about the perfect first message and as it turns out so are many, many others. I mean there are even apps giving people first messages to send like "Tickups for Tinder: pickup lines for Tinder" (free but has those sneaky little moneymaking in-app purchases available), "Dating app cheat: Lines for Tinder, OkCupid" (free but has in-app purchases), "uFlirt Speed Dating & Chat Pickup Lines" (free but has in-app purchases), "Sexy Pickup Lines- Find Fun Single Date Up 4 Sex" (free but has in-app purchases), "Pickup lines button" (free), "Pickup lines for dating hot girls on chat" ($1.49), and "Super sexy pick up lines" (free) amongst many more. (2) This was just from searching pickup lines on the app store.) Personally I wouldn't be using an app for pickup lines but given the pressure of that impression the first message has to make I kind of get others using them. Experts have been posting advice on the perfect first message pretty much since the time online dating apps/sites reached their peak in approximately 2010/11. I've lost count of the number of pieces I've read about do's and dont's of messages plus mine and friends own opinions. So here is my list of things that can help you write a great first message guys (and gals): * Make it funny. A funny message gets a response from me, be it a silly intro, a silly joke, a silly pickup line or a silly gif. * Write a message about common ground. It could be you are both into camping, or barrack for the same football team, work in the same career, both list stamp collecting as a hobby etc. And if there isn't any obvious common ground from what you see? Well perhaps make a joke about the fun of swiping through endless profiles because chances are she or he has done the same thing. * Ask questions. As in actually *read* their bio and ask about things they list. Women love it when guys seem to care! * Care more about our personality than looks. In other words compliment us on who we are rather than how we look. * KISS. No don't wax lyrical about wanting to pash them into next week. Keep it simple (stupid). What I mean is don't send a "war and peace" size first message. Keep it short, sweet and to the point. * Speak English. I mean be literate. Please! * Show off your personality. In other words don't be boring. * Use a different greeting. Not just one word- "hi"- and expect many responses. * Go for quality over quantity. I know many guys just swipe right on everyone in the hope they'll reply. But don't. Only swipe/match/friend peeps you think you could have a good match with. Good luck. :) Fatgirl. Sources: 1. https://www.menaskem.com/how-to-write-a-great-first-message/ 2. App Store. Other sources you may want to look at: 3. https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/online-dating-advice/online-dating-first-message/online-dating-first-message-tips-message-guide/ 4. https://www.virtualdatingassistants.com/online-dating-first-message 5. https://theblog.okcupid.com/exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message-2bf680806c72 6. https://www.google.com.au/amp/www.menshealth.com/sex-women/first-message-online-dating%3famp 7. http://hookupguide.ca/how-to-hookup/examples-dating-messages/
