#rcmine

Picture: Mine A/N:  (Y/N) → (Your/Name)  ::  English is not my first language!    Thoughts/internal speaking →   skdjhbskhbf      Remembered spoken out words →  “slhfbelh”    Remembered thoughts → -skskfb-

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                                        -Y/N-

 “I know I made mistakes-”  Shut up.   “I love you so much.”   Liar!  “I know, I know and it's okay-”   It's not!   “You did better than anyone.”   Don't!   “I forgive you.”   TAKE IT BACK!

 It's been 4 months -since your arrival in the Outer Banks, that you slept normal again. It had all just stopped out of nowhere. The nightmares, that had tortured you in your sleep. The cold sweat, that had covered your entire body when you woke up. The suffocating panic, that let your heart race so fast, you thought it would explode. The paralysis and dizziness, which made your whole existence feel like a bad fever dream.

 You had always needed some time, after waking up,  until you could move- crawl, out of your bed and become a 'normal human again'; And start the day. But with your arrival in the Outer Banks, it had all stopped. *SNAP* And gone it was.

 You had questioned many times, if you had done the right thing; Coming here. If you were doing, the right thing; Staying here. But every morning -like this one, when you woke up like a normal person, you knew: It's the right thing to do.

 It had it's costs. Quite a few actually. Life could have beeen much more 'easier', if you would have just stayed at 'home'. (If you wanna call a life like that 'easy').  But on the other hand, you had thought of inevitable now. 

 Inevitable. … That is life, isn't it? Moments. Situations. Endings, Beginnings. … People...  The moment you had seen Rafe Cameron for the first time, you had known that there was something off; But also familiar. And the more times you had seen him and talked to him, the more he became inevitable.

 And now? Well, now he was sleeping on that shitty little couch, that stood at the other end of your shitty little trailer. Dead asleep. … He was asleep, right?

 Is he still breathing? You wondered, as you had stepped out of your mini-mini bedroom; Making your way to him; Carefully putting that little bucket aside, that you had given him, in case he'd have to throw up again. It was empty. Gladly. And the bottle of water you had given him, was empty as well. Good.

 Rafe was lying curled up, on the side; The blanket you had given him, served more as a big pillow, which he hugged with his whole body. He looked like a little boy who was holding tightly on his favorite stuffed animal.

 Gotta admit- Looks kinda cute. You thought, surprised. It was so untypical for the annoying frat boy he usually appeared to be.

 You held your index finger at his nose, to check if he was asleep/ alive. And yes! Warm air hit your finger, and you knew he was alive. Just totally knocked out.

 You looked down at him, surprised that neither your alarm, nor the sunlight had woken him yet. The blinds were closed, but the sunlight made it's way through them anyway. It brightened the whole inside of your shitty little trailer. Your 'home'...

 Even after all those months it felt weird, to call it that. You missed your home. Your 'real' home. You missed it even though you were glad you had left it. (Involuntary).  

 -You don't know where to go. Just like me. … You can't go home. … Shit... I'm so sorry Rafe. I know how that feels.-

 The moment you had realized that similarity with him, you couldn't just leave it like that. That's why you had made him that offer:  “You know I-” Ugh, I can't believe I'm gonna say this; No matter how sorry I am for this frat boy... “If you don't know where to go- You can stay at my place, tonight. To sleep it off. If you want to.”

 Rafe had been- … You still didn't understand why he had taken your offer. He didn't knew you that much. You were just another 'peasant'/ Pogue, working at the Island Club. So his reaction had surprised you. He had just nodded, without even looking at you.

 “Is that a 'Yes'?” you had asked. And he had nodded again. So shy. Even embarrassed. This wasn't the Rafe Cameron you and everybody else knew. From what you had seen of him, you had expected him to just get out of your car and mumble something angry or whatever. But no. And even as you two arrived at your place, he stayed like that. Shy.

 “I just have one bed here, obviously.” And I don't want you to throw up in the only bed I have while you're asleep “So- Are you okay with the couch?”

 And just like in the car, he had just nodded again; his face down.

 “Okay. I'll be at the other end of the trailer, in my bedroom; So, if you need anything. That's where you'll find me.” you had said, after you had given him everything for the night.

 A little “Thank you.” was all he had said. Shy and embarrassed. But thankful. And to your own surprise, you had smiled as a response.

 “Don't mention it.” you had said. Soft and with a smile; And left to your bedroom.  “Good night Rafe.”  “G-ood night.”

“hAvE YoU LoSt yOuR mInD?!?!” is what JJ would probably say, to all of this; That you had let Rafe 'motherfucking' Cameron stay at your place. You could already hear his voice and see his face while yelling at you in terror and anger.

 Yeah, I should not tell him about this.... you thought. Let's beware this boy from a panic attack and some stupid impulsive shit he might do after hearing this. It would be weird, if he would know.  

 Weird, indeed. But what was even more weird- Exceptionally odd actually-! Was that nothing of this felt weird or odd or whatever, at all. Rafe Cameron, sleeping all curled up on your shitty little couch, in your shitty little trailer, didn't look out of place. Although he should look out of place. The frat Kook King in his stupidly ugly Polo from Ralph Lauren and his J.Crew shorts...

 Rafe's clothes had always seemed a little weird on him. At least, to you. You thought he looked like a little boy, dressed by mommy. And when he put on that hat -backwards, he looked like a quarterback-bully out of the book. Which kinda fit.

 His best friend Topper dressed like a little boy dressed by mommy, as well. But it actually suited him! Rafe though- … It looked like a costume. Like a character he was playing. … Not that you were familiar with something like that... Playing a character.......

 Damn how long am I standing here? You suddenly realized, with embarrassed heat, shooting into your face. I need to stop drifting away; I end up acting like a creep.

 So you did, what you actually did every morning. You walked to the tiny kitchen area and opened the fridge, to make some breakfast. But-

 “Ah, right. There was something I had forgotten.” you mumbled, seeing the very empty fridge in front of you. The suddenly appeared hunger, being unbearable; You could literally hear your stomach screaming: Feed me! Feed me!

 “Guess there is no other choice then...” you sighed and made your back to your bedroom. You put on some clothes, grabbed your keys, phone and wallet- About to leave your shitty little trailer, as your look stopped at Rafe Cameron; Still asleep.

 Shall I write a note for him?   Why?   I don't know. Just so he will know that I didn't leave him at my place?   Again: Why? He's no one-night-stand or friend or date or whatever.   …   A note won't be necessary.   …   ??   I'm gonna write one. Just so he'll know.   As if he cares...   Well I care. … For some stupid reason...

 So you wrote a stupid little note. Not much. Just:  Fridge is empty. I'll be back soon.   And then, on your whole drive to the supermarket- And the whole time you spent there, you thought: Why the fuck did I write this note? I hope he won't read or find it. I hope he will be gone when I'm back again. … Why do I want him to be gone? Do I want him to be gone??

 Now it Did feel very odd having the damned Kook King at your place. Unsupervised! Not that you worried he'd destroy something or snoop around; Not that there was anything to find. …  But- … … … Ugh fuck you didn't know what your problem was. If you even had one. Or should have one.

 Maybe I'm just hungry. You guessed and tried to shut up your mind with that. Tried to think of the pancakes you would prepare yourself at home. You hadn't had those in a while! And you still had time before work.

 Back at home, Rafe was still there. Still asleep and in the same position. And alive! You checked that once more. You were too suspicious that neither the door, the car or you putting away the groceries, had woken him. Not even making the pancakes.

 A few times, you looked over to the couch, but he didn't move. Not one bit.

 Damn, this guy got some deep sleep. you thought and- “AGH!” somehow managed to burn your wrist on the pan. 

 Which (of course) resulted in: Rafe Cameron, waking up. But you didn't notice that. You were too busy with putting your arm in the little freezer and pressing your wrist against the thick frozen inner surface, while mumble-cursing: “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck-”

 “Did you burn yourself?” you suddenly heard Rafe right behind you.  “FUCK!” you winced and hit your hand against the inside of the freezer. “Agh- shit. Jeez, Rafe...”

 “I'm sorry.” he chuckled and moved past you- Put the pan aside and turned off the stove. You looked at him and it seemed like he was doing his best to not laugh, but just couldn't. And to be honest- you couldn't hold a little chuckle back on your own. It hurt(s), but it was pretty hilarious.  

 “I didn't wanna scare you.”  “I didn't wanna wake you. Guess we both suck.”  “Yeah.” he chuckled again- But his attention was on the freezer; “You shouldn't cool it too much, you know.”  “This is exactly what I'm trying to do.” Idiot.   “If you got a burn, you gotta aid it.”  “No. You have to cool it like a maniac. Until you can't feel it anymore.”

 Now! This was the first time that Rafe Cameron looked at you like 'Oh my god...', just like you had looked at his intoxicated, drunkass ass, last night. How the turntables tables turn!

 “Don't you have some band aid?” he sighed, annoyed about you. Slightly worried about your sanity.

 “Somewhere in the car.” you waved and pressed your wrist on a new and 'fresh' cold spot in the freezer. The one spot you had held it against it, had gotten too 'warm'.

 “Your car?”  “Yeah. For emergencies.”  “And you don't got any emergencies in here?” he sighed annoyed. “Where in your car? I'm gonna get it.”

 “You don't have to get it. I'm fine.”  “You clearly lost your mind. You're not fine.”  “Bold of You to say that, Mr. Cameron', who wanted to drive when he was drunk as fucking fuck.”

 That made him shut up for a moment. He looked perplex. Surprised about your response. But he couldn't say you were wrong.

 “Well- I-” he started to stutter and combed his hair back.“ I- I didn't drive yesterday, because I listened to you; So- you should listen to me now. So we're equal.”

 You took a good amount of seconds to just look at him and this stupidass logic.

 “That is some very stupid logic.” you eventually said monotone and dry as fuck. But- “But okay...” did you give in and pulled your arm out of the freezer; Nodded to your bundle of keys, which where still stuck in the front door. “It's in that thingy by the drivers seat.”

 He didn't say anything to that. Just smiled. Very little, but appreciating, before he went outside.

 I didn't expect the frat boy to be nice. You thought and closed the freezer; Turned the stove on and placed the pan on it again; There were still some pancakes to make. And just as you were about to turn the almost done pancake in the pan, you remembered: THE NOTE!

 You almost burned yourself again, as you searched in panic for that little piece of paper. Why-ever you were in panic at all! ??? Not that you thought further about it. You just wanted to get rid of this little paper. Gladly, you found it just where you had left it. You had thrown it in the trash, even before Rafe came inside again.

 “Trying to burn yourself again?”  “Of course. That one burn is pretty much healed; And I don't want you and your 'care' to feel unappreciated.”  “Hmhm...” he nodded. Not convinced. But getting the sarcasm and taking it.

 Something odd and funny and cute about Rafe in that moment right now: You had waved at him to wait a moment, until you had put the done pancake on a plate and poured in new dough;  While then,  he waited. This very tall guy, with his brought shoulders and mostly intimidating 'bully-vibe'- stood there in your little kitchen and waited for you, just like a lost little poppy. Holding the little bag with the band-aid and stuff, with both hands and close to his chest. As if he would need to protect it.

 Not many people got to see Rafe Cameron like that. You didn't knew him well. But you knew That!  … Incredible. All that because of last night? Because of a little kindness? … It seemed so.

 But- Why had You been kind at all? You didn't need to. Especially not him. … Or was it more like: Especially Him. ? … Because you had felt some sort of connection, that you still couldn't define. … Maybe you had done all that, because you wished someone would have been there for you, like that. Just once.  That someone would have found you, when you had been in a completely fucked up state, just like Rafe last night. That someone would have been kind to you; Put their warm hand on your back, while you had puked your whole guts out...

 You appeared so normal. Maybe a little lost/ stranded in the Outer Banks; But not as fucked up, as you truly were. And you kinda wished, that someone would see how fucking fucked up you and your whole life actually was. And that they would be kind to you, although you had done bad. That they would put a warm hand on your back, and just be by your side.  Maybe that's why you had helped Rafe last night.  Maybe that's why you let him aid that burn for you.

 Fuck... You were so fucking lonely. So deeply lonely. And someone being nice- Wrapping carefully a bandage around your wounded wrist; It felt so genuinely kind. It was so sweet. But at the same time, almost unbearable. You felt your heart slowly filling with peace; While your legs started burning. You wanted to run away. But you also wanted to pause this moment.

 “I gotta admit, I didn't expect you to be actually a nice person.” you admitted, as he wrapped that bandage around your wrist.

 “You were nice to me, so-” he shrugged his shoulders.  “Ah-” you nodded. “So, if I wouldn't have been nice to you- You would never do this.”  “I guess.”  “Good to know. People have to pay you in advance.” you joked. Or did you not?  “What?” he stopped with the wrapping and looked confused at you. 

 “Nothing. Just a stupid joke.”  “You think like that about me?” he let go of your arm. Offended eyes. Maybe also hurt?  “You care what I think about you?” you asked, very much confused. But also- … There was also something else inside you. Was it surprise? A hope?

 Neither of you answered. You just looked at each other, trying to figure out what was the deal of the other. Until you both looked away, trying to figure out what your own deal was. With- Sudeenly,  Rafe just walking outside of your trailer. Leaving. You heard his steps further and further walking away, until you didn't hear them anymore. He didn't come back.

 You would have probably stood there like that -completely baffled and clueless, if the smell of a burned pancake, wouldn't have crawled up your nose.

 “Ah shit-!” you took the pan off the stove (again) and scrubbed the burned pancake out of it. “Well done, Y/N.... ” you sighed, scolding yourself.

 Wait! Why do you scold yourself for that?   The pancake?   That's not about the pancake and you know that.   Ugh....   Well??   Isn't it obvious? It wasn't nice of me to say that.   Then why did you say it?   I don't know. I didn't knew it would hurt him.   You did know.   No I didn't. I didn't wanna hurt him.   Why do you care about not hurting him?   “Ugh, shut up....” you sighed and wrapped the last bit around your wrist.

 You continued with making a few more pancakes. (Enough for two people, but who pays attention to that....) You made it yourself comfortable on the shitty little table and ate. … And although you had made yourself a breakfast like that several times before- Just for yourself!  Somehow, this deliciously sweet breakfast tasted kinda sad. Somehow you felt so fucking lonely again; It took away your appetite.

 You just sat there on the table and looked at the bandage around your wrist. Touched it, to feel a stink from that burned skin of yours. Asking yourself, what your fucking problem was.

*

                                        -Rafe-

 Rafe didn't pay any attention to What he kicked into the woods, at the side of the road; In the corner of his eye it had looked 'kickable'. But it ended up hurting like shit.

 “FUCK!” he screamed, now even more angry and frustrated. The urge to kick or punch something not faded, but grown stronger. And he looked around to find something else 'kickable', but didn't find anything. Which made him also even more angry. So he had no other opportunity, but to stomp on the ground and grunt.

 He wished so much, he would have his bike and wouldn't have to walk all the way back to the Island Club. That's where his bike remained, since You had convinced him yesterday to not drive, because he had been so 'drunk'...

 “You can't drive like this.” he remembered your words from last night.  “I could have made it. I drove drunk before....” Rafe mumbled angry, keeping on walking. Or more like stomping.

 He was so pissed. He wished he could go back to yours and just ask you for a ride- Since all of this had been Your fucking fault! … But he couldn't. Somehow he felt so embarrassed, just thinking of doing so. He would rather take any shit of Pope again, than admitting that he was too embarrassed to face you: And probably interrupt the breakfast you were enjoying right now, with those tasty and warm pancakes.

 Fuck I'd do everything for some pancakes right now... thought Rafe, pressing one hand at his very very hungry grumbling tummy. I'm so fucking hungry. I could eat a whole fucking buffet. … … Maybe the Island Club already has their breakfast buffet? … Ugh, I don't wanna eat there. I wanna eat with Y/N.  He immediately stopped in his step.  Wh-at?

 He looked around himself, as if someone could have heard his thoughts. Neither the fact that he was completely alone on this seemingly endless road, through the middle of nothing but woods.

 Ugh... Why did he have to walk so far? Why did the Cut have to be so far away from the Island Club?

 Next time I'm at Y/N's, I'll- Wait-! What?? “Why the fuck Y/N again?” No! Shut up! “It's not about Y/N.” Nothing is! I just want my stupid fucking bike back! Fuck you Y/N! “Yeah. Yeah that's what it is about... it's all your fucking fault, Y/N.” his face an annoyed grimace, as he said your name  “If you wouldn't have been, I were at home...”

 “I don’t want you to crash, get badly hurt or even die.”

 “Why do you not want to go home, Rafe?”

 “Shall I drop you off at one of your friends?”

 Your words from yesterday haunted him instantly, as he poorly tried to blame it all on you. Reminding him, of his own silence to your questions. The fear and embarrassment, he had felt. The sadness. The anger and loneliness. And your silence, to his silence. Your eyes, that hadn't just rested on him- But had seen right through him.

 Rafe couldn't face you in that moment. He had felt so exposed. But at the same time- It had given him comfort. Your silence. That you seemed to care. … That someone cared.

 “If you don't know where to go- You can stay at my place, tonight. To sleep it off. If you want to.” he remembered the kindness you didn't owe, but had offered him.

 “Good night Rafe.” and he remembered your soft voice. Your comforting smile. And the peace, that had stepped in, in that moment.

 Your couch had been a little too small for Rafe's +6ft of body mass. But even though, he had fallen right asleep, after he had emptied the water-bottle you had given him. He didn't remember the last time he had slept so well. No memory had gotten him in his sleep. No nightmare. No Sarah. And none of his deeds. … The guilt. The fear; Which were always lurking around a corner for him. Waiting to grab and push him down, out of nowhere. Now.

 *SHOT*  “Rafe- What did you do?”   “I saved you, Dad. I saved you.”   “What is wrong with you?!”

Rafe shook his head. Tried to get those fucked up memories of this fucked up moment, out of his fucking head. He literally tried to walk away from them; 'Leaving them' at that one spot he had stood a few seconds ago. But they caught after him.

 “She was gonna blow his head off” -She was aiming right at it. You saw it!-   “No-”  “No, she was arresting him, Rafe!”   “No--”  “No, she was gonna kill him.” -I saw it. She would have done it, Sarah! I saw it! Right? If I wouldn't have stopped her;- “Yeah, yeah...”

 The memories caught him. One by one. Crawling down his spine; Spreading through his entire body and letting him shiver. Fear, 'knocked' on the door that was always wide open to step in.

 “No.” he exhaled; His voice about to break. He felt it. It was close. It was gonna thrown him down!

 He walked faster. Tried to run, but he couldn't. And then- Suddenly, his entire body felt so heavy. And he couldn't move anymore. He was frozen. Stuck. And the memories caught up. Fear, stepped in and terrorized his entire body into panic.

 His pulse rose and rose. His heart beat faster and faster. His body shivered continuously. The world around him disappeared; All he could see was flickering, pulsating fog. All he could hear, was Sarah voice, that grew louder and louder; And he could see her! The look in her eyes. The terror and fear towards her own brother.

 “Do you realize what you've DONE?!”   “I saved Dad. ” -Right? Sarah? That's what I had to do. I don' like it, but- “Wh-What was I supposed to do?”

 “I didn't wanna do it. I didn't wanna do it...” he mumbled. Tried to defend himself against whatever threw him down; Whatever it was, that took over his entire body. Fear and guilt, that made him scared of himself. That made him feel so weak and vulnerable.

 Weak little pussy, Rafe. A little cry baby. Come on! Come and cry little Rafe.   NO! SHUT UP!   Pussy.   Shut up- P-lease...

 He fought it. He tried to. He tried to grab the anger, with which he always used to cover everything, when he felt weak. When he felt vulnerable. When he felt he was about to cry.

 Rafe hated being weak. He hated being a little crybaby. He had cried so often and easily, when he was still a child. It was about the smallest things. Trivial and seemingly stupid things. Even when everything seemed fine, but somehow it was all too much for him. And the older he had gotten, the more he had hated it, that the slightest inconvenience made him so 'weak'.

 So at one point, he forced himself to not do it anymore. To stop it, no matter what he had to do. To cover it. Grabbing the anger he felt towards being a little crybaby. He rather was an asshole, than a big guy, crying like a little pussy. People picked him on that already when he was younger. Therefore at one point, he had told himself: 'Fuck you! Not Me!'

 This is how Rafe became the prick everyone in the OBX knew. That fucking Kook King. The frat boy who took every opportunity to be an asshole, so no one would see how fucking insecure he actually was.

 And it worked. It had worked, in the past. Back then, when he knew he had to fix shit about John B; Because Ward had told the Police that John B had shot Peterkin. Therefore Rafe had to fix it. Not matter what Ward had said.

 “I didn't need your help then, I don't need it now!”

 Ward had protected his son. Rafe had to pay him back. He had to! He didn't even pay him back that money for the generators, with which he had bought the bike. So Rafe needed to do something too! He didn't know what. This is why he drove to Barry to get some stuff. He needed to think straight again and he couldn't without some stuff.

 Sadly, Barry didn't have anything left. But he told Rafe what do he needed to do: Find John B and hand him to the police. Then, Everything would be fixed.

 Rafe had felt so fucking scared, because he didn't know what to do. But when Barry showed him the way- Something happened with him. The fear inside him didn't leave but- It changed into something else. He didn't knew what it was then, and still didn't knew it now.  

 But it had made him feel so light. So full. So awake. It was different than any line he had taken. It was a feeling, that was so crystal clear and strong. But at the same time, it felt like he had left his own body.

 Whatever it had been, that 'took over', it made Rafe escalate. He had set a whole building on fire. And it had felt so fucking good. He had never felt so free and strong in his entire life. No fight or drug came even close to this feeling. And he had enjoyed every second of it. … But with that fight with the Pogues, something changed. The feeling of freedom, faded. It started with Kie.

 “I know what you did!”  “What? What did I do?”  “You murdered Peterkin!”

 Kie didn't just say it. She yelled it at him. And Rafe saw the fear in her eyes. The hate. Just like with Sarah.

 “What is wrong with you!?”   “You murdered Peterkin!”

 It was the same. And something broke inside him, in that moment. He didn't knew what it was. (Or more like: He didn't want to admit it to himself). But it made him sad. It made Rafe regret everything. Just for a very small moment. Then, -just like he always did, he took the anger and buried everything under it.

 You hate me? Yeah? Okay. I'll hate you too. I'll give you a fucking reason to hate me. He had thought and- And he grabbed Kie by her neck. “Don't you ever, say those fucking words again. You understand?”

 Rafe didn't like to do it, but he was so hurt and so angry and just- JUST FUCK EVERYTING! FUCK IT ALL!

 But then Pope came out of nowhere. And as Rafe had realized, that it was the guy he had picked on so many times- He genuinely got afraid of him. And again- That fear was buried with a big 'Fuck you! Not Me!'.

 Whatever it was- Somehow Pope got the upper hand. He literally beat the shit out of Rafe. And with every hit, Rafe became smaller and smaller. Not able to grab his anger anymore; Not able to move anymore. Just hoping, that Pope would stop.

 But he didn't. Rafe's legs gave in. And the next second, he felt something around his neck- Refusing any air; Violently suffocating him. And Rafe begged: Stop! Please stop! Stop! I don't wanna die!

 But he couldn't speak. That thing around his neck refused him to. The fear, shut him silent. He was too terrified.

 Stop stop stop please stop!

 And eventually- Somehow- It stopped. Rafe saw Pope above himself;

 “Stay off the Cut.” he had said to Rafe. Not one bit afraid, but full of spite.

Rafe had heard it and he had seen Pope; But also not. Rafe saw himself, panting on the ground. He still felt the pressure around his neck, as he could finally breath again. It was so confusing, so he tried to touch his neck and check; But his body was too tired. He could barely move his arm. All he could do, was lying there. Keeping himself alive with every hurting breath. Tasting the blood that filled his mouth. Warm, rusty metal. And Rafe questioned himself:  Am I dead? Did I die?

 All this seemed so far away, but also just like yesterday. No matter how free and strong Rafe had felt; With what it had caused and how he had ended up; It terrified him. He never wanted to get at this point, ever again. He never wanted fear -and what came with it, to take him over ever again.

 But with everything he had done; Everything he had to carry around and pretend it didn't exist- It was fucking exhausting. And no matter how hard the tried, to shut it all up; No matter how drunk or intoxicated he got himself; … It all still haunted him. It caught him. Now. It pulled him down on his knees. Into the grass. Grabbed his neck, because he felt like he was gonna suffocate from phantom-pain. Hyperventilating. Shivering. Shaking. Groaning for oxygen. Crying. And everything exploded in his head.

 *SHOT*  “Rafe- What did you do?”   *SHOT*   “What is wrong with you?!”   *SHOT*   “ALRIGHT I'M TAKING CARE OF MY OWN SHIT! OKAY!”   *SHOT*   “Y-You were in trouble and- I was protecting you.” -Don't look away. Look at me! Please see me! I did it for you! I can protect you too! I do everything for you, just please look at me!-   *SHOT*   “Me! Dad... Rafe.”   *SHOT*   “You think like that about me?”   “You care what I think about you?”   *SHOT*   “What is wrong with you?!”   “You murdered Peterkin!”   -'ll give you a fucking reason to hate me.-   *SHOT*   “Shall I drop you off at one of your friends?”   Friends? What fucking friends!   *SHOT*  “Are you alright? Are you hurt?”   -Stop! Please stop! Stop! I don't wanna die!-   *SHOT*   “If you don't know where to go- You can stay at my place, tonight. If you want to.”   Why did you care? Why did I stay?   *SHOT*   “You can’t drive home like that. You’re too drunk.”   “I’m not driving home.”   *SHOT*  “Where would you go?”   *SHOT*   “Why do you care?”   *SHOT*  “I don’t want you to crash.“   *SHOT*  “Why do you not want to go home, Rafe?”   *SHOT*   “What is wrong with you?!”   *SHOT*   -Stop! Please stop!-   *SHOT*   -I don't wanna die!-   “What is wrong with you!!”   *SHOT*   Stop! Please stop!   *SHOT*     “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”   *SHOT*   “ALRIGHT I'M TAKING CARE OF MY OWN SHIT! OKAY?!”   *...*   -You don't believe that yourself, Rafe. Bullshitting yourself already.-   “What else was I supposed to do?”   *...*    “Please- Please stop.....”  “Rafe- What did you do?”   “You Psycho.”   “You care what I think about you?”

 A deep and hollow cry. Little whining. Little crying. His fingers, desperately held on to the green grass, he was cowering in. Feeling the blades of grass, touching his face; They catching the tears, that were rolling out of his eyes.

 It was too much. Everything and all.

 He was so tired. So damn tired. And alone. So fucking alone.

 One scream. One scream, that sounded from the depth of his soul; Filled with it all: Hurt. Sadness. Loneliness. Fear. Terror. And more hurt. And more loneliness.

Rafe kept lying there for quite a while. Stared into nothingness. Waited, until he could get himself to stand up again, and walk.

 He didn't notice time passing, the rest of the way. He just walked. Just walked. Until he made it to the parking lot. And just as he got there, he heard a car pulling up right next to him.

 “Rafe?” he heard a careful voice. He immediately recognized it. It was yours.

 It was more a reflex, that he looked over to you. And as he did, he knew he shouldn't have done that. Because now, you saw his face, and your eyes grew wide, wide open. He saw, that You saw, that something had happened.

Ugh fuck...

*

                                       Rafe  &  Y/N

 Rafe kept walking. He didn't wanna see your worried face. You, stopped your car. More a reflex than what you wanted to do. You were just- … Fuck... That look on his face.  What the fuck did I miss? Did I miss something? Is it because of what I said? Oh shit! Shit why did I have to be such an asshole!?

 You wanted to catch up to him. But you also didn't wanna be an asshole again, by ignoring any boundaries of him. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk. And that very much made it hard for you, because he looked very fucked up. Not as fucked up, as last night. Or his 'usual' angry fucked up. Another kind. And that kind of fucked up, was very familiar to you. Which is why it worried you so much.

 So you parked your car at your usual spot. Then, as you got out, you searched for him again. You found him, standing now right in the middle of the parking lot. He looked kinda lost. Combed back his hair, before he confusingly scratched the back of his head.   Did you forget where we parked your bike?

 You considered if you should walk past him- But you had to walk this way anyway and you still had to give him the keys he forgot, sooooooo- … You walked the way. To him.

 Rafe heard steps coming closer, and he knew it was you, without even looking. He thought about ignoring you, but he didn't want to be a dick. Even with what you had said- You said it had been a joke; So you didn't mean it. And he just wanted to talk to you.

 “Rafe?” you asked, carefully. Again.  “Hey.” he turned around. Now he seemed a little bit more fine. 'Fine' in, talking to you.  “Hi. Long time no see.” 

 Really? Again? “You always gonna greet me like that, now?” he looked at you with a lifted brow. And a little smile.   You remember? “Maybe.” you shrugged your shoulders. Smiling as well. Glad he came along.

 “Hey uh-” he started and stopped; Scratched the back of his head again.“D-Do you remember where we put my Bike last night?”

 Oh you little idiot. You thought and felt your heart soften. “Sure.” you pointed over to the entrance of the Island Club. “Over there- Right at the entry. Beside the flowers.” In which you had thrown up.

 “Wh- Oh. There.” Shit, I can't even see anymore...   “Y-You okay?” you asked carefully. And hearing your voice like that;

 Don't ask. Not like that. I'm not. I'm tired and gonna fucking cry, if I see that someone cares. “A little hungover.”

 He rubbed his eyes tiredly. You believed him, but you could see, that this was not the entire truth. You wanted to ask him- But you didn't. Instead, you grabbed into your bag, and got out two things. One of them, his keys.

 “Hey uh- You forgot those, by the way.” you handed him the little bundle of keys. “I found them on my couch. They must haven fallen out of your pocket” while you were asleep.

 “Oh...” Shit...   “I had hoped I would catch you on the way here... Would have sucked for you. Couldn't have called you for them.” And I didn't know if I would have found you at your Tannyhill; Since you didn't wanna go there.

 “Yeah, I don't have your number either...Thank you for bringing them me.”  “Of course.”

 Shall I give you my number? For next time? Thought Rafe.   Shall I give him my number? Just in case? Did you think.

 “Also, I uh- Here-” you handed him the second thing out of your bag. A little pack of pancakes, in plastic wrap. “I thought, you might be hungover and hungry and-” Ugh I hate this... “I- I'm sorry for what I said. That was mean and unnecessary. I'm sorry. ”

 Rafe's eyes grew big and hungry, as he saw what you handed him. This was exactly what he needed right now!

 “Th-They are for me?” but he still hesitated. Not because he didn't believe you, but- … He didn't know it himself. Just general anxiety, maybe?

 “Yeah.” you nodded and he took them. It made you happier, than you would ever admit. “I put syrup between them. Not that I know if you would like it, but- I mean everyone eats pancakes with syrup.” Ooooooh I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate thiiiiis!!!

 Rafe didn't know what to say. Well- He had a lot to say. All what he thought right now and wished he could say was: Can you drive me to yours? Can I sleep on your little couch again?

 “So-?” Ugh fuck why do I keep asking shit?! “Is syrup okay?” Please let it be okay! Why the fuck do I care about some stupid syrup!? Are you okay Rafe? Shit what happened on the way here? Is it because I've been a fucking asshole? WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE?!

 “Yeah.” he nodded. Smiled at you. “I do too.”   Wh-What? “What?”  “I like them with syrup.” Thank you, Y/N. I'm sorry I tried to blame everything on you in my head.   “Yes?” You do? Are ypu still mad at me? Jesus, why the fuck am I suddenly so fucking insecure?!

 “Not as much as my little sister, but-” he left the sentence unfinished, with a little laugh. He just couldn't get Wheezie out of his mind, with that hot chocolate and the shit-ton of whipped-cream.

 The idiot is smiling? Are we okay? Not that we are friends, but still. “Your sister got a sweet-tooth?” you asked and couldn't hide your very relieved smile. You were still worried about what he didn't wanna tell you. But he Did talk! And that was something.

 “A whole set of them.” mocked Rafe. Rolled his eyes with a soft smile. “Wheezie is a total sugar-addict.” She will get diabetes at one point. I just know it.

 “How old is your sister?” you asked. Curious about the remaining Cameron-Daughter.  “13.”  “Well- I think, if you're not a sugar-addict at this age; You miss something.”  “Yeah, that's probably right.” You could have dipped me in a whole pot of syrup then.

 You hadn't seen Wheezie Cameron often, at the Island Club. The only times you had seen her, was with her family. She seemed nice and well-behaved. But not too well-behaved. And now, that you heard Rafe talk about her; Lamenting and rolling his eyes about her, like a sibling is supposed to do; You wanted to know her, herself. You wanted to know what she thought of her brother. It was obvious that Rafe cared about Wheezie. You could see it in his smile. It was warm. Genuine.

 “I uh- I should;” pointed Rafe vaguely towards the entrance / flower bed (in which he had thrown up) / where his bike parked. “Get my bike.”

 “Oh yeah.” you remembered why you were actually here. “I should to. Work.”

 You both walked towards the entrance, in silence. It was a little awkward. But also not, in a way. Maybe it was just unfamiliarity? You didn't know each other, really. But now, somehow you had gotten very close. In a way. … Kinda.

 “You're probably not staying here today, right?” you asked, as you both arrived at the little stairs, that lead to the entrance of the Island Club.

 “No. No I ugh-” I don't know where the fuck I'm gonna go.

 “Okay...” Shall I ask where you're gonna go? Do you want me to ask? Do you have somewhere to go? Shall I over him to stay at my place if he wants to? Is that too much? It is too much. But I honestly wouldn't have a problem with that. He looks like he needs some place to chill. And a wash. … Oh this is mean! I should not say this out loud!

 “Thank you, for-” not letting me drive. For letting me sleep at yours.   “It's okay. … But-” you hesitated if you should ask; But just had to. “M-May I ask you something, Rafe?”

 Don't ask me if I cried. Please don't fucking ask me if I cried. “Yeah.”

 “I- … Okay it's not really a question; Just- If there is something; Uh... No matter how little we know each other; If you wanna come by again or so-” If you need someone to talk or just a place to stay. “The door is open for you.” I'll listen. You can talk to me.

 Rafe felt like he was about to cry. He felt that lump in his throat. But he wasn't mad that he was about to cry. He was embarrassed. But not because you were there. Because he was at the Island Club.

 “C-Can I have your number? For that? So I just don't- Uuh-” he awkwardly combed back his hair and scratched the back of his head. “Come by? ” Why the fuck am I asking? Please say 'Yes'.

 “Of course!” you said with a bright smile. That smile surprised you, just as much as him. But in a good way. “Give me your phone, and I'll give you mine.”

 You both grabbed into your pockets, to get your phones out.

 “Ah shit.” sighed Rafe, just as you were about to create a new account in your contacts.  “What?”  “Mine is dead.”  “Oh.” When was the last time you were at home? “Then- just, give me your number.” you handed him your phone with the new contact open. “I'll give you a call and then you can save mie, when you loaded it.”

 “Okay. When I loaded it.” Wherever I am gonna do that. Can I load it at yours? I don't fucking know where else I wanna go or can go.

 Rafe kept his thoughts for himself, although he really wanted to ask. He typed in his number and handed you your phone back. You gave the number a short call, and then hung up again.

 “Done.” you said and looked up to the shy Kook King. “Then- I'm gonna go to work and- You drive careful. Okay?”

 “Yeah.” he nodded. You didn't believe him. Rafe wasn't sure if it was an honest answer or not. He actually didn't wanna drive at all. But he didn't want to stay at the Island Club either.

 “Then- I guess we'll see each other.”  “Yeah.” you smiled. And he smiled. An awkward little smile; Which was more pressing his lips on another, in a straight line.

 Both of you made your way. Kinda. A little slow, actually. Rafe went to his Bike; Looked back to you several times. He wanted to see if you would wait. If he could maybe change is mind, about staying at the Island Club; Or just ask you, to sleep a couple more hours on your couch.

 You, made a few little steps backwards. You wanted to see if he was driving careful. From here, at least. Or maybe you just wanted to see, if he maybe changed his mind, about staying at the Island Club or whatever. If he needed a place to stay. … … You were still so worried. Talking to him had eased it a little, but not all of it. You didn't have the chance to ask him, if he had looked so 'A little hungover' because of what you had said to him.

 But Rafe didn't change his mind. He wanted to stay, but he didn't know what to do then. And he felt too embarrassed to ask you.  You saw him driving off and disappearing around a corner. It kinda hurt a little. The questions you still had, did.

 “And gone.” you mumbled to yourself and  turned around, to walk up the stairs to the Island Club. And as you did so, you noticed that you hadn't been alone. Someone was standing there. JJ. And he looked like, he had stood there for quite some time.

Shit.

***************

Thank you for reading. I hope you had a good time, despite Rafe having a breakdown.

I honestly had other plans for this chapter- But Rafe MF Cameron is unpredictable in every form. I don't know anymore how many different documents I got, that where supposed to be Chapter 2. Rafe is definitely a challenge. He talks so little. On the show, and as a character you're trying to write for. (Still got the feeling that I let him talk way too much...)

But yeah! I feel like this fic is more for me to fill all the gabs of Rafe on the show. Especially when it comes to his inner world. We spent so little time with him, compared to the others. (Maybe Season 3 will be different?). But I gotta say-! From WHAT we get to see of him, is written, directed and acted so well and you can read Rafe very well from that.

Also! I'm sorry it's taking so long; But I really wanna take my time with Rafe and write worthy to his character.