#totallynotmystuff

 “It would just waste more time, wouldn't it.” does she say and takes a seat behind her desk. Offering the fire ghoul to sit down as well. But he doesn't. He smells that something is off. And Sister can read it from his face.

 “Very well then.” she sighs, and folds her hands together. Her eyes on the fire ghoul. “I asked you to come here, because I wanted to tell you personally. Copia will tell everyone next morning.”

 All natural heat inside Dewdrops body is suddenly gone. He is frozen on the spot. His feet and clawed hands, all cold. A heavy and shivering stone suddenly in his guts.

 He knows. He knows what she is about to say. He's been with them long enough to know. And yet- He prays to Satan that he is wrong.

 “The next tour of rituals has been set. You will leave the ministry grounds for several weeks.”

 He was right. Of course he was right. He knows how everything goes. Still- He asks. He needs to. Just- Maybe-

 “Wh-When will we leave?”

 His posture, typically stoic. But not able to fool the Sister. She sees his tense jaw; His wide, wet glancing eyes. His tail, motionless.

 “Next month. The night after Spring Dance.” she answers. Soft and almost apologizing. No. She is actually apologizing. No matter how different it is between her and the fire ghoul- She knows him for a long time by now. Not close, but enough to have witnessed a lot. Especially the recent happenings. And his feelings.

 “Will-”

 “No.” interrupts Sister Imperator, even before the fire ghoul can say the whole sentence. “It would be too much for Angel. I'm sure you know that as well. I'm sorry.”

  That night, Dewdrop didn't go back to the ghoul wing. Actually, he had wanted to hide in the catacombs again. But somehow, his feet brought him to the very corridor behind the library, and stopped in front of that one door, behind he could hear tired footsteps.

 Gently, he knocked at the wooden door and asked quietly if you were awake. He just couldn't go to his room. He couldn't be alone. He couldn't and didn't want to go to any of the other ghouls, because they would know something was off and- … No. No, he just wanted quiet and to fall asleep at your side.

 But the moment you opened the door and he saw your face- That smile, that is always there when you spot him; In that moment, he didn't know if he should maybe just run away. So he wouldn't have to be remember the fact, that he wouldn't see your face quite some time.  

 He didn't tell you anything. He couldn't and didn't want to. He knew it would make you upset. So, the only thing he said was: “Can I sleep here tonight?”

 And because Dewdrop isn't much of an actor as he would like to be, you spotted the distress in his face.

 “Rehearsal wasn't good today?” you asked. You had no idea.

 He shook his head. Not able to answer.

 You let him inside. You closed and locked the door- Shut the curtains and blew out the candles. In the meantime Dewdrop changed into one of his hoodies and a pair of joggers. How they got there? Oh well, Dewdrop was sure you had brought them there. While You thought, he had brought them there. But it hasn't been either of you two. Who did it? Oh, that is for later to put together. Besides- both of you like it just too much, to fall asleep, side by side.

 It was hard to fall asleep for the fire ghoul. Not because he wasn't tired. But because he didn't want to sleep. Even with one whole month ahead- He wanted to look at your face, as long as he could. But the tiredness took over and send him to slumber. In his sleep, he reached out to you and wrapping his arms around you. Your scent so close. Your breathing when you're sleeping- Inhaling and exhaling, right at his skin. Steady. A far sound, beside the voices in his dreams:

 “I don't want to leave again.”

 “Then don't. Stay here with me.”

 “It's not that easy.”

 “Why not? We will just get your stuff and-”

 “I can't. … I- I can't. … But I will come back.”

 “But when? How long is it supposed to be like this?”

 *1

 Time is such a funny thing. So mean, as if it has a conscious with cruel intentions. Passing by so fast, when you want to be slow. One day, following after the other. A week. And another one. The snow and cold of winter fade and disappear. The sun so bright and warm again; Waking up all earth and it's living beings. Trees awake slowly- With blossoms in bright colors. Spring has arrived. And the annual festive dance, is just about to be celebrated.

 “You still haven't told Angel?!”

 The kitchen in the ghoul wing is silent. Never in all the time the ghouls know another, have they heard Cumulus that furious! Neither had they ever expected her to become so angry. But-

 “Dew, Spring Dance is tomorrow.” notes the other air ghoulette, as if him and all the others would need a reminder.

 I know... answers the fire ghoul in his mind. Too frozen. Too ashamed to speak.

 “How come you have not told them by now?” tries Aether, as empathetic a he can. Not that he is angry. But he is worried. Very worried. It even gets through his element. Sends a cold shiver over his gray skin.

 “We had promised to not tell Angel, if you would be the one telling them.” 'reminds' Mountain. Not actually meant to be a reminder. But a kick in the fire ghouls ass.

 “Lus, Sweetheart- We are all not happy about this, but could you please turn up the temperature again?” asks Swiss and- …

 They all had noticed the chilling air in the room by now. Along with their steaming breaths. Cumulus is mad! Very! Very! Mad! And it only takes one look of her, to make the multi ghoul regret getting out of bed today.

 The silence is cold. Just like the temperature. No one dares to speak, until- With the most acid hiss they have ever heard, the air ghoulette stomps on the floor, and then storms out of the kitchen. The freezing cold, leaving with her.

 “Where is she going?” asks Aether. Though very, very quiet, as if Cumulus would still be in the room.

 “Is she gonna tell Angel on her own?” mumbles Sunshine. Her eyes switching between Dewdrop and the open door, that Cumulus left through.

 “Nah. She's not gonna make it that easy for him.” Cirrus flicks her tongue. She is pissed. Walking up to the fire ghoul- Staring at him, while he keeps his look down. You could think he is afraid of her.

 “Fix this. Today.” does she snarl at Dewdrop, who doesn't dare to look up. “Got it?”  

 He nods. Barely to see. But he does.

 Cirrus doesn't say another word. Just flicks her tongue again, and then leaves the kitchen as well. 

 Another long moment of silence. All eyes on the fire ghoul, who avoids to look up at all costs; Wanting to leave. But he is just too frozen. He can't move. The remaining ghouls are hoping he will do. but- Nothing happens. The fire ghoul remains frozen on the spot. And the others, start to 'discuss'.

 Discuss, in the way of: Exchanging looks, rising and furrowing eyebrows. Or leaving. Like Aether. He knows the 'discussed' plan, but does not want to participate. Swiss and Sunshine- They don't want to either. But they wanna see.

 “Alright, Droplet.” is all the fire ghoul gets to hear, until he suddenly looses the floor under his feet; Getting thrown over Mountains shoulder, who walks out of the kitchen. Rain, walking right behind them.

 “WHAT THE FUCK!?LET ME THE FUCK DOWN! ” hisses and screams Dewdrop. His legs, kicking in the air; His fists hammering onto the back of the earth ghoul, as if that would bring him to set him down again.

 “The longer you wait, the more worse it will get.” explains Mountain in a monotone voice. Very much unbothered by the temper tantrum of the fire ghoul

 “No! NO!” yells the fire ghouls and tries hammers even harder against Mountain. “PUT ME DOWN! YOU CAN'T FORCE ME!”

 “You promised it, Dew.” Rains voice- So serious. And the look in his blue eyes- Staring at Dew.

 From one moment of the other, the raging fire ghoul has fallen silent in surrender. Shame is a powerful thing.

 “I didn't mean to wait this long...” does he eventually whisper. Admitting, Accepting his fate.

 “Then why did it happen?” asks Mountain. Not stepping slower.

 “I don't know, okay?!” gnarls Dewdrop. “I'm not good at this. I didn't meant to. Now will put me down? I can walk on my own.”

 “Let him down.”

 Not a plea. Not a command of Rain- But Mountain stops in his step and sets Dewdrop down again. The fire ghoul is relieved. But not for long, as he realizes that the two other ghouls haven't left.

 “Are you fucking kidding me?” snorts Dew at them both, before eyeing Rain.

 “Don't look at me. You are the one who broke the promise.” answers the water ghoul, his arms crossed at his chest.

 “I didn't break it!”

 “You didn't keep it either.” notes Mountain, and that answer pushes a little snarl out of Dews mouth. Lately, Mountain and Rain have become a little closer, and Dew does not like it.

 “I hate you guys.” does he huff at them, before turning around on his heels and heading forward.

 Rain and Mountain, follow push behind him. Not leaving. Not as they have made it to the library. Not as they reached your corridor. Or even, as Dewdrop had made it to your door, standing right in front of it.

 Now they are a few more steps behind him; Mimicking for him to knock at the door. You could think they have fun doing that. And they do. Because now, Dew can't hiss or growl at them, with you, right behind the door.

 The only thing he is left with, is throwing a furious look at them. Pointing at them, to go further away and leave completely. They walk a few more steps backwards. But they don't leave.

 Assholes...

 And so- With no other choice, the fire ghoul knocks at the wooden door.

 “Yes?”

 “I-It's me.”

 “Come in!”

 Your joyous voice... If Rain and Mountain wouldn't be watching him, he wouldn't have managed to step into your room. But because they are, he opens the door just enough to squeeze inside, and close it behind him in no time. And as he sees you- He freezes again.

 “What do you think?” you ask him with a wide smile. Your eyes bright; Twirling around in front of him, in a new set of clothes he had never seen before. “Sister Imperator told me I should try it on today, in case it wouldn't fit for tomorrow and they'd have to change something.” 

 Spring Dance. The festive of the satanic church, to celebrate the end of the winter months. A welcome to spring and summer and the crops they will gift. … That is the official title for Spring Dance. Christian tongues blaspheme that they are actually celebrating the death of Jesus. But the satanic church declined this since the beginning of those rumors; After all, the bastard seed of God didn't stay dead; but had crawled out of that cave again.

 Also: Just because Satan is not on the same page with God, doesn't mean that there is any delight of a human death. And who is to declare, who is the bad and who is the good?

 “Dew-?”

 “What?” the fire ghoul unfreezes from his awe about that sight of yours.

 “What do you think about this outfit?” you ask him again. “It's a little different from the usual siblings' clothes, but I think it's very pretty. I never had such clothes...”

 You look beautiful. So beautiful... Oh shit. “I-It looks good.”

 “Thank you.”  you smile so bright and full of excitement. “Give me a second to change again, okay? I want keep it special for tomorrow.”

 Tomorrow... Fuuuuck...“Yeah. Sure.” he nods and watches you hurry into the bathroom.

 “I'm so excited, I've never been to something like this.” does he hear your voice, right behind the bathroom door. “Neither would I have ever thought to celebrate like this, at the day of Jesus' death.” a giggle. A sweet and almost evil giggle. “Not that he completely died, but you know what I mean?”

 “Uuuh-” Shit shit shit shit shit shit--! “Y-Yeah.”

 “I'm so curious what you and the others are gonna wear. But don't tell me okay? I want it to be a surprise for me.”

 SHIT!

 This is exactly why he didn't want to tell you. All your excitement... He would have ruined it. He would have taken it away from you! … And now he has to.

 “Okay what's-” you stop, as you step out the bathroom again- And see him. The upset look on his face. “Hey, what's going on?” hurry to him; Placing your hands on his arms and searching for eye contact “Is everything okay?”

 “I-” FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!!!!

 “Dew-” Your voice. Full of worry.

 “I- I have to tell you something.” His voice. So quiet. Lowering his gaze. He just can't.

 “What? Dew, what do you have to tell me?” you tilt your head, in confusion and worry. “Why don't you look at me? You're scaring me.”

 Scaring?

 It brings him to look up again. This is the last thing he wants! His eyes- Big and even terrified. Shimmering wet. That sight squeezes your throat shut.

 “What happened?” so quiet. So so quiet is the sound of your voice. So scared.

 “I'm so-rry.”  

 The moment his voice breaks- You do too. Your heart.

 It's an instinct, as you wrap your arms around him. Hold him close. Hold him together.

 “It's okay. Whatever it is- You can tell me.” you assure him.

 “I will miss you.” his voice muffled, as he's hiding his face against you.

 “I'm still here.”

 “But I won't.”

 Your heart stops. You lean away. Look at him. You try. But he keeps looking away.

 “What do you mean with that?”

 “Uhm- Uh- We- We will be gone, for a while. … Papa and us. His ghouls.”

 What? How? “Why?”

 “The next tour. The day when we will leave has been set. We will be gone for several weeks.”

 Weeks... Not one. Not two. Several-?  “W-When?”

 “....”

 “Dew, when?”

 “The night after Spring Dance.” he answers. And still doesn't look at you.

 “My god...” you let go of him. Place your hands over your heart. It feels so weird. Hurting and hollow.

 “I'm sorry.”

 “You had nothing to do with that decision.” Don't excuse, when it's not your fault.

 “Not the decision, but-”

 What does that mean? “What do you mean?” you ask. Feeling your body leaning away from him. “Dew?”

 “Uhm- S-Sister Imperator had told me first.” he starts and pauses right after. Still not looking at you. Swallowing. “I told the others to not tell you, because-- I- I wanted to tell you but-” he stops again. His breath almost shivering. “I uh- … I- did not mean to wait so long.”

 “How long?” you don't notice as you take one step away. “When did she tell you?”

 He doesn't answer. Doesn't look at you.

 “Dew. When?”

 “Last month.”

 A whole month? This whole time?

 “I know I should have told you earlier.”

 And the others knew too? You made them not tell me?

 “I wanted to. I'm sorry.”    You have never felt such a thing. But you know what it is.  It's harsh and stinging hot. Scratching at something that lives in your heart. Such a sad thing to feel.

 “Get out.”

 It is to hear in your voice. Unsteady. And frail.

 “What?” he asks- Looking up, as if he wouldn't have heard it.

 “Get out of my room.” A steady voice. Commanding. “I don't wanna see you.”

 The fire ghoul hears every of your words. The tone in your voice. Your eyes-; You mean it. And it somehow freezes him even more. He can't move. Fire has turned to stone. With a screaming and crying heart inside.

 “Get Out!”

 Never has he heard you so loud. Yelling. Angry. The chains of shame and fear still lock him inside is own body. He just can't move.

 But you can. And you can't stand to see him. No matter that little bloody tear, running over his cheek.

 You storm past him- Throw your door open and don't care that it slams against the dresser. You just don't care. You just can't stand him- You need to run. Run down the corridor; Passing siblings, busy with daily duties and preparations for the Spring Dance you had been looking forward to. You don't look back even once. There is nothing you wanna see. You only stop, as you have made it to the greenhouse. No one is there, and you know that. It's the perfect place to hide right now. So you think. So you hope. But you are wrong.

        *2

 The greenhouse had been renovated and brought back to its beauty. None of it is faded- But it's been a long time since Primo had been the young man, restoring this place of glass and black steel. The doors function perfectly, but you hear them squeak when they open. And you hear one open right now.

 You quietly crawl deeper between the big green leaves. Not caring about the dirt on your hands and knees. You hear steps. Coming closer. And you know exactly who it is.

 Don't smell me don't smell me don't smell me. Do you whisper in your mind. Inhaling the moist air, filled with scents of herbs and big green leaves. Hoping it will cover own scent-

 “I don't want to ruin your hopes- But playing hide and seek with a ghoul is no game you will ever win.”

 Damnit! “I'm not playing...” your response, a grumble. 

 “I know.” do you hear his voice now almost in front of you.“I just wanted to see if you're okay.”

 No. Not almost. Right in front of you. You can spot his shoes through the leaves. Those lace-up shoes, made out of brown leather. And you can see him crouching down; Sitting down cross-legged on the stone path.

 Are you serious?  “Fuck off, Mountain!” do you hiss,  hidden in the green.

 You have never been angry! You have seen others angry, and it has always terrified you, but- Now all you hear, is a laugh. Mountain is laughing.

 There is not thought process in your mind- You just shoot up on your own; Popping up between the green out of nowhere- The tall earth ghoul, sitting and giggling in front of you

 “What's so fucking funny!?!?!?” do you yell, and see him laugh even more.

 No. Just No! You're not staying for this! You step stomp out of the bed and push your legs past him.

 “Angel-” you hear sole of his shoes scratching over the stone; Rushing up on his feet.

 “Fuck you!”

 “I'm sorry, Angel! I didn't mean to laugh. I'm sorry. Please don't go.”

 “Then why the fuck are you laughing?” you stop in your step; Turn around and stride back to him “Is it so funny that he lied?! And don't act like you don't know! I know you do!”

 “I do know.” he admits. Genuinely. “I'm sorry that I laughed. I just-” he wants to stay serious, but thinking back; a little smirk still tries to break through “I never heard you swear. I never thought angels would swear at all.”

 “Well I'm no angel no more.”

 Your voice is so- No spite. But sharp. And rough. Sad. Like that feeling in your guts.

 “I'm sorry.” he says. You see and hear the regret of his. “I just wanted to check on you.”

 “Did he tell you to do that? Like he told you all to not tell me about the tour?”

 He shakes his head. “I came here on my own.”

 On your own... I might believe you. I'm still mad. 

 “Listen- If you don't want me here, I'll leave. But if you want some company- How about we plant your herb-seeds into some pots? They've grown a lot the last days.”

 Already? “They have?”

 Mountain had told you they would need some time; How did the grow so fast?!!

 “Yes. I think the sun and warmth from this week helped them grow that much.” he explains. Knowing that this will soothe your anger. You know it too. But-

 “... Well if my herbs need more space to grow...” you kick the dirt on the ground, before you look up to the tall ghoul. “I might tolerate your presence.” I might even allow you to help me.

 “I will humbly take your grace.”

 “Humbly take my grace.” you mumble and chuckle amused. You're such an idiot. And you are glad he is here.

 “You really got some hands for that.” notes Mountain, as you carefully remove the seedling from the tiny container. Sitting on a stool right beside the table, that is used for all kinds of stuff; From re-potting, to mixing herbs or elixirs.

 “Thank you.”

 You know it's not much. Mountain had picked herbs that are easy for beginners. Basil, Oregano, Peppermint and stuff like that. Nothing in comparison that he or Primo are able to grow. But it's the first time that you get to do something like this at all! That you have taken tiny tiny seeds and put them under a little cover of dirt; And that they had grown. Just because you had put them there. Still so small. But- So pretty. Life. You had brought something to life.

 “I thought life would be more like this.” you mumble, while carefully planting the frail seedling into a little pot that is filled with soil. “Just needing some sunshine and soil to be happy.”

 “Don't forget the water.” he answers, and you immediately roll your eyes, before looking at him. “Water mostly doesn't come without some rain and dark clouds.”

 “You know what I mean.”

 “I do.” he smiles, and you continue on your work again.“We all wish for that. But the beauty of life only becomes its special meaning, because it's not constantly present. Only because the 'sunshine' fades and even disappears from time to time. Life is just like a plant, Angel.”

 “You sound like God.” you respond, with a voice as dry as a bone. You don't even look up, as you notice the startle in his shade. “'You must suffer in life so heaven will be all nice' and all that.”

 A scoff comes from the earth ghoul.  An amused one, actually. “Shit. I really do.”

 “Maybe you should give him a call. Maybe he can teach you, if playing drums for Papa doesn't go well.” you tease.

 “Can I use you as a reference? Since he knows you.” does he join you.

 “Sure. He might be pissed I switched sides; But I've always been reliable. He acknowledges that.”

 It's not a big laughter that you both share. But it's easy and comforting. Mountain is a nice company to have around. You had been so nervous when he had proposed to start with growing herbs. But the moment he had shown it to you- Explaining the whole process, while his big hands planted the first seeds, all fear had disappeared. It had felt so simple, and that's what made you suspicious. Nothing is ever easy. You expected scolding just around the corner. But it never came.

 Therefore, you still don't get what Primo meant, when he said that Mountain might appear scary. Did he mean his claws? Sure, they are different from human hands. Yours. But they don't seem scary to you. Maybe you've just become used to it, since you're spending a lot of time with the ghouls.

 “Would you consider something for me?” he asks, as he you are almost done. And although you can sense what it might be-

 “What do you want me to consider?”

 “Don't be mad at the dumbass for too long.”

 “Why not?” you pause and look over to him. “Because I won't see him for several weeks? I don't wanna see him. The tour is perfectly timed.” you return to the planting again. Finishing the last one. “I don't wanna go on this Spring Dance anymore either...” No matter how much wanted to wear this pretty outfit... Doesn't bother me at all.......

 “I get that you want to punish him, but with that, you're also gonna punish the rest of us. We will miss you at the dance.”

 “I don't wanna punish-” you stop and think about it again: Do I want to punish Dewdrop?

 “Spring Dance will be fun for you, I know you will like it.”

 “You do?” you turn at him again, with a suspicious risen brow.

 He nods very confident. “And I know the ghoulettes would be very sad, if they couldn't dance with you.”

 When he says it like that- It makes you suddenly quite sad. You had really been looking forward for tomorrow- To wear those special and pretty clothes. To see the others! To dance! … Dance-

 “Oh shit.”

 “What?” he leans closer. Concerned about the sudden tone in your voice.

 “I-” you stare at him and feel the panic inside, spreading all over your brain. “Mountain I- I don't know how to dance!”

 Again. … Again the tall ghoul laughs. And this time he even almost falls from the stool.

 “Don't laugh at me again! That's not funny! What am I gonna do?!?!”

 “It's just-” he giggles very very much amused; Trying his best to hold back the laughter “Dew- He- He can't dance either. Not good. He hates it.”

 “You can't stop mentioning him, hm!”

 “Pardon. I'm all silent about him.” he apologizes. “Do you wanna learn it?”

 “You could teach me?”

 “But only a slow dance. For something faster, the ghoulettes and Swiss will gladly help you. And some alcohol. … Wait, you never had a drink before, right?”

 “Nope.” you shake your head. “Drinking alcohol is dissipation. And dissipation is a desire. Nothing you do or even have as an Angel.”

 “So it will be a night full of new experiences for you.”

 “When you say it like that, it sounds like a threat.” you joke. (Or not?)

 “Then let's get you confident to face this threat.” he gets up from the stool. Reaching out his hand for you to take, with a smile.

 With the element of earth, you would have thought that Mountain would be less spontaneous. But it seems you were wrong.  

 You brush your hands clean on the apron you had put on, and take it off; place it on the stool and take Mountains offer.

 You start slow; Keep watching his and your feet, as he guides you through the (literal) first steps. One foot to the side. The other one following. Then back again. One foot. The other following. And all over again. One. Two. One, two. One and two, one and two.

 The next steps follow. One step forward. To the side and all that. Teaching you slow. Keeping you steady, with his hands. He even keeps you from tripping a few times. As if he would have sensed it.

 It's actually quite fun. Mountain is a good teacher. Patient. And with a calming, radiating energy, that takes all the embarrassment away, whenever you trip. He says you're fast learner, but you don't believe that. But you acknowledge his try to cheer you up.

 After you got the steps, you start to dance closer and faster. Trying to keep the movements fluent. Again, you trip a few times, over your own feet. And again, he keeps you on your feet every time; Until your muscles remember steps and pace.

 *3

 You don't know how much time has passed by now. A good while, definitely. But you don't want to return to the present day just yet. You wanna stay at the greenhouse and dance with Mountain and not think of what had happened earlier.

 But you can't get rid of it. Of Dew. How he was frozen on the spot. Not able to say a word or even move. And that look on his face... Thinking back, it hurts you even more, than the hurt you had felt in that moment. More, than the hurt you still feel.

 You don't notice how you slowly move closer to Mountain. How you rest your head against him. Only as you notice his hands letting go of you, to re-arrange your arms around him, so both of you are more comfortable.

 It's no dance anymore. You have your arms wrapped around him, and his are holding you; While your feet vaguely lift from the ground. No dance. A lulling comfort.

 “I will miss all of you when you're gone. Even though I know you will be back.” you eventually say. And hear him smile.

 “That's nice hearing from you, thank you.” Mountain... Always knowing what to say. “So you will miss him as well.”

 You stop in your move. Feel heat shooting in your head, as you look up to him.

 “You have every right to be angry. But don't hold onto it too long. Take your time to blow off some steam and-”

 “I'm no fire ghoul, I can't blow steam.” you respond very much confused. And much to the amusement of the earth ghoul.

 “No you-” he presses his lips on another (this is too funny for him). “That's just a saying, for when you're letting go of anger inside you.”

 “Oh. ...” Another saying. Another thing that makes you question what you feel; If you want to act and behave the way you do: Shouting, running away and hiding. You don't remember similar situations that might have occurred in Heaven. But at the same time- Running and hiding; It feels familiar.

 Your mind is about to spiral. About to drift away. But Mountain keeps you here; He doesn't let you leave into a void. As if he would have seen it.

 You feel his fingers at your chin. Lifting your gaze. Bringing you to look at him. A forcing act. Someone Makes you do it. But it doesn't hurt. It's not oppressive. If anything, it is the exact opposite. It's gentle. So very gentle.

 “Don't be too harsh on him and yourself.” does he say. His eyes looking deep into you. Inside you. You can feel his gaze within you. In all guts and veins and bones.

 “Why not?” What else shall I do than be harsh?

 “Because you mean a lot to him. And he means a lot to you.”

 “He lied to me.” your voice changes. Salty wet and bitter. “You don't want me to have any pride? God says it's a sin.” 

 His gaze changes- Leaving your body. Sorrow, tinting his eyes.

 “It is cruel.” he says. “You are cruel to yourself. And him.”

 Cruelty has to be. A sin needs to be punished. I need to be.

 “No soul is without flaws, Angel. Dew is flawed, just like you and me. Don't let yourself be ruled by what you have been taught to believe. No one is just good. No one.”

 “You want me to just ignore it?”

 “No.” he shakes his head. His thumb grazes over your chin- Gently; Leaning closer for what he is about to say- “I don't want you two to live in agony for the time you are apart.”

 He lets go of you and leans away. And somehow the loss of his touch feels like- As if someone would have clipped your wings. You can even feel it. You believe- You imagine to feel it. Those marks on your back- prickling. … Does that even make any sense?

  “Why didn't he tell me earlier?” Mountain- Why? Why didn't he?

 “He was scared.” he says it, as if Dew would have told him. But he would never. You know the fire ghoul long enough to know that.

 “Of what?”

 “Making it real.” he says. And you read it from his face. The sting he feels in his heart. “Having to leave, is a loss for him.”

 “But I- I will still be here.”

 “It's the same for him.”

 “How?”

 “You are not the first. Not the first who he loses. Doesn't matter if he is the one who has to leave. Doesn't matter that you stay here. He's at mercy of a force he has no control over.”

 Not the first. … Staying... …  “Terzo.” you realize. “Mountain-- Primo had said that Dew became a fire ghoul out of nowhere. That he was summoned as a water ghoul under Terzo. Does it have something to do with that?”

 He hesitates to answer. Of course the old man had chatted. Mountain doesn't want to speak for Dewdrop. But he knows the fire ghoul quite well by now. And that he might never talk about it himself. Even with Angel.

 “Yes, and-” he hesitates again. He doesn't know how much he should tell you. It's all so interwoven. If he tells you one thing, he kinda has to tell you something else as well, for you to understand.

 “Mountain-” you plead. “Please.”

 The tall ghoul shakes his head in astonishment at you. “You really spend a lot of time with us.” he notes and gets you confused. “Those sad eyes is a move you got from Rain.”

 You can't hold back this surprised short laugh. You hadn't noticed that you were doing it. But- If it's useful-;

 “Let's take a walk through the woods, okay?”

 “Will you tell me then?”

 He nods, and you believe him. “I just don't like talking like this, when so many other peoples ears are close.”

 *4

 The abbey is even more busy outside. All preparations for Spring Dance, And for the tour. But the most hustle and bustle will not cross your way. You won't go to the entrance- With the two big buses parking in front of; Or the big stone terrace, right next to the field of fruit trees. All blooming together. Cherry-, apple-, and peach blossoms all to see.

 On your way to the woods, you pass the ghoul wing. You wonder if Dewdrop went back or is still in your room. You can't decide which you would prefer. To see him, still in your room. Or gone. You kinda want both. Although that doesn't make any sense.

 It's not the first time that you're back in the woods. But now, you actually got the chance to walk deeper. The first time, there was still snow. You had wanted to search for the spot where you had fallen. But- The cold. It wasn't cold enough to actually freeze you. But with every step you had taken, it had gotten harder to move. Until it eventually felt like there was an invisible wall, you were walking against. And so you had stopped.

 But now, it's all green. The snow and cold is gone- The sun is shining. It's warm and less frightening. You didn't expect it, but- The hesitant feeling inside you grew, with the first step you took into the forest.

 You don't notice how you stop. But Mountain does- As you are not walking right beside him anymore.

 “Everything okay?” he asks.

 “Uhm... Just-” you look around him; Up in the trees, that look so pretty with the golden light of the sun. So nice. Too nice, even. “It's- been a while since I've been here.”

 “Of course. I'm sorry, I should have thought of that.” he shakes his head. Scolding himself.

 “No it's okay.” you assure. “I wanted to get back here anyway. But I think it would be easier if I'd have some- … Support or something.”

 “You ordered an emotional support earth ghoul.” he smiles wide and offers you his arm. “Hook yourself in. I got you.”

 And you do. Holding yourself to the tall earth ghoul, while you walk through the green.

 “Did you know, that Primo had said that I should not be fooled by your scary appearance? Because you are actually nice?” you eventually say. Not with an intention. Just-; Mountain is a very good friend today.

 “Did he?” the tall ghoul looks at you, with a risen brow.

 “Hmhm!” you nod. “But I didn't find you scary at all. And I still don't.”

 “Good.”

 “'Good'?”

 “I don't want you to be scared of me. I know you like us all, but we are still ghouls. In certain moments we can be truly terrifying, and I don't want you to ever witness that.”

 You think I would be afraid? … Why do I feel like I wouldn't be afraid? you think, but keep the words on your tongue.

 A moment of silence passes. It's just you two, walking together. Well- It is as silent, as nature allows. Birds are to hear. A soft breeze in the trees. And of course the sound of your steps, striding on the dirt track.

 “Memory loss is a natural occurrence, when you transcend between the worlds.” does he suddenly start. As if he had page of notes in his pocket, that he tries to recite.  “That is what happened to you, when you came to Earth. I'm sure Sister Imperator has told you that already.”

 “She has.”

 “She must have also told you that it is unusual, that you still don't remember anything from Heaven.” he guesses. You nod. And he continues. “The same happens to every ghoul, when we get summoned to Earth. It takes time for us to remember the time at the pit.”

 “Does Dew not remember his time in the pit as well?” you guess; Trying to get where he is heading at.

 “No.” he shakes his head and- “Well- At least a part of it.”

 “Wh-?”

 “You know that Dew was summoned after Mist, right? And that she is a water ghoulette.”

 “Yes. And that she ran away.” you nod and- “Wait-! Did she run away because of Dew?”

 “It's a little more complicated than that. It's just the start of all he lost. And I don't even know everything. Dew is not very-” 

 “Yeah, he is not much of a talker with that.” you agree. And it stings in your chest as you remember it again.

 “I don't know what exactly it was with Dew and her. Only, that they have known another in the pit and had been very close.”

 “Okay...” Your hand slips lower at his arm.

 “Mist was summoned alone, leaving Dew in the pit.” he explains.

 Leaving him alone? It squeezes your throat and heart.

 “Then, Mist ran away. I believe Omega and Terzo are the only ones who know why. But they won't tell anyone who asks.”

 “Does Dew know why she ran away?”

 “Sometimes I think he does, and sometimes I'm not sure.” he admits, with an apologizing smile. “It's just something-”

 “He would never tell anyone.”

 “No.”

 “That sounds complicated.” you admit, with a heavy breath.

 “It is...” he nods. Gives the weight of this story some room; and then continues. “After she ran away, Terzo performed another call into the pit, in hopes there would be by any luck a water ghoul, to follow his voice. And that is when Dewdrop was summoned.”

 “Terzo has several ghouls. Why did he need another one?” question, confused.

 “Every Papa needs at least one ghoul of every element. As Papa, he represents Satan on earth and therefore it's elements.”

 “So, if a Papa won't summon at least one ghoul of every element, he can not be Papa?”

 “W-Well, this has never happened; But, yeah. I assume so.”

 “Weird... But- Yeah, sorry I- I changed the subject.” Where were we again? Dew! “What happened with Dew after he was summoned?”

 “The usual. He got his place beside Terzo. Everything went fine, until Mist came back.”

 “She came back?!?!”

 “She had somehow heard that another water ghoul was summoned. Dew didn't remember anything of the pit at that time. But as he saw her, he immediately remembered her. And he got her to stay from time to time, but she- … She always left. Not for long. But from one day of the other, she was there, and then gone again, without a word.”

 “That sounds that sounds cruel.” Now I know what you mean with agony...

 “Dew didn't understand it, and they had a huge fight. And my theory is, that during that fight he either remembered everything from the pit- Or she told him. Because after that she left for good and- … And it was- … It was when the fever had started for him.”

 “You mean- He became a fire ghoul because of whatever had happened with Mist?” What did happen??

 “Sister Imperator and the other humans believe, that it was Copia.”

 “C-Copia??”

 “The same day, Copia was performing the call, down into the pit. The day before the ministry would announce to everyone else, that Copia would be the next Papa. Therefore Sister believes, that Dewdrop was actually meant to be summoned as a fire ghoul. The first ghoul of a Papa.”

 “But you guys don't-?”

 “It depends who you are asking. Some agree with Sister. Dew- … I think he doesn't know what to believe.”

 “And what do you believe?”

 “I believe, that losing Mist several times and in such a difficult manner, was a lot of stress. And Fire is the opposite to Water. So- It makes sense to me, that all suppressed stress and memories and all that hurt, made him- snap. In a way.”

 Does it make sense? Which of those theories does at all? … Is there even any sense, when you're talking about 'wonders' like these? Untouchable force- Magic. …

 “And with becoming a ghoul of Copia, he lost his whole pack as well.”

 “What? What do you mean? They are still here.”

 He stops in his step. Making you stop as well. Turning to you. “How many times have you seen Dew talking to Terzo or any of his ghouls?”

 What kind of question is that? “Uhm- I- I haven't witnessed it at least.”

 “Because he doesn't. He doesn't talk to them, if he doesn't have to.”

 “But they were his pack.” You can't replace something like this.

 “You said it: They were.” he says, but you just look at him, confused. “The moment he became a fire ghoul- Copias first ghoul; There was nothing that bound him to Terzo and his old pack anymore. The connection between a pack of ghouls, is created in the summoning ritual. And because he was summoned into a fire ghoul, through Copias ritual- The connection to them all was cut.”

 Cut. … Just- From one second of the other...  “That- … That's aweful..”  That something, that he has no control over just- Takes everything away from him.

 “Life is cruel.” he says. Answering to you. Reminding himself. His mind drifting between here and somewhere else, as his eyes follow his hand- soothingly stroking your cheek. “Maybe all that cruelty and hurt are really just dark clouds with rain. At first the darkness and cold doesn't make sense. And then, years later, something happens- Changes. And it all makes sense.”

 “I brought a lot of change...” you admit. Your voice so quiet. Your hand, taking his from your cheek. As support. And you feel it- The very certain calm of Mountain. Wrapping around you. Bringing you to speak what you would usually keep for yourself. “I don't know if any of this makes sense.”

 “I think it makes a lot of sense. Whatever that connection between you and Dew is found on, Angel; It is deeper than the bond between pack-mates or to a Papa.”

 “Now you're exaggerating.” you let go of his hand.

 “I'm not.” he smiles. Comforting. Knowing. “You know I'm not.”

 “So this is my purpose?” you scoff.  “Him??”

 “It is still you, who will declare the means of your bond. You just need to find out which it is.”

 You don't have to. Neither does Dewdrop. But none of you would say it just now. Fear and uncertainty, still ruling so powerful; All warmth not enough to take the insecurity.

 I feel like I already know it, Mountain. And I don't know what to do with it. Or what to do . How to- … How to be angry at him, when I don't want to be. How to forgive him, when I want to be angry at him. None of this makes sense, when I think about it. But when I don't- When I just feel: It is the clearest thing I have ever seen. What I remember. But how can I be sure?

*****

A/N:   Oh please please please please tell me what you thought and think about this talking between Angel and Mountain! TELL ME! I am DYING to know!

It's so late. I should be already in bed and sleeping, since tomorrow will start a rough week!

I'm doing a little better. I think?? Thank you so much for the sweet comments under the last chapter <3